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Post by warmways on Jul 8, 2017 23:02:53 GMT -5
In my deal my boundaries weren't strong enough. Let's face it; I let it happen. People will treat you the way you allow them to. I was wrong to get married because deep down I must have known I was in too deep and I shouldn't bank on the fact that he probably wouldn't be able to love me. There were warnings and I looked past them. In my mind, he was the one! I really thought we'd be on this adventure of growing and changing through life together and through therapy if need be.
He recently said that he treated me like s*** and was a dick to me throughout the marriage. He said he has 'faint glimmers of attraction' (in a rare moment of truth) for me sometimes and could see us having sex in six months. When he said he had the glimmers I asked why he didn't act on it and he said he bought that that would be presumptuous of him. Really?!?? You've got to be kidding me. He thinks I'm still stupid. I played it very smart with the manipulative conversation that followed. I have to be two steps ahead.
That was the most real comment he's ever made to me. He tried to back down on the faint glimmers of attraction thing claiming he didn't remember saying it and then that I took it the wrong way. . (And the funny thing is I've had guys ask me out and a coworker said I could stay with him until I find a place. Our entire marriage he's been impenetrable with his true thoughts and feelings and I waited for any bit of truth like a fool.
I've learned what is unacceptable;i I went into the marriage naive but I think the silver lining is that it forced me to wake up out of my "coma", gaining my self respect back so I can fight back and am coming back to myself and that is worth everything. I couldn't find myself or feel anything for so long and sometimes tried to convince myself to just give up. On bad days I admit I still do.
Ugh. I don't think what i did was that wrong but so many friends said they wouldn't have put up with the neglect and lack of sex for more than a month. I wasn't true to myself. That's what I did. I gave him many opportunities to leave. I told him if he was gay I'd understand. I talked about separation about how I could move out and he could find a woman who he wanted to be with. Said I needed to set him free.
My mantra now is: "To thine own self be true." Leaving is going to happen. I just can't afford to get sick if I rush it.
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Post by JMX on Jul 9, 2017 7:32:13 GMT -5
Where I messed up is I continued to look for happiness with someone who was taking happiness from me and not giving what I needed to be happy; I continued to give chances to someone who was unworthy of them; And I continued to expect a different result from someone who had no plans of changing. Realizing that he would never change was a huge realization. I tried to fix things for too long. Finally I put my happiness first. Hee hee - this gave me a flash back to couple's counseling when husband said the same and the counselor flipped the script. H: I believe only you can make yourself happy. Counselor (eyebrows cocked): well, sure, but that sounds rather selfish considering you are IN a partnership. Have you considered how SHE will make herself happy without you being an active partner? Are you prepared for that blow-back? Silence That was probably the second to last counseling session - the last three were me explaining unequivocally that this issue was a deal-breaker for me, with a third party present. I agreed that I would wait for him to go through individual therapy for a bit (my mistake not putting a time limit on this) before I leave. So... I still make mistakes. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2017 8:29:20 GMT -5
Where I messed up is I continued to look for happiness with someone who was taking happiness from me and not giving what I needed to be happy; I continued to give chances to someone who was unworthy of them; And I continued to expect a different result from someone who had no plans of changing. Realizing that he would never change was a huge realization. I tried to fix things for too long. Finally I put my happiness first. Hee hee - this gave me a flash back to couple's counseling when husband said the same and the counselor flipped the script. H: I believe only you can make yourself happy. Counselor (eyebrows cocked): well, sure, but that sounds rather selfish considering you are IN a partnership. Have you considered how SHE will make herself happy without you being an active partner? Are you prepared for that blow-back? Silence That was probably the second to last counseling session - the last three were me explaining unequivocally that this issue was a deal-breaker for me, with a third party present. I agreed that I would wait for him to go through individual therapy for a bit (my mistake not putting a time limit on this) before I leave. So... I still make mistakes. [br Do not be so hard on yourself. It's part of the process and it makes no difference when we figure it out for ourselves as long as we do. Hugs xoxo |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 9, 2017 10:32:48 GMT -5
