|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 22, 2017 9:57:34 GMT -5
I've had this recent " revelation". I was recently talking to another woman and I told her, " I want to be with a slender woman, because i too am a thin slender man". She said " I can understand that".
Well I couldn't. I haven't understood it. it confuses the day lights out of me. Does anyone else struggle with this? or the opposite?
Another part of my "revelation" concerning my body issues comes when I view porn. "I really don't like mentioning that or going there to often". I see these really buff, men. Years of body building, with this very rounded woman.. Then I go to the beach near our home. I don't see buff men. I see H.S. looking guys. Thin, slender. or the opposite. Normal and a bit overweight. Like most men in there 40's or 50's.
Then occasionally on porn, I will see a thin slender guy, looking like I do now, and how I looked in H.S. guy with an average woman.
The only thing about him that is larger than the woman is his feet and his shoulders.
Her upper legs are bigger,wider than his.
Her lower legs are wider than his.
her butt is far bigger than his.
Her hips are bigger than his.
Her upper arms are bigger than his.
Her lower arms are bigger than his.
Her belly is rounder than his.
Her neck and chin is bigger than his.
Their hands are the same size.
All of this was definitely the case with me and my spouse. It continues to be the case with many woman I know , meet, and see.
Is it a problem? Well...yes and no. Do i have any difficulty seeing a woman of larger proportions than me attractive? Not at all. believe me, the desire is strong!!
Does a woman of such size desire a man of my size?
Do I I have difficulty with seeing myself as being desired by a slender, thin smaller, petite woman. One who is physically fit? Yes.... that's a problem.
I think it goes all the way back to the H.S. mentality, that the cheerleader girl only wants the star of the football team.
I plan on continuing to tone my body well into my upper 50's and 60's. Tone happens. Not bulk.
Desire is going to be such a key factor for my self esteem and happiness in the years ahead. The day a slender woman shows desire for me, again, will rock my world!
Yet even saying that, I feel programmed that I have a wrong "barbie" mentality?
Being rejected for so many years by a large over weight very butch like woman has really screwed with my mentality.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 22, 2017 10:35:43 GMT -5
Self body image is a tricky thing.
For many years I was of the mindset "if my own husband doesn't want me who will?"
I'm overweight, a plus size woman but I can still touch my toes, support my body weight with my arms, and do a cardio workout knowing my limits.
So on that note I'm now of the mindset
"This is who I am take it or leave it".
There are a lot of men that aren't attracted to a woman my size but there are enough men that are.
My advice is to find confidence in who you are and what you have to offer.
I have been with and attracted to men bigger and smaller than me.
Honestly looks and chemistry are just the initial part of attraction but for the attraction to be sustained it comes down to how someone treats you and the cultivation of a connection.
|
|
|
|
Post by nancyb on Jul 22, 2017 10:51:47 GMT -5
I was terrible anxious about my body during my SM. Always felt that if I could just lose some weight perhaps my husband would fuck me. I thought it was me. I am a curvy girl and now that I have made my peace with that surprise of surprises there are men that LOVE a bigger body.  As for my self I am much more attracted to someone's personhood than I am to a body type. Good men and women come in all shapes and forms. Be confident and that's sexy enough. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 22, 2017 11:03:23 GMT -5
When I was young, I was average size. The guys I lusted after were skinny. One guy I had a crush on was more than 6' and weighed 140 pounds. I thought he was incredibly hot.
I am now in my 60s and out of my SM. I am 5'5, 152, exactly the highest weight considered healthy for my height. My guy is a bit overweight. I love him as he is, and I think he's very sexy. However, the guys I think are the best built are the skinny ones. Sam Sheppard comes to mind.
