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Post by unmatched on Jul 17, 2017 19:05:11 GMT -5
I have two answers to this. The psycho-therapeutic answer is that I grew up in a household with very English parents who were loving but not touchy or affectionate, and I never saw them kissing or any passion between them. And I went to a very English school where sarcasm and behaviour control are king. I am a very touch-oriented person so I constantly felt I needed more love from the people around me, and learned to try and please everybody to get as much as I could. In my twenties I branched away from this and learned to connect much more, but then hooked up with a woman who felt deeply familiar to me (because she was exactly what I grew up with) and I think that connection was what decided me that I wanted to marry her. I wasn't feeling at all needy at that point and I guess I figured the fact that she wasn't very touchy wasn't a big deal. Fast forward 10 years and how wrong I was! So it is a total cliche but I got married and ended up repeating my childhood, desperately craving more touch and affection and trying to please the people closest to me in order to get it. I won't do that again! (And I am damned if I am going to let my son grow up that way.)
The other answer is more of a relationship one. As the initial hormones and ardour of the relationship wore off, I started to need more love than I was getting. I reached out more, became more pleasing, more needy and less confident. At the same time she was pulling away from me because it was too much and because she didn't like the intimacy stuff that much in the first place. So we got into a push pull interaction where I always wanted more and she always needed more space. And as a part of that process I think I ended up sublimating a huge amount of my self for the sake of the 'relationship'. Basically I was somewhere I shouldn't have been and I tried harder and harder to make it work, and lost myself in the process. So then how was someone who felt deeply conflicted about sex in the first place ever going to feel inspired and sexy and physically drawn to me when I wasn't authentically there for her?
Looking at it now I don't think I ever really saw the relationship for what it was. I am still not sure I do now. I think I was married to a fantasy in my head that drew on the superficial details of what was actually happening and wove this whole story of love and connection around it. There is love and connection there, for sure, but it is not the romantic or sexual connection that I thought it was. One thing someone posted recently that I thought was really insightful is that often we see a relationship as a 'thing' - something to be looked after, or held onto, or something that can be taken away from us. The truth is a relationship is just the space between two people and whatever is happening between them. There is nothing more than that. And for me that is the biggest problem with marriage - we see it as a 'thing' that we have, something we don't want to lose, something that can be threatened. And in that we lose the ability to really see what is going on between us and our partner.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jul 18, 2017 1:34:16 GMT -5
My biggest mistake I think would be patience. I was told to be patient, as all good religous women are supposed to be and that was a huge mistake.
my mom was dead and I didn't get along with my grandma at that time (its much better now).
so I didn't have any real guidance for relationships or marriage and I was quickly isolated from the women after marriage.
I was too young and naive to see what was happening.
I was way too patient. I didn't fight enough.
and then things got complacent.........
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 18, 2017 7:49:47 GMT -5
My biggest mistake I think would be patience. I was told to be patient, as all good religous women are supposed to be and that was a huge mistake. my mom was dead and I didn't get along with my grandma at that time (its much better now). so I didn't have any real guidance for relationships or marriage and I was quickly isolated from the women after marriage. I was too young and naive to see what was happening. I was way too patient. I didn't fight enough. and then things got complacent......... Don't be to hard on yourself. When someone is manipulating you, "you don't know what's happening while it's even happening." Too many times I find myself, a month later thinking, " that didn't go very well. I'm no better off. She got her way again. She got what she wanted, and I got it worse." It's taken research , retraining, and time, for me to now see these red flags when they are happening, and knowing how to shut them down. The moving of the goal post, the jumping through hoops....all of that! Being young and naive is a big factor....so is being older and a victim to years of manipulative training. Isolation is just another tool that a controller uses on us. They want to take away your identity, your self worth, and your voice. This sounds like something that is commonly done to women in your culture. Sadly I let the same thing happen to me. Once my W and I switched roles and I became stay at home dad, I was isolated. Not realizing how much our move to another state did that to me. All her plan, nicely disguised under , "finances". I left all family, all friends, all 26 yrs of living in 3 separate towns close together, jobs and career. All for the good of "the children". my W? The state we moved to was her home state, her family lives here, here college was here, her career moved up the ladder quickly, she pressed for more children "adoption" that isolated me even further. I let it happen. I was unaware ,while it was happening. It's not until months, years, later that the implications of it all come crashing down on you, like a wave. Now I'm taking action. She does not like that! I'm still me. In fact now that I am re-building myself I will be wiser and stronger than before. happier too! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 10:27:31 GMT -5
