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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 2, 2017 0:04:49 GMT -5
I am writing this here because I know the wonderful people of this forum will encourage me and keep me accountable...
The time is coming. I am preparing to have another big talk with my husband. I'm scared and sad and conflicted.
A good friend mentioned that my actions and words reflect that I may be sliding into depression. This is extremely concerning to me, I know I am a powerless shell when I am low. So, it is time. I have to talk to him now and make myself as clear and exposed as I can to show him how serious this is for me. I plan to tell him that:
things are not going as well as I make him feel they are
I am still hurt
HIs recent actions made me feel used and unimportant
That at times I don't want to put the effort into him.
My end goal is to have him go to counseling and/or see the doctor. If he is not enthusiastic about working with me to fix this, I will see it as my cue to start looking at my real options. The usual iliasm prep.
As much as our sex life has increased nearly ten fold, I do not feel good, better, but not good. We have been talking about sex and sexual things one to four times a week. These talks are all discussion, no fighting, but some of the things that have been said make me feel doomed. That is not a feeling I want laying next to the person who houkd be my life partner. I do and do not want to go. My career, my daughter, my family (in so many ways tbh) I am feeling quite selfish but I know I need to say it all now. Hell, I am turning 27 in two weeks, I shouldn't be begging my spouse to eat me just once...
Okay, end of (long and emotional and extremely raw) rant ...be gentle on me
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2017 0:43:34 GMT -5
Unfortunately, these pivotal events invariably seem to crop up just when we are at a low ebb. And these events really require us to be at our optimum, and so rarely is this the case. Feeling for you Sister mrslowmaintenance . All I've got for you is the usual - don't say anything that you do not mean, don't make any threats you aren't prepared to back up with action. In short, don't shred your cred. |
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Post by h on Aug 2, 2017 5:22:30 GMT -5
I feel for you. I know my time is coming soon. My W has a doctor's appointment this month with her gyno to find out about the reason why sex is still so painful. I plan to have another talk after that regardless of what the doctor says. If the reason is fixable then she needs to take it seriously and do something. If not, she needs to get over her aversion to oral and give it regularly instead. Otherwise, we will never be able to make it work. She knows I'm willing to end it amicably after our last conversation. She doesn't want to lose me but I don't have it in me to live the rest of my life without my sexual needs being met. I just can't do it. I love her and care about her. I would still be her friend if we split peacefully. I am just not made for a sexless life.
I wish you the best in your upcoming talk. Take strength from all you read here. This place has been my only source of confidence. Be unwavering in your demands and forceful in relaying your feelings to him. You deserve to feel loved in the way that you need.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 2, 2017 5:50:14 GMT -5
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, mrslowmaintenance. It's not easy to move the ball forward. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2017 6:07:23 GMT -5
I very much suggest that if you're not in counseling, that you go into individual counseling. That will help you take a clear headed look at your situation and your options. You probably are not "sliding into depression." You most likely are depressed due to being in a marriage that does not give you the emotional and physical connection that you justly desire and deserve. Regardless of whether your husband gets counseling, get counseling for yourself.
My own belief is that if one has to beg, plead, cry, talk etc. to get a spouse to express the kind of love that makes you happy, that spouse is not capable of loving you the way you experience love. Talking won't change the situation. He is whom he is. You are whom you are. You might have many things in common, but sexual and romantic compatibility isn't something that you share. You can't change him into being the kind of husband you want. His forcing himself to do something that repels him isn't going to be the kind of love that makes you happy. Meanwhile, if you were free, there probably are plenty of men who'd eagerly be the kind of partners and lovers that you long for.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 2, 2017 7:16:04 GMT -5
*hugs*
You deserve to be happy. Being happy is not selfish.
I understand the struggles with not wanting to cause the child instability. My 6 year old has issues that we are taking him Drs to work on figuring out. If I leave, it will make things worse for him and I know he and his younger brother need to start together with the W.
While the W and I are going better, I am starting to realize how much damage was done over all the years. I still don't see being the old couple rocking on the porch together.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 7:30:15 GMT -5
Great advice already, so I'll just say good luck Mrs. L! You got this!
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Post by WindSister on Aug 2, 2017 8:10:14 GMT -5
Sending good thoughts and strength and all the right words to be formed in your head.... good luck to you.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 2, 2017 8:16:35 GMT -5
Good luck!
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Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2017 8:36:20 GMT -5
When giving your talk, I'd do one thing different from what you suggest.
You suggest letting him know all the things that are wrong then have an end game of getting him to counseling. I'd take a (modified) page from any speech writing handbook.
