Is it really just me?

The spouse whacking off watching porn is the core problem here.
And that ain't you Sister bridgetleigh .

Unfortunately though, in these circumstances - and although you ain't the problem - it is probably going to end up with you having to mandate the resolution to the situation.

You are NOT going to be able to cajole, beg, trick him, manipulate him, persuade him, convince him to desire you.

And although it is very difficult, try and not take it personally.
In all likelyhood this is just him being who and what he is rather than being a personal slight on you.
That is to say, that he prefers to whack off to porn rather than engage his spouse. If you weren't his spouse, but some other chick was, likely it would be this other chick writing the story in here rather than you.

It's not just you, sweetie. I suspect my H has a porn addiction as well. For many years, my H had no libido due to his drinking. Now that he's quit drinking, I suspect porn has ruined him for real sex. It's too much work for him.

Porn is a scourge on many marriages. It ruins men's expectations of what real women look like, act like, and what real women actually want in bed. It's totally unrealistic. And it provides a too-quick, no frills, fast food, silver bullet orgasm that totally bypasses the "work" of true intimacy.

Once I'm out, no future man of mine will use porn. It'll be a deal breaker. If I ever marry again, my husband will know I'm there for him whenever he needs me. No porn necessary, and if he chooses porn over me? That's a deal breaker. I won't refuse him and he won't refuse me.

I know this is hard line and some here will disagree. That's fine and I respect others' opinions and experiences. But after my experience, this is how I feel and I won't apologize for it. Sexlessness messes with you. I'm done being messed with. I'd rather live out the rest of my days alone than repeat the agonies and insults of my marriage again.

I'm going to break this down because truth be told, it could be a long one if I actually wrote it out.
- it is not you or your appearance. If he really loved you and cared for you it would not matter. Just as we can clearly see that the extra weight he has gained is not diminishing the amount of desire you have for him.
- a lot of us ladies (and even a few guys) have had this, you are not alone here.
- you need to take a few days to read and collect your thoughts. Formulating what you want to say, even saying it out loud to yourself, before you talk to him. The key to a talk is to not get emotional, once you start crying or yelling the conversation needs to stop because I imagine he will not be actually listening anymore.

The first year of my marriage we gained weight, I had started birth control for the first time ever and it destroyed me. I was working two jobs and going to college. He was unemployed and masterbating a minimum of once a day. We didn't have sex but three times our entire first year of marriage.

I thought it was me, I was ugly, not trying, bad at sex, etc... We were 18,we should never have had an issue with wanting each other. He was watching hours of porn every day.

I would come home to dog poop on the floor every single day and four grown ass people asking what's for dinner (and I shit you not, I would then make it) but I still wanted him. I would stay up until 3am knowing I had to leave for work at 5:30/6 in hopes of him finally joining me "after this next match"

At our one year anniversary I was done. I had no one left in my life, I gave up everything to be in that marriage and was treated like shit every single day. I told him I was out, he needed to change immediately or I was taking my dogs and my Jeep and I was gone.

He changed. He got a terrible job, but it was enough that I wasn't having to trade coffee for veggies anymore. We kicked some of our roommates out that I was supporting and we started having sex again. A little. I felt so much better that I honestly didn't see how bad it still was. If I could do it over again, and I still wanted to give him that chance, I would have found a way to afford a counselor. We went to a counselor a few years ago and it helped a lot but he wasn't willing to talk about sex... Things are not the best now but they have improved leaps and bounds.
I think a counselor may be in our near future again, to be determined.

He doesn't watch much anymore, hell I watch far more than him. I like porn, I wish he could be an open enough person to let me share things with him, arouse him with what I like and what I would like done/to do. It is still not an issue that is gone though.

Please get the help now, or if you are too hurt get help for yourself and see if you even want to give him chance. Good luck dear.

So much good advice here so far. bridgetleigh


i can tell you from my own experience. I fess up that at one time I had a "porn addiction" but my W at the time and I still had wonderful sex life. Fast forward a few years to another marriage and the "porn addiction" and outsourcing had pretty much replaced a passionless sexless marriage. I think we are both at fault for that one - no one made efforts - no one cared enough to try.

My prognosis - and I could be way off and totally wrong - very little facts:

- Your H is totally taking you for granted.

- He does not care how you feel - I do not care what he says - talk is blah blah cheap - Actions only count

- It sounds like a "moment of truth" has come and you must decide what to DO about it.

Of course make all the efforts you can. Tell him you are sick of his porn addiction and your needs - basic common sense needs are not being fulfilled.

Threatening to leave or divorce - talk like that can "shred your cred"if you are not serious to actually DO it.

Complaining or to put in his terms "nagging" - in my experience generally does not change anything.

In any event, you are not alone and all the good people here including me are rooting for you. 

Courage and Blessings !!!

I would tell him that he's not allowed to play with himself unless he gives you first chance! Jerking off should be his last resort if you aren't available, not his first choice. If he's not willing to do that much, he'll never change. If I know I've got a possibility of getting actual sex from my W, I avoid touching myself at all to save my energy for her.

There isn't a man alive who doesn't prefer, in an absolute sense, the feel of a vagina or a mouth to his own hand.

On the other hand (no pun intended) lots of men wank.

So the question arises as to why. For some (like me), it's to replace the vaginas and mouths which have been withdrawn. But for others, from whom they haven't been withdrawn, the logic stacks up against them: if they prefer the feel of mouths and vaginas, but don't take women up on it, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM AND NOT THE WOMAN.

So: there's nothing wrong with you. You're not undesirable. It's a fact.

Logic is true and although it can't absorb the blow completely, at least it cushions it.

Welcome bridgetleigh.
The porn is not the problem. He could just as well be obsessed with fishing, playing darts at the pub or rebuilding a vintage AlphaRomeo. The problem is he does not want to fuck you. Why that is only he can answer if he can be truthful with himself.
He is not loving you the way you need to be loved.
Did he ever love you the way you need loved? We humans have a terrible trait of romanticizing a bad situation in hope of a future improvement.

You mentioned the weight gain but as most here will tell you that is just a red herring. A few curves are no big deal.

You do need to have a serious discussion with him. No yelling, no threats, no accusations. Just you expressing how you feel about your marriage. If he will not listen or share his feelings then you have a decision to make, would your life be better like this or without him.