|
|
Post by jim44444 on May 12, 2016 7:27:51 GMT -5
First, 90% of the open marriages I've heard about is where both members of the couple are high-libido (HL) and have promiscuous tendencies. Their "see other people" arrangements are for the thrill of it... and they still have thrills with each other. ..... @dan, why did you use the pejorative "promiscuous "? |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 12, 2016 7:36:56 GMT -5
@dan, why did you use the pejorative "promiscuous "? I don't consider the term "promiscuous" pejorative. I consider it simply definitional: "someone who seeks out and engages in sexual encounters frequently." It is just one of many valid forms of non-monogamy, as far as I'm concerned. If someone is disdainful of promiscuous sex (for moral or any reasons), the pejorative sense is their disapproving attitude, not the term itself, IMO. My one line summary characterizing some open-marriages neither claims to be a full explanation/dissertation on open-marriages nor a value judgement of any kind. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 10:51:20 GMT -5
Hit the nail on the head there mr! We feel responsible for them. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 10:57:37 GMT -5
They have no idea my wife and I haven't had sex for many years. The marriage is fine except for the lack of sex. My wife and I never argue and enjoy each other's company. They have no idea what does or doesn't go on behind closed doors. My wife is fine without sex and and we haven't spoken about it for 20 years. If I could get some sex elsewhere once in awhile I would be totally happy too. But I would never let the kids know that. I would like to think that even if they did know they would say that they couldn't live without their Dad. What I can't grasp is how the marriage is fine apart from the lack of sex. You have a friend, not a wife. Am I being too black and white? |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 11:05:39 GMT -5
This has been any interesting thread with some great replies. I may be repeating thoughts others have expressed better than I but here goes. In the EP group I recall Livingasme as an example of someone who used the open relationship to resolve her SM. However, her situation did not involve a damaged partner just one with a low libido. Ironically he became hornier once she began having sex with others. In your situation you have a partner incapable of empathy, incapable of truly loving you. He is damaged and you cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself and he has no reason to do so. You are an enabler. If you leave him than his choices are to find someone else to enable his self-abusive behaviour or to fix himself or to die. Those are really his choices and you cannot make them for him. You need to get legal advise on how to leave him. Will he be able to ask for spousal support? Child custody? Asset distribution? Only a lawyer versed in the family law of your jurisdiction can help you with the rules of splitting up. You have two sons by him, 15 and 8 or thereabouts. Have you considered what they are learning about relationships, fatherhood and the concept of being an adult man? Their father is a piss poor example. An open relationship will do nothing for their emotional growth, they would be better off without the toxic influence of their father. You mentioned not being able to afford therapy for you because you are paying for his. Stop. If he wants therapy then he will figure out a way to get it. Take care of you first. So as to your original question about an open relationship, I have no experience but have no objection to it. In your situation I cannot envision how an open relationship would improve anything. You need to get him out of your life. You need to understand what compelled you to stay with him all these years. Jim you are spot on. I know all of this and in theory it's right. I need to leave. The thing stopping me is my own problem with hurting other people. I have incredibly low self esteem. Again, my head tells me all the right things to do but my heart just can't. I'm actually realising lately that I'm a worthwhile person. Forums like this help, the outsourcing has helped and talking to a few select friends too. I'm clever, funny, kind, and quite hot when I'm not trying to hide in a corner because of my insecurities. I know I'm my head I deserve better but in my heart I feel unlovable, unworthy, and like I don't deserve anything better than to struggle unhappily through life working my backside off to make it better. As time goes on the balance seems to be swaying a bit. I was 40 last month and the realisation that I'm halfway ish though life.. If I'm lucky... Is making me question all the doubts about myself. It's starting to give me an assertiveness I have always lacked for fear of rocking the boat. I'm getting there slowly. I think! X |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on May 12, 2016 13:32:58 GMT -5
