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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2017 11:39:48 GMT -5
My X never accused me of being selfish or narcissistic. She often accused me of only thinking about sex. She rejected me and then talked with her sorority sisters about how I constantly tried to f*ck her instead of just putting that sort of activity behind us. She readily admitted that she had broken her marriage vows by constantly saying no, but justified it saying that she had no desire for intimacy so I should forget about it and we could be good companions to each other. Her sorority sisters agreed it was unreasonable for me to expect sex. Was she surprised when she moved from wife to ex-wife status? When I finally had the final "talk" in which I declared we were getting a divorce, there was a look in her eyes of "oh, shit, I've really fucked up". Not a look of surprise. Not a look of shock. The biggest look of anguish she had was when she realized she was going to have to get a job and support herself. The bait and switch good life was coming to an end. It sounds as though she was like my ex-wife in that the decision was pretty much unilateral on her end and that pretty much settled things. I'm curious what the reaction from your wife was and if it was similar. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 25, 2017 11:40:06 GMT -5
My X never accused me of being selfish or narcissistic. She often accused me of only thinking about sex. She rejected me and then talked with her sorority sisters about how I constantly tried to f*ck her instead of just putting that sort of activity behind us. She readily admitted that she had broken her marriage vows by constantly saying no, but justified it saying that she had no desire for intimacy so I should forget about it and we could be good companions to each other. Her sorority sisters agreed it was unreasonable for me to expect sex. Sorority sisters? aren't they supposed to be very sex-friendly? wow. that is just crazy. sex is kind of expected in marriage. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2017 12:03:47 GMT -5
I'm a Shi'a Muslim. But I used to be Sunni. The reason that 4 months is given, is because, God forbid, there is war, men aren't supposed to be away from their families for longer than 4 months at a time. but most sects agree that marriage is supposed to protect both spouses from committing adultery. I figured you were Shi'a from the 72 virgin comment (definitely a Sunni perspective). I had a friend who was Ibadi, so wasn't sure if you were a member of that sect (although Shi'a was more likely by sheer numbers). Does your sect of Islam promote marriage as a vehicle for two people living a happy life together (including sexually)? Or is it primarily seen as a vehicle for procreation and protection against adultery. From what you've said before, it does not seem to protect the woman against adultery as much as it does a man. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 25, 2017 16:10:59 GMT -5
Marriages is SUPPOSED to be about two individuals who come together. Similar goals, sexual compatibility. etc. You can enjoy sex, not just for having kids. If it was just to have kids, you probably wouldn't get much sex lols
From my personal experience, the text doesn't prevent women. Its mostly men's attitudes.
Like my husband hates my belly dancing. He told me it was unIslamic. I didn't dance for 3 years. And he made many bad comments that were verbally abusive. Then I found out from his mom that he hated dancing. When he was a kid, and she'd watch a musical or something like that, he'd run off and hide in his room until it was over
So I'm more experienced. No longer young or naive. I know only too well that men of all religions and cultures twist religion to fit their tastes or their agendas.
