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Post by doneanddone on Jun 27, 2017 11:49:47 GMT -5
So I've been out of pocket for a bit dealing with a recent extraordinary life changing event. About 3 weeks back I had a vasectomy. It was something heavily discussed between my W and I. We both are comfortable with the decision and we are now moving into a new phase of our SM. There is still a window of time alternative protection must be used until I am deemed to be "shooting blanks" so the initial inaugural romp in the hay has not taken place yet but it has been circled on the calendar as the time to attempt to refresh and rest our marriage. I am looking forward to the new beginning and am very optimistic that things will change for the better in this one area of our marriage. Here comes the down side to my post......
I have become so numb from the rejection of initiating intimacy and accustomed and familiar with not having a high expectation when it comes to intimate contact with my W that when it is time to go full throttle......will I even want to with her. Probably like most men and women who are the recipients of being refused we have built up a tolerance to the situation and can sniff it out miles before it occurs. Then there is the part of having to deal with a SM in the fact that while self stimulation is our primary go to for filling the void, I don't know about most but pornography and previous encounters with previous lovers comes to mind when filling the void and laying hands upon ones self so to speak.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that if there were to be a change in attitude towards sex now from my W stand point of now having no fear of getting pregnant, is it to late for her? Has our SM and her refusals pushed me so far away that sex and intimacy with HER is no longer attractive BUT sex and intimacy are still a high priority for me in my own life? Has anyone ever gotten to the point of no return only to stop on the line and contemplate what to do before making the next move? I am ready to get our marriage back on the steamy highway but I won't know until it's time but my mind seems to be leaning towards the latter which is yes, it is too late for her.
Thoughts, comments......
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 27, 2017 12:06:13 GMT -5
You've taken a significant step to address what she claims to be a concern. It may just be an excuse, to be replaced by another; or perhaps it was legitimate. She might not even know.
The only advice I can offer you is to have low expectations. It's the most effective way to ensure you're not disappointed and discouraged, and your attitude will be a key ingredient going forward. Not to say you should forever leave the bar low - you still aspire to a goal, but raise your expectations of her as she demonstrates more engagement.
In other words, don't expect her to take off like a race horse - that expectation will just frustrate you both. Give her an opportunity to exceed your expectations.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 27, 2017 12:29:19 GMT -5
In my journey - I got to the point of demanding foreplay and we set a date and he went through with it. I was so "stopped up" so to speak that I practically exploded despite actual quality of technical skills. Anyway - in after thoughts, I realized it was one of those: be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. Yeah. I got exactly, literally, technically by all rights, what I had demanded. And it was a little disappointing. Okay so a few days go by - mind you that had been the first sexual physical contact in about 3 yrs - and a few nights later, he comes onto me again - and I (hate to admit) thought it could be better, so tried to go for it. And it was even worse than the first time. I had to talk to him a few days later and tell him that it felt too weird after so long without that kind of relationship. I wasn't sure I really knew what I wanted or needed even though I'd previously been so adamant. Welcome, counter-refusal stage. Good luck navigating this phase. I think you need to go into it with an open mind that it COULD work and address a true core issue. But I agree with DryCreek that you can't set the stepping stones too far too fast. It will need to be incremental progress back towards each other, most likely. So that it can be trusted. Proven, even, as you go along. I believe it's never too late if a person really wants to change. I believe my Ex had absolutely NO desire to be the one making any changes. So I changed addresses. But if you want it to work out and she really meant what she said and tries to do the work on the relationship needed, then I think it's not out of the realm of possibility. That is not my experience, but I think it COULD happen. |
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Post by doneanddone on Jun 27, 2017 13:55:51 GMT -5
You've taken a significant step to address what she claims to be a concern. It may just be an excuse, to be replaced by another; or perhaps it was legitimate. She might not even know. The only advice I can offer you is to have low expectations. It's the most effective way to ensure you're not disappointed and discouraged, and your attitude will be a key ingredient going forward. Not to say you should forever leave the bar low - you still aspire to a goal, but raise your expectations of her as she demonstrates more engagement. In other words, don't expect her to take off like a race horse - that expectation will just frustrate you both. Give her an opportunity to exceed your expectations. Thank you. That gives a different perspective than I had looked for before now. I am keeping the expectations to a minimum as I do see this going rather slowly than full throttle as I mentioned earlier. I can already tell she is a little hesitant. It's almost like someone who knows they have to do something they don't want to do but are going to do it anyways just to get it done. I don't know, we'll see. But I am keeping my emotions and expectations in check for a while. Thanks for the feedback. |
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Post by doneanddone on Jun 27, 2017 14:19:23 GMT -5
