What did you do wrong

I have a simple calendar app that I keep track on.  Probably not the healthiest thing in the world but at least I have my facts straight.

Many years ago there was a post on iVillage or EP from a user known as Tomatoman. He wrote the list below about identifying a LL partner and I kept it. It's not perfect and there are some elements that I don't agree with but generally it's a pretty good summary. I didn't listen, I thought we could "fix" each of our issues including our mismatch. Wrong. The HL person must accept their lot in life (as I did) or move on. Hope this saves someone.


1. Has no time or inclination towards sexual topics, items or subjects. This could be ****, lingerie, certain T.V. shows, books, pictures, etc. It does nothing for them, or precious little. If this is true for your guy, beware. Double beware if they are turned-off and disgusted by any or all of the above. **** is controversial, but guys are generally more accepting and responsive.

2. Has no sexual fantasies. This is huge and consistent. Most of us, when we ask our LL(Low Libido) spouses what their sexual fantasies are, they report that they don't really have any. Or have very few or something very tame, like sex in a water bed or something. Not all fantasies have to come true but sexually healthy people do have fantasies and have them on a regular basis. They don't have to work on thinking about sex. To a high libido person, thinking and fantasizing are as natural as gravity.

3. Thinking, talking and having sex is a chore. Generally, LL folks lose energy when they have to relate on a sexual level, and they tire of it easily and quickly. HL generally gain energy as the level of sexual tension increases. Sex increases the well-being of people with high sexual thresholds, and not having sex bothers and hurts them on many, many levels. Sexual pressure tends to have the opposite effect on LL individuals, who will experience and express great anxiety and distress dealing with sexual matters.

4. Low libido people are generally easily and quickly satiated. In a nutshell, after having sex, the LL person will be satisfied for a longer period of time. They get irritated in a major way if they just finish having sex (meaning it was just an hour, a day, a week or even a month ago) and their partner tries to initiate again too soon. For HL folks, the more they have, the more they seem to want. The LL individual may regard having sexual contact again as overkill and may even be turned off.

5. The LL person will generally have more boundaries and limitations on sexual practices. There are a slew of us on here who have partners who refuse to have oral sex with us. Some are okay with giving and more are okay with receiving, but it is almost universal that our LL partners will have some aversion to oral sex in some way. Or in any way, as in the case with my DW. The absence of variety and kinkiness may relate to the dearth of a fantasy life for LL people. 69ing is not a regular component of the menu for any of us HL CL folks. Most people have boundaries, but the sexual space of low libido individuals tends to be more limited as they tend to have more narrow zones of comfort.

6. Kissing. There are a bunch of us who have partners who refuse to give us open-mouthed or long, deep, passionate kisses. If your virgin fiance isn't looking for your tonsils (in apparent sexual frustration) I'd be concerned. But that's just me. For some, this relates again to a narrow comfort zone and the seeming insatiable demand for intimacy from a HL partner. Kissing is a physical and deeply intimate expression that could be analogous to sexual style and preference.

7. Initiating. This is also a sore spot, as most HL people complain that if they don't initiate, nothing is going to happen. Or they have given up, simply because they have been turned down so often. The LL partner generally initiates on an infrequent basis, if at all.

8. Talking about sex is different. The LL partner generally talks about "giving it up" or "giving the person sex" or "giving in", and refers to the other partner as the one "getting it" as in "I just gave you some (last month), and I can't believe you are interested in getting it again!" While the HL person may use similar language, such as "Pleeeze?! Can I pleeeeze have a little somethin'?" they are more likely to refer to it as a shared experience. The HL partner's fantasy includes being with someone who truly enjoys being with them, finds them sexually exciting really, really wants to jump their bones and responds with lust, desire and passion. All of these components indicate a more shared experience from the HL standpoint. Our partners frequently view it from the standpoint of enduring it and wanting to get it over with.

9. Sex is not worth the effort. Often there are many obstacles to having sex, including work, schedules, physical stress, children, marital tensions and other factors that make sex a goal that seems far away. For the LL person, there is a very finite amount of energy that should be expended towards sex. If there are conflicts or obstacles, sex quickly gets put on the back burner. Circumstances sometimes warrant this, but the HL partner will almost always find ways of overcoming or working around these obstacles. The LL person will allow circumstances control and ultimately crowd out time, energy or thoughts of sex. They are often too tired for sex. The HL is more often too tired of NOT having sex!

10. Hostility towards discussing the topic. Generally, the LL folks regard having to discuss the clashing libido issue as pressure, which leads to #9. They will generally avoid the subject and definitely avoid discussing the problem or deny that there is one at all. Included in this is shifting responsibility back to the other partner. The problem should be a *shared* concern, not just a matter of fixing one person or the other. Chances are, both partners have contributed and both need to be involved in mending the relationship. However, the LL partner's refusal to even discuss the topic (see #1) makes resolving any issues or problems almost impossible and the problem simply becomes more aggravated and vexing.

Where I messed up is I continued to look for happiness with someone who was taking happiness from me and not giving what I needed to be happy;
I continued to give chances to someone who was unworthy of them;
And I continued to expect a different result from someone who had no plans of changing.

Realizing that he would never change was a huge realization.
I tried to fix things for too long.
Finally I put my happiness first.

@toyoungtobeold

#8 is so true, I want just one night of passion and desire.

Once upon a time a pig and a chicken where walking down a village street.

They came upon a church sign which advertised a prayer breakfast.

It read, "ham and eggs will be served from 6:30 to 8:30 am".

The chicken turned to the pig and said, " See! Even we can help the work of the church!".

"Yes" said the pig. "But yours is only a contribution, mine is a SACRIFICE!"

^^^  This reminds me of many a SM!

I must say, a lot of these "what I did wrong" doesn't sound like you did much of anything wrong. They sound more like "me, wonderful, caring, sensitive, HL, me,shared myself with the wrong person".That doesn't necessarily make what you did wrong.