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Post by h on Sept 25, 2017 16:20:16 GMT -5
Marriages is SUPPOSED to be about two individuals who come together. Similar goals, sexual compatibility. etc. You can enjoy sex, not just for having kids. If it was just to have kids, you probably wouldn't get much sex lols From my personal experience, the text doesn't prevent women. Its mostly men's attitudes. Like my husband hates my belly dancing. He told me it was unIslamic. I didn't dance for 3 years. And he made many bad comments that were verbally abusive. Then I found out from his mom that he hated dancing. When he was a kid, and she'd watch a musical or something like that, he'd run off and hide in his room until it was over So I'm more experienced. No longer young or naive. I know only too well that men of all religions and cultures twist religion to fit their tastes or their agendas. And not just men! I think this cuts across both genders and many religions. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 16:55:12 GMT -5
A refuser is a refuser and the tools by which they will refuse are, quite literally, infinite. It is both everything and nothing. If you solve the "religion" puzzle then it will just be something else...like trying to dig a hole in the sand, it cannot be done.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 25, 2017 17:46:51 GMT -5
Well religiously, I have talked to other Muslim women. secretly. And they have told me that if a man doesn't go to his wife once every 4 months, then she has grounds for seeking a divorce. My husband had lectured me on the evils of female nudity. Then I found out from a book that looking at your spouse and finding pleasure in it is one of the greatest marital pleasures. When I told my husband, he just walked away. He'll walk around sometimes with no shirt and it makes me want to stab it lol I hate looking at it after hearing these little lectures on and off for years at a time. And 72 virgins - thats a different sect than the one we are from. So no issue there. So I know after doing more reading and stuff, that its complete bs. He's just using religion as a platform to validate how he really is. My separated wife said I had ZERO empathy and she would say I needed to make more efforts. My situation is perhaps a little different for I was neglectful and a large chunk of the blame for our SM can go to me too. If I may though, your H sounds like he is "GASLIGHTING" you, reversing all these reasons and justifications where you are to blame. I will agree with ironhamster, but he really does seem like a special kind of A-Hole or jerk. Has your H taken any OWNERSHIP of your SM? Is this all your fault in his eyes? That is something we may have in common. My W when we first argued and threatened the Big "D" said I was 100% to blame - I pushed back and said 100%? OK I see my part in where things went wrong but 100% my fault? We have since at least agreed we both did things badly and we BOTH neglected our couple. Here is the 64 Dollar question: Is your H constantly blaming you for the SM? Does he even acknowledge he has at least SOME responsibility? Muslim or Christian both traditions are fully 100% on affection and sex between H and W. Female nudity a sin? WTF? I would ask him his authority for that interpretation - I am no Imam but that sounds like total BS to me. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 25, 2017 19:15:52 GMT -5
Was she surprised when she moved from wife to ex-wife status? When I finally had the final "talk" in which I declared we were getting a divorce, there was a look in her eyes of "oh, shit, I've really fucked up". Not a look of surprise. Not a look of shock. The biggest look of anguish she had was when she realized she was going to have to get a job and support herself. The bait and switch good life was coming to an end. It sounds as though she was like my ex-wife in that the decision was pretty much unilateral on her end and that pretty much settled things. I'm curious what the reaction from your wife was and if it was similar. Was she surprised? ...I think she was. After our 3rd talk about me having a FWB she wanted to be more sexually active. We were for about 4 months. Then all of a sudden she stared saying no again. This was around Christmas so I'm sure shopping, cooking decorating etc. had her attention. After the new year we continued to be sexless. That was it for me. No more chances or resets. I removed my ring and set about distancing myself from her. It took a while for her to realize "things" had changed as I no longer even sought a hug. Sometime later she ask me what had happened after Christmas that had caused me to end the marriage. Not surprisingly she didn't try to seek me out and talk about the new dynamic, I don't think she realized we had not been intimate for months. She just talked to a lawyer and let me know that as soon as she recovered from an upcoming surgery she would begin looking for somewhere else to live. That was OK with me. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 25, 2017 19:30:58 GMT -5
My X never accused me of being selfish or narcissistic. She often accused me of only thinking about sex. She rejected me and then talked with her sorority sisters about how I constantly tried to f*ck her instead of just putting that sort of activity behind us. She readily admitted that she had broken her marriage vows by constantly saying no, but justified it saying that she had no desire for intimacy so I should forget about it and we could be good companions to each other. Her sorority sisters agreed it was unreasonable for me to expect sex. Sorority sisters? aren't they supposed to be very sex-friendly? wow. that is just crazy. sex is kind of expected in marriage. There were about a dozen sisters in the group. About 1/2 were married and 1/4 divorced and 1/4 never married. Of the married I figure 3 of the women were refusers and 2 more might have been had not their husbands laid down the law about performing their "wifely "duties. Of the never married I never saw any of then with a date in 20 years so I'm guessing intimacy was pretty low on their priorities. All 3 of the divorced women had boyfriends on and off so there was some sexual activity there. So out of a dozen women figure 4 were definitely not interested in sex. 2 more would have been had their husbands allowed it. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2017 22:14:07 GMT -5