In my deal my boundaries weren't strong enough. Let's face it; I let it happen. People will treat you the way you allow them to. I was wrong to get married because deep down I must have known I was in too deep and I shouldn't bank on the fact that he probably wouldn't be able to love me. There were warnings and I looked past them. In my mind, he was the one! I really thought we'd be on this adventure of growing and changing through life together and through therapy if need be. He recently said that he treated me like s*** and was a dick to me throughout the marriage. He said he has 'faint glimmers of attraction' (in a rare moment of truth) for me sometimes and could see us having sex in six months. When he said he had the glimmers I asked why he didn't act on it and he said he bought that that would be presumptuous of him. Really?!?? You've got to be kidding me. He thinks I'm still stupid. I played it very smart with the manipulative conversation that followed. I have to be two steps ahead. That was the most real comment he's ever made to me. He tried to back down on the faint glimmers of attraction thing claiming he didn't remember saying it and then that I took it the wrong way. . (And the funny thing is I've had guys ask me out and a coworker said I could stay with him until I find a place. Our entire marriage he's been impenetrable with his true thoughts and feelings and I waited for any bit of truth like a fool. I've learned what is unacceptable;i I went into the marriage naive but I think the silver lining is that it forced me to wake up out of my "coma", gaining my self respect back so I can fight back and am coming back to myself and that is worth everything. I couldn't find myself or feel anything for so long and sometimes tried to convince myself to just give up. On bad days I admit I still do. Ugh. I don't think what i did was that wrong but so many friends said they wouldn't have put up with the neglect and lack of sex for more than a month. I wasn't true to myself. That's what I did. I gave him many opportunities to leave. I told him if he was gay I'd understand. I talked about separation about how I could move out and he could find a woman who he wanted to be with. Said I needed to set him free. My mantra now is: "To thine own self be true." Leaving is going to happen. I just can't afford to get sick if I rush it. What a pile of unmitigated bullshit (from him). He's not even smart enough to throw down the childhood abuse excuse. Well, you know what you need to do. I wish you well in that journey. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 9, 2017 10:35:11 GMT -5
Where I messed up is I continued to look for happiness with someone who was taking happiness from me and not giving what I needed to be happy; I continued to give chances to someone who was unworthy of them; And I continued to expect a different result from someone who had no plans of changing. Realizing that he would never change was a huge realization. I tried to fix things for too long. Finally I put my happiness first. Hee hee - this gave me a flash back to couple's counseling when husband said the same and the counselor flipped the script. H: I believe only you can make yourself happy. Counselor (eyebrows cocked): well, sure, but that sounds rather selfish considering you are IN a partnership. Have you considered how SHE will make herself happy without you being an active partner? Are you prepared for that blow-back? Silence That was probably the second to last counseling session - the last three were me explaining unequivocally that this issue was a deal-breaker for me, with a third party present. I agreed that I would wait for him to go through individual therapy for a bit (my mistake not putting a time limit on this) before I leave. So... I still make mistakes. Therapy: the ultimate long term reset. Buyer beware.... |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 14:45:06 GMT -5
I tried to tell myself that sex wasn't important to me all the while getting more and more depressed and eating my way to satiation. This is me!! Then once I was overweight, why would he ever want to come near me? I gave him the excuse he needed to not touch me! He stopped long before weight increase though! But now, I have lost most of the weight, look better than ever and have a lot more confidence. I talk to people when out which I didn't do before, and he has noticed! |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 14:47:56 GMT -5
