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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 7:58:19 GMT -5
greatcoastal, "chemistry" is just a euphemism for "attraction." Merriam-Webster online defines it as: a : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy - they have a special chemistryb : interaction between people working together; specifically: such interaction when harmonious or effective - a team lacking chemistry
JMX, agreed, the fella should not be too fit. I don't want him spending more time on his muscles than he does on me. And when I say fit, I just mean at a healthy weight (which is a wide range) and a decent fitness level. I'm not talking ultra marathon fit. WindSister, bravo! Yes, women come in all shapes and sizes, just like men, and there's no reason to ever shame someone or cut them down for what they look like. Beauty, imho, radiates from the soul and through the eyes. I've seen skinny, fit women who were ugly because they were angry or resentful or not very nice. I've seen overweight women (even obese) who radiate kindness and love and joy and are just gorgeous. Same with men. Which kind of brings us full circle back to chemistry. Like attracts like. Be the kind of person you'd be attracted to. I think that's what it boils down to.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 24, 2017 8:25:48 GMT -5
Yet even saying that, I feel programmed that I have a wrong "barbie" mentality? Jeezus - this is what I hate about the authoritarian "body-positive" movement - so contemptuous of men and male desire. Scratch that, even lesbian women have a normal desire to be with women of healthy, fit, and proportionate weight. You can like what you like. There is nothing wrong with having a preference for fit, or even skinny women. Most men do. There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't anything wrong with most men. In any other circumstance, the people who are shaming you for your preference (including and especially yourself) would recoil at the notion of politics entering the bedroom. Who gives a shit who you want? Who is entitled to your attention? Who is owed your attention? Nobody. There's no need to characterize it as "Barbie" proportions, as if to imply that it is shamefully shallow or harmful, or all the negative associations that have been hitched to that totem in body positivity narratives. It's YOUR preference, and you are entitled to have it. Don't apologize for it. The point of body positive is not to shame others for who they are. I ran the Denver Marathon with a group of friends ALL working on bettering themselves and getting healthy. One woman was still 300 pounds but had lost 100 pounds already! She was jogging/walking the 13.1 miles with us. I run super slow so I was with her, talking quite a bit, etc. People ACTUALLY yelled at her to "go on a diet" from the sidelines. I heard it with my own shocked freaking ears. We were ALL shocked. What asshole would do that? She told us she heard it more than once from the sidelines. Some were "concerned" for her, saying she was clearly too big to be in the marathon, too. What right did those slackers have to say a goddamn word to her? They mocked HER, who was IN IT -- DOING IT as they jeered at others from the sidelines. Women DO come in all shapes and sizes, even when they are "healthy." (or on their way to healthy) Like what you like. You don't have to justify it or make others "wrong" because they don't fit your mold. Pretty simple concept, I think. If you don't like someone, you aren't wrong for it, but on the same token, THEY aren't wrong either, simply because you don't find them attractive. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 24, 2017 9:20:18 GMT -5
Jeezus - this is what I hate about the authoritarian "body-positive" movement - so contemptuous of men and male desire. Scratch that, even lesbian women have a normal desire to be with women of healthy, fit, and proportionate weight. You can like what you like. There is nothing wrong with having a preference for fit, or even skinny women. Most men do. There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't anything wrong with most men. In any other circumstance, the people who are shaming you for your preference (including and especially yourself) would recoil at the notion of politics entering the bedroom. Who gives a shit who you want? Who is entitled to your attention? Who is owed your attention? Nobody. There's no need to characterize it as "Barbie" proportions, as if to imply that it is shamefully shallow or harmful, or all the negative associations that have been hitched to that totem in body positivity narratives. It's YOUR preference, and you are entitled to have it. Don't apologize for it. The point of body positive is not to shame others for who they are. I ran the Denver Marathon with a group of friends ALL working on bettering themselves and getting healthy. One woman was still 300 pounds but had lost 100 pounds already! She was jogging/walking the 13.1 miles with us. I run super slow so I was with her, talking quite a bit, etc. People ACTUALLY yelled at her to "go on a diet" from the sidelines. I heard it with my own shocked freaking ears. We were ALL shocked. What asshole would do that? She told us she heard it more than