Was she surprised when she moved from wife to ex-wife status? When I finally had the final "talk" in which I declared we were getting a divorce, there was a look in her eyes of "oh, shit, I've really fucked up". Not a look of surprise. Not a look of shock. The biggest look of anguish she had was when she realized she was going to have to get a job and support herself. The bait and switch good life was coming to an end. It sounds as though she was like my ex-wife in that the decision was pretty much unilateral on her end and that pretty much settled things. I'm curious what the reaction from your wife was and if it was similar. Was she surprised? ...I think she was. After our 3rd talk about me having a FWB she wanted to be more sexually active. We were for about 4 months. Then all of a sudden she stared saying no again. This was around Christmas so I'm sure shopping, cooking decorating etc. had her attention. After the new year we continued to be sexless. That was it for me. No more chances or resets. I removed my ring and set about distancing myself from her. It took a while for her to realize "things" had changed as I no longer even sought a hug. Sometime later she ask me what had happened after Christmas that had caused me to end the marriage. Not surprisingly she didn't try to seek me out and talk about the new dynamic, I don't think she realized we had not been intimate for months. She just talked to a lawyer and let me know that as soon as she recovered from an upcoming surgery she would begin looking for somewhere else to live. That was OK with me. I find what you say about her not thinking you'd been sexless for months. In my case my ex thought we'd been sexless for months when it had, in fact, been years. Refusers often seem to be in some kind of temporal vortex on this subject. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 26, 2017 0:00:47 GMT -5
Sometimes my husband completely and utterly forgets ever rejecting me. He thinks its all on me.
Other times, he admits it, but thinks it was only that "one" time.
My husband sincerely or not so sincerely, doesn't remember some of the mean things he's said to me. And does not think its a big deal with cheating. Not one bit.
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Post by merrygoround on Sept 26, 2017 0:01:03 GMT -5
......or they blatantly lie. Like when the ex spoke on the phone to my mum recently after divorce and claimed he didn't know why I was talking about SM as we sometimes did it four times a week. Hahahaha wtf. I question his sanity.
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Post by h on Sept 26, 2017 3:55:50 GMT -5
......or they blatantly lie. Like when the ex spoke on the phone to my mum recently after divorce and claimed he didn't know why I was talking about SM as we sometimes did it four times a week. Hahahaha wtf. I question his sanity. Was it a lie or a delusion? Maybe he really thinks that. |
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Post by rejected101 on Sept 26, 2017 4:48:57 GMT -5
......or they blatantly lie. Like when the ex spoke on the phone to my mum recently after divorce and claimed he didn't know why I was talking about SM as we sometimes did it four times a week. Hahahaha wtf. I question his sanity. Was it a lie or a delusion? Maybe he really thinks that. That's a very prudent point! My W when first confronted and asked to talk about our "sex life" was astonished that I felt it was lacking. Her perception was that we went a while without sex (a dry period) before we had sex loads. In reality our dry periods were 5-8 weeks which in my opinion isn't a dry period, its inactivity and our having sex "loads" was one time. I'm convinced that she genuinely believed it was fine and that we had sex quite often. Unfortunately I think in reality she was confusing the occasions that she had sex with herself as occasions that we had been active. |
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Post by h on Sept 26, 2017 5:06:34 GMT -5
Was it a lie or a delusion? Maybe he really thinks that. That's a very prudent point! My W when first confronted and asked to talk about our "sex life" was astonished that I felt it was lacking. Her perception was that we went a while without sex (a dry period) before we had sex loads. In reality our dry periods were 5-8 weeks which in my opinion isn't a dry period, its inactivity and our having sex "loads" was one time. I'm convinced that she genuinely believed it was fine and that we had sex quite often. Unfortunately I think in reality she was confusing the occasions that she had sex with herself as occasions that we had been active. Very similar experience for me. A while ago, when I first started pressing the issue, my W responded that "just last summer we were having sex all the time!" The truth is, we had sex twice in the same weekend one time and that was the only activity for the whole summer. Nothing from mid June to the one weekend in August and then after that, nothing again until mid October. She really believed though, that qualified as "all the time" and it never occurred to her that I would be unhappy with that. |
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