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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 12, 2017 16:23:55 GMT -5
I seem to have this problem, and I would love it if I knew why.
My ex tired of me after we'd been together about 6 years. He started staying out super late at night, drinking, smoking pot, and withholding sex.
My current husband I guess decided he was kind of done with me once I got pregnant - though we started having issues at about 3 years into our relationship (I didn't respond as strongly to a world event as he would have liked).
My friends do this too. They are all about hanging out and whatnot, then, after a few years, it's like they have no use for me anymore (the exceptions being my few closest friends).
Any ideas? I don't ignore people. I respond quickly to texts, etc (maybe that's the problem?), and I will drop anything to be there for someone.
Maybe I come on too strong? Or they decide I'm too quirky?
One of the things my husband is always telling me is that I come across as "cold" and somewhat "calculating". Also self-absorbed.
Just wondering if anyone knows what I'm talking a lot or can shed a light.
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Post by lwoetin on Aug 12, 2017 16:42:53 GMT -5
It's probably just your imagination. But if friends by chance do get sick of you (which I doubt), then just look for and meet new friends. There's a lot of people around. In this forum, so many new members keep popping up. It's getting harder remembering each member's stories nowadays.
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Post by baza on Aug 12, 2017 18:48:55 GMT -5
Given your spouses less than stellar performance as a human being, I dunno that you ought take a whole lot of notice of his opinion about you being cold and calculating.
But FWIW, I think the fluidity in friendships you describe is actually pretty normal.
Some people come into your orbit and go just as quickly.
Some people stay in your orbit for a while.
Others stay in your orbit quite a while, and then gradually drop off.
A few people - very few (those that you describe above as "my few closest friends") - are there for the long haul.
I don't see anything unusual about it.
It would describe my circle of friends quite accurately too - and I suspect - lots of other peoples as well.
There may be another factor in play here.
That being that a lot of people may think your spouse is a complete jerk, and not want to be anywhere near him. Consequently, as they avoid him, you also get avoided as a secondary effect.
For example, do you figure that anyone who witnessed his performance at the amusement park (your previous story) would be breaking their necks to ever see him again, if they could avoid it ?
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 12, 2017 19:46:43 GMT -5
I agree with baza about the secondary effect. To use the old idiom you are "being tarred with the same brush". |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 12, 2017 21:27:11 GMT -5
Referring to the tar brush: there is the configuration of overlapping circles vs. concentric circles ... both as a relationship model and as a social network. One is less healthy.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 11:34:59 GMT -5
Given your spouses less than stellar performance as a human being, I dunno that you ought take a whole lot of notice of his opinion about you being cold and calculating. But FWIW, I think the fluidity in friendships you describe is actually pretty normal. Some people come into your orbit and go just as quickly. Some people stay in your orbit for a while. Others stay in your orbit quite a while, and then gradually drop off. A few people - very few (those that you describe above as "my few closest friends") - are there for the long haul. I don't see anything unusual about it. It would describe my circle of friends quite accurately too - and I suspect - lots of other peoples as well. There may be another factor in play here. That being that a lot of people may think your spouse is a complete jerk, and not want to be anywhere near him. Consequently, as they avoid him, you also get avoided as a secondary effect. For example, do you figure that anyone who witnessed his performance at the amusement park (your previous story) would be breaking their necks to ever see him again, if they could avoid it ? I've often wondered that too; it seemed to happen to my mom with my dad. And I apologize for this post. I slipped into depression again last week and my thoughts kinda took over. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 13, 2017 14:57:58 GMT -5
No need to apologise, we have all been there.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 15:28:04 GMT -5
I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
Today, it was about my (special needs and at his 6th school) kid starting high school. Not even a like or a "that's greatl" from one of the relatives. A friend caught a fish and he is clearly way cooler than me, lol,
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 13, 2017 15:34:47 GMT -5
I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Today, it was about my (special needs and at his 6th school) kid starting high school. Not even a like or a "that's greatl" from one of the relatives. A friend caught a fish and he is clearly way cooler than me, lol, Read some of this about "social media accounts" maybe it will make you feel better. shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/social-media-platforms-narcissists-borderlines-and-histrionics-the-lure-of-blogs-facebook-and-myspace/ |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 16:35:31 GMT -5
I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Today, it was about my (special needs and at his 6th school) kid starting high school. Not even a like or a "that's greatl" from one of the relatives. A friend caught a fish and he is clearly way cooler than me, lol, Read some of this about "social media accounts" maybe it will make you feel better. shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/social-media-platforms-narcissists-borderlines-and-histrionics-the-lure-of-blogs-facebook-and-myspace/Egads, that's insane! No, I mean like I think it's a little too transparent that I'm depressed if you see my stuff that's "out there". I need to reign myself in. Clearly. I did talk to another BB coach who suggested a separate profile for my business and I think that's worth a try. Thank you! |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2017 16:41:04 GMT -5
"I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. "
I don't think it's a good idea to measure one's worth by FB responses. First, even with 1200 followers, due to FB's algorithims, lots of your followers don't see your posts. I have not seen some very important posts by people whom I follow and who are some of my closest friends. Only reason I knew about the posts is that my partner also is FB friends with them and told me.
Also, people are busy and you are presumably posting as a coach, not a best friend. If so, they may read your post, use or not use your information, and not respond because they figure you're putting out info for general info as part of your job, not to establish a bond with them as a friend would. They may find the info very helpful, but not feel socially obliged to respond.
I am one of the FB administrators for the nonprofit that I work for. Members of our association have indicated in person that they find the posts useful, but most get zero response. I think that's because the members don't feel a like or other comment is necessary since it's a business, not a personal account.
