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Post by DryCreek on May 8, 2016 21:53:55 GMT -5
Seriously, if you're not at the point where you can say a "Plan B" out loud and mean it, then I don't think you're ready to ask for an open marriage in a sexless marriage situation. Bingo. You can declare your intent, or you can give them a choice. But if there's no Plan B, you're just asking permission; they have zero reason to say "yes", short of making you stop pestering them for sex. "We're not having sex; you clearly don't want to. I need sincere intimacy - I can't continue like this! There are only two options left... we divorce, or I get a lover. You choose." |
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Post by Dan on May 8, 2016 21:56:19 GMT -5
Dan, you are such an idiot, you need to get your shit together. [just kidding  ] But from what you have said before, you don't really want to fool around, and I suspect you would find an open marriage frustrating and unsatisfying fairly quickly. Which kind of cuts down the options a bit. Just a thought... I've pretty much decided I'm tired of "stay-and-cheat" as a long term plan. Been there done that. It was good for a while, but I've realized that it is no longer satisfying. The thing I'd like to do is wrap it up (this marriage) and just turn the page. Let me enjoy the next few decades; two, maybe three if things go well. Single, dating, setting down again: any of the above. The problem is I feel a crushing responsibility for my wife's mental and financial well-being. That is where I see the great similarity between me and eternaloptimism . I think I'm headed back to therapy soon. Oh: and the "free consultation with the divorce attorney" is still on my short list of "important things to do soon", too. |
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Post by beguiledcinderella on May 8, 2016 22:39:25 GMT -5
I'm somewhat on the cusp of requesting an open relationship.
We've had several conversations. I one of them I said, we are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. Mono. That's one. Not zero. I didn't vow to "forsake all".
I said that as I saw it he had three choices.
1) do something to actively fix the situation with appreciable results
2) do nothing, but insist on monogamy (celibacy)
3) release me from the monogamy requirement
At sometime later when things were calmer he said that what I had said was fair and true. And that I'd waited long enough for option 1, and that didn't seem to be going anywhere-- so he'd be willing to discuss option 3 at such time as I felt ready to do so.
He also said that the requirement would only be abolished one way (meaning he wasn't going to have other partners). I said I actually didn't think that seemed fair. He said, "This is my fault. And I can see how it would hurt you an awful lot if I was seeing someone else given the circumstances -- so I don't think I want to do that. At least not at first. Maybe I'll change my mind but not unless we discuss it"
I shelved the discussion, because I don't see this as a long term solution. I see it as hospice care. I think once I walk down that road the clock realistically starts ticking on my divorce. I really would like to push that off until my kids are out of the house. So would my spouse.
But I'm fairly certain if I brought the issue to him again the answer would be yes
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Post by ggold on May 8, 2016 23:10:47 GMT -5
I guess I don't see sex so much as a sacred act anymore like I used to. It's more like dessert only you burn calories instead of add them so enjoy your life and find your happiness in whatever that may be! I am beginning to feel this way! |
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Post by Dan on May 8, 2016 23:45:22 GMT -5
I think once I walk down that road the clock realistically starts ticking on my divorce. I have come to agree with this. Early on, no, I really felt "stay and cheat" was a viable, long-term option. My marriage was better when I was getting some via a side-relationship (compared to the unhappy, sorry-for-myself-for-being-undersexed/sexless). It honestly "worked" to our mutual benefit... for a while. Anyway, advice to those who follow: outsourcing may be a short term fix, or a holding pattern for some time.... but if sex doesn't return to the marriage, it is also the path to the exit. |
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Post by bluebirdday on May 9, 2016 0:21:29 GMT -5
So another option I'm musing atm is suggesting an open relationship to my refuser. If I'm too much of a scaredy pants to leave the father of my kids and he doesn't want me to go anyway, would this be a viable option? I have rejected outsourcing for now as I can't do deceit. Anyone have any experience of this? An open marriage is a simple band aide to your ILASM shithole. It helps in the moment (but can't fall in love!) and when you get close to home you feel your pace slacken....to the point when you are sitting in the driveway, wondering why you don't want to get out of your car. Or worse: if you are still sharing a bed....nothing is worse than having a delicious hook up with your ap, only to have it dashed when you get home |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 14:02:10 GMT -5
So another option I'm musing atm is suggesting an open relationship to my refuser. If I'm too much of a scaredy pants to leave the father of my kids and he doesn't want me to go anyway, would this be a viable option? I have rejected outsourcing for now as I can't do deceit. Anyone have any experience of this? Well, I can certainly understand why you would want this. However, if he is too selfish to have sex with you and make sure you are satisfied, why would he be willing to allow someone else to satisfy you? Also, I have to tell you a bit about marijuana users. I am a criminal prosecutor, and I probably have met more drug users than anyone else here. It is true that marijuana users are not as violent as alcoholics or meth users. However, I can tell you that marijuana users have two characteristics: 1) They make extremely poor decisions, and 2) They are extremely selfish. I don't know if this information is helpful, but I hope it is. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 9, 2016 14:50:16 GMT -5