My ideal is to stay with him happily. But I'm never going to get happiness here. I'm just waiting for something to happen to kick me one way or the other. We are not actually married btw. Got together in 1999. Son born 2001. Had 2002 - 2006 off... I left him due to his gambling and borrowing money and violence. He pestered me every day of that split to get back. I managed to keep myself on track with that until one weak moment and he was back. Feet under my table before I could blink. Son 2 came in 2008. Basically had no sex since. The gambling and violence has been replaced by a weed addiction. It's messy! eternaloptimism, I would like to have your name but you currently deserve it more than me! You should consider what he does for you that makes you have hope for a future together. Is he a good father, good around the house, is he dependable at work? Or potentially to be all those? I recently upset my wife because I told her I rejoined match.com and that I was unhappy at home. I did it to light a fire because I still love her. I did my homework and I think there is high probability it will result in sex/intimacy. Not sure what kind, but a kind. Right now it is no kind. I don't ask for much in that area because she is great in everything else. I don't think an open relationship would solve anything for you. You should do something that can change your partner into someone you desire or you should let him go. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 13:39:57 GMT -5
My ideal is to stay with him happily. But I'm never going to get happiness here. I'm just waiting for something to happen to kick me one way or the other. We are not actually married btw. Got together in 1999. Son born 2001. Had 2002 - 2006 off... I left him due to his gambling and borrowing money and violence. He pestered me every day of that split to get back. I managed to keep myself on track with that until one weak moment and he was back. Feet under my table before I could blink. Son 2 came in 2008. Basically had no sex since. The gambling and violence has been replaced by a weed addiction. It's messy! eternaloptimism, I would like to have your name but you currently deserve it more than me! You should consider what he does for you that makes you have hope for a future together. Is he a good father, good around the house, is he dependable at work? Or potentially to be all those? I recently upset my wife because I told her I rejoined match.com and that I was unhappy at home. I did it to light a fire because I still love her. I did my homework and I think there is high probability it will result in sex/intimacy. Not sure what kind, but a kind. Right now it is no kind. I don't ask for much in that area because she is great in everything else. I don't think an open relationship would solve anything for you. You should do something that can change your partner into someone you desire or you should let him go. I'm now at the point of giving up trying to help him fulfill his potential... He has a fuck tonne of potential but doesn't see reason to unleash it. I'm tired of trying now. It's gotta end. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 12, 2016 13:50:43 GMT -5
I'm now at the point of giving up trying to help him fulfill his potential... He has a fuck tonne of potential but doesn't see reason to unleash it. I'm tired of trying now. It's gotta end. Ah "the potential" question. I though I saw potential before I got married as well. Apparently I was drunk. I do know what you mean - I saw a woman who had the makings of a good partner - then she decided that "other things" came before our marriage. Now is becoming more like "There is a "potential" to make it through the day without a fight" |
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on May 12, 2016 13:55:02 GMT -5
A few of them I even "tutored" on how to find a suitable AP. Dear Professor Dan, The ladies of ILIASM are interested in your course AP101, Finding a Suitable AP. Please post the class time and schedule as well as any materials we may need. Thank you. We look forward to meeting with you. Sincerely, Rhapsodee |
|
|
|
Post by LITW on May 12, 2016 14:57:14 GMT -5
They have no idea my wife and I haven't had sex for many years. The marriage is fine except for the lack of sex. My wife and I never argue and enjoy each other's company. They have no idea what does or doesn't go on behind closed doors. My wife is fine without sex and and we haven't spoken about it for 20 years. If I could get some sex elsewhere once in awhile I would be totally happy too. But I would never let the kids know that. I would like to think that even if they did know they would say that they couldn't live without their Dad. What I can't grasp is how the marriage is fine apart from the lack of sex. You have a friend, not a wife. Am I being too black and white? There is no universe in which a marriage can be fine apart from lack of sex, because sex is what makes a marriage a marriage, and not just a financial partnership. That is, unless by "fine" you mean "passable" or "not horrible". The presence of, or absence of sex in a marriage is a barometer that shows the degree to which the couple is emotionally connected. Your marriage may be livable if you can exist without having an emotional connection with your spouse, but thats all its going to be ... existing. Relationships thrive on emotional and spiritual connection, which a healthy sex life is both an indicator of AND a contributor to. Sex creates emotional closeness. The absence of sex indicates emotional distance. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 14:59:13 GMT -5