I tried to tell myself that sex wasn't important to me all the while getting more and more depressed and eating my way to satiation. This is me!! Then once I was overweight, why would he ever want to come near me? I gave him the excuse he needed to not touch me! He stopped long before weight increase though! But now, I have lost most of the weight, look better than ever and have a lot more confidence. I talk to people when out which I didn't do before, and he has noticed! Hmmm...from your picture, you are bald, have squinty eyes, have grey skin, have your head in the clouds, and walk around naked. Just sayin'  |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 15:00:22 GMT -5
I was Cameron from the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off. As the philosopher Ferris Bueller says of his friend: "Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work." I lost myself in trying to give her everything she wanted. While that may sound like a noble thing to do, Ferris hits the nail right on the head. A marriage has to be a two way street, and for almost all of it, I didn't insist on the things I NEEDED to make me happy. And eventually, I snapped. If I would have been more assertive earlier on, perhaps the relationship would have been healthier. Of course, it also could have imploded earlier too. But it would have been fewer wasted years (relationship wise) for both of us. That is on me. Wow shamwow ! Me too. Exactly. Of course, this works both ways. I don't respect her sorry ass either anymore. Why don't they teach this shit in school??? Or at least in premarital counseling??? 2 missed opportunities. Too bad I never watched Ferris Beuller before marriage. 3 missed opportunities. 3 therapists: nobody mentioned this. 6 missed opportunities. I have actually read a book that deals with this subject called "No More Mr Nice Guy." But I read that book about seven or eight years too late. For me, wise Ferris's advice would have made little difference. Mine was a classic bait and switch. Tons of sex before the marriage, the spigot turned off as soon as we got back from the honeymoon, then turned on twice for procreation. As soon as my swimmers weren't needed anymore, neither was I, except for a paycheck. Well, now the paycheck is gone, and the child support check will be gone in 5 years. It would have been easier all along if the bait / switch had never happened, but she will bear the consequences longer than I will, and I'm sure I will be blamed for the rest of her life. Now that I've got to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, perhaps I can do what Cameron suggested Ferris would do...Fry cook on Venus. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jul 12, 2017 10:17:41 GMT -5
Simply, I was in love. I thought I had found the perfect mate.
I grew up in a repressed environment, then went into a violent marriage which I escaped. Through therapy I had just begun to heal and learn to speak up for myself. When I met my husband, I felt that he was my reward. He was solid and supportive. He built me up and made me feel special. I was Cinderella and he was my Prince. He treated me like a queen. He still does in some ways. Being treated well and with respect has helped me to grow into the woman I am now. I am thankful for what he has given me.
Now, in retrospect I know I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was so fearful of retaliation for any slight that I became a pleaser. I never learned to ask for what I needed.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 13, 2017 1:46:21 GMT -5
My story is similar to Rhapsodee. I was recovering from my first divorce, found a woman whom I fell in love with and thought she would be a great wife.
I grew up in an environment of emotional and physical abuse. When I got married the first time, right after the wedding my wife because verbally abusive. When that marriage ended 5 years later, I was so devastated that I never thought I would fall in love again. About 9 months after I divorced I met the woman who was to become my second wife. She was wonderful, loving, kind and understanding, things I never had growing up. I too thought she was my reward from God for all the crap that I had gone though the first half of my life. She too built me up, made me feel special and worthy of the love I had so desperately desired. She told me and showed love to me in so many wonderful ways in those early days and years. She treated me like a king. But as the years went on and she went through emotional changes because of age and because we had gone through several difficult periods of unemployment, moves and other very stressful events and finally as she went through menopause, she no longer felt that way about me. Looking back on it, I remember with deep fondness our wonderful romantic early years together. I guess I kept hoping these past 16 years of SM that something I said or did would reignite that spark but nothing has and sadly I don't think nothing will. I don't even think she would grieve over me if I were to die tonight in my sleep or tomorrow in a car accident. I think she would just bury me and move on and she would just say that it's the cycle of life, birth, life death, no big deal.
