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Post by brian on Sept 4, 2017 4:45:29 GMT -5
OK. This is probably closer to a discussion about boundaries in a relationship than just text messages.
My roomie occasionally sifts through my text messages, looking for indiscretions, I guess. My 12yr old thinks this is fine... I should have nothing to hide. I just can't stop thinking about what is actually MINE in the house... the kids have learned from her that it's OK to rummage through just about everything. They found the never used dildo in the closet -- that's made for some uncomfortable conversations for my roomie. I can't keep anything hidden.
So... what kind of boundaries do you all have?
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Post by thefullmoon on Sept 4, 2017 5:34:34 GMT -5
OK. This is probably closer to a discussion about boundaries in a relationship than just text messages. My roomie occasionally sifts through my text messages, looking for indiscretions, I guess. My 12yr old thinks this is fine... I should have nothing to hide. I just can't stop thinking about what is actually MINE in the house... the kids have learned from her that it's OK to rummage through just about everything. They found the never used dildo in the closet -- that's made for some uncomfortable conversations for my roomie. I can't keep anything hidden. So... what kind of boundaries do you all have? Why don't you lock your accounts and mobile? Aren't all mobiles self-lockable now? To me it looks like nobody around can see a contant of anybody else's mobile... |
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Post by baza on Sept 4, 2017 5:47:39 GMT -5
In the latter stages of my ILIASM deal, my missus was engaging in behaviours that had the potential to destabilise her - and my - and her invalid sister (who she held power of attorney for) - finances.
Although it went against every principle I held at that time, it was necessary for me to do some probing into what was going on, and to take the appropriate actions to safeguard everyones financial interests. This involved me trampling all over boundaries involving personal confidentiality.
So, I am far from a "cleanskin" as far as respecting personal confidentiality.
I would say however, that if the same set of circumstances arose again, I would do what I did again.
Anyway, that's history.
These days in my deal with Ms enna, it's an open book, and as such I can "adhere to my principles" again !!!!
But specifically about looking at each others phones and suchlike - I have no interest in what might be on Ms enna's phone, and I couldn't give a shit if she looked through my phone. It's a huge non event.
Oftentimes, if I am near her phone when it chirps, she'll ask me to answer it - or read out the message to her.
On that basis I voted #1.
I guess my point here is that "usually" I respect peoples confidentiality and privacy.
But, circumstances can arise where those principles may have to be broken for the greater good. That was the situation (as described above) in my ILIASM deal. I hope I don't run into that - or a similar - moral dilemma again. It was no fun whatsoever.
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Post by brian on Sept 4, 2017 6:20:47 GMT -5
OK. This is probably closer to a discussion about boundaries in a relationship than just text messages. My roomie occasionally sifts through my text messages, looking for indiscretions, I guess. My 12yr old thinks this is fine... I should have nothing to hide. I just can't stop thinking about what is actually MINE in the house... the kids have learned from her that it's OK to rummage through just about everything. They found the never used dildo in the closet -- that's made for some uncomfortable conversations for my roomie. I can't keep anything hidden. So... what kind of boundaries do you all have? Why don't you lock your accounts and mobile? Aren't all mobiles self-lockable now? To me it looks like nobody around can see a contant of anybody else's mobile... It is locked. Case in point last evening, we're driving to dinner and my phone beeps with a text. Roomie asks, "Who just texted? Let me see." I told her is was Susan (a mutual friend of ours) and accidentally dropped the phone. In my defense, I WAS driving. I hadn't read the text, but at the next light she had me grab my phone and unlock it so she could read the message. After reading that message, she spent the next 10 minutes rifling through my text history looking for... I guess... evidence. Although there isn't anything damning to see, I hope she finds something that wakes her up. LOL |
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Post by csl on Sept 4, 2017 7:17:51 GMT -5
Why don't you lock your accounts and mobile? Aren't all mobiles self-lockable now? To me it looks like nobody around can see a contant of anybody else's mobile... It is locked. Case in point last evening, we're driving to dinner and my phone beeps with a text. Roomie asks, "Who just texted? Let me see." I told her is was Susan (a mutual friend of ours) and accidentally dropped the phone. In my defense, I WAS driving. I hadn't read the text, but at the next light she had me grab my phone and unlock it so she could read the message. After reading that message, she spent the next 10 minutes rifling through my text history looking for... I guess... evidence. Although there isn't anything damning to see, I hope she finds something that wakes her up. LOL Time to change the code to something beside a swipe. Oops. I replied before having my coffee. I didn't catch that she had you unlock it. The proper reply was "No." (The improper reply was "Go to Hades", but that's opens up another front in the war.") |
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 4, 2017 7:29:24 GMT -5
I always hated that. My W does that crap too, even when we were dating, it feels like she was snooping looking for something. Well, when I got my current phone, I decided I've had enough and switched to finger print reader and a swipe shape as backup screen unlock.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 4, 2017 8:34:31 GMT -5
My phone and my tablet are both unlocked. My W's tablet is unlocked but her phone has her fingerprint lock but my fingerprint also works to unlock it.
I do not rummage through her texts or history and as far as I know she does not rummage through mine. She knows I have an account on ILIASM (I left a page open) and we discussed it. As far as I know she has not stalked me.
