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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Sept 8, 2017 22:03:37 GMT -5
Alright, some of you know my story more than others. Here is a speedy breakdown:
Sex not good entire marriage
Always still kissed and snuggled
Yearly talks create influx for a couple of months then deplete back to status quo
This year's talk lasted longer than usual
Seven months into sex every 2 weeks I told him I needed more, I wanted him to get T checked, and go to counseling together
Other affection died but sex increased
Sex once a week for a month but zero snuggling minimal kissing and touching affection
So I found out his lack of affection is because he is mad at me.
He is mad that each time he thinks things are progressing and doing so well I spring it on him that I am unhappy and need more. (His anger was reinvigorated when I said this recent increase has not made me feel better just different, due to lack of affection/connection.) In his defense, sex once a week is really really hard for him, he has been working really hard to keep the pace up.
So now, the anger... I told him I cannot just have him living in a get with me, that's not how I want him to live and it clearly makes him distant from me. He remarked that he could be angry the rest of his life and still be happier because I am here, that he just wants me to stay, he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me.
So, between him and our counselor I have been given the ultimatum ..I have to choose. And like, now.
So here are some of my options in more detail.
A) stay and agree - this would entail me assuring him that as long as a set of standards are met that I'll take divorce off of the table. He gave me what he realistically thinks he can achieve, sex every 10-14 days and bringing my normal cuddling and affection back (essentially going back to exactly what things were when I brought up that I want to see a counselor). Now if I accept that, if I feel I can be content with that, it would mean we can work on subsiding his anger and get back to being more of a family again.
B) Leave - he said if I do not feel that option A is something I can be content with then he would rather just rip off the band-aid now. He doesn't want this option but he hates the gavel hanging over his head that I am going to leave/find someone else all the time.
(He has acknowledged that if I choose option A and things slip he would like me to bring it up but understands if I choose to leave at that point.)
This option would mean me slowing down or walking away from college, possibly losing most of my time with my 3yo, having to get a job that I can afford a place and in general being alone.
C) Stay with no decision - I told him this is not an easy decision for me because I really do know how I am going to feel about that. I was unhappy at the time but maybe with the new mindset I would be okay...
Now this option would mean that he would stay mad, he would still fuck me (as in no fondling or kissing, just straight to PIV, which I can do but I don't really get the same satisfaction) regularly enough but there should be no expectation of cuddling and kissing and general happiness towards me.
So yeah... There is my whole life and heart, tell me what you think. Good, bad and ugly. I am scared and sad, but mostly extremely conflicted.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 8, 2017 22:24:21 GMT -5
Dude needs to be a man and stop pouting. That's the big obstacle I'm hearing.
He can't maintain the current activity level *and* have a good attitude about it? Seriously, he only has the capacity for one or the other?
He doesn't want to fuck his wife... He should be humiliated by his behavior, not angry with you for calling it out.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 8, 2017 22:33:27 GMT -5
Hey MLM.
Ultimatums suck. But trust your heart.
The only other possibly worthwhile wisdom I could impart is that the "right" decision today at this moment, doesn't have to be same decision in a few more years. Maybe thats an option too.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 8, 2017 22:49:40 GMT -5
"A" only makes things tolerable, at best. I know I have said this before, but, if your spouse is only putting out under duress and not out of desire, is that really the kind of sex you want? I would argue, no, but it makes the situation tolerable.
Having a kid in the mix is an important concern. If he develops a crappy attitude that spills over into everyday life, your home is already broken and splitting will allow you and your daughter a chance to heal.
If staying with no decision was in play, I would go with unlisted option D and push for an open marriage or otherwise outsource.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 8, 2017 23:37:48 GMT -5
mrslowmaintenance, more random thoughts... If he "thinks things are improving, but then you say you're unhappy", that sounds like he has an unrealistic view of the situation. If you are clear about what you need, he should have no question whether he is meeting the bar (unless he wants to self-delude). Or... novel concept... he could ask you instead of making assumptions about something so critical. And I'm angry for you because he has shown that he is capable of both the affection and the frequent intimacy, but he is forcing you to chose between them. I will say that passionless, mechanical sex is next to useless, so don't waste your life with that option. You'll enjoy the chemical buzz, but zero emotional satisfaction. That's no way to live, and it sure ain't a relationship. Finally, I think you are misguided in your "make a break" perspective. You may find that the legal system supports you finishing your education, and being a busy parent does not make one a bad parent who's undeserving of custody. Channeling baza here, you need to chat with some attorneys and get educated on what your prospects really look like. P.s. - reality check: weekly sex is not "frequent" or "a lot".