In my journey - I got to the point of demanding foreplay and we set a date and he went through with it. I was so "stopped up" so to speak that I practically exploded despite actual quality of technical skills. Anyway - in after thoughts, I realized it was one of those: be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. Yeah. I got exactly, literally, technically by all rights, what I had demanded. And it was a little disappointing. Okay so a few days go by - mind you that had been the first sexual physical contact in about 3 yrs - and a few nights later, he comes onto me again - and I (hate to admit) thought it could be better, so tried to go for it. And it was even worse than the first time. I had to talk to him a few days later and tell him that it felt too weird after so long without that kind of relationship. I wasn't sure I really knew what I wanted or needed even though I'd previously been so adamant. Welcome, counter-refusal stage. Good luck navigating this phase. I think you need to go into it with an open mind that it COULD work and address a true core issue. But I agree with DryCreek that you can't set the stepping stones too far too fast. It will need to be incremental progress back towards each other, most likely. So that it can be trusted. Proven, even, as you go along. I believe it's never too late if a person really wants to change. I believe my Ex had absolutely NO desire to be the one making any changes. So I changed addresses. But if you want it to work out and she really meant what she said and tries to do the work on the relationship needed, then I think it's not out of the realm of possibility. That is not my experience, but I think it COULD happen. I see your point. Being a counter refuser never crossed my mind but would it be counter refuser if I just wasn't interested in sex with W but was interested in sex with others? See to me my W has been the refuser with a laundry list of excuses other than the simple "I'm not interested in sex with you". Afraid to get pregnant, to stressed, unhappy with how she looks, uncomfortable with kids in the house, too tired.....on and on and on. But never was it so easy as she just wasn't into sex with me anymore. It was every other reason. So going slow and taking our time to rebuild a part of our marriage that was there but then vanished, is going to take time. Maybe my concern is IF I am at that point of just not interested in sex with my W but am very much interested in sex as a normal part of my life, being looked at as a counter refuser would be a little unfair IMO. I wouldn't drum up a list of reasons or excuses as to why I don't or wouldn't want to have sex with my W. It would be plain and simple, I've lost interest in sex with my W due to long term high expectations of wanting to have intimacy with her only to be let down with the lowest of expectations. Like I said, I am numb of it all. Just shear physical friction alone is enough to get my soldier standing at attention. That being said if she is just there for the act itself and not into it as she says or claims she wants to be it'll be pretty tough to convince me otherwise. You even hinted at that you knew almost right away and it didn't sound as if you were going from 0 to 100 your first time back in the saddle so..... Regardless, I am excited for the next chapter of my life. This was something that I have been thinking about since I heard her (the W) tell me the very first time that she didn't want to have sex for fear of getting pregnant again. That was all she kept claiming. Now, in a few short weeks, we'll find out if that still holds true. That's not a high expectation, it's just a validation or exposure of what she says. Thanks for the feedback.....! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2017 14:31:01 GMT -5
I have a few different topics to speak to:
1) I'm calling bullshit on your wife. The fear of pregnancy is an excuse not a reason. She doesn't like sex. I doubt your sex life is going to turn around with her.
2) you are a counter refuser if you don't want sex with her.
3) go after what you want for yourself and live an authentic life.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 27, 2017 14:57:25 GMT -5
If she isn't helping to Empty the tank of swimmers now, she won't be interested when there are no swimmers later.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 27, 2017 15:07:52 GMT -5
doneanddone, in honesty, I agree with both bballgirl and hopingforachange. But now that you've done your part, give it a try. FWIW, I went down a similar path with similar lack of engagement. In my case, the vasectomy was an alternative to pills or tubes tied, at her request. I didn't have any expectation that it'd increase the frequency, and it didn't.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2017 16:27:58 GMT -5
doneanddone I think that you have made great strides in resolving your SM. You have removed one of her stated obstacles. Now if she keeps bringing up obstacles you can control, than you can do what you reasonably can do on those. But if she brings up her own appearance or physical problems, then she should be actively working on those, but if she is not, then she is not interested in being married to you. I think if she was to actively try to improve your sex life, then you would probably still be interested. But if she continues to make excuse after excuse, then you will know that she is not going to try to improve things. BTW, even if your W does not improve, a vasectomy will greatly improve your sex life after you are freed.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2017 17:10:30 GMT -5
If she isn't helping to Empty the tank of swimmers now, she won't be interested when there are no swimmers later. I agree. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 27, 2017 17:14:04 GMT -5
Those same "obstacles" that she can't overcome where there when she agreed to marry you. Like most of us, you where mislead. So why should she have to change anything now?
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Post by baza on Jun 27, 2017 18:13:53 GMT -5
One can't accurately predict the future - particularly when it involves another person. But you can make some pretty obvious estimations based on what has gone on in the past. Based on the history you have divulged in your stories so far Brother doneanddone , by 28th September 2017, in 3 months time, your missus' "why" will be exposed for the bullshit it was / is, and you will have a sex life identical to what you have now. The only difference will be that you will by then be sterile. I am actually very anti gambling, but even I would be prepared to make a modest wager on that outcome. But, I would sincerely like to lose on that bet. |
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Post by beachguy on Jun 27, 2017 20:04:32 GMT -5
@ doneanddone I spent 10 years, in total celibacy (and I mean not even a touch), pondering your question. And when I finally tried to call time on the farce of a marriage we had, she tried to fuck me back into the marriage. But you know what, it really was about 10 years too late. So you are right to ponder that question. It was a total mind fuck for me, but I had not found EP or later this site yet. You have the benefit of researching counter-refusal here, so you may better deal with it than I did if it happens. |
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Post by csl on Jun 27, 2017 21:52:41 GMT -5
BTW, even if your W does not improve, a vasectomy will greatly improve your sex life after you are freed. This reminded me of a line from the Vasectomy Song by The Limelighters. |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 27, 2017 22:06:51 GMT -5
I would probably agree with @bbgirl and the others who say that it will probably not work. But it might. If I might suggest anything, try it and go slow. You have built up a lot of resentment towards her, and she probably