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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 14, 2017 0:07:07 GMT -5
I have found that I am frequently the person people turn to when they have problems they need help with. And the role suits me well, I am a pretty good listener and people seem to find me easy to talk to. I am at my best in someone else's crisis. I can't manage my own sutuations but I seem to know what others should do with theirs. Maybe you are the same? People turn to you when they need you then disappear when everything is good again? Just a thought.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 0:12:39 GMT -5
I caught "needy" & "people pleasing" from your own descriptions & I completely discount any of the remarks from the 2 males. You may well "try too hard" -- I tended toward this myself. Since being out of my SM, my self esteem & confidence that who I am is enough have both increased. I have a newfound faith that the right people will be attracted for friends. The right ones will last. Right now, only friendships have resulted from all my trying on (i.e. no romance has blossomed), but if those don't last, that's really ok. I keep meeting more new people all the time. My parents moved to an old folks' home in their 80's. They have a whole new wave of new friends there. We are never too old for new friends. But we are always too old to worry about "everyone" liking us. Don't worry over it. I don't think it's YOU. I agree with the posts saying much of this could be the secondary tarbrush effect. Thank you. I know you didn't ask, but I was abused by my dad, so "people pleaser" makes sense. He died unexpectedly 2 years ago and we never had a final conversation, so "needy" fits too. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 0:14:51 GMT -5
I have found that I am frequently the person people turn to when they have problems they need help with. And the role suits me well, I am a pretty good listener and people seem to find me easy to talk to. I am at my best in someone else's crisis. I can't manage my own sutuations but I seem to know what others should do with theirs. Maybe you are the same? People turn to you when they need you then disappear when everything is good again? Just a thought. A little bit. People seem to confide in me (sometimes). Other times, it's the other way around. Either way, I know some stuff about some people. But they do tend to move on. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 0:16:10 GMT -5
I think maybe you're getting sick of yourself and being a little too hard on yourself in the process. A lot of times, the anxieties we have about others, are our own shortcomings or internal thoughts. Like others have said - I wouldn't necessarily put too much stock in (what seems like a loser first husband) thinks, much less your current husband. I get it though - I often have this thought as I like to talk, debate and discuss (ad naseum) and I KNOW I wear my husband out. I am not everyone's cup of tea, for sure, typically though - those people aren't mine either. On the friend front - I have a couple of very close "sisters" - we may not even live close at all, but I know I can call them and we pick up where we left off. One of these does live close, has a negative outlook on life - so it's taxing to be a good friend to her, but I do it because she is in the first year post-divorce and also a "sister" - so my love for her is basically, unconditional. Then, I have a host of acquaintances. TBH - it's hard keeping up with everyone socially with kids, family obligations, etc. Could this just be the stage of life they/you are currently in? I wouldn't take any of it personally, is my point. You've maintained close relationships with a few friends - now have fun trying on different acquaintances. If it doesn't work out - think of it as the time last season when you decided to wear high-wasted pants. Fun while it lasted, but not something YOU would do again. On to the next trend! It might work out and you MIGHT find a classic to add to your close friendships! YES. Getting sick of myself. Don't you ever wish life was like a video game and you could just pop out the game and play another one? |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 14, 2017 6:22:11 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes - there are a couple of things I'd say to you: Indeed, life is not like a computer game, there is no reset button to start all over again. So - in my not so humble opinion the one and only solution to that is to make the most of it, and move it in the direction I want it to go, live in the present and grab the most I can (which is not necessarily what my wishful thinking would have me get, but -- I have an influcence over what I want a what I can get and how to maximize satisfaction and contentedness). I wish it were different, being a gamer and having used the reset button many times on the computer, but Real Life (tm) is not like that. Or most of my last 20 years might have been very different. Also: I have this thing in my head: Facebook is facile, and Twitter is for Twits. Just -- don't think your 'friends' there, or 'followers' are real friends. Mostly they are onlookers, or gawkers. If you get one in a thousand to care and connect to you and actually take it to a level of real friendship, you're lucky. Hanging your self esteem on the other 999 is hazardous to your happiness and mental equilibrium. The best you can do is to take it to one-on-one dialogue and see if they actually follow through. If they never contact you in turn, you can count them out. I will give you an example: I have been on Experience Project and this site since 2009. I've actually met a couple of people from here. I have exchanged personal messages with ... let's see, maybe 6 or 7 over any length of time. When I said, maybe a year ago, that I was going to leave this site because I didn't feel that anyone really wanted to connect to me I got a few "no don't leave" messages .... but only ONE person has ever bothered to follow it up, and actually regularly communicates with me with both / each of us initiating (and that was later, and unrelated to my announcement). Maybe I'm just too difficult and 'out there', I don't know. I don't let it get to me, I CAN'T let it get to me, it could be devastating to hang my self esteem off of that! Instead I join local groups where I can meet people face to face and that is so much more reaffirming, even if we only talk about local politics or boardgames. Because I can feel their appreciation. Virtual contact is good if you have nothing better, but face to face is simply SO much more powerful. Lack of *real* support from social networks can tear your heartstrings, but, ultimately, I think that that is the nature of the game. It's just too vain, frivolous and superficial compared to real, physical, caring friends. Unless you can take it to involved and committed one-to-one dialogue with a person who really cares to communicate, the numbers of 'likes' you get are just fluff. my 2 cent's worth ....
