Post by WindSister on Sept 13, 2017 9:21:36 GMT -5
Challenging thoughts doesn't mean one doesn't care or understand or hear someone. When I was having issues with dealing internally with my husband's ex, I wasn't coddled. I was called a brat. Well some of you stated you understood and while I did appreciate that, it was the ones challenging me that changed me. I looked at myself and realized that no, I wasn't a brat, there were reasons I felt the way I felt (some of the reasons hurt deeply) but if I wasn't careful, I would eventually exhibit brat-like behavior. I KNEW I had to get myself in check, but it was the little extra kick from being challenged that ultimately helped me on that journey. (Thanks, JMX)
When I see over and over again some proclaiming they are ugly AND unworthy of love because of that (or too old), I eventually have to speak up because it's just too sad to witness.
For the record: I do NOT "blame" single people for being single because - number one, there is nothing wrong with being single! At all. It's not a disease, or a sickness or "bad behavior." It is not something someone has to fix.
I posted something that struck me yesterday but then deleted it because only part of it is worth sharing. And that's this: (forget the word "marriage" because it can also just mean long term relationship:
I am in a self-assessed happy relationship, but I do NOT think I have it all figured out, by the way. 
ANYWAY-
Back to the whole "too old and ugly to be loved" concept ---
We change as humans as we age, that's just a given. I think we suffer when we compare now to then and feel now is worse. That's an internal thing that we do have control over because life truly is how you look at it.
My husband is not getting bikini-body me. I am not getting hard-on every morning him. That's LIFE. YET -- I still get called sexy, we touch, flirt, have sex in ways that are enjoyable to US. NOW. It will keep changing. We will keep changing. But his SPARK will always be there. My SPARK will always be there. We SEE each other's "spark" (life, soul, whatever you want to call it) and we are attracted to that in each other. Beer belly? I just see HIM -- his crinkly happy eyes full of life and I melt.
Granted, finding someone "already aged" may change things. I did some googling because it fascinates me. I found this article hopeful and beautiful.
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-love/201111/over-60-and-looking-love-why-not
I just don't see why age would be a reason to ever give up on finding love. No, it doesn't have to consume one to the point they are unhappy if they don't find someone, and "taking breaks" is normal and healthy, but really, at all ages, at any age - it's possible. Unless you think it isn't. It just might be different than it once was but that doesn't make it any less real or wonderful.
Don't tell me I am not worthy of love because I have a few wrinkles. When you believe that of yourself, you believe it true for others too. I will not buy that for one second.
EH. Can't get the pictures to upload where they are supposed to but you guys are smart and will get the gist.
When I see over and over again some proclaiming they are ugly AND unworthy of love because of that (or too old), I eventually have to speak up because it's just too sad to witness.
For the record: I do NOT "blame" single people for being single because - number one, there is nothing wrong with being single! At all. It's not a disease, or a sickness or "bad behavior." It is not something someone has to fix.
I posted something that struck me yesterday but then deleted it because only part of it is worth sharing. And that's this: (forget the word "marriage" because it can also just mean long term relationship:
To a frustrated single person, life can often feel like this:
And at first glance, research seems to back this up, suggesting that married people are on average happier than single people and much happier than divorced people.1 But a closer analysis reveals that if you split up “married people” into two groups based on marriage quality, “people in self-assessed poor marriages are fairly miserable, and much less happy than unmarried people, and people in self-assessed good marriages are even more happy than the literature reports”.2 In other words, here’s what’s happening in reality:
Dissatisfied single people should actually consider themselves in a neutral, fairly hopeful position, compared to what their situation could be. A single person who would like to find a great relationship is one step away from it, with their to-do list reading, “1) Find a great relationship.” People in unhappy relationships, on the other hand, are three leaps away, with a to-do list of “1) Go through a soul-crushing break-up. 2) Emotionally recover. 3) Find a great relationship.” Not as bad when you look at it that way, right?
And at first glance, research seems to back this up, suggesting that married people are on average happier than single people and much happier than divorced people.1 But a closer analysis reveals that if you split up “married people” into two groups based on marriage quality, “people in self-assessed poor marriages are fairly miserable, and much less happy than unmarried people, and people in self-assessed good marriages are even more happy than the literature reports”.2 In other words, here’s what’s happening in reality:
Dissatisfied single people should actually consider themselves in a neutral, fairly hopeful position, compared to what their situation could be. A single person who would like to find a great relationship is one step away from it, with their to-do list reading, “1) Find a great relationship.” People in unhappy relationships, on the other hand, are three leaps away, with a to-do list of “1) Go through a soul-crushing break-up. 2) Emotionally recover. 3) Find a great relationship.” Not as bad when you look at it that way, right?
ANYWAY-
Back to the whole "too old and ugly to be loved" concept ---
We change as humans as we age, that's just a given. I think we suffer when we compare now to then and feel now is worse. That's an internal thing that we do have control over because life truly is how you look at it.
My husband is not getting bikini-body me. I am not getting hard-on every morning him. That's LIFE. YET -- I still get called sexy, we touch, flirt, have sex in ways that are enjoyable to US. NOW. It will keep changing. We will keep changing. But his SPARK will always be there. My SPARK will always be there. We SEE each other's "spark" (life, soul, whatever you want to call it) and we are attracted to that in each other. Beer belly? I just see HIM -- his crinkly happy eyes full of life and I melt.
Granted, finding someone "already aged" may change things. I did some googling because it fascinates me. I found this article hopeful and beautiful.
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-love/201111/over-60-and-looking-love-why-not
My acquaintance with a love-candidate would always begin with a telephone conversation. Quite quickly, I could tell if I liked the energy and intelligence of the speaker on the other end. If I liked what I heard, I would try to find a way to meet him in person, something that required elaborate arrangements because all of them were (still) coming from far distant places. When we would finally meet—and in spite of our often extensive time on the phone—I always had the same first impression: This is a very OLD man.