Also, I have to tell you a bit about marijuana users. I am a criminal prosecutor, and I probably have met more drug users than anyone else here. It is true that marijuana users are not as violent as alcoholics or meth users. However, I can tell you that marijuana users have two characteristics: 1) They make extremely poor decisions, and 2) They are extremely selfish. I don't know if this information is helpful, but I hope it is. No sir, That's just a cigarette. |
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Post by angryspartan on May 9, 2016 14:56:35 GMT -5
Well, this guy's wife figured out how to make it possible:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/fpwwb/was_i_tricked_into_granting_my_wife_permission_to/
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 0:53:15 GMT -5
So another option I'm musing atm is suggesting an open relationship to my refuser. If I'm too much of a scaredy pants to leave the father of my kids and he doesn't want me to go anyway, would this be a viable option? I have rejected outsourcing for now as I can't do deceit. Anyone have any experience of this? Good luck. I tried talking my wife into an open relationship after years of counselling and therapy failed. She flew into a rage and threatened to kick me out and take the kids. She basically doomed both of us to being sexless for the rest of our lives. That was 20 years ago. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 1:07:48 GMT -5
So another option I'm musing atm is suggesting an open relationship to my refuser. If I'm too much of a scaredy pants to leave the father of my kids and he doesn't want me to go anyway, would this be a viable option? I have rejected outsourcing for now as I can't do deceit. Anyone have any experience of this? Good luck. I tried talking my wife into an open relationship after years of counselling and therapy failed. She flew into a rage and threatened to kick me out and take the kids. She basically doomed both of us to being sexless for the rest of our lives. That was 20 years ago. Do you kind of wish now that you'd gone along with the kicking you out thing? X |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 1:17:24 GMT -5
No I could never not live under the same roof as my kids. They are the only living family I have.
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 1:32:48 GMT -5
No I could never not live under the same roof as my kids. They are the only living family I have. But now they're grown, don't you think if they knew what you have gone through and how miserable it's been, they might agree you should have left? 2 happy parents who don't live together are far better than 2 sad ones in the same house imho xx |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 1:44:25 GMT -5
They have no idea my wife and I haven't had sex for many years. The marriage is fine except for the lack of sex. My wife and I never argue and enjoy each other's company. They have no idea what does or doesn't go on behind closed doors. My wife is fine without sex and and we haven't spoken about it for 20 years. If I could get some sex elsewhere once in awhile I would be totally happy too. But I would never let the kids know that. I would like to think that even if they did know they would say that they couldn't live without their Dad.
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Post by jim44444 on May 12, 2016 7:24:23 GMT -5
This has been any interesting thread with some great replies.
I may be repeating thoughts others have expressed better than I but here goes.
In the EP group I recall Livingasme as an example of someone who used the open relationship to resolve her SM. However, her situation did not involve a damaged partner just one with a low libido. Ironically he became hornier once she began having sex with others.
In your situation you have a partner incapable of empathy, incapable of truly loving you. He is damaged and you cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself and he has no reason to do so. You are an enabler. If you leave him than his choices are to find someone else to enable his self-abusive behaviour or to fix himself or to die. Those are really his choices and you cannot make them for him.
You need to get legal advise on how to leave him. Will he be able to ask for spousal support? Child custody? Asset distribution? Only a lawyer versed in the family law of your jurisdiction can help you with the rules of splitting up.
You have two sons by him, 15 and 8 or thereabouts. Have you considered what they are learning about relationships, fatherhood and the concept of being an adult man? Their father is a piss poor example. An open relationship will do nothing for their emotional growth, they would be better off without the toxic influence of their father.
You mentioned not being able to afford therapy for you because you are paying for his. Stop. If he wants therapy then he will figure out a way to get it. Take care of you first.
So as to your original question about an open relationship, I have no experience but have no objection to it.
In your situation I cannot envision how an open relationship would improve anything.
You need to get him out of your life.
You need to understand what compelled you to stay with him all these years.
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