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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Sept 13, 2017 17:08:20 GMT -5
The younger kids are it's likely the easier divorce is for them. The younger kids are, the more adaptable they are. I can agree with that to an extent. Her brain hasn't quite reached developmental age to have long term memories yet. This can be exceedingly beneficial to a relationship that is aggressive, or externally damaging. For me though, I actually dislike the idea of my daughter never remembering her parents together, that makes me sad because I know I wish I could remember my parents together. (And to expand on that, I wish I could remember my parents being playful and both showing actual affection towards us.) Like GC said, once she is in public school things will be easier |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2017 18:16:59 GMT -5
You are wasted on him.
Don't discuss this anymore with him right now.
Do whatever you need to do to be able to support yourself. It might take a couple to a few years.
Leave after that.
Unless you are assured alimony if you leave now.
Whatever they specifics, leave. You are wasting yourself on him.
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Post by wom360 on Sept 14, 2017 0:01:25 GMT -5
Totally agree she's wasted on him. What I and most men wouldn't give to have someone like her.
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Post by lwoetin on Sept 14, 2017 8:21:34 GMT -5
I chose C, for me and you. My spouse is blatantly clear she doesn't want to have sex, yet she does it. So not much affection. I would not call it anger though. MrsLM, you can join me in boat #C.  It lacks a motor, but the sail is up and wind moves it where it pleases. At least love exists in our marriages. C is temporary. I have hope she would want sex again in the future, with me. (Out of curiosity, in the middle of last encounter I asked why she is having sex with me, she said...because you told me I am failing as a wife.) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2017 9:30:44 GMT -5
I have an option E for you. One that has been discussed on here frequently.
E) Stay,detach yourself from him and the marriage as much as possible,limit communication with him, and put your efforts and happiness in your career,daughter, and financial planning with legal advice.
Meanwhile you will begin to be more and more aware of the red flags that you have tolerated for to long. You will begin to realize that you and your child deserve to be cherished, and respected.
No more one way street paved with double standards.
The detachment,research, and self healing takes a good year. You can remain married, be financially sound, get your daughter settled in school,be emotionally ready to say goodbye to all of his one way standards, and head towards your own joys and self fulfillment, during the next year.
I actually found an email sent to my W by her sister about detachment back in 2014. I remember my W. telling the therapist, "I detached myself from you over two years ago". My response was, "really? I didn't even notice". My W was already that caught up in "her way....ONLY" philosophy.
However...I read that article, and decided, "hey, I could use this for myself!". The only negative about this tactic was the expected outcome. The author wrote it with the notion that your spouse will come crawling back to you, begging for forgiveness, and for ever change their ways......yea....(I also have some mountain front property on the beach in Florida!)
My own experience was that it drove me further and further away, avoiding her more and more. Much of the same happened when I began to:
1) Call her on her crap.
2) Tell her no.
3) Stop letting her abuse me.
4) Erect and enforce boundaries.
5) Deliver natural consequences for her bad behaviors.
All of this during the detachment.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2017 17:08:05 GMT -5
Dude needs to be a man and stop pouting. That's the big obstacle I'm hearing. He can't maintain the current activity level *and* have a good attitude about it? Seriously, he only has the capacity for one or the other? He doesn't want to fuck his wife... He should be humiliated by his behavior, not angry with you for calling it out. Why should he be humiliated by his behavior? It seems to me that he's trying and the fact that he is withdrawn/angry is certainly at least in part because he's also conflicted and sad. It shows up that way in many men. A low libido spouse (when it's just that and not a dysfunctional mess--which this isn't) DOESN'T HAVE IT IN THEM! They are somewhere else on the bell curve and staying pissed about it is the HL spouse's problem. Many of us HL libido spouses should "man up" and quit whining for sex. Either live with it--without resentment, compromise a little or GET THE HELL OUT. |
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 20, 2017 0:03:54 GMT -5
He obviously needs to put on his big boy pants and stop pissing in the potty. Seems like you have more of an adolescent passive aggresive child rather than a husband. Your call entirely but for what its worth there should be consequences for his foul behavour.
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Post by rejected101 on Sept 20, 2017 6:38:41 GMT -5
Dude needs to be a man and stop pouting. That's the big obstacle I'm hearing. He can't maintain the current activity level *and* have a good attitude about it? Seriously, he only has the capacity for one or the other? He doesn't want to fuck his wife... He should be humiliated by his behavior, not angry with you for calling it out. I agree with this. How can sex once a week be too much to keep up with. To suggest (particularly as a male) that you can't keep up with this is in my opinion a lie. Your asking for 1 hour of his week! 1 hour of his 168 hour week. I call BS. It would be more accurate to say he can't be bothered to keep up with it because he is comfortable with less. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 20, 2017 6:41:33 GMT -5
The way she described the sex, which was his suddenly telling her to bend over and then he would dispassionately sticking in his cock, what she is getting is 5 minutes a week of sex given with indifference. Ugh.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Sept 21, 2017 12:33:51 GMT -5
Yes.. our sex is not long lasting, lol.