None of us feels old inside; we have within us a vein of youth that never dies. In spite of those wrinkles I see in the mirror, I never picture myself as old. Thus, faced with a man my age (or somewhat older), he'd seem really old to me. I would have to slow down and remind myself that I also am in "later life." I would caution myself about the "chemistry" thing, tell myself not to judge too quickly, and remember that conversation adds the real spice to life. I would settle into getting to know the guy.
~~~
Paradoxically and unexpectedly, what I discovered in this comprehensive inquiry into the lives of strangers was less about them than about me. When all is said and done, I value generosity, kindness, humor and optimism more than anything else. No matter a man's age or appearance, I found him attractive if he had the above traits, especially a charming humor or wit. On the other hand, I also came to note the importance of education, earnings, success and competence.
~~~
All this effort late in life gives rise to an interesting insight, perhaps best expressed—if unconsciously and with no obvious sense of irony—by a 67-year-old Wisconsin man. A semi-retired wildlife biologist, he refers to himself as a "veteran of [the Internet dating] wars," having prowled the major Internet dating sites for six years in search of new love. Previously married for 32 years, divorced for almost 10, and looking for a woman aged 55 to 66 within 90 miles of his hometown, he averages one date a week, but none of his dates have developed into relationships. "I've met a lot of nice people, had a lot of dates" he says. "I just haven't found that right one yet," But he's not discouraged. (Can I learn something from him?) "All it takes is one, you know. So I keep plugging away at it with the idea that it's very possible. When I find somebody it's going to be for the long-term. That's why I'm so fussy." For the long term? At 67?
Seeing the world through his eyes for a moment, I find myself appreciating my research into love-candidates in a different way. I can now see more clearly than ever what I value in a man. I have also learned something deeply touching about men: they are vulnerable, caring and want pretty much what I want, at least the ones who make it through the initial interview. "They" aren't really "they," but are truly "we" —and I have come to embrace that in a new way. In our aging bodies we really know how precious life is and how remarkable it is to meet a stranger who becomes an intimate friend. And it also becomes clear that falling in love is something we feel as keenly as ever. There is a vein of agelessness that runs through our being that refuses to feel "old" in relation to a new love. Fluttering hearts, sweaty palms, laughing too hard and worries about being misunderstood or unattractive don't go away with age. But neither does the desire to be truly known and seen and accepted as we are, just as we are. Even Internet dating, as awkward and commercial as it can seem to be and often is, shows us that the desire for intimate love never dies, and that knowing and being known as a particular individual is an everlasting miracle.
None of us feels old inside; we have within us a vein of youth that never dies. In spite of those wrinkles I see in the mirror, I never picture myself as old. Thus, faced with a man my age (or somewhat older), he'd seem really old to me. I would have to slow down and remind myself that I also am in "later life." I would caution myself about the "chemistry" thing, tell myself not to judge too quickly, and remember that conversation adds the real spice to life. I would settle into getting to know the guy.
~~~
Paradoxically and unexpectedly, what I discovered in this comprehensive inquiry into the lives of strangers was less about them than about me. When all is said and done, I value generosity, kindness, humor and optimism more than anything else. No matter a man's age or appearance, I found him attractive if he had the above traits, especially a charming humor or wit. On the other hand, I also came to note the importance of education, earnings, success and competence.
~~~
All this effort late in life gives rise to an interesting insight, perhaps best expressed—if unconsciously and with no obvious sense of irony—by a 67-year-old Wisconsin man. A semi-retired wildlife biologist, he refers to himself as a "veteran of [the Internet dating] wars," having prowled the major Internet dating sites for six years in search of new love. Previously married for 32 years, divorced for almost 10, and looking for a woman aged 55 to 66 within 90 miles of his hometown, he averages one date a week, but none of his dates have developed into relationships. "I've met a lot of nice people, had a lot of dates" he says. "I just haven't found that right one yet," But he's not discouraged. (Can I learn something from him?) "All it takes is one, you know. So I keep plugging away at it with the idea that it's very possible. When I find somebody it's going to be for the long-term. That's why I'm so fussy." For the long term? At 67?
Seeing the world through his eyes for a moment, I find myself appreciating my research into love-candidates in a different way. I can now see more clearly than ever what I value in a man. I have also learned something deeply touching about men: they are vulnerable, caring and want pretty much what I want, at least the ones who make it through the initial interview. "They" aren't really "they," but are truly "we" —and I have come to embrace that in a new way. In our aging bodies we really know how precious life is and how remarkable it is to meet a stranger who becomes an intimate friend. And it also becomes clear that falling in love is something we feel as keenly as ever. There is a vein of agelessness that runs through our being that refuses to feel "old" in relation to a new love. Fluttering hearts, sweaty palms, laughing too hard and worries about being misunderstood or unattractive don't go away with age. But neither does the desire to be truly known and seen and accepted as we are, just as we are. Even Internet dating, as awkward and commercial as it can seem to be and often is, shows us that the desire for intimate love never dies, and that knowing and being known as a particular individual is an everlasting miracle.
I just don't see why age would be a reason to ever give up on finding love. No, it doesn't have to consume one to the point they are unhappy if they don't find someone, and "taking breaks" is normal and healthy, but really, at all ages, at any age - it's possible. Unless you think it isn't. It just might be different than it once was but that doesn't make it any less real or wonderful.
Don't tell me I am not worthy of love because I have a few wrinkles. When you believe that of yourself, you believe it true for others too. I will not buy that for one second.
EH. Can't get the pictures to upload where they are supposed to but you guys are smart and will get the gist.