Thank you gc It's great to be understood and I needed to read this. He's now asking me to stay to not give up on us. Says he loves me etc. more manipulations. Please realize that he does NOT love you. He loves the idea of possessing you. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 18, 2017 10:38:25 GMT -5
What did I do wrong? Similar to unmatched, I grew up in a household with parents who were not affectionate with each other. When I was younger, I thought they loved each other. As I grew older, I realized that they were completely different people and that the reason there was no affection, touching ,and kissing was because they were not in love. My father had a drinking problem and my mother hated him for it. They would barely communicate and when they did, my dad would often say that he couldn't do anything right. This was my normal. I witnessed a loveless marriage void of intimacy, connection, and communication. It is no wonder that I married a man incapable of intimacy, connection, and communication. When I met my h, I was finishing up college. I was 22 years old and started working for a financial corporation. He was my supervisor. He was a nice guy, respectful and he could cook! ha! He just seemed so mature and grounded for a 28 year old guy. Four months later, we began dating. I remember saying to him that I could see us getting married only after officially dating him for two weeks!! We definitely had a connection and were physically attracted to one another. I didn't date many guys. I only had two steady boyfriends before I met my h and they were the only two I had sex with. My sister was the pretty one. She had the boys after her. I was awkward and had low self esteem. I guess my h swept me off my feet. Looking back, I was certainly not ready to marry. I lived with my parents and then moved in with my h after we married. I never went away to college. I had to work while going to school to pay my expenses. I'm not saying I didn't have fun with my friends at this time, because I did. What I did not experience was independence. Soon after marrying, our intimacy took a nosedive. I still looked forward to going out with my single friend to clubs. I would drink and flirt with men. (Hello G...ya think this was a clue??) I noticed that my h had similar characteristics to my mom. He cared for me, cleaned, cooked. I then noticed more. He would be unable to communicate with me about important issues such as sex and intimacy. Just as I would be afraid to approach and talk to my mom about certain topics, I began to feel the same with him. Again, though, to me this was all normal. It's what I lived all along. I tried to reach out to him by writing him letters about how I felt. He'd read them, say he would change, and then nothing would happen. So, I would avoid it again. Not bring it up. Yet, cry myself to sleep at night. What did I do wrong? I didn't address it. I didn't use my voice. I let it go. I pushed it aside thinking he was a good man and provider and that I could live without sex and intimacy. I wanted to start a family. I tried to get pregnant. I went through infertility treatments. I adopted three children. I continued to live life trying to fill my heart with what was missing. By doing this, I allowed him to "control" my sexuality....for over 20 years. :-( I know I can't change the past. I have three miracle children and I cannot imagine life without them. I've learned and I've grown in many ways. I have to remember life is a journey and now I'm on the right path. G |
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Post by iceman on Jul 18, 2017 11:44:27 GMT -5
What did I do wrong? Similar to unmatched , I grew up in a household with parents who were not affectionate with each other. When I was younger, I thought they loved each other. As I grew older, I realized that they were completely different people and that the reason there was no affection, touching ,and kissing was because they were not in love. My father had a drinking problem and my mother hated him for it. They would barely communicate and when they did, my dad would often say that he couldn't do anything right. This was my normal. I witnessed a loveless marriage void of intimacy, connection, and communication. It is no wonder that I married a man incapable of intimacy, connection, and communication. When I met my h, I was finishing up college. I was 22 years old and started working for a financial corporation. He was my supervisor. He was a nice guy, respectful and he could cook! ha! He just seemed so mature and grounded for a 28 year old guy. Four months later, we began dating. I remember saying to him that I could see us getting married only after officially dating him for two weeks!! We definitely had a connection and were physically attracted to one another. I didn't date many guys. I only had two steady boyfriends before I met my h and they were the only two I had sex with. My sister was the pretty one. She had the boys after her. I was awkward and had low self esteem. I guess my h swept me off my feet. Looking back, I was certainly not ready to marry. I lived with my parents and then moved in with my h after we married. I never went away to college. I had to work while going to school to pay my expenses. I'm not saying I didn't have fun with my friends at this time, because I did. What I did not experience was independence. Soon after marrying, our intimacy took a nosedive. I still looked forward to going out with my single friend to clubs. I would drink and flirt with men. (Hello G...ya think this was a clue??) I noticed that my h had similar characteristics to my mom. He cared for me, cleaned, cooked. I then noticed more. He would be unable to communicate with me about important issues such as sex and intimacy. Just as I would be afraid to approach and talk to my mom about certain topics, I began to feel the same with him. Again, though, to me this was all normal. It's what I lived all along. I tried to reach out to him by writing him letters about how I felt. He'd read them, say he would change, and then nothing would happen. So, I would