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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 31, 2017 8:21:33 GMT -5
If it's just started you may still have a shot at turning things around.
Just about everyone gains some weight following marriage. You aren't clubbing, you are eating regular meals and just burning fewer calories in general. You both gained some no one gets to point a finger.
If you have read much here you have probably seen the phrase "the talk". It has several connotations, but in this instance it should be a conversation between the two of you in which you clearly make known how unhappy you are with the state of the intimacy quotient in the marriage. You have to be definitive about what his actions(inactions) are doing to you and the marriage. If you are serious he has to know that if things do not change there are bad days ahead. If he values you and the marriage make it known in no uncertain terms that he is putting them at risk by neglecting you and turning to porn. Be proactive and part of the solution.
WARNING:...The talk may or may not work. It may work for a short period often called a "reset". But you have to start changing the direction things are headed or it's curtains for the 2 of you. If you think the porn might actually be an addiction then he will probably need counseling and you will have to be on board for that. It won't be a quick fix. Good luck...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 8:24:07 GMT -5
It's completely understandable for you to have "is it me?" on your mind but, as you're seeing on this forum, it just isn't. For many of us pornography might fill some small part of the massive void that's been left by our SM but it's difficult for me to understand it as a replacement. It's not even close. It's also not your, or his, weight. My wife and I have been various fitness levels at various times. For a long time I was in better shape and right now she's in better shape and I can tell you that it's not the issue between two loving, intimate people.
Time to call him out. Time for him to be an adult.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jul 31, 2017 8:37:01 GMT -5
You look like you are on your way home from filming a Robert Palmer video. This is a good thing.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 31, 2017 10:43:04 GMT -5
It's completely understandable for you to have "is it me?" on your mind but, as you're seeing on this forum, it just isn't. For many of us pornography might fill some small part of the massive void that's been left by our SM but it's difficult for me to understand it as a replacement. It's not even close. It's also not your, or his, weight. My wife and I have been various fitness levels at various times. For a long time I was in better shape and right now she's in better shape and I can tell you that it's not the issue between two loving, intimate people. Time to call him out. Time for him to be an adult. Often, it's not a replacement. It's a release. A very quick release to prevent the frustration from taking completely over. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 31, 2017 10:44:38 GMT -5
It's not just you, sweetie. I suspect my H has a porn addiction as well. For many years, my H had no libido due to his drinking. Now that he's quit drinking, I suspect porn has ruined him for real sex. It's too much work for him. Porn is a scourge on many marriages. It ruins men's expectations of what real women look like, act like, and what real women actually want in bed. It's totally unrealistic. And it provides a too-quick, no frills, fast food, silver bullet orgasm that totally bypasses the "work" of true intimacy. Once I'm out, no future man of mine will use porn. It'll be a deal breaker. If I ever marry again, my husband will know I'm there for him whenever he needs me. No porn necessary, and if he chooses porn over me? That's a deal breaker. I won't refuse him and he won't refuse me. I know this is hard line and some here will disagree. That's fine and I respect others' opinions and experiences. But after my experience, this is how I feel and I won't apologize for it. Sexlessness messes with you. I'm done being messed with. I'd rather live out the rest of my days alone than repeat the agonies and insults of my marriage again. God, I hope porn doesn't permanently "ruin" you for real sex. I have quite the vested interest in this particular question. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 11:20:10 GMT -5
shamwow, I'm 100% certain the damage is reversible with enough practice and willingness. Have fun reversing it! 😉
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Post by darktippedrose on Jul 31, 2017 17:43:01 GMT -5
I'm going to get myself in trouble here, so let me know if this is TMI... There is a male equivalent to the chastity belt called a "cock cage". It can be padlocked. That should stop him from masterbating, and will make him as horny as a teenage boy in short order. LOLS, I was just thinking the same thing. I knew this girl in college who got mad at her boyfriend because he wouldn't quit cheating. And then she got him a chastity belt and only she had the key. hehe. giggles for days ...... |
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Post by darktippedrose on Jul 31, 2017 17:49:00 GMT -5
Also, I should add that I still watch porn and masterbate to it. Usually for a couple of quickies right before a shower. But its NOTHING good, real sex.
I don't get that tingly sensation in my belly from being close, I don't get feverish, I don't achy or any of the other random feelings that sound more like a sickness when you write them on paper, but feel incredibly good.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 18:13:45 GMT -5
Also, I should add that I still watch porn and masterbate to it. Usually for a couple of quickies right before a shower. But its NOTHING good, real sex. I don't get that tingly sensation in my belly from being close, I don't get feverish, I don't achy or any of the other random feelings that sound more like a sickness when you write them on paper, but feel incredibly good. you put it so well. YES, it is a tingly sensation and it is feverish. Sigh! i have almost forgotten how all of that feels |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 18:14:33 GMT -5
I am so sorry you find yourself here.
Love and prayers your way..
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 31, 2017 18:29:35 GMT -5
You are lucky you found this place so early in your marriage.
When I was married 4 years this place didn't exist.
I reccomend you call your husband out, tell him specifically what you need and want and how often and if he can't do that then tell him you don't need him in your life.
We are married to people because yes we love them but because the make our lives better and happier and if he isn't making your life happier then get rid of him.
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Post by baza on Jul 31, 2017 21:42:49 GMT -5
*If* you are going to go down the "huge wake up call" / "ultimatum" route (which is probably very sound advice from the membership) then it is imperative that you are prepared to take the appropriate action should the wake up call not wake him up.
These situations are NOT scenarios where bluffing / bullshit have any place.
What you say you must mean.
If you go off half cocked in these scenarios, all you do is shred your cred, and that tends to put you backwards by quite a distance.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 1, 2017 9:31:21 GMT -5
It's completely understandable for you to have "is it me?" on your mind but, as you're seeing on this forum, it just isn't. For many of us pornography might fill some small part of the massive void that's been left by our SM but it's difficult for me to understand it as a replacement. It's not even close. It's also not your, or his, weight. My wife and I have been various fitness levels at various times. For a long time I was in better shape and right now she's in better shape and I can tell you that it's not the issue between two loving, intimate people. Time to call him out. Time for him to be an adult. Often, it's not a replacement. It's a release. A very quick release to prevent the frustration from taking completely over. I also used porn to help with the release, often multiple times in the same day to kill my desire for the night. That way I wouldn't attempt to initiate sex with the W, and wouldn't get the rejection. I used it as a way to prevent the pain. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 1, 2017 9:53:07 GMT -5
Often, it's not a replacement. It's a release. A very quick release to prevent the frustration from taking completely over. I also used porn to help with the release, often multiple times in the same day to kill my desire for the night. That way I wouldn't attempt to initiate sex with the W, and wouldn't get the rejection. I used it as a way to prevent the pain. That and the demon Jagermiester typically did the trick for me too. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 1, 2017 9:58:24 GMT -5
I also used porn to help with the release, often multiple times in the same day to kill my desire for the night. That way I wouldn't attempt to initiate sex with the W, and wouldn't get the rejection. I used it as a way to prevent the pain. That and the demon Jagermiester typically did the trick for me too. Alcohol doesn't kill my desire or my ability. I have drank my self to the point that I blacked or passed out shortly after putting a condom on. When we woke up the following morning the condom was no where to be found, we presume it was flushed. |
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