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Post by unmatched on Jul 28, 2017 21:24:43 GMT -5
She said she was attracted to me sexually, just didn't actually feel sexual very often. So in her mind there wasn't really a problem between us, it was purely a libido issue. I think a more full picture is that she has a lot of body issues and struggles to be emotionally vulnerable, and so she was never really very open during sex. Which means she was happy to have a quick orgasm, but it never meant that much to her, and any of six million different things could be going on in her life and would be enough for her not feel like it. And if she didn't feel like it then any come on from me would be interpreted as 'pressure' and would turn her off even more. So yes, I think you are right that she was refusing herself, but more like she was so cut off from herself she didn't actually let herself feel it.
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Post by h on Jul 30, 2017 7:05:32 GMT -5
She said she was attracted to me sexually, just didn't actually feel sexual very often. So in her mind there wasn't really a problem between us, it was purely a libido issue. I think a more full picture is that she has a lot of body issues and struggles to be emotionally vulnerable, and so she was never really very open during sex. Which means she was happy to have a quick orgasm, but it never meant that much to her, and any of six million different things could be going on in her life and would be enough for her not feel like it. And if she didn't feel like it then any come on from me would be interpreted as 'pressure' and would turn her off even more. So yes, I think you are right that she was refusing herself, but more like she was so cut off from herself she didn't actually let herself feel it. Sounds vaguely similar to what I hear from my W. She claims to be attracted to me but doesn't act on it. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 30, 2017 12:32:52 GMT -5
She said she was attracted to me sexually, just didn't actually feel sexual very often. So in her mind there wasn't really a problem between us, it was purely a libido issue. I think a more full picture is that she has a lot of body issues and struggles to be emotionally vulnerable, and so she was never really very open during sex. Which means she was happy to have a quick orgasm, but it never meant that much to her, and any of six million different things could be going on in her life and would be enough for her not feel like it. And if she didn't feel like it then any come on from me would be interpreted as 'pressure' and would turn her off even more. So yes, I think you are right that she was refusing herself, but more like she was so cut off from herself she didn't actually let herself feel it. Sounds vaguely similar to what I hear from my W. She claims to be attracted to me but doesn't act on it. Mrs Apocrypha also used to say the same thing. Once entering the affair, the open relationship and then post marriage - she was able to see that sex itself wasn't really a problem with her. While in the marriage and committed to a notion of monogamy (though actually celibate), she was unable to conceive of wanting sex with me, so she thought it just a libido issue. I'd say that largely, as with unmatched, it was a refusal to be open and vulnerable with me, enough to let go. The "Are you sexually attracted to me?" question still has wiggle room for weasel word answers in the response - enough for a bit of self bs. I've seen this enough in myself, and on this board and certainly on my fb. Example: I can see that some women are "attractive" and even "sexy" - but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. I have a friend who is enormously obese, for example, but fun, very flirty, vampy -sexual (actually has a sexually themed instagram with many fans), and who is very fashionable. If I was to be asked if she is a sexy lady, I'd probably say "yes", truthfully; however, I have no wish to have sex with her, and I have politely declined her offers. I'd imagine for people who are fussy about food, it's possible for them to look at a beautifully plated dish and think WOW, but also to not find it appetizing personally, in a way that makes them hungry. There is a powerful incentive in sparing a partner or loved one from the pain of saying out loud that you do not desire them. Questions about "finding them sexy" are just removed enough to allow wiggle room to find a positive answer that is truthful enough to pass. Easier to cop to being a cold fish than to tell a partner you don't want them in general. |
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