once from the sidelines. Some were "concerned" for her, saying she was clearly too big to be in the marathon, too. What right did those slackers have to say a goddamn word to her? They mocked HER, who was IN IT -- DOING IT as they jeered at others from the sidelines. Women DO come in all shapes and sizes, even when they are "healthy." (or on their way to healthy) Like what you like. You don't have to justify it or make others "wrong" because they don't fit your mold. Pretty simple concept, I think. If you don't like someone, you aren't wrong for it, but on the same token, THEY aren't wrong either, simply because you don't find them attractive. This is so true. It reminds me of the old saying... "You can love whoever you want.... But so can they." The comedy of life.... Side note: Seriously? I couldn't make the .1 - never mind the 13 miles. So yeah. "Let's stand on the sidelines and jeer someone doing it. " Good plan. Very well thought out. Feel free to clean the electrical outlets with a screwdriver. Fucktards. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 24, 2017 10:18:16 GMT -5
greatcoastal , "chemistry" is just a euphemism for "attraction." Merriam-Webster online defines it as: a : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy - they have a special chemistryb : interaction between people working together; specifically: such interaction when harmonious or effective - a team lacking chemistry
JMX , agreed, the fella should not be too fit. I don't want him spending more time on his muscles than he does on me. And when I say fit, I just mean at a healthy weight (which is a wide range) and a decent fitness level. I'm not talking ultra marathon fit. WindSister , bravo! Yes, women come in all shapes and sizes, just like men, and there's no reason to ever shame someone or cut them down for what they look like. Beauty, imho, radiates from the soul and through the eyes. I've seen skinny, fit women who were ugly because they were angry or resentful or not very nice. I've seen overweight women (even obese) who radiate kindness and love and joy and are just gorgeous. Same with men. Which kind of brings us full circle back to chemistry. Like attracts like. Be the kind of person you'd be attracted to. I think that's what it boils down to. Thanks elle! You did an excellent job answering that for me. I do think you did a great job coming full circle. Here comes the but, or the however. It seems like a completely different circle, apart from the need to be desired, intimately and sexually. To know that someone else also sees you as sexually attractive. Case in point. Ms. Tana is a 78 yr old widow I know from church. She is obese with many health issues. The youth from church have cleaned out her yard in the past. I took it upon myself to mow her lawn, and do lots of handy work for her for years. Mrs Tana is a fun person to be around. (chemistry) There's a strong mutual attraction, attachment, and sympathy= chemistry. (cutting down some of her plants was not harmonious) other than that we got along swimmingly! Like so many woman I have known we get along friendly, and surface like. Yet I can still console with her about deeper subjects (chemistry) A chemistry like that doesn't get anywhere near having a sexual desire for that person, or that person having a sexual desire for me. Lastly, I 've had chemistry with plenty of other men I hang around with too. Like the full circle you have described. That doesn't go anywhere near the need to be desired by someone of the opposite sex. |
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Post by lyn on Jul 25, 2017 0:36:13 GMT -5
I think in a nutshell greatcoastal, it's this: If you think you will be rejected, you will be rejected. This may sound a bit simple, but, start living your life for YOU. Try to avoid ruminating on this whole ideal woman concept and will she or won't she be attracted to me - will I or won't I be rejected - she's out of my league - too fat - too skinny - you get the picture. I know your "dear missus" has the purse strings tied shut on you, but, there are plenty of things you can do to get out and enjoy life that are free or practically free. Try some new stuff. Not the same old thing where you are helping the lonely widow prune her bushes (wait - that could work lol - if she's not 20 years your senior😉). Make a list of things you've always wanted to do. Learn something new - try something different. Laugh. Get out in the sun and enjoy yourself. Force yourself. *Fake it til you make it* is what all those gurus are always telling us. This is actually a good idea I think. Make yourself happy and fulfilled - act like it's real until it is real. Do your thing - just be good with BEing you. It's hard to be attracted to someone who is visibly anxious - obviously thinks they aren't "enough" anything. Confidence is the best swag any day of the week. You ARE enough. You will meet her - them - when you believe this. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 21, 2017 19:06:04 GMT -5
I just wanted to add something on to my original post-something I haven't thought about in a long time, but used to say- When I met my wife I did not find her extremely attractive. I remember having these self discussions as I would drive hundreds of miles a day in my rig.