So, yes, I don't think your weight would prevent curvy women from being interested. I personally think it would be very uncomfortable for two skinny people to have sex. I'd think their angles and bony parts would knock together and hurt.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jul 22, 2017 12:15:39 GMT -5
When I was young, I was average size. The guys I lusted after were skinny. One guy I had a crush on was more than 6' and weighed 140 pounds. I thought he was incredibly hot. I am now in my 60s and out of my SM. I am 5'5, 152, exactly the highest weight considered healthy for my height. My guy is a bit overweight. I love him as he is, and I think he's very sexy. However, the guys I think are the best built are the skinny ones. Sam Sheppard comes to mind. So, yes, I don't think your weight would prevent curvy women from being interested. I personally think it would be very uncomfortable for two skinny people to have sex. I'd think their angles and bony parts would knock together and hurt. I was skinny in highschool and one of the girls I dated was skinny to, she did have an ass 😋😰, but one time I slammed into her and our hips hit together, it hurt like hell, and that was they clothes. After that, I only slammed into her ass. |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jul 22, 2017 12:37:15 GMT -5
Yet even saying that, I feel programmed that I have a wrong "barbie" mentality? Jeezus - this is what I hate about the authoritarian "body-positive" movement - so contemptuous of men and male desire. Scratch that, even lesbian women have a normal desire to be with women of healthy, fit, and proportionate weight. You can like what you like. There is nothing wrong with having a preference for fit, or even skinny women. Most men do. There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't anything wrong with most men. In any other circumstance, the people who are shaming you for your preference (including and especially yourself) would recoil at the notion of politics entering the bedroom. Who gives a shit who you want? Who is entitled to your attention? Who is owed your attention? Nobody. There's no need to characterize it as "Barbie" proportions, as if to imply that it is shamefully shallow or harmful, or all the negative associations that have been hitched to that totem in body positivity narratives. It's YOUR preference, and you are entitled to have it. Don't apologize for it. |
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 22, 2017 13:32:15 GMT -5
Body image and self esteem are difficult issues. I've always been on the more curvy/rounded side of the spectrum. Most of the time I am okay with how I look, but I do get self-conscious about my shape at times. The feelings get worse when I start comparing myself to others and then I feel less attractive than my perception of them
I lost weight in my marriage, thinking that would help. It didn't.
Honestly, there is someone out there who is going to love us and want/desire us just the way we are, inside and out; the trick is finding that person...Be you, be attracted to what is attractive to you, and all will work out in the end. Who cares what "they" say, whoever "they" are. We have to live our lives and be happy.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Jul 23, 2017 4:59:40 GMT -5
I would say that you have every right to be attracted to whatever body type you want. Nothing wrong with personal preference. I was very skinny but in good shape back in highschool. I grew up on a farm. After an injury and months of physical therapy though, I gained a lot of weight and was never able to take it back off. I'm overweight but still in decent shape. One of my jobs is very physically demanding and provides plenty of exercise but not enough to take off the pounds.
I think everyone is entitled to be attracted to who they want. For me, attraction is all about the face. I find women of various heights and weights attractive with the right facial features. A natural smile and gentle eyes are a big turn on (No resting bitch face). I have a hard time finding a woman attractive if she is obese (not talking about just overweight but so obese that she has difficulty getting up from a chair) because at that point, the obesity shows in her face and that's where my sense of desire is centered.
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Jul 23, 2017 8:31:16 GMT -5
Please. Everyone . Just. Stop.
If you are nice, kind, compassionate , loving, funny, passionate and sincere you have the right body type.
Everything else is just "stuff". Often out of your control.
But being a selfish, fucktard is in your control.
Love who you want. Be who you are.
But don't be a dick. ( yes, I know plenty of women who are)
You want a better self image?
Work on being a better person (a daily struggle for me)
One last thing. Smile. Everyone becomes better looking when they smile.
Side note: I personally never looked at porn as a reflection of reality . Seriously, plumbers NEVER show up that quickly .