avoid it again. Not bring it up. Yet, cry myself to sleep at night. What did I do wrong? I didn't address it. I didn't use my voice. I let it go. I pushed it aside thinking he was a good man and provider and that I could live without sex and intimacy. I wanted to start a family. I tried to get pregnant. I went through infertility treatments. I adopted three children. I continued to live life trying to fill my heart with what was missing. By doing this, I allowed him to "control" my sexuality....for over 20 years. :-( I know I can't change the past. I have three miracle children and I cannot imagine life without them. I've learned and I've grown in many ways. I have to remember life is a journey and now I'm on the right path. G Your situation is very similar to mine times 2. Unaffectionate parents, too young when I married the first time. Had limited dating experience or independence,had no idea what it meant to be married. I just knew that the idea of marriage was something that had been hammered into me so I needed to do it. I thought I wanted to do it. Then after W#1 dumped me after realizing before me that we really shouldn't be married or even married in the first place I went out and did it again. I can rationalize that I was in shock and on the rebound but I knew while I was saying the vows to marry my current W that we had no business being married and went ahead anyway. When the intimacy and sex, or lack there of, became more and more of a problem I put my head down and dug in because I thought we could make it work and I could will myself to be happy. We bought houses together. Had children, which I will never regret. They are the one thing I've done right. But we tied ourselves together and entangled our lives together to the point where separating will be so difficult. If I'd only had the courage to say no, I don't take this woman to be my wife .... or at least got out before we starts binding us together with houses, kids, etc it would have been very painful in the short term but less painful overall. I realize I'm contradicting myself when it comes to my desire to never have married my current W but still be so thankful for my kids. I can't resolve that contradiction. And when things started going badly I didn't really address the problems. I took the path of least resistance and avoided confrontation and really believed that we could somehow resolve our differences as if by magic. I ended up sulky and angry, hardly a constructive position to take. So in summary, I married the wrong person, twice. When I realized that I'd married the wrong person I stubbornly hung in there and went down a path that made leaving the marriage so much more difficult. And finally, I didn't really address our issues to try to resolve them. I stuck my head in the sand and tried to convince myself that I was happy, or at least I would be happy in the end if only I could stick it out. What a f*cking mess !!! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 11:58:47 GMT -5
When my refuser did not want to have sex on the wedding night, I should have said that is her right, packed up my bags, flown home & filed for an annulment the next day.
Every time she refused me, I should have told her that I will not be tolerating this for the long term.
During the 6 years of celibacy, I should have told her that I will not accept celibacy forever, and I will be leaving soon.
The first time she punched me, I should have packed up and left her worthless, abusive ass.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 18, 2017 13:56:26 GMT -5
My need to be needed. Still going on to this day. I'll Hug you. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 18, 2017 16:31:27 GMT -5
My need to be needed. Still going on to this day. I'll Hug you. awwww.... |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 18, 2017 20:31:57 GMT -5
My need to be needed. Still going on to this day. I'll Hug you. Umm.. the last time you hugged me my pants got wet - I'll try not to squeeze you so hard next time! |
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Post by nancyb on Jul 18, 2017 20:59:54 GMT -5
Umm.. the last time you hugged me my pants got wet - I'll try not to squeeze you so hard next time! Please, please, let me be piggy in the middle.  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 18, 2017 23:25:51 GMT -5
I felt unworthy of real attention and affection. I let my stubbornness get in the way of my happiness. I let myself get taken advantage of for too long I've never wanted to be a leader. I like being a team player. I don't like being in the spot light. I like being behind the scenes. Yet praised by a few for my contributions. I really, really like helping others, yet I was trained to be as humble as possible about accepting credit, or praise. I could go on, and on..... all these "traits" used to be "acceptable" for me. I know see them as "bait" for the person who wants to take advantage of my "good nature, and caring heart" I am having to reprogram myself to be " worthy of praise, respect, desire, and admiration". Just telling myself, "I deserve it" strikes fear, and doubt. I'm working on it! Why can I encourage others and build up someone else's worth and pride, but not my own! I'm working on it. years of self doubt and rejection. (disguised as being kind, and humble) I'm breaking free, and I'm working on it! I'm doing some soul searching. Can't you tell? |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 19, 2017 0:53:29 GMT -5
Umm.. the last time you hugged me my pants got wet - I'll try not to squeeze you so hard next time! Please, please, let me be piggy in the middle. I hear banjos! |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 19, 2017 7:08:31 GMT -5
Umm.. the last time you hugged me my pants got wet - I'll try not to squeeze you so hard next time! I never hid my fetishes..... |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 19, 2017 8:30:50 GMT -5
Umm.. the last time you hugged me my pants got wet - I'll try not to squeeze you so hard next time!  Love you Bro. |
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