"who are you to feel like you are all that attractive?, So she has a big belly. What really matters to you? There are so many other great features about her. She's a wonderful person. What's worth having years from now?" As many of you say, "there's a chemistry".
There is still the un-known, the why chasing. Does her physique have anything to do with her libido?, mental frame of mind? Does it go back to up-bringing and family.... So many un-answered questions that will no longer be my problem!
I talked myself down on what I found attractive, and what to settle for. I thought my "logic" was of sound mind. Maybe it was? Maybe it still is? maybe it will apply again, in the future? Only I won't be deceived again, say "I do" and then after a wedding get a bunch of "I don'ts!"
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 21, 2017 19:18:10 GMT -5
I just wanted to add something on to my original post-something I haven't thought about in a long time, but used to say- When I met my wife I did not find her extremely attractive. I remember having these self discussions as I would drive hundreds of miles a day in my rig. "who are you to feel like you are all that attractive?, So she has a big belly. What really matters to you? There are so many other great features about her. She's a wonderful person. What's worth having years from now?" As many of you say, "there's a chemistry". There is still the un-known, the why chasing. Does her physique have anything to do with her libido?, mental frame of mind? Does it go back to up-bringing and family.... So many un-answered questions that will no longer be my problem! I talked myself down on what I found attractive, and what to settle for. I thought my "logic" was of sound mind. Maybe it was? Maybe it still is? maybe it will apply again, in the future? Only I won't be deceived again, say "I do" and then after a wedding get a bunch of "I don'ts!" Well I can speak to the big belly/ libido question: Having a big belly doesn't make libido go down. I'm overweight and I might have more testosterone than some men. I have a high libido so I don't think there is a correlation. Having a big belly might lower her self esteem and confidence and that may lower her sex drive. Despite being overweight, I'm an extremely confident woman. I have a "take it or leave it attitude" and therefore get to enjoy my sexuality. I owe this to my fwb, he gave me back my self esteem, a gift that I can never repay him for. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 21, 2017 19:28:50 GMT -5
I just wanted to add something on to my original post-something I haven't thought about in a long time, but used to say- When I met my wife I did not find her extremely attractive. I remember having these self discussions as I would drive hundreds of miles a day in my rig. "who are you to feel like you are all that attractive?, So she has a big belly. What really matters to you? There are so many other great features about her. She's a wonderful person. What's worth having years from now?" As many of you say, "there's a chemistry". There is still the un-known, the why chasing. Does her physique have anything to do with her libido?, mental frame of mind? Does it go back to up-bringing and family.... So many un-answered questions that will no longer be my problem! I talked myself down on what I found attractive, and what to settle for. I thought my "logic" was of sound mind. Maybe it was? Maybe it still is? maybe it will apply again, in the future? Only I won't be deceived again, say "I do" and then after a wedding get a bunch of "I don'ts!" Well I can speak to the big belly/ libido question: Having a big belly doesn't make libido go down. I'm overweight and I might have more testosterone than some men. I have a high libido so I don't think there is a correlation. Having a big belly might lower her self esteem and confidence and that may lower her sex drive. Despite being overweight, I'm an extremely confident woman. I have a "take it or leave it attitude" and therefore get to enjoy my sexuality. I owe this to my fwb, he gave me back my self esteem, a gift that I can never repay him for. You are so easy to communicate with ! It's a great attribute of yours! You need to hear it more often!! You know if my wife had shown even half of the desire for me than she did, my weight, her weight, would not be an issue. ( along with so many other control issues in the marriage) There where and are plenty of " Other fine extras" loaded on the model I chose. Instead I got a lemon. (time for a rebate). |
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