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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 5, 2017 8:29:26 GMT -5
Getting the divorce pushed me into getting my own computer, my own email. So I could receive emails from my attorney. My little portable lap top goes with me everywhere, and stays hidden at home.
I also realize that my teens notice and see this. So it is also an example I have been forced to set.
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Post by iceman on Sept 5, 2017 9:19:56 GMT -5
I don't have anything to hide but it pisses me off when she starts snooping. Fortunately she doesn't do it that often. It's a matter of privacy for me. Just because we're married doesn't mean we don't respect each other's privacy. We're still individuals. I'm by nature a private person, even with my wife, as odd as that might sound. I don't look at her texts or computer. I don't open mail addressed just to her. It's all her stuff. If she wants or needs me to know something about what might be there she'll tell me and I expect the same courtesy from her. If there is something pertinent to us as a couple or our family it will come via email, mail, or text to both of us.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 5, 2017 10:33:41 GMT -5
A while ago i talked to my W about her snooping. I tried explaining to her that if I was, then she wouldn't be able to find any evidence on my phone. If I was cheating, then any incriminating evidence would be deleted before I came home, including text messages, phone logs, apps, ect. She wasn't happy about that, but she has stop snooping, for now. Plus with the snooping she is assuming I'm guilty and just looking for the evidence. There is no way to prove I am not cheating.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 10:59:01 GMT -5
I dislike the whole idea of spouses or partners spying each other. It's an invasion of privacy. People need to have a few private things that belong only to them, or they feel like they're in jail.
Also, I would not want to be in a relationship where I had to check up on my man all the time. I want to be his lover and his friend - not a cop or a parent, scrutinizing everything he does. It's no fun for me if I have to feel like a cop. If I think my man is hiding something from me, I would hope I would have the strength to just ask him.
Keeping in mind, my gadgets are not exactly virginal, either. If my man neglects me and ignores me too much, I'm quite capable of using my gadgets to find comfort.
For security reasons not connected to my love life, all my gadgets are locked and I use a password vault for all account passwords, and a VPN. I know a little too much about IT stuff to be too lax with security.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 5, 2017 13:00:18 GMT -5
During my SM, I didn't have a passcode or anything protecting my phone. After all, I had nothing to hide.
When we started divorce proceedings, however, I did put a passcode on my phone since we were no longer together on Team Sham. There were communications with my attorney that I, understandably, did not necessarily wish my wife to see. Other than those communications, though? I couldn't give a flying fuck what she saw. I wasn't cheating and had never cheated, so had nothing to hide. If she stumbled upon postings on this site, she may not relish the frankness in which I spoke about our marriage. On the other hand, I did not relish living in that marriage, so fuck it.
After the divorce was finalized, I did disable the location feature on my phone in the app we use to track the kids (life 360). If her or the kids want to know where I'm at, they can ask. I will decide what to tell them if they do. She didn't disable that functionality on hers, and I could care less.
Her phone has always been locked. It never bothered me. I never really wanted to know what was on it (I'm not into Facebook and Pintrist.
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Post by LITW on Sept 20, 2017 10:39:43 GMT -5
My wife believes in sharing everything, to the point of she does not want her own phone, but wants to use mine on the rare occasion she needs one. For that reason I have to give her the pass code on it. Every time she borrows it, she goes though every contact, every text, and ever item in the call history. If I were to ever have an electronic device which I did not give her the password for, she would immediately become suspicious, even if there is nothing to hide.
I am generally a private person and I like a to have a few spots in the house that are "my space", but sadly, like you, I can't hide anything because she feels free to rummage though anything...and then ask probing questions about what she finds. She sees it as us bonding, but I see it as in intrusion. I tried explaining that to her, but she doesn't (wont?) understand my point of view. When I try to set up boundaries, she gets mad and says she feels as if I am disrespecting her.
My solution is to not use my phone for anything I would not want her to see, and I make use of incognito mode for when I am on this board.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 20, 2017 10:53:48 GMT -5
I don't text. I don't sext. I don't do Facebook or Pintrist or the whole myriad of social sites. I have a real life so I don't much need a virtual one. Besides I don't much figure reading about what the dog and I had for breakfast or how aggravating it is to lug the trash can up to the cul-de-sac on Thursday mornings is going to draw that big a following.