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Jul 23, 2017 9:18:56 GMT -5
greatcoastal (And everyone else) Let's look at this another way. Let's say this one of your daughters . What would you tell HER? I'm willing to bet it would be more along the lines of "if they can't see what you have to offer, then fuck em, you're wonderful as you are." So why would your advice love and support to her be different than to yourself? Go ahead, I'll wait.... Actually , I won't . I have laundry to do. Because you see her value as higher then you see your own. That is your starting point, go from there . (Therapist #3, thank you again )
|
|
|
|
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jul 23, 2017 13:06:53 GMT -5
Body image and self esteem are difficult issues. I've always been on the more curvy/rounded side of the spectrum. Most of the time I am okay with how I look, but I do get self-conscious about my shape at times. The feelings get worse when I start comparing myself to others and then I feel less attractive than my perception of them I lost weight in my marriage, thinking that would help. It didn't. Honestly, there is someone out there who is going to love us and want/desire us just the way we are, inside and out; the trick is finding that person...Be you, be attracted to what is attractive to you, and all will work out in the end. Who cares what "they" say, whoever "they" are. We have to live our lives and be happy. I think your best attribute is your fur. Cheetah fur on a bunny, that is sexy! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2017 13:27:23 GMT -5
GC, you're absolutely allowed to like whatever type you like and no one should shame you for that. You're just not allowed to body shame anyone for not meeting your ideal. That's just cruel and unnecessary.
I personally really like tall guys. Although I wouldn't rule out falling for someone under 6 feet, I wouldn't gravitate towards a shorter man. I don't feel the need to apologize for that preference or adjust it because someone is offended by it. I'd never shame a man for being short as it's not something in his control, I just happen to dig tall guys.
As for fitness, I value that too. I'm very active and I need a man who can keep up. He doesn't have to be a GQ model, but he needs to be fit. I work hard to keep my weight healthy even in middle age, he should too. I don't think that's shallow or unfair. I want to have as much in common as possible with a potential partner.
Again, I think we're allowed to like what we like. It only becomes a problem when we go around shaming or insulting others or pushing our preferences on others.
Just my .02!
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jul 23, 2017 14:24:12 GMT -5
Please. Everyone . Just. Stop. If you are nice, kind, compassionate , loving, funny, passionate and sincere you have the right body type. Everything else is just "stuff". Often out of your control. But being a selfish, fucktard is in your control. Love who you want. Be who you are. But don't be a dick. ( yes, I know plenty of women who are) You want a better self image? Work on being a better person (a daily struggle for me) These are all wonderful ways of saying "be nice" and that's not wrong to say that. But that isn't the issue that is actually being discussed here, whether or not it is wrong to be a good person. Everybody pretty much thinks so, and knows that, and is a way of changing the subject away from body weight, shape, health, and preferences. Being nice, kind, compassionate, loving, funny, passionate, and sincere has NOTHING to do with your body type. Some body types are much more strongly correlated with being attractive to more people, or sooner, than others --so it's not really right to say that if your goal is to be more a more attractive person physically - that whatever you look like is going to be equally likely or easy to attract a mate (if that's the goal). That's reality - it's not just stuff - it makes a difference, quite often. It opens doors and possibilities that might otherwise be shut. What's fucked is this ABSURD shaming of people like the OP (including self-shaming) who suck on these bromides while deflecting attention from what and whom they are attracted to because it doesn't correspond to whom or what they think should be correct. Suppose some people end up getting married to people they actually don't fancy, physically, but who are nice, attractive etc. Happened to a friend recently, where in the aftermath of the separation, the dude finally owned up to what he had always thought in their sexless marriage: which is that he liked her - loved her even - but wasn't attracted to her physically, but he thought love would be enough. It wasn't, and she endured a sexless marriage, in which his lack of attraction was demonstrated on a daily basis, for years. She was comfortable with her body, and indeed, I found her to be attractive. After the split, hearing that - she said she wished she'd have known it up front. She wouldn't have changed anything, but she would have been dealing from a position of knowledge and authenticity about the truth of their pairing. Forcing oneself to enact the behaviour of attraction when one isn't attracted, sounds pretty much like a recipe for a sexless marriage, to me. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 23, 2017 14:39:49 GMT -5
