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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 8:28:30 GMT -5
My story (summarized elsewhere) is fairly simple. Not a horribly dysfunctional marriage, two people that mostly deal with each other honestly, no passion/intimacy or sex. I originally came here thinking I had crossed over into "definitely staying" which has lately just felt like the safe choice. We have "sex" (often MM in the last year) every 6-8 weeks and that's not the worst, at least it hasn't been years. But the general sexlessness won't change and I get that. So now that I get that...what now?
So my questions are for those who have left. When did you know you needed a plan to end the marriage? How did you deal with fear of the unknown? I feel a bit like i'm at sea in a boat that's not sinking but won't get me to shore either. Do I dive in and swim for the shore or stay in the boat.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 10:38:56 GMT -5
I woke up one day and realized I'd rather risk loneliness as a single than remain lonely in marriage. I realized the most irritating thing in my life was my husband's presence.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 17, 2017 11:51:45 GMT -5
After 10 years of nothing, and continually being told there was nothing he could do about it, I knew things would never change and I had to leave. I was unhappy and angry/irritable all the time. The sight/sound of him got on my nerves. [The nail in the coffin was a therapy exercise where we had to plan dates. He was annoyed he had to do all the work planning his date for us (thought he could think of something and I'd do all the work), and for mine he basically belittled mine and made me feel like crap about it, even though I planned something I knew he would like.]
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 17, 2017 13:08:33 GMT -5
I woke up one day and realized I'd rather risk loneliness as a single than remain lonely in marriage. I realized the most irritating thing in my life was my husband's presence. I'd agree with this completely. To add to the last point that northstarmom makes, my wife went away for a week for work and I was shocked to realise how relaxed and content I was; at that point it became a matter of when not if. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 13:16:23 GMT -5
After 10 years of nothing, and continually being told there was nothing he could do about it, I knew things would never change and I had to leave. I was unhappy and angry/irritable all the time. The sight/sound of him got on my nerves. [The nail in the coffin was a therapy exercise where we had to plan dates. He was annoyed he had to do all the work planning his date for us (thought he could think of something and I'd do all the work), and for mine he basically belittled mine and made me feel like crap about it, even though I planned something I knew he would like.] 10 years?! That should qualify you for sainthood or free coffee for life or something. I haven't reached that level of frustration. Well, more accurately, I had reached that level of frustration back when I was about 40 but now I'm more philosophical about it. My resentment level was a ten for many years and now...not so much. Except I'm only 50 and she seems quite fine with our sex life winding down (not that it was ever wound up) and ending soon. I suppose what is replacing resentment is just the sense that I still care and she just doesn't, not in any way I recognize or can see. I've tried a number of times over the years to plan a weekend or something similar and she always finds a way to keep it from happening. In hindsight, did she just think I wanted sex and not a nice weekend? Did I cause that? How long was your exit plan once you knew you were done? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 13:19:17 GMT -5
I woke up one day and realized I'd rather risk loneliness as a single than remain lonely in marriage. I realized the most irritating thing in my life was my husband's presence. That's what I was afraid someone would say. It would take years for me to reach that point as our relationship is safe, stable, etc. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 13:27:42 GMT -5
My relationship was safe and stable. Over time, it became empty and an energy drain. Safe and stable was not enough for me. Ironically, when I got fed up and decided to divorce, my husband revealed he was having an affair and, at age 62 after 3: years of marriage, was supporting a toddler he thought he'd fathered.
What you think is safe and stable may not be at all. Everything changes.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 17, 2017 13:32:32 GMT -5
I had safe and stable marriage as well but it was sucking the life out of me, in every sense of the phrase.
I just had to make the change and leave. It got to the point where it was unendurable.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 17, 2017 13:35:02 GMT -5
After 10 years of nothing, and continually being told there was nothing he could do about it, I knew things would never change and I had to leave. I was unhappy and angry/irritable all the time. The sight/sound of him got on my nerves. [The nail in the coffin was a therapy exercise where we had to plan dates. He was annoyed he had to do all the work planning his date for us (thought he could think of something and I'd do all the work), and for mine he basically belittled mine and made me feel like crap about it, even though I planned something I knew he would like.] 10 years?! That should qualify you for sainthood or free coffee for life or something. I haven't reached that level of frustration. Well, more accurately, I had reached that level of frustration back when I was about 40 but now I'm more philosophical about it. My resentment level was a ten for many years and now...not so much. Except I'm only 50 and she seems quite fine with our sex life winding down (not that it was ever wound up) and ending soon. I suppose what is replacing resentment is just the sense that I still care and she just doesn't, not in any way I recognize or can see. I've tried a number of times over the years to plan a weekend or something similar and she always finds a way to keep it from happening. In hindsight, did she just think I wanted sex and not a nice weekend? Did I cause that? How long was your exit plan once you knew you were done? Thanks. The years went by so fast, then looking back it was like, "holy crap!" It was in mid-2011 that we had some very serious Talks, and tried counseling. I was so done, but wanted to be sure I tried everything. Over about a year and a half I saw a lawyer, found a full-time job, found a place to live, found a mediator to help us file for divorce. It was all baby steps. I moved out in summer 2013, we filed the paperwork in August and had the court date soon afterward, divorce final December 2013.  |
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 17, 2017 13:47:37 GMT -5
I'm only eight weeks out and happy but I find the realisation of all the wasted years, all the wasted life the most difficult thing to deal with. I'm hoping it gets better soon.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 13:54:26 GMT -5
