My Rant: Why Not Be Honest?

I agree, and understand this, Kat.

I am older than you, and what has shocked me is what a difference one-year makes in the aging process. 60 th birthday, looking older, but my body was still young looking. 61st birthday WTH happened? Total shock that my body skin aged 10-20 years in 12-months. Even between June this year to now, my face and body have aged more, so I'm there already...old and ugly. I repulse myself, so I'm sure not going to let a man near me like this. I've seen women in their 70s look better than I do. I put it down to prolonged stress and little sleep over many years. The body can't repair itself without adequate sleep.

This may not happen to you because you had some years of happiness, and perhaps enough sleep, so you may last longer in the looks department. I hope so, and I hope your special guy comes along sooner rather than later.

Amen.  

If I say anything more I will just appear smug and uncaring. 

So, just, AMEN.  

I don't agree with you.

I work out, eat healthy, take care of my skin, although your advice about sun damage is 27-years too late for me, and I didn't sunbathe. Go to the hairdressers every 8- weeks or so, and wear nice and appropriate make-up. I've done volunteer work. I can assure you, no amount of volunteer work...or any kind of work...turns old and ugly into something sexy. That's a ridiculous statement.

I always find it's the ones in happy relationships making it seem like it's our fault we are single, just because we don't conform to your idea of what it takes to find a decent partner. You don't account for different personalities...introverts and extroverts, or what psychological damage we are carrying. It's bad enough we've had to go through it, but to make it seem like we are bitter old biddies, when we are not is adding insult to injury.

northstarmom, sometimes people want empathy more than they want step-by-step instructions.

Sometimes a person just wants to hear, "I know you're unhappy, and I wish things were different for you."

Hi cagedadventurer

Sorry about the delayed response, it's been a really long day.

Your questions deserve a detailed response but I'm sorry it's late and I've an equally long day tomorrow so I'll have to be brief. If you'd be happy for me to Private Message you, I'd be happy to give you a better response.

When I asked for a separation my wife said "Yes, it isn't really working is it?". The marriage wasn't working; truth be told it had never really worked - the almost complete lack of sex was just part of it. She finally recognised the reality that we weren't a married couple beyond pretending in public.

I wasn't angry or resentful - it was over and that was that. She knew I'd thought it through and made up my mind. She knew me well enough to realise that if I'd come to that point then that was it.

It takes two to have a fight and I wasn't going to fight. There was nothing to fight over. The marriage had come to an end and we had to find a way of living separately. She was unhappy and I was unhappy; she would never have called time on the marriage but thankfully I did. She did try to work up some anger but I forestalled that. She was was fearful (as was I) separating is unpleasant, sad, stressful etc. but you can be amicable and make it work for both of you.

I think she is lonely. I think she made the wrong call when she declared that she was going to be the one to move out and make a fresh start and I think she realises that now. That was her choice and she has to live with it, as I have to live with mine. Right now I am not lonely; I have worked hard to keep in touch with family and friends and to get back in touch with people I had lost contact with as I retreated into myself to escape from the loneliness of my marriage.

If I am lucky to live to extreme old age I will become more lonely as family and friends die but that goes for all of us - including those surviving spouses from happy marriages. Meanwhile I am happy and content. The initial phase of 'stunned serenity' is coming to and end and I am beginning to get moving again. I'm working to repair the psychological damage caused by the marriage and I'm getting out of the house and 'doing stuff'.

My wife doesn't live that far away from me. When we interact she is curt and seems angry - those are her problems not mine. I don't think she is in denial and she has not tried to reach out to me.

We live separate lives and that's that.

I hope this helps but if you want to PM me (or visa versa) you are more than welcome to do so.

All the best

There was a member - since deleted - by the name of roch643 (or something like that).
He posted a lot for a while, even put up some pics of himself (quite a presentable bloke too) and his muscle car. He seemed like an ok sort of fellow.
But boy oh boy, he was the best exponent of self-put downs, self-criticisms, and rarely let a post go by where he didn't note how no-one found him attractive or ever would.
And he was most likely correct, as that mindset was the prism through which he viewed things, and consequently, that was his reality. That was the authentic roch643.

This is where you Sister Caris , are ahead of the game.
At the bare minimum, you are at least seeing some evidence that blokes DO find you attractive.
Now at this point, the "right" bloke hasn't emerged, but it does seem that your prism is at least partially open, at least a teeny bit, to the possibility that there *might* possibly, maybe, perhaps be a decent bloke (or blokes) out there.
So if some decent bloke crosses your path, you are at least some sort of a chance of seeing said bloke.

Former Brother roch643 was no chance whatsoever of seeing such a thing.