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2017 11:12:36 GMT -5
My wife believes in sharing everything, to the point of she does not want her own phone, but wants to use mine on the rare occasion she needs one. For that reason I have to give her the pass code on it. Every time she borrows it, she goes though every contact, every text, and ever item in the call history. If I were to ever have an electronic device which I did not give her the password for, she would immediately become suspicious, even if there is nothing to hide. I am generally a private person and I like a to have a few spots in the house that are "my space", but sadly, like you, I can't hide anything because she feels free to rummage though anything...and then ask probing questions about what she finds. She sees it as us bonding, but I see it as in intrusion. I tried explaining that to her, but she doesn't (wont?) understand my point of view. When I try to set up boundaries, she gets mad and says she feels as if I am disrespecting her. My solution is to not use my phone for anything I would not want her to see, and I make use of incognito mode for when I am on this board. It is an intrusion. She needs to get her own phone. I don't have a password on mine but my W knows to ask first and doesn't very often anyway. She never goes through my texts either. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 20, 2017 12:11:07 GMT -5
LITW, I would suggest... change this precedent while it's still irrelevant, so that when a time comes that you do need privacy it won't draw suspicion. Is she OK with random strangers strolling through her house? Viewing her bank accounts? Why not? Does she have something to hide? If not, then what's the harm, right? It's about a simple, basic right to personal privacy. The issue I've found with my W is that the more she knows, the more she feels entitled to opinions. I used to be on-board with the idea of living transparently, but it got to the point that she would challenge my logic in trivial matters. When it went clearly over the line of "educating her" and became "justifying all my actions", I took back my balls and cut her out of the information loop. Not how I believe a relationship should be, but I refuse to allow her boredom to translate into nitpicking my thinking.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 20, 2017 12:50:37 GMT -5
I had nothing to hide so never locked my cell phone. Unless it rang while I was in the other side of the house, my refuser didn't look at it. Only reason he ever looked would be if I were far away and he was checking to see if I was missing an important call.
He, however, kept his phone and computer locked. It ended up the reason was that he was cheating.
I'm out of that marriage and am in a good relationship. My partner doesn't look his phone. I don't look unless it's ringing when he is out of the room. Mine is locked because I fear losing it and strangers having access to my info. I have told my partner the code when I needed something from the phone which was near him but not me.
I don't snoop on his phone and am reasonably sure he doesn't snoop on mine. Such a lack of trust would be a deal breaker.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 20, 2017 20:35:48 GMT -5
My wife believes in sharing everything, to the point of she does not want her own phone, but wants to use mine on the rare occasion she needs one. For that reason I have to give her the pass code on it. Every time she borrows it, she goes though every contact, every text, and ever item in the call history. If I were to ever have an electronic device which I did not give her the password for, she would immediately become suspicious, even if there is nothing to hide. I am generally a private person and I like a to have a few spots in the house that are "my space", but sadly, like you, I can't hide anything because she feels free to rummage though anything...and then ask probing questions about what she finds. She sees it as us bonding, but I see it as in intrusion. I tried explaining that to her, but she doesn't (wont?) understand my point of view. When I try to set up boundaries, she gets mad and says she feels as if I am disrespecting her. My solution is to not use my phone for anything I would not want her to see, and I make use of incognito mode for when I am on this board. That is a massive invasion of privacy. I would sign her up for her open Gmail account and then add it to my phone. And then locker her out of my account. If she wants to make a call, she can use her own account. Unfortunately the call history is shared if you enable phone and sms on the second account but you can use a different app like Skype if you need to make calls to people like laywers. |
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Post by merrygoround on Sept 21, 2017 0:36:09 GMT -5
I've documented in my story on here before his need for complete "transparency" to the point that anytime I used my phone, he would ask what was going on. I told him many times, just take my phone and look - I had nothing to hide. The kids certainly picked up my phone enough and everyone knew the password ....... Conversely if he was texting or messaging, I wasn't interested and if he asked me if I wanted to know what it was, I told him no, that was his private business. See the difference?
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Post by rejected101 on Sept 21, 2017 4:46:06 GMT -5
I was the most loyal and affair hating person I knew. That was until after years of having sex once a month or worse, I discovered my wife likes to watch porn and jerk off. More regularly in fact than she likes to participate in sex with her husband. So whilst I'm still not a huge fan of affairs.....it happens! And until I know the guilty parties story, I don't make any judgement.
So I am guilty of sending some texts or messages that would be upsetting and possibly spoil our relationship. And therefore I have to keep on top of my phone somewhat. Sounds terrible but I wasn't born a monster. The monster was created.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 21, 2017 6:27:51 GMT -5
This discussion about phone privacy versus transparency versus whatever is a microsubset of a problem with modern communication technology. The concept of privacy is an illusion. Privacy only exists within the realm of laziness. If someone or some organization wants to spend the resources then our online lives are an open book.
I recall a thread on Experience Project where the poster was texting with a friend some innocent stuff when her husband started laughing at her. Somehow she had managed to share her screen with their Smart TV. Not a problem at that moment but her fear was what if that happened while she was texting her AP?
As for me, my phone and my tablet are unlocked, if the W wants to snoop then she can easily do so. There is nothing on them that I am concerned that she might see. I do clean up my browsing history, my emails and my text messages only to improve system performance.
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Post by Caris on Sept 21, 2017 11:44:34 GMT -5
I no longer have a refuser, but I voted, "hell no!" My personal space is very important to me. No one sees my texts or private emails or letters. Even if I were to have a new romantic partner, he wouldn't see them either. He wouldn't know I'm on this forum, or EP, or SW. I see these sites as part of my "alone" time. I value and respect my privacy and that of others.
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