Umm.. he is very well aware of how lucky he is that I do not need to be, well for lack of a better phrase, warmed up and that I am always ready to go. He knows that is not the norm and he uses that knowledge. I would say a majority of our sex involves me giving him oral then straight to PiV lasting from 4 to ten minutes. I do think an hour is something he could do (and that is me including foreplay) but I appreciate the thought!
Trust me, I wish I could get more, a lot more. I have often wondered how long I would feel satisfied if the sexual encounters I did get were longer. I am not sure he is going to be the person I discover that answer with, but I wish he could be because I know I would like to experiment with that and find out.
I think once a week is a huge compromise for me already (I honestly feel like I could have sex twice a day no problem right now) so every other week feels pretty heavy.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 21, 2017 14:29:22 GMT -5
Yes.. our sex is not long lasting, lol. Umm.. he is very well aware of how lucky he is that I do not need to be, well for lack of a better phrase, warmed up and that I am always ready to go. He knows that is not the norm and he uses that knowledge. I would say a majority of our sex involves me giving him oral then straight to PiV lasting from 4 to ten minutes. I do think an hour is something he could do (and that is me including foreplay) but I appreciate the thought! Trust me, I wish I could get more, a lot more. I have often wondered how long I would feel satisfied if the sexual encounters I did get were longer. I am not sure he is going to be the person I discover that answer with, but I wish he could be because I know I would like to experiment with that and find out. I think once a week is a huge compromise for me already (I honestly feel like I could have sex twice a day no problem right now) so every other week feels pretty heavy. My advice: stop being so tentative. Only once a week IS A HUGE COMPROMISE! He IS NOT going to be the person you discover how you would feel with longer sexual encounters. Sorry if I seem a bit brash about that, but I still have the bitter aftertaste of the same pill I just swallowed regarding my W. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 21, 2017 14:48:06 GMT -5
Once a week is pretty poor on the performance scale from a male perspective. And your giving him a bj with no oral treat for you anywhere in the mix is way past p*ss poor on his part from my perspective. I would bet a $100 in the dark that most men chow down on their lady 1st, with the end goal being at least 1 orgasm for her(hopefully more) before PIV. Until I found EP and then this forum it never occurred to me that a man wouldn't eat his woman on a regular basis.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Sept 21, 2017 15:33:37 GMT -5
Once a week is pretty poor on the performance scale from a male perspective. And your giving him a bj with no oral treat for you anywhere in the mix is way past p*ss poor on his part from my perspective. I would bet a $100 in the dark that most men chow down on their lady 1st, with the end goal being at least 1 orgasm for her(hopefully more) before PIV. Until I found EP and then this forum it never occurred to me that a man wouldn't eat his woman on a regular basis. I agree. I think once a week is a pretty normal level of intercourse to expect out of a relationship. That's why I had such a hard time accepting every other week as my "normal" and acceptable rate. I am hopeful he will step up a bit when I ask for help in between, but I am not really confident about that either. I do have my cuddles back now though! That has felt great. However, I was denied giving him a blow job this morning, so that's kind of crappy Before this forum I didn't know men actually went down on women, I assumed that was really just a porn thing (considering my ratio or male oral to female oral you'd think it a myth too) |
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Post by h on Sept 21, 2017 16:08:25 GMT -5
Once a week is pretty poor on the performance scale from a male perspective. And your giving him a bj with no oral treat for you anywhere in the mix is way past p*ss poor on his part from my perspective. I would bet a $100 in the dark that most men chow down on their lady 1st, with the end goal being at least 1 orgasm for her(hopefully more) before PIV. Until I found EP and then this forum it never occurred to me that a man wouldn't eat his woman on a regular basis. I agree. I think once a week is a pretty normal level of intercourse to expect out if a relationship. That's why I had such a hard time accepting every other week as my "normal" and acceptable rate. I am hopeful he will step up a bit when I ask for help in between, but I am not really confident about that either. I do haven't cuddles back now though! That has felt great. However, I was denied giving him a blow job this morning, so that's kind of crappy Before this forum I didn't know men actually went down on women, I assumed that was really just a porn thing (considering my ratio or male oral to female oral you'd think it a myth too) If I were using your logic, then any oral either way would be "just a porn thing" as would handjobs, or any position other than missionary... |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 21, 2017 16:26:50 GMT -5
Once a week would be bearable, with a catch. I've been in two long distance relationships where, at best, we saw each other only on the weekends, BUT, in both cases, there was a mutual enjoyment of each other. We LIKED to please each other, and we spent a tremendous amount of creative and kenetic energy doing so.
Once a week of starfish sex would be better than nothing, and, unfortunately, might only stretch out the agony.
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It lacks a motor, but the sail is up and wind moves it where it pleases.