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Post by WindSister on Aug 14, 2017 11:46:02 GMT -5
Just be yourself. Those who like and get you will stick around. Those who don't will ignore you. We all feel ignored, insignificant sometimes. Don't let that dull your shine and don't morph to please others. BE YOU!  Best thing in life to learn. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 12:48:51 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes - there are a couple of things I'd say to you: Indeed, life is not like a computer game, there is no reset button to start all over again. So - in my not so humble opinion the one and only solution to that is to make the most of it, and move it in the direction I want it to go, live in the present and grab the most I can (which is not necessarily what my wishful thinking would have me get, but -- I have an influcence over what I want a what I can get and how to maximize satisfaction and contentedness). I wish it were different, being a gamer and having used the reset button many times on the computer, but Real Life (tm) is not like that. Or most of my last 20 years might have been very different. Also: I have this thing in my head: Facebook is facile, and Twitter is for Twits. Just -- don't think your 'friends' there, or 'followers' are real friends. Mostly they are onlookers, or gawkers. If you get one in a thousand to care and connect to you and actually take it to a level of real friendship, you're lucky. Hanging your self esteem on the other 999 is hazardous to your happiness and mental equilibrium. The best you can do is to take it to one-on-one dialogue and see if they actually follow through. If they never contact you in turn, you can count them out. I will give you an example: I have been on Experience Project and this site since 2009. I've actually met a couple of people from here. I have exchanged personal messages with ... let's see, maybe 6 or 7 over any length of time. When I said, maybe a year ago, that I was going to leave this site because I didn't feel that anyone really wanted to connect to me I got a few "no don't leave" messages .... but only ONE person has ever bothered to follow it up, and actually regularly communicates with me with both / each of us initiating (and that was later, and unrelated to my announcement). Maybe I'm just too difficult and 'out there', I don't know. I don't let it get to me, I CAN'T let it get to me, it could be devastating to hang my self esteem off of that! Instead I join local groups where I can meet people face to face and that is so much more reaffirming, even if we only talk about local politics or boardgames. Because I can feel their appreciation. Virtual contact is good if you have nothing better, but face to face is simply SO much more powerful. Lack of *real* support from social networks can tear your heartstrings, but, ultimately, I think that that is the nature of the game. It's just too vain, frivolous and superficial compared to real, physical, caring friends. Unless you can take it to involved and committed one-to-one dialogue with a person who really cares to communicate, the numbers of 'likes' you get are just fluff. my 2 cent's worth .... Thank you for not judging me. I lack human contact in real life so I have to get it somewhere, I guess. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 12:49:11 GMT -5
Just be yourself. Those who like and get you will stick around. Those who don't will ignore you. We all feel ignored, insignificant sometimes. Don't let that dull your shine and don't morph to please others. BE YOU! Best thing in life to learn. Thank you so much. |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 14, 2017 17:29:56 GMT -5
"I lack human contact in real life ..."
Been in that boat for many years, nearly a couple of decades, as friends and neighbours upped stakes and moved away.
And I was living in a VERY remote area.
Only one thing to do: go out and get human contact. Join a sports club, join a book club, find the nearest branch
of 'www.meetup.com' and see what's going on there, go out with workmates, whatever.
I've been working on increasing my human contact for the last 5 years since my self elected retirement gave me the
opportunity of moving away myself (that is, outside the 'virtual world' of the internet),
and it's starting to bear fruit. It takes some time. Some of it will flop. And some of it will stick. It's just not
in the same ballpark as virtual. Virtual is a sticky plaster by comparison.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 15, 2017 6:36:47 GMT -5
When it comes to virtual/real world, my motto is to make sure my online self matches with my real world self and I aim for more real world experiences and friendships than online. That second part is hard for me, not the experiences part but the friendships part. But right now that's because 1. I live in a small town far from where I grew up and 2. I simply prefer my husband to anyone else.
That second point sends lectures galore my way from people. I can't hear the lectures because we (and I) are happy this way.
But, I make a hard conscious effort to keep other friendships alive, too, in real life.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2017 6:53:46 GMT -5
"I lack human contact in real life so I have to get it somewhere, I guess."
You will have an easier time making in real life friends if you go places without your husband. His behavior at the amusement park probably caused people to avoid you due to their not wanting to be stuck with him, too. There are nice people i know who. I barely see because they insist on fragging their unpleasant spouse along or if invited to a girls only activity they decline saying they need to cook for their leech or not leave him home alone.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 21:48:28 GMT -5
Well, I got a text from my friend tonight reminding me about an event at another friend's house tomorrow… I don't remember the date being confirmed, but I completely forgot anyhow. His follow-up text to me in formed me that it was important that I show up tomorrow, because another person in the group has been very sad lately, with having bought a brand new house and with her daughter starting school .
I've had my head so far up my ass the past few weeks, I just have been flaking on things left and right… Awesome. 😞
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 15, 2017 22:03:30 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I'd say you've got your own issues to cope with, so no surprise it's overwhelming you. You might reconsider how much capacity you really have to help others right now, when others are around to fill those shoes. Instead, you should perhaps think about how your friends can lend you a morale boost...
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 22:16:40 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I'd say you've got your own issues to cope with, so no surprise it's overwhelming you. You might reconsider how much capacity you really have to help others right now, when others are around to fill those shoes. Instead, you should perhaps think about how your friends can lend you a morale boost... All I can say is I felt like shit when I read the text. One of husband's complaints is that I'm "extremely self absorbed". I just take and take and take. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 15, 2017 22:26:56 GMT -5
All I can say is I felt like shit when I read the text. One of husband's complaints is that I'm "extremely self absorbed". I just take and take and take. It sounds like he's got it completely backwards. You've had unbelievable tolerance with him. |
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Best thing in life to learn. 