So I selected option #1, I do not encourage or want her to "rummage through" my online history but I am not going into stealth mode either.
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Post by thefullmoon on Sept 4, 2017 11:33:04 GMT -5
Why don't you lock your accounts and mobile? Aren't all mobiles self-lockable now? To me it looks like nobody around can see a contant of anybody else's mobile... It is locked. Case in point last evening, we're driving to dinner and my phone beeps with a text. Roomie asks, "Who just texted? Let me see." I told her is was Susan (a mutual friend of ours) and accidentally dropped the phone. In my defense, I WAS driving. I hadn't read the text, but at the next light she had me grab my phone and unlock it so she could read the message. After reading that message, she spent the next 10 minutes rifling through my text history looking for... I guess... evidence. Although there isn't anything damning to see, I hope she finds something that wakes her up. LOL Many years ago I put my phone on silence mode...my extremely irritable husband hated any sounds coming from "f**ing modern technoligy" ..very soon I realised it gave me a gift of total privacy ... if he does not know about texts, he does not ask... I never had any texts which could not wait to be read later... |
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 4, 2017 14:31:52 GMT -5
My phone is not locked....but she never even bothers to look...nor do I bother to look at hers....
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 4, 2017 16:25:15 GMT -5
I like this discussion because it has so much to do with, respect, maturity, trust, and freedom. Long before every 3 yr. old had there own phone was the computers. My W has always dominated them. Including whatever information, and communications that she is able to do on her work computer. Something I will never know about. One day I discovered a page long typed list of all the multiple User names, and passwords she has! She's worked top security clearance jobs for 4 major corporations, so that's understandable, but.... an entire page?! My case is like baza's. The boundaries had to be broken with subpoenas during the divorce.
My STBX's true colors of manipulation and control came glaring through when asked questions about multiple accounts in her name only and a decade of moving finances.
My spouse also has multiple locks and controls on our computers. All in the name of "protecting the children". She monitors everyone's phones and computer use.
My 4 older boys have been spending there own money to buy their own computers, their own phones, their own phone services. When what they ought to be saving for is their own cars, and paying to take girls out on dates, not computers. My youngest daughter deletes every message after reading it. They remember the times when their mother wanted their phone to look at EVERYTHING.
The teens have nothing to hide. But it's like having someone read your diary. My wife buys into this rhetoric that every text my teens receive is some newly released criminal pervert, rapist, lunatic, psycho, who my teens are going to send money and naked photos to!
My W buys into the notion that if you haven't monitored and controlled every text sent or received by your teenager, then you are unfit to be a parent! As my teens are getting one to two years from being adults, what do you think all this snooping and controlling does to them? Do you think it teaches them that they can be trusted? That they have maturity? That their decisions are respected? That they have freedom? Hardly at all!! Much the same with our marriage.
Another example of a one way street paved with double standards!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2017 19:38:41 GMT -5
My h doesn't read my phone and I don't read his. At one point, I wanted to but once i realized he wasn't cheating, I had no reason to.
I go through my 13 year old's iPhone twice a week, mostly because I know whats waiting for her in the world if she's not careful.
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Post by h on Sept 4, 2017 20:27:38 GMT -5
My W and I don't lock our phones or anything else but we don't bother snooping. I leave the iliasm tab open on chrome but she's never looked. If she does, we'll talk about it and also talk about boundaries.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 4, 2017 20:34:09 GMT -5
We've never monitored our kids. We talk with them. We talk with their friends. My girls know their father loves them, and they are not seeking out affirmation by going boy crazy.
A year ago, I would have been pissed if my W was fooling around. Now, I could not care less. If she was, that is just one thing she cannot complain about when she catches me. In the mean time, don't ask don't tell.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by johannesfactotum on Sept 4, 2017 23:16:38 GMT -5
I have nothing to hide from her, so I don't care if she looks. She's got her head buried so deep in the sand about the state of our garbage "marriage" that I don't think she'd want to know. She'd rather live in denial and ignorance rather than actually have to acknowledge the failure of our marriage.
Even if I did have something to hide, I'm so far past giving a damn what she thinks that I'd pretty much throw it in her face just to make her feel like shit.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 5, 2017 8:18:01 GMT -5
OK. This is probably closer to a discussion about boundaries in a relationship than just text messages. My roomie occasionally sifts through my text messages, looking for indiscretions, I guess. My 12yr old thinks this is fine... I should have nothing to hide. I just can't stop thinking about what is actually MINE in the house... the kids have learned from her that it's OK to rummage through just about everything. They found the never used dildo in the closet -- that's made for some uncomfortable conversations for my roomie. I can't keep anything hidden. So... what kind of boundaries do you all have? My wife lets the kids go everywhere too. When I was a kid we were not permitted in our parents room, ever. I don't ever let my wife or my kids in my devices (phone, tablet, laptop). Yes, I occasionally outsource, but that's not what this is about. It's about personal privacy. My devices are the only place I have left that either my wife or my kids have not infiltrated. My wife leaves all her stuff unlocked and the kids mess with her laptop and tablet all the time, it infuriates her, I don't need that. Oh, I never send anything important in texts anyway, I don't trust text messages. |
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