Please. Everyone . Just. Stop. If you are nice, kind, compassionate , loving, funny, passionate and sincere you have the right body type. Everything else is just "stuff". Often out of your control. But being a selfish, fucktard is in your control. Love who you want. Be who you are. But don't be a dick. ( yes, I know plenty of women who are) You want a better self image? Work on being a better person (a daily struggle for me) These are all wonderful ways of saying "be nice" and that's not wrong to say that. But that isn't the issue that is actually being discussed here, whether or not it is wrong to be a good person. Everybody pretty much thinks so, and knows that, and is a way of changing the subject away from body weight, shape, health, and preferences. Being nice, kind, compassionate, loving, funny, passionate, and sincere has NOTHING to do with your body type. Some body types are much more strongly correlated with being attractive to more people, or sooner, than others --so it's not really right to say that if your goal is to be more a more attractive person physically - that whatever you look like is going to be equally likely or easy to attract a mate (if that's the goal). That's reality - it's not just stuff - it makes a difference, quite often. It opens doors and possibilities that might otherwise be shut. What's fucked is this ABSURD shaming of people like the OP (including self-shaming) who suck on these bromides while deflecting attention from what and whom they are attracted to because it doesn't correspond to whom or what they think should be correct. Suppose some people end up getting married to people they actually don't fancy, physically, but who are nice, attractive etc. Happened to a friend recently, where in the aftermath of the separation, the dude finally owned up to what he had always thought in their sexless marriage: which is that he liked her - loved her even - but wasn't attracted to her physically, but he thought love would be enough. It wasn't, and she endured a sexless marriage, in which his lack of attraction was demonstrated on a daily basis, for years. She was comfortable with her body, and indeed, I found her to be attractive. After the split, hearing that - she said she wished she'd have known it up front. She wouldn't have changed anything, but she would have been dealing from a position of knowledge and authenticity about the truth of their pairing. Forcing oneself to enact the behaviour of attraction when one isn't attracted, sounds pretty much like a recipe for a sexless marriage, to me. I agree. I suspect this was what happened with my ex and I. Initially he was attracted to me but as soon as we were married his desire and attraction changed and honestly it probably changed prior to marriage but I would make a good wife in all aspects to meet his needs just not his sexuality. Now that I'm dating I welcome rejection and I don't see it as a negative thing because I don't want to end up with someone that isn't into me and just wants to be with me because I provide companionship, meals, and maid service, as well as a double income because I have a career. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 23, 2017 14:48:43 GMT -5
GC, you're absolutely allowed to like whatever type you like and no one should shame you for that. You're just not allowed to body shame anyone for not meeting your ideal. That's just cruel and unnecessary. I personally really like tall guys. Although I wouldn't rule out falling for someone under 6 feet, I wouldn't gravitate towards a shorter man. I don't feel the need to apologize for that preference or adjust it because someone is offended by it. I'd never shame a man for being short as it's not something in his control, I just happen to dig tall guys. As for fitness, I value that too. I'm very active and I need a man who can keep up. He doesn't have to be a GQ model, but he needs to be fit. I work hard to keep my weight healthy even in middle age, he should too. I don't think that's shallow or unfair. I want to have as much in common as possible with a potential partner. Again, I think we're allowed to like what we like. It only becomes a problem when we go around shaming or insulting others or pushing our preferences on others. Just my .02! I truly value your two cents, (along with every one else's) Not to sound like a pity party but this is reality that comes with decades of a SM. I have been body shamed by people who do not meet my ideal. (not even close, yet I tried to go beyond that and value the person as well) It is cruel and unnecessary. But it is what it is. It affect me as well. to the point where all the self confidence in the world seems meaningless. Without getting a confirmation, a reassurance that I am desired, well... my thinking I am desirable, my desiring others, there's a third of that puzzle missing To make it complete. (knowing others desire me, that is missing) Perhaps it's a strong co-dependency? This is one of the few places I can bring these issues/thoughts to. To help me (and hopefully others) through this process. Another part of this is my preferences. Nothing cast in stone. But as soon as I say that, again, what feels cast in stone is my need to be accepted, liked, needed, and what's been missing the most, all these years, to be physically desired. |
|
