Yes Possible from "SM" into a Normal Sexual /Intimate Couple

What I have come to observe in my few weeks here is that there is a plethora of variations when considering the issue of sexlesssness in relationships.

Adding a layer of complexity is determining whether the sexlessness is a symptom or a cause of dysfunction in the relationship.

Do the why's of sexlessness matter? In my opinion its helpful to understand the why's when deciding on a path to resolution.

There may be situations where the reasons behind the sexlessness might be correctable. For instance, if there is a hormonal imbalance, addressing the imbalance might restore libido.

The other thing that seems to be common is that there is a certain point where even they why's wont matter. The relationship reaches that escape velocity where one accepts that the sexlessness will not change and a decision must be made, not to remedy or mend the relationship, but how to live one's life from that point forward.

The reasons one can end up in a SM are endless and, certainly in my case, there can be a chicken and the egg problem. I think each individual's puzzle can be simple to solve (as in the type of relationship problems so often written about) where one piece is put back in place and whala! More often though, the problems in a relationship are all interwoven and cannot be disconnected. Has my wife always been somewhat sex averse? Yes. But, have I always been the initiator and could that have affected how she views our sex life? Also possible. After 28 years of relative sexlessness and the accompanying issues i'm not sure we could unravel it all if we tried.

However, especially earlier in the relationship you have to try and McRoomMate's information is one of the things to try.

As TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo says, the why's don't really matter. Chasing reasons is just a game of whack a mole. The bottom line is does each person in the marriage put out or not. Everything else is just noise.

Yes there comes a point where chasing reasons is futile, that is diminishing returns and all that.

The idea that I think is worthy of further consideration, is the question of whether the refused believes they have reached the point in the relationship, that escape velocity or point of no return.  It would be helpful if a set of tests could be developed to help one understand if the relationship is salvageable or not. I suppose this is where a therapist would come in. But perhaps there might also be a checklist that one could use to gauge.  It might look something like this:

- Do I sleep in the same bed with this person? If not, will I sleep in the same bed with this person in the foreseeable future? What would trigger that change?
- Do I respect this person? Does this person respect me?
- Am I attracted to this person? Are they attracted to me?
- How do I feel when they walk in the room?
- How do I feel when I see this person naked?
- How do I feel if this person were to see me naked?
- How do I feel when this person touches me? Kisses me?
- How would I feel if I am still sexless in 1 year? 5 years? Is this something I can accept and live with?
- Do I still initiate sex? How do I feel about the rejection
- Does the refuser initiate sex? Under what conditions? Is this sex fulfilling?

This is not exhaustive, but it illustrates the thought process one might go through.

Knowing that the point of no return has been reached might make the transition to disconnecting and emotional separation more manageable as the reasons are understood and can be rationalized.

Oh good, simple solutions offered to complicated problems.

Hmmm...

...or doesn't see how something as trivial (to them) as sex could possibly cause all of this angst and therefore doesn't give a ff in hell.  I also don't want to downplay that sex and intimacy are connected to as well as discrete from one another.  I think most of us have a partner that isn't sexual and who also isn't intimate either physically or emotionally.  There are days (it's been many years) I would appreciate just one conversation that isn't about the logistical details of life.  

My eulogy:  "Well, the deceased and his wife certainly managed the shit out of the unimportant details of life."