I'm now at the point of giving up trying to help him fulfill his potential... He has a fuck tonne of potential but doesn't see reason to unleash it. I'm tired of trying now. It's gotta end. Ah "the potential" question. I though I saw potential before I got married as well. Apparently I was drunk. I do know what you mean - I saw a woman who had the makings of a good partner - then she decided that "other things" came before our marriage. Now is becoming more like "There is a "potential" to make it through the day without a fight" I suppose in a way we are being insulting to them. In that it's their life and who are we to try to change them. Regardless of our good intentions. The devils advocate in me says it could be perceived that it's me that is selfish for trying to turn him into a man he has decided he isn't. Bah. Hurts my head! |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 12, 2016 15:20:28 GMT -5
A few of them I even "tutored" on how to find a suitable AP. Dear Professor Dan, The ladies of ILIASM are interested in your course AP101, Finding a Suitable AP. Please post the class time and schedule as well as any materials we may need. Thank you. We look forward to meeting with you. Sincerely, Rhapsodee My son took a few Advanced Placement classes in high-school this year, and just took the AP exams to see what score he would get. I guess the class you suggest would be an "AP class" as well... and your score is based on how well you score.  UPDATE: I edited a lot out of my reply. I think I took Rhapsodee 's suggestion seriously. I'm not sure she meant it that way. Even if she did, I still don't like my original reply... it is really wigging me out.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 16:45:15 GMT -5
What I can't grasp is how the marriage is fine apart from the lack of sex. You have a friend, not a wife. Am I being too black and white? There is no universe in which a marriage can be fine apart from lack of sex, because sex is what makes a marriage a marriage, and not just a financial partnership. That is, unless by "fine" you mean "passable" or "not horrible". The presence of, or absence of sex in a marriage is a barometer that shows the degree to which the couple is emotionally connected. Your marriage may be livable if you can exist without having an emotional connection with your spouse, but thats all its going to be ... existing. Relationships thrive on emotional and spiritual connection, which a healthy sex life is both an indicator of AND a contributor to. Sex creates emotional closeness. The absence of sex indicates emotional distance. I think it's a matter of luck and expectations. It is not easy to find someone to have the kind of relationship you describe. I dated for 15 years before I got married, dozens of women, but I never felt "emotionally connected" as you describe it. So it's not like I had that and now I'm missing it in my marriage. It would be nice I guess but it is not like I expected that. No, the thing I miss is just sex. |
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on May 12, 2016 21:57:11 GMT -5
Dear Professor Dan, The ladies of ILIASM are interested in your course AP101, Finding a Suitable AP. Please post the class time and schedule as well as any materials we may need. Thank you. We look forward to meeting with you. Sincerely, Rhapsodee My son took a few Advanced Placement classes in high-school this year, and just took the AP exams to see what score he would get. I guess the class you suggest would be an "AP class" as well... and your score is based on how well you score. UPDATE: I edited a lot out of my reply. I think I took Rhapsodee 's suggestion seriously. I'm not sure she meant it that way. Even if she did, I still don't like my original reply... it is really wigging me out.
Just having fun |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 21, 2016 8:56:21 GMT -5
Good luck. Typically doesnt work if the relationship isnt strong to start. But i could be wrong. It could be the catalyst I need to get him back in action or gone though. Just don't have a clue how he would react I attempted this with my now X. After I had tried just about everything else that is supposed to help in a S/M. We had had numerous talks about how dysfunctional the intimacy was. I approached her with the proposition of me having a FWB. I reasoned to her that as she found intimacy so distasteful and had no desire I could perhaps find a friend and would no longer need to bother her with my undesired attentions. She adamantly refused. However, she did start having sex again on a regular basis. It lasted about 3 months and she couldn't keep up the pretense of enjoying the intimacy. She went back to refusing. And it wasn't long until I told her I couldn't continue in the marriage and we subsequently divorced. Most people back at EP said about the same thing. Their refuser would not tolerate sex with someone else. Of coarse there would still be no sex with them. You know your H best. How do you think he is likely to feel about his W getting pounded by another guy? Not very many spouses are open minded enough or love their mates enough to go along. |
|