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Post by baza on Sept 9, 2017 0:05:12 GMT -5
My vote went on "D" Basically because this IS on you Sister mrslowmaintenance . It is indeed entirely your call. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Sept 9, 2017 0:07:46 GMT -5
mrslowmaintenance, more random thoughts... If he "thinks things are improving, but then you say you're unhappy", that sounds like he has an unrealistic view of the situation. If you are clear about what you need, he should have no question whether he is meeting the bar (unless he wants to self-delude). Or... novel concept... he could ask you instead of making assumptions about something so critical. And I'm angry for you because he has shown that he is capable of both the affection and the frequent intimacy, but he is forcing you to chose between them. I will say that passionless, mechanical sex is next to useless, so don't waste your life with that option. You'll enjoy the chemical buzz, but zero emotional satisfaction. That's no way to live, and it sure ain't a relationship. Finally, I think you are misguided in your "make a break" perspective. You may find that the legal system supports you finishing your education, and being a busy parent does not make one a bad parent who's undeserving of custody. Channeling baza here, you need to chat with some attorneys and get educated on what your prospects really look like. P.s. - reality check: weekly sex is not "frequent" or "a lot". I agree, he should have just asked me. I had told him that I want to cuddle, I want a kiss,a hug, etc... I need those things in my life from my partner. The sex is extremely mechanical. He is lucky I am literally always good to go because otherwise I don't think he'd ever get his member wet. But that is is just because I am the way I am, in any other relationship he would not be able to say, "kneel on the bed" and get straight to it then leave before either can enjoy my post coitus kissing/touching. I need that back so badly. I did not even know how truly important that was to me. I should see a lawyer even if I do stay. I know I shave heard it said (and even did it myself,dammit) so I fuck,I need to do it. Just to know. If we split I don't think I could be the primary parent, between work and school I would not have enough time to be the mom that I am today and I do not want her to see me struggle like that. She is too young. And he works from home, he can take time to take her to/from school/ballet/swimming/soccer ..he can bring his laptop with him and let her be a kid. I wouldn't be able to do that. It breaks my heart to say it, but she would be better with him as her primary if I leave because I can't be there for her. I am hopeful there is more compromise to be had. My daughter does need me, and my life is so comfortable, but you are right. So freaking right. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 9, 2017 1:40:54 GMT -5
mrslowmaintenance Very tough situation. A lot in the balance. Ultimatums in Romance like this, very tough. I am dealing with ultimatums myself. I think it is worth highlighting that you are negotiating he amount of cuddles even you are allowed to get. Negotiating cuddles back into the marriage? Wow. Understood it is because he is angry with you but sounds like a negotiating point all the same. You know I am over in Europe and the Brothels in Germany some have standard prices: mechanical sex is EUR 50, change of positions EUR 80, Kissing and cuddling add another EUR 30, etc. I can understand an H with low libido not wanting pressure to have sex beyond his T level (we all take time to recharge biologically and psychologically) but negotiating cuddling? Option A for saving your marriage including for your daughter sake and over all situation. Who cannot be sympathetic to that. Couples go thru problems and maybe Option A is best for now but absolutely the right choice can and probably will change over time. Option A sounds like a negotiated settlement to save the deal, save the marriage, deals / contracts can later be annulled or broken, peace treaties can be violated or not honored. I was in a Psychotherapist office this week discussing all my romance madness and I walked in to her office and said I had a "DILEMMA" (two options to choose) and I walked out knowing I had a TETRA-LIMMA (4 choices - the other 2 I had not even thought of). I would agree with baza and ironhamster - there is a D and maybe even more options.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 9, 2017 1:45:52 GMT -5
Yeah, mrslowmaintenance, "bend over now" might carry some excitement if you were in a D/s relationship, but in this context you'd probably get more intimacy from a toy. You might learn that you're entitled to enough maintenance to sustain being focused as a student, which would not strain your ability to be a parent so badly. So the picture may not be as dark you presume. Legal advice will clarify. |
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Post by brian on Sept 9, 2017 5:49:08 GMT -5
Where is option "E"... the one where you get your cuddles and hugs from him and your mind-blowing sex from someone else? Why is that not an option? Or if that is not "socially acceptable" to your partner, how about you get sex from him and cuddles and kisses from someone else? I suppose that's option "F"?
You can always choose an option that is valid until you finish school and get a job. Basically, get your kid in school and then the time you spend at work isn't all that much different than the time she is at school.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2017 9:20:38 GMT -5
What I suggest is:
1. Taking sex completely off the table with him. He is an angry, passive aggressive man. What you now are getting is his deliberately offering you an angry act devoid of lust or affection or emotional fulfillment. It is degrading less than it would be if he were just going through the motions. He is acting that way deliberately to try to get you to comply with his desire to have a sm.
2. Divert your sexual energy into your studies so you can complete them more quickly.
3. Set a goal of divorcing him after you get your degree.
4. Talk to a lawyer now to find out your rights and learn to plan for your divorce.
5. Stop relying on him for affection. He is an angry man who uses affection and sex to hold you hostage. Be affectionate hug - your child, your women friends, get a huggable pet.
Realize that it's possible to be a good mom while working in school and single. Look in your own life and on line for examples. I have friends who were raised by such mothers and don't feel deprived.
6. Keep using this board for support and to help you process. Take advantage of any counseling your school offers.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 9, 2017 10:38:11 GMT -5
I chose A but I would probably need to outsource too.
Honestly if my H would have had sex with me once a month I could have accepted that. Marriage is about compromise.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 9, 2017 11:33:28 GMT -5
I could do A but would need other forms of sexual intimacy 2or 3 times in those 2 weeks to fill in the emotional gaps.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 9, 2017 17:17:10 GMT -5
I voted for option A from a pragmatic standpoint. It maintains the peace, the status quo and you get some sex. Do this until you finish college and then kick his lazy angry ass to the curb. Yes, I called him lazy because he refuses to make the effort to resolve his issues concerning sex and intimacy as it relates to your relationship.
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Post by h on Sept 9, 2017 18:01:00 GMT -5
I agree with jim44444 I suppose. If you wait to finish school then you can be on your own quickly. |
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