If you are on social media mainly for business purposes, it probably would be a bad idea to shut down those accounts. They probably are increasing your branding and customers and helping your clients more than you can tell from the responses.
As for no response to posts about your kids starting school: Good chance your relatives didn't even see the post. Also, do you comment/like on their posts? I've found that the people who respond the most to me are the ones whom I respond to .
Still, FB is not a measure of friendship or how much people care. My partner is really good about reading my posts and commenting. I typically forget to look at his FB. I love him, but tend to communicate more in person with him than via fb. I tend to notice posts of people whom I don't get to see often.
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Post by JMX on Aug 13, 2017 17:17:33 GMT -5
I think maybe you're getting sick of yourself and being a little too hard on yourself in the process. A lot of times, the anxieties we have about others, are our own shortcomings or internal thoughts.
Like others have said - I wouldn't necessarily put too much stock in (what seems like a loser first husband) thinks, much less your current husband. I get it though - I often have this thought as I like to talk, debate and discuss (ad naseum) and I KNOW I wear my husband out. I am not everyone's cup of tea, for sure, typically though - those people aren't mine either.
On the friend front - I have a couple of very close "sisters" - we may not even live close at all, but I know I can call them and we pick up where we left off. One of these does live close, has a negative outlook on life - so it's taxing to be a good friend to her, but I do it because she is in the first year post-divorce and also a "sister" - so my love for her is basically, unconditional. Then, I have a host of acquaintances. TBH - it's hard keeping up with everyone socially with kids, family obligations, etc. Could this just be the stage of life they/you are currently in?
I wouldn't take any of it personally, is my point. You've maintained close relationships with a few friends - now have fun trying on different acquaintances. If it doesn't work out - think of it as the time last season when you decided to wear high-wasted pants. Fun while it lasted, but not something YOU would do again. On to the next trend! It might work out and you MIGHT find a classic to add to your close friendships!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 17:42:59 GMT -5
"I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. " I don't think it's a good idea to measure one's worth by FB responses. First, even with 1200 followers, due to FB's algorithims, lots of your followers don't see your posts. I have not seen some very important posts by people whom I follow and who are some of my closest friends. Only reason I knew about the posts is that my partner also is FB friends with them and told me. Also, people are busy and you are presumably posting as a coach, not a best friend. If so, they may read your post, use or not use your information, and not respond because they figure you're putting out info for general info as part of your job, not to establish a bond with them as a friend would. They may find the info very helpful, but not feel socially obliged to respond. I am one of the FB administrators for the nonprofit that I work for. Members of our association have indicated in person that they find the posts useful, but most get zero response. I think that's because the members don't feel a like or other comment is necessary since it's a business, not a personal account. If you are on social media mainly for business purposes, it probably would be a bad idea to shut down those accounts. They probably are increasing your branding and customers and helping your clients more than you can tell from the responses. As for no response to posts about your kids starting school: Good chance your relatives didn't even see the post. Also, do you comment/like on their posts? I've found that the people who respond the most to me are the ones whom I respond to . Still, FB is not a measure of friendship or how much people care. My partner is really good about reading my posts and commenting. I typically forget to look at his FB. I love him, but tend to communicate more in person with him than via fb. I tend to notice posts of people whom I don't get to see often. I post mostly as a friend (why the business is fledgling) and I comment/like stuff every day. I have a nagging feeling that I try too hard, in general, to connect with people and it's a turnoff. I created a new page, just for the business. Then connected to my main account, ehh but now has 666 friends. 😂😈 |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 17:45:13 GMT -5
I think maybe you're getting sick of yourself and being a little too hard on yourself in the process. A lot of times, the anxieties we have about others, are our own shortcomings or internal thoughts. Like others have said - I wouldn't necessarily put too much stock in (what seems like a loser first husband) thinks, much less your current husband. I get it though - I often have this thought as I like to talk, debate and discuss (ad naseum) and I KNOW I wear my husband out. I am not everyone's cup of tea, for sure, typically though - those people aren't mine either. On the friend front - I have a couple of very close "sisters" - we may not even live close at all, but I know I can call them and we pick up where we left off. One of these does live close, has a negative outlook on life - so it's taxing to be a good friend to her, but I do it because she is in the first year post-divorce and also a "sister" - so my love for her is basically, unconditional. Then, I have a host of acquaintances. TBH - it's hard keeping up with everyone socially with kids, family obligations, etc. Could this just be the stage of life they/you are currently in? I wouldn't take any of it personally, is my point. You've maintained close relationships with a few friends - now have fun trying on different acquaintances. If it doesn't work out - think of it as the time last season when you decided to wear high-wasted pants. Fun while it lasted, but not something YOU would do again. On to the next trend! It might work out and you MIGHT find a classic to add to your close friendships! I like your thinking... hmm. Time to go try some new people...? |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 13, 2017 23:19:44 GMT -5
I caught "needy" & "people pleasing" from your own descriptions & I completely discount any of the remarks from the 2 males. You may well "try too hard" -- I tended toward this myself. Since being out of my SM, my self esteem & confidence that who I am is enough have both increased. I have a newfound faith that the right people will be attracted for friends. The right ones will last. Right now, only friendships have resulted from all my trying on (i.e. no romance has blossomed), but if those don't last, that's really ok. I keep meeting more new people all the time.
My parents moved to an old folks' home in their 80's. They have a whole new wave of new friends there. We are never too old for new friends. But we are always too old to worry about "everyone" liking us. Don't worry over it.
I don't think it's YOU. I agree with the posts saying much of this could be the secondary tarbrush effect.
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