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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 23, 2017 19:19:57 GMT -5
I am curious if any of your refusers accuse you of being selfish or narcissistic? Or do your refusers reject you and tell their friends that you don't like sex?
Do your refusers ever use religious reasons to not touch you? or hug you? or hold your hand?
Just curious.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 23, 2017 19:49:42 GMT -5
I am curious if any of your refusers accuse you of being selfish or narcissistic? Or do your refusers reject you and tell their friends that you don't like sex? Do your refusers ever use religious reasons to not touch you? or hug you? or hold your hand? Just curious. If I dare say, I think your H is a special kind of asshole. My wife is happy to tell me that I don't give a shit. It is a powerful phrase for her, because cuss words do not come out of her mouth. That could be interpreted as selfish or narcissistic. As far as not liking sex, no, but... When our problems started coming out as my eldest daughter was getting married and I did not want her in the same situation, she told me happily during one of our talks that mom was getting me some chemical help for my man problems. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless as I explained that I was NOT the one with the problems. To my knowledge, that is all that she has ever said to anyone about our issues. I swear, if it had been any woman other than my daughter at the time, I might have offered them an "all nighter" so they could assess my problems for themselves. I cannot imagine having a religious excuse for a lack of affection. There is one church she will not step into, because the pastor blamed men's porn usage on wives that stopped putting out. My wife refused to own that. She won't own the "to have and to hold" part of her marriage vows. I know of no Christian scripture that would justify coldness, but if there was I would hear her quote it, and that would be like the voice of the All Mighty telling me to find a new belief system. |
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Post by baza on Sept 23, 2017 21:46:50 GMT -5
This is a retrospective (as I've been out of my ILIASM deal for some time now) - but as far as I know, my ex missus did not "accuse me of being selfish or narcissistic, or tell her friends that I don't like sex"
What she might have done behind my back that I don't know about, I obviously don't know about. She could have been shit canning me all over town for all I know.
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Post by bran127 on Sept 23, 2017 23:39:56 GMT -5
I almost wish he would give me a reason because then I could somehow understand "the why". I just get rolling eyes so the interpretation of that on my part is endless. The bitch of it is that no matter what, understanding or not, it fucking hurts.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 24, 2017 0:42:56 GMT -5
ironhamster - thats kind of like me. They turn it around the blame the sex problem on the refused. That must of been funny to hear that. Kodak moment lolz Yes my husband loves having religion around as an excuse. He'll say, I gotta go do this or that before I go to hell. He's even said that I'm dragging him down to hell. I could go on and on and on, but was curious. anyways.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 24, 2017 3:29:36 GMT -5
ironhamster - thats kind of like me. They turn it around the blame the sex problem on the refused. That must of been funny to hear that. Kodak moment lolz Yes my husband loves having religion around as an excuse. He'll say, I gotta go do this or that before I go to hell. He's even said that I'm dragging him down to hell. I could go on and on and on, but was curious. anyways. "Kodak moment". There is some nostalgia. I have not heard that reference in a long time.  I think it is normal for people to justify what they are doing when they are wrong. Most of us get excuses like "I'm tired," or "I'm sick," or "I'm not in the mood because you did x, y, or z." The latter justification is the worst, because it gets us jumping through hoops that just don't freaking matter as far as solutions go. Bran is right when she says it hurts. Rejection cuts all of us deep. It cuts women deeper, because society expects men to be the aggressors. Bringing religion into it seem much lower than any of the normal excuses we see our tormentors use to justify their actions. I'm not familiar with the Quran enough to be any help, but I going to assume your H is full of crap. Perhaps there is an Imam online that you can message anonymously to get a different perspective, but, in the end, it will not change your H into a better person. He needs his excuses, and if you fix excuse X, he'll find Y or Z to replace it. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 24, 2017 14:36:03 GMT -5
Well religiously, I have talked to other Muslim women. secretly. And they have told me that if a man doesn't go to his wife once every 4 months, then she has grounds for seeking a divorce.
My husband had lectured me on the evils of female nudity. Then I found out from a book that looking at your spouse and finding pleasure in it is one of the greatest marital pleasures. When I told my husband, he just walked away.
He'll walk around sometimes with no shirt and it makes me want to stab it lol
I hate looking at it after hearing these little lectures on and off for years at a time.
And 72 virgins - thats a different sect than the one we are from. So no issue there.
So I know after doing more reading and stuff, that its complete bs. He's just using religion as a platform to validate how he really is.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 24, 2017 15:14:11 GMT -5
I'm glad your seeing thru his BS
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 24, 2017 20:55:34 GMT -5
Your husband is full of crap. To answer your question the Refuser will accuse the Refused of being selfish, etc when they complain about their sexless situation.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 25, 2017 6:38:40 GMT -5
Darktipped rose,
Do you ever read over what you have been writing and receiving in response for at least 4 years here and on EP? That may help you realize what is going on and come up with a solution even if that solution is accepting that your refuser is a manipulative liar who will never have sex again with you but you are choosing to stay until your kids are older because it would be easier to leave then.
You have years of evidence that your husband does not lust about you or care about you and never will. You can choose to take that evidence and make plans to leave even if that means taking tiny baby step after tiny baby step. Eventually those will lead to freedom.
Or you can continue to why chase and continue to try to read his mind as you continue living a hellish existence with no escape or change in sight even in the distant future.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 25, 2017 8:48:07 GMT -5
Oh I'm selfish, after all, all I care about is sex. Yep, that's it! Just sex, nothing else, which is why I'm still with her. It's the prospect of sex every three to five years. For sure, that's my only interest.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2017 10:12:52 GMT -5
1. No, but I believe she is both. 2. No, she would never mention the word "sex" to anyone. Except our kids behind my back. 3-5. I presume no, not religious reasons. She has her reasons. No idea what they are, but probably not religious. Basically, she respects me professionally and somewhat as a parent. Beyond that it's like I don't exist. That's fine - I now feel the same way about her. This was pretty much my situation for let's say the last 15 years of our marriage. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2017 10:15:50 GMT -5
Well religiously, I have talked to other Muslim women. secretly. And they have told me that if a man doesn't go to his wife once every 4 months, then she has grounds for seeking a divorce. My husband had lectured me on the evils of female nudity. Then I found out from a book that looking at your spouse and finding pleasure in it is one of the greatest marital pleasures. When I told my husband, he just walked away. He'll walk around sometimes with no shirt and it makes me want to stab it lol I hate looking at it after hearing these little lectures on and off for years at a time. And 72 virgins - thats a different sect than the one we are from. So no issue there. So I know after doing more reading and stuff, that its complete bs. He's just using religion as a platform to validate how he really is. Once every 4 months? Mother of God, I know that is the minimum, but hell...that is just crazy. Is that based in scripture, or just the teachings of your sect? If you don't mind me asking, which sect is that? |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 25, 2017 10:45:09 GMT -5
My X never accused me of being selfish or narcissistic. She often accused me of only thinking about sex.
She rejected me and then talked with her sorority sisters about how I constantly tried to f*ck her instead of just putting that sort of activity behind us.
She readily admitted that she had broken her marriage vows by constantly saying no, but justified it saying that she had no desire for intimacy so I should forget about it and we could be good companions to each other. Her sorority sisters agreed it was unreasonable for me to expect sex.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 25, 2017 11:38:36 GMT -5
I'm a Shi'a Muslim. But I used to be Sunni. The reason that 4 months is given, is because, God forbid, there is war, men aren't supposed to be away from their families for longer than 4 months at a time.
but most sects agree that marriage is supposed to protect both spouses from committing adultery.
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