Looking back on it now, I realized I probably shouldn't have gotten married so fast after my divorce. I just thought she would be such a wonderful wife and I didn't allow the relationship to run longer to see if it would remain a loving relationship in times of stress. I trusted that love would never change. Sadly I've learned that's not always true.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 16, 2017 0:55:44 GMT -5
I fell for his charm, promises and was so flattered at his determination to 'get me'. Where I went wrong... is I trusted. Your trust was not wrong. His violation of your trust is wrong. It is he who must wear the bad boy shirt. He chose it, he tailored it, it is his to wear. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 16, 2017 6:15:52 GMT -5
In my deal my boundaries weren't strong enough. Let's face it; I let it happen. People will treat you the way you allow them to. I was wrong to get married because deep down I must have known I was in too deep and I shouldn't bank on the fact that he probably wouldn't be able to love me. There were warnings and I looked past them. In my mind, he was the one! I really thought we'd be on this adventure of growing and changing through life together and through therapy if need be. He recently said that he treated me like s*** and was a dick to me throughout the marriage. He said he has 'faint glimmers of attraction' (in a rare moment of truth) for me sometimes and could see us having sex in six months. When he said he had the glimmers I asked why he didn't act on it and he said he bought that that would be presumptuous of him. Really?!?? You've got to be kidding me. He thinks I'm still stupid. I played it very smart with the manipulative conversation that followed. I have to be two steps ahead. That was the most real comment he's ever made to me. He tried to back down on the faint glimmers of attraction thing claiming he didn't remember saying it and then that I took it the wrong way. . (And the funny thing is I've had guys ask me out and a coworker said I could stay with him until I find a place. Our entire marriage he's been impenetrable with his true thoughts and feelings and I waited for any bit of truth like a fool. I've learned what is unacceptable;i I went into the marriage naive but I think the silver lining is that it forced me to wake up out of my "coma", gaining my self respect back so I can fight back and am coming back to myself and that is worth everything. I couldn't find myself or feel anything for so long and sometimes tried to convince myself to just give up. On bad days I admit I still do. Ugh. I don't think what i did was that wrong but so many friends said they wouldn't have put up with the neglect and lack of sex for more than a month. I wasn't true to myself. That's what I did. I gave him many opportunities to leave. I told him if he was gay I'd understand. I talked about separation about how I could move out and he could find a woman who he wanted to be with. Said I needed to set him free. My mantra now is: "To thine own self be true." Leaving is going to happen. I just can't afford to get sick if I rush it. I read your whole post and I get it. Boy do I get it! It's the beginning sentence that strikes me. I would like to defend it for you, me, and so many others. (we are saying the same thing, just different words) "My boundaries weren't strong enough, I let it happen" One of my favorite words has been "manipulative controller" I learned that term from the book " Boundaries in Marriage". Where it explains no matter how many or how strong your boundaries, a manipulative controller will run over them like a tank. (Someone is borrowing my book so I can't quote it) Are your boundaries sufficient enough for the other 99% of the people who you deal with in your every day life? I'm guessing they do very well. You are respected and treated properly, by others and society. "To thine own self be true." You and I needed time, we needed tipping points, we needed the FOG to lift. Now the realization has set in. Our spouses know/knew exactly what they are doing, and will continue too. They will not change. They will look for other victims and use them for their benefit. That's why we must run the other way. |
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Post by warmways on Jul 16, 2017 14:06:30 GMT -5
Thank you gc It's great to be understood and I needed to read this. He's now asking me to stay to not give up on us. Says he loves me etc. more manipulations.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 16, 2017 18:20:02 GMT -5
Thank you gc It's great to be understood and I needed to read this. He's now asking me to stay to not give up on us. Says he loves me etc. more manipulations. Yes...Sadly it sounds like the old classic. He doesn't love you, he loves having you around. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2017 17:44:06 GMT -5
Thank you gc It's great to be understood and I needed to read this. He's now asking me to stay to not give up on us. Says he loves me etc. more manipulations. Yes...Sadly it sounds like the old classic. He doesn't love you, he loves having you around. Alternate interpretation: Stay. On my terms. |
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