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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2017 23:25:54 GMT -5
The simple story of my wife/life I left the army a basket case. she put me back together. Over the years we did well in life, kids went to good schools, nice house etc. but not very often here do we address our parts- negative parts in the marriage. I was certainly a huge problem. You obviously have to look at yourself sometimes.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jul 5, 2017 23:46:09 GMT -5
I felt unworthy of real attention and affection.
I let my stubbornness get in the way of my happiness.
I let myself get taken advantage of for too long
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Post by baza on Jul 6, 2017 0:12:03 GMT -5
Back in the day, I didn't really know what I wanted.
I drifted into a marriage with some naive notion that that would provide me with what I wanted (but still without me actually knowing what I wanted)
Unsurprisingly, it developed into a big fuck up.
But I don't apply the descriptive "wrong" in all this.
I made my choices back then, and later, I wore the consequences.
That's how life works.
The choices I made back then were based on what I knew then - and what I knew then was not a lot.
No-one held a gun to my head to get married, no-one held a gun to my head to stay married.
That was all down to me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 0:52:48 GMT -5
Back in the day, I didn't really know what I wanted. I drifted into a marriage with some naive notion that that would provide me with what I wanted (but still without me actually knowing what I wanted) Unsurprisingly, it developed into a big fuck up. But I don't apply the descriptive "wrong" in all this. I made my choices back then, and later, I wore the consequences. That's how life works. The choices I made back then were based on what I knew then - and what I knew then was not a lot. No-one held a gun to my head to get married, no-one held a gun to my head to stay married. That was all down to me. Wow you just so high jack my story and made it yours. I don't believe it you cunt . Most people here let it slide |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2017 2:21:32 GMT -5
I was young and ignorant when it came to relationships, and actually valued the absence of kissing, romance, and intellectual foreplay... because there was intercourse with a hottie. And that, of course, was the goal line at that age. Talk about having to lie in the bed you've made... I've spent the entire marriage trying to re-create what was never there.
I nearly ejected at the 3-year mark, but due to frustration, not enlightenment. I backed down - mostly due to hubris, refusing to admit that a problem was unsolvable. And the rest, as they say, is history.
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Post by h on Jul 6, 2017 4:41:24 GMT -5
I was completely unaware that I should have talked about sex with my W before the wedding. I was naive and ignorant of how serious the issue would be. I put too much faith in what I was taught growing up and believed that as long as I followed all the rules of Christian sexual morality, I would be rewarded in marriage for my faithfulness. I never brought it up before and just assumed that everything would work itself out.
Once married, I didn't know how to bring up the fact that I was unhappy. I got moody and withdrawn. I allowed my resentment to bubble under the surface and I know that my anger slipped out on occasion through very hurtful things I would say without thinking first. I tried for years to stuff my emotions down to avoid acting like my father. He was always yelling at all of us over minor things and never bothered trying to be calm. In an effort to avoid following in that path, I chose another, equally bad option.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 6, 2017 7:17:55 GMT -5
My mistakes were multiple, but I can sum them up with one encompassing reason. I see myself in others' stories. Accepting excuses, accepting blame, patiently waiting, helping ease her burdens, trying to fix her, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong or could do better. In essence, my mistake was hoping it would get better. Some things can't be fixed.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 6, 2017 7:28:19 GMT -5
My need to be needed. Still going on to this day.
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Post by nancyb on Jul 6, 2017 8:01:58 GMT -5
I tried to tell myself that sex wasn't important to me all the while getting more and more depressed and eating my way to satiation.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jul 6, 2017 8:52:40 GMT -5
Oh boy, what I did wrong. I was afraid of being alone so I grabbed desperately onto the first person who showed much interest. Then I proceeded to allow her to be the control freak that she is, which lead to me becoming a tool (thus my profile photo of a wrench). When she stopped having sex I told myself it's a phase and I didn't speak up. When I realized that it wasn't a phase I told myself that it was ok and that I didn't need a sex life. When we went to have kids I mistook her interest in getting pregnant as interest in me. For years I told myself that all of this was ok because who would want me anyway?
I'm trying to pull my shit together but it's tough. I've been very fortunate to have the support of some very special ladies in my life, without them who knows where I would be right now.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2017 9:27:15 GMT -5
I was too passive and empathetic for the lies he told me to avoid sex with me.
By the time I found EP I had too much resentment and anger to repair the marriage.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 6, 2017 9:52:57 GMT -5
I was Cameron from the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off. As the philosopher Ferris Bueller says of his friend:
"Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."
I lost myself in trying to give her everything she wanted. While that may sound like a noble thing to do, Ferris hits the nail right on the head. A marriage has to be a two way street, and for almost all of it, I didn't insist on the things I NEEDED to make me happy. And eventually, I snapped. If I would have been more assertive earlier on, perhaps the relationship would have been healthier. Of course, it also could have imploded earlier too. But it would have been fewer wasted years (relationship wise) for both of us. That is on me.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 6, 2017 10:29:25 GMT -5
In a nutshell, I was a walking zombie most of my life.
Another way I put it is a buoy lost at sea - being swayed here and there from the currents of other's opinions.
Quite literally, one day I woke up, looked around and said, "WTH is this life I am living?"
Things started to change after that. Someone told me to "be the kind of woman who lives the kind of life she wants." Deep stuff at the time, hit me, shook me. I became that woman and continue to be that woman.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 6, 2017 10:32:13 GMT -5
The simple story of my wife/life I left the army a basket case. she put me back together. Over the years we did well in life, kids went to good schools, nice house etc. but not very often here do we address our parts- negative parts in the marriage. I was certainly a huge problem. You obviously have to look at yourself sometimes. Bringing it down to a more practical level with what you started this thread with, I will add that, yes, I brought a certain energy to my first marriage that did not allow us to thrive sexually together - I was passive aggressive, an enabler and not very honest with my feelings, wants and needs. He was who he was and I knew he wouldn't change but I dove in anyway knowing full well he was the type of man who tensed up from touch rather than enjoy it. I got married with huge raging doubt in my heart even on the day of the wedding. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 6, 2017 12:15:41 GMT -5
I asked someone to marry me who loved me, but who never had envisioned marriage as a part of her life.
When we discussed marriage and what it meant before and after the proposal, I did not pay sufficient heed to chase down her dealbreaker proposals and behaviors:
- "Would it be ok if I moved to explore another country for 6 months every year or two?"
- or, on our honeymoon, "I think I should move here and be a tour guide, and play guitar in a bar."
- "I'm afraid of having kids. The thought of raising a child alone terrifies me."
- or smoking every time we fought on those issues - when smoking was expressly a negotiated marriage dealbreaker -
I also changed my emphasis toward nesting and my own vision of married life somewhat, once we bought a house and had kids. I had enormous financial responsibilities that she did not share - which were part of our initial deal prior to having those responsibilities - but due to her own lack of investment in the work to maintain them (a house and kids), she resented me for them. In comparison, I became a lot less sexy than the boho artsy folks who she saw when she was out.
So, I married someone who really didn't want to get married, much less, to me.
She did love me though. And if she had said "No", we likely would have split.
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