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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 9:25:25 GMT -5
......or they blatantly lie. Like when the ex spoke on the phone to my mum recently after divorce and claimed he didn't know why I was talking about SM as we sometimes did it four times a week. Hahahaha wtf. I question his sanity. This rang a bell for me. I think it was in 2014, I was talking to my refuser about the 4 years of no sex. After she made her regular insult that my penis doesn't even work anymore, she said that before 2010, we had a LOT of sex. I did a double take & wondered if she was nuts. We never had sex more than once every 6-8 weeks. I really think she had deluded herself into believing that we had sex more than we did. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 9:28:21 GMT -5
Very similar experience for me. A while ago, when I first started pressing the issue, my W responded that "just last summer we were having sex all the time!" The truth is, we had sex twice in the same weekend one time and that was the only activity for the whole summer. Nothing from mid June to the one weekend in August and then after that, nothing again until mid October. She really believed though, that qualified as "all the time" and it never occurred to her that I would be unhappy with that. The self delusion of refusers never ceases to amaze me. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 26, 2017 14:37:31 GMT -5
This is hilarious. I was talking to my husband last night. Not about sexlessness because my kids were there. Seriously.
My husband does NOT remember me doing his hair. I used to his hair, braid his hair, shave his hair, etc. I wasn't awesome at it, but I did it. He does NOT remember. like at all. He's 42 and he forgets more than my grandma whos in her 70s.
On another occassion he said that we'd never had sex 2x in one day. We did. Only twice and that was in the first week of marriage. I am over here like, you don't remember at all. He says it never happened.
I don't know if its genuine or if he's THAT good at lieing to himself.
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Post by tirefire on Sept 27, 2017 17:43:59 GMT -5
This is hilarious. I was talking to my husband last night. Not about sexlessness because my kids were there. Seriously. My husband does NOT remember me doing his hair. I used to his hair, braid his hair, shave his hair, etc. I wasn't awesome at it, but I did it. He does NOT remember. like at all. He's 42 and he forgets more than my grandma whos in her 70s. On another occassion he said that we'd never had sex 2x in one day. We did. Only twice and that was in the first week of marriage. I am over here like, you don't remember at all. He says it never happened. I don't know if its genuine or if he's THAT good at lieing to himself. Wow. The memory says it all. I have vivid memories with small details intact from sex over 30 years ago. Ahhhh. Puts a smile on my face even now. Again, to go back to certain moments even for just one hour.... |
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Post by M2G on Oct 1, 2017 5:32:14 GMT -5
I think the phrase: "you're not the one that's gone-into" was the biggest eye opener as to where she was coming from.
I've been labeled a narcissist as well, only thinking about myself etc., when I made the mistake of 'fessing up to having an online FWB (big mistake). She said it's classic narcissism to do such things. Later, she came out with: "narcissists are proud of not having affairs; they revel in their self control." So which is it?
Ironically, she is a major player and well respected on her own message board, that's a support group for people that have to deal with personality disorders (PDs for short). They use a technique called "medium chill" or "MC" that's really very good - except when used in the wrong situation IE: Me trying to discuss SM. She said: "I'm sorry you feel that way." I told her if she wants to MC me instead of talk, I could MC her all the livelong day. (That one really hurt me, I'll tell you.)
PS: That online FWB landed me some great sex, for a month or so - then back to same ole' same ole'.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 1, 2017 6:42:19 GMT -5
PS: That online FWB landed me some great sex, for a month or so - then back to same ole' same ole'. Keep that online FWB. It is good motivation for the W, and, some day, you may even figure out a way to connect. The only time I have sex with my tormentor is when she feels threatened. If I have a really big fuck-up, it becomes "hysterical bonding" sex, which is the only time she's really into it. Just like your situation, in less than a month she settles down and it all dries up. I know the game, now. I don't want sex from her because she's afraid of losing the benefits of marriage, so I've stopped asking. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 1, 2017 7:17:18 GMT -5
PS: That online FWB landed me some great sex, for a month or so - then back to same ole' same ole'. Keep that online FWB. It is good motivation for the W, and, some day, you may even figure out a way to connect. The only time I have sex with my tormentor is when she feels threatened. If I have a really big fuck-up, it becomes "hysterical bonding" sex, which is the only time she's really into it. Just like your situation, in less than a month she settles down and it all dries up. I know the game, now. I don't want sex from her because she's afraid of losing the benefits of marriage, so I've stopped asking. Like, getting a "secret" Skype address and "accidentally" leave my notebook open when I leave for work in the morning... LMFAO (but thinking about it  ) |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 1, 2017 12:39:31 GMT -5
The thought of it is amusing, M2G. I'm sure it would result in another month of duty sex from your refuser. Just don't get anyone else in trouble. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 1, 2017 13:01:39 GMT -5
The thought of it is amusing, M2G . I'm sure it would result in another month of duty sex from your refuser. Just don't get anyone else in trouble. Nah - if I ever decided to play that out, I'd get help from a phantom friend ha ha |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 1, 2017 13:51:55 GMT -5
......or they blatantly lie. Like when the ex spoke on the phone to my mum recently after divorce and claimed he didn't know why I was talking about SM as we sometimes did it four times a week. Hahahaha wtf. I question his sanity. When I announced we would be getting a divorce, she refused to believe it had been 2 1/2 years at that point. She thought our drought was measured in months. And she had a point... As long as you measured by the dozen. Joking aside, if sex isn't important to you, it's easy to "lose track of time". If it is important to you, you measure, count milestones, and simmer. This is simple human nature |
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Post by tirefire on Oct 1, 2017 20:55:53 GMT -5
"Joking aside, if sex isn't important to you, it's easy to "lose track of time". If it is important to you, you measure, count milestones, and simmer."
134 days. Tick, tock...
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 1, 2017 23:38:25 GMT -5
Yup. its been over 4 years for me. Yes. I've kept track. But has horrible as it is, I'm not sure I even want it anymore. at least not with him. sometimes I'll think he's getting closer to me, and it totally a false alarm.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 2, 2017 6:45:16 GMT -5
"Joking aside, if sex isn't important to you, it's easy to "lose track of time". If it is important to you, you measure, count milestones, and simmer." 134 days. Tick, tock... I honestly am not be cheeky here but 134 days until what action? Edit: totally misread that. Thought you were saying 134 days until you do something not since the last time. Sorry, man. I shouldn't post pre-caffine |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 2, 2017 7:29:29 GMT -5
We never had years, but certainly months.
My wife never seemed to believe how inactive we were, until I'd point out my evidence. The first time, I pointed out a box of condoms I had opened in January, and that December simple math would tell anyone how active we were based on the number still in it.
One year I marked our activity and denial of such on the refrigerator calandar. As I recall, that was the most effective because it was in her face, even though it was not obvious what the marks were for.
I'm done caring, and done asking, and done hinting. I don't want what she is offering, but I have never turned her down. She is being proactive, now. Sporadic sex. She probably gives herself a monthly reminder, kind of like a reminder to pay a bill or replenish the food in the refrigerator.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 2, 2017 8:19:01 GMT -5
I have to agree with posters here when they state their partners do not seem to realize just how much time has passed since the last bit of intimacy. My X wanted to brush off the complaints from me about frequency, saying it had not been that long. So I started marking it on the calendar. After I could clearly show her we were on a quarterly schedule she couldn't argue about actual frequency, so her response became about me always pressuring her for sex being what turned her off, as she felt that was all I wanted from her. It never really resonated with her that only being intimate 4 times a year may have had something to do with why I tried initiating so often.
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