My story (summarized elsewhere) is fairly simple. Not a horribly dysfunctional marriage, two people that mostly deal with each other honestly, no passion/intimacy or sex. I originally came here thinking I had crossed over into "definitely staying" which has lately just felt like the safe choice. We have "sex" (often MM in the last year) every 6-8 weeks and that's not the worst, at least it hasn't been years. But the general sexlessness won't change and I get that. So now that I get that...what now? So my questions are for those who have left. When did you know you needed a plan to end the marriage? How did you deal with fear of the unknown? I feel a bit like i'm at sea in a boat that's not sinking but won't get me to shore either. Do I dive in and swim for the shore or stay in the boat. My W had her last ovary removed in 2010. She had been difficult before, but after that, she was totally nuts. She refused to go to the doctor and would not even consider hormones. All sexual activity was stopped. She was also extremely verbally abusive. In 2015, we moved to another town, and my youngest daughter went to college. Things got even worse. In January of 2016, she told me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where we never had sex ever again. Then she agreed to make an appointment with a gyno by Feb 7. I printed out a list of all the gynos on our health plan. By that date, she had NOT made an appointment at all. That was the last straw. I felt like she was DARING me to do something about it. The next week, I found an apartment. I took off work on 2/29, and moved my stuff out. I left her a note that said I would no longer live this way. I did not file for divorce immediately, but I have now. I am hoping it will be final soon. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 15:25:31 GMT -5
I'm only eight weeks out and happy but I find the realisation of all the wasted years, all the wasted life the most difficult thing to deal with. I'm hoping it gets better soon. Were things awful while you were married or reasonably comfortable and sexless? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 15:36:21 GMT -5
My relationship was safe and stable. Over time, it became empty and an energy drain. Safe and stable was not enough for me. Ironically, when I got fed up and decided to divorce, my husband revealed he was having an affair and, at age 62 after 3: years of marriage, was supporting a toddler he thought he'd fathered. What you think is safe and stable may not be at all. Everything changes. Well that's quite the plot twist. Being new here, I don't have everyone's backstories straight but you also made significant changes to your approach and outlook on life. Did you start those changes before the d decision or after? I'm trying to make those changes pre-decision. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 15:47:42 GMT -5
I started those changes abot 6 years before deciding to divorce. The instigating factor was landing in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack, but actually was severe depression. I redoubled my efforts in therapy, accepted antidepressants and began exploring and finding activities that made me happy.
This led to developing new interests and new friends with much in common with me. It also resulted in my discovering talents I never knew I had.
I became the kind of person whom I'd always admired but never thought I could be.
My husband became superfluous. One day, I woke up and realized I didn't want to be married any more. It ended up that neither did he. The divorce was fair and angst free.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 17, 2017 16:09:37 GMT -5
My story (summarized elsewhere) is fairly simple. Not a horribly dysfunctional marriage, two people that mostly deal with each other honestly, no passion/intimacy or sex. I originally came here thinking I had crossed over into "definitely staying" which has lately just felt like the safe choice. We have "sex" (often MM in the last year) every 6-8 weeks and that's not the worst, at least it hasn't been years. But the general sexlessness won't change and I get that. So now that I get that...what now? So my questions are for those who have left. When did you know you needed a plan to end the marriage? How did you deal with fear of the unknown? I feel a bit like i'm at sea in a boat that's not sinking but won't get me to shore either. Do I dive in and swim for the shore or stay in the boat. For me, my last straw will not make any sense. It was a Facebook post on our 19th anniversary in which my ex said that she loved me. You're probably like WTF? But keep in mind that she had not told me she loved me unprompted in 12 years at that point. To have her put up this rosy public face? That was the straw. However, almost by definition, a straw that breaks the camel's back is almost trivial. In addition to the lack of affection, it was the realization I had been bait and switched over a 21 year period (including the bait part of the courtship). It was the realization that nothing was going to change because things were exactly as she wanted them. It was the complete inability of picturing us growing old together. It was the realization that we literally had nothing in common but the kids, an address, and our families. It was the knowledge I was actually running out the clock on my life, not living it. It was the fact that my marriage had led me into some really damn nasty coping mechanisms. How did I know I needed an exit plan? Well, I knew I needed to deal with my own issues first (poor coping mechanisms, really). That whole process took about a full year after I decided to divorce before uttering those words to my ex. I knew that announcing I want a divorce was a bell that could not be un-rung, and I needed to be ready. Now, during that year, I had to quit drinking, lose 50 pounds, get in shape, get my finances in order, spend as much time as humanly possible with my kids and be the dad my depression prevented me from being. Again, that all took time. How did I deal with the unknown? When I realized that death was the only way out of this mess (not in a suicidal way, but in a "here's what I have to look forward to"), just about any alternative looked better. At that point, friend, the unknown becomes a feature, not a bug. I've been out a little over a month at this point. Mentally, I've been moving towards being on my own for a year and a half now. I've stopped living the goddamn script society says I should. I'm not abandoning my responsibilities, but I am also not staying in a failed marriage because of what others may think. Right now, the script says that as a newly divorced guy, I should be off swiping my finger across Tinder looking to get some easy pussy. Instead, I'm dating an amazing woman who lives halfway across the country. If you can make the mental shift from what society expects you to do to what you want to (responsibly) do, it is amazing how much better life looks and what new possibilities appear. It may be that you will be happier staying in your marriage than leaving it. Only you can decide that. But make it your choice, not just following the "easy" path. Because if you follow the easy path, you are still making a choice by default. Good luck to you, brother. |
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