Tell them what you're going to tell them
Tell them
Tell them what you told them
In your case, you have a list of concerns. Then you ask for action. I would suggest you ask for action "We need to go to counseling". Then tell him your concerns. Then be sure to ask for action again. But on the second "ask", don't make it a request. I would actually schedule a counseling time and tell him you'd expect him to attend, but you are going regardless. I mean, this ain't the first time you've "asked".
That will give you a fairly good feel for whether he will EVER go to counseling. Perhaps there is a scheduling conflict. Resolve the conflict then and there. Then call the counselor, and reschedule.
The only word of warning I'd give comes from what I've seen others say about counseling. It is the ultimate "reset". You can go round and round for years, making "progress" with a counselor who has a vested interest in you continuing to come back week after week (this is one huge reason I didn't do counseling). In the end, though, a counselor cannot make your husband desire you more. Only your husband can do that. And in many cases? Not even he can do that (this is the other reason I didn't do counseling). But one thing is certain. Nothing will change if he will not make an effort. And going to a counselor to talk about it is about the lowest bar you can set (note: this was not a joke about your height).
However...it is a good start. I wish you luck.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 9:06:49 GMT -5
One of the things that makes this forum so helpful is that there is such a broad selection of situations. Some are early in their SM, some are long-sufferers who ended it, some are working it out, etc. so you can get a good vision of what lies ahead and at your young age a lot lies ahead. A good friend of mine did counseling both with his wife and without. The best counselor he ever got told him (while he was ranting about his spouse) that you don't do counseling to change others, you do it to know yourself.
With that in mind, don't do counseling unless you have a specific end goal that is both attainable for him and for you. Also from my own experience within a marriage of 28 years, don't expect any "ah-ha" moments from him. I wish you the best and hope it goes well. May you find what you desire.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2017 9:23:47 GMT -5
One of the things that makes this forum so helpful is that there is such a broad selection of situations. Some are early in their SM, some are long-sufferers who ended it, some are working it out, etc. so you can get a good vision of what lies ahead and at your young age a lot lies ahead. A good friend of mine did counseling both with his wife and without. The best counselor he ever got told him (while he was ranting about his spouse) that you don't do counseling to change others, you do it to know yourself. With that in mind, don't do counseling unless you have a specific end goal that is both attainable for him and for you. Also from my own experience within a marriage of 28 years, don't expect any "ah-ha" moments from him. I wish you the best and hope it goes well. May you find what you desire. 28 years! Damn, the average murderer only serves 7. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 2, 2017 9:40:51 GMT -5
*hugs* MLM.
You did get a lot of good advice.
The forum is here for you if you need it
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 2, 2017 10:07:51 GMT -5
I am writing this here because I know the wonderful people of this forum will encourage me and keep me accountable... The time is coming. I am preparing to have another big talk with my husband. I'm scared and sad and conflicted. A good friend mentioned that my actions and words reflect that I may be sliding into depression. This is extremely concerning to me, I know I am a powerless shell when I am low. So, it is time. I have to talk to him now and make myself as clear and exposed as I can to show him how serious this is for me. I plan to tell him that: things are not going as well as I make him feel they are I am still hurt HIs recent actions made me feel used and unimportant That at times I don't want to put the effort into him. My end goal is to have him go to counseling and/or see the doctor. If he is not enthusiastic about working with me to fix this, I will see it as my cue to start looking at my real options. The usual iliasm prep. As much as our sex life has increased nearly ten fold, I do not feel good, better, but not good. We have been talking about sex and sexual things one to four times a week. These talks are all discussion, no fighting, but some of the things that have been said make me feel doomed. That is not a feeling I want laying next to the person who houkd be my life partner. I do and do not want to go. My career, my daughter, my family (in so many ways tbh) I am feeling quite selfish but I know I need to say it all now. Hell, I am turning 27 in two weeks, I shouldn't be begging my spouse to eat me just once... Okay, end of (long and emotional and extremely raw) rant ...be gentle on me Wow...when I turned 27 I was still a virgin.... No one should be struggling at that point...certainly not in your young marriage... The weight of our situation always seems to bring us down, save your energy to charge up when you need to!!! |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 2, 2017 11:55:22 GMT -5
Wow!
I just woke up this morning to the best gift.
You guys are so wonderful, seriously, I am smiling and near crying by all the wonderful things you guys ahv said, encouraged and advised...
I am so glad I talked to you guys first, I needed this before I talk to him. I know if I cry he won't listen so I like to say the main hurtful points out loud to myself before I tell him (get that muscle memory and get the initial shock of what I shave just said out of the way) so... Yes. Okay. I can do this. Right? Yeah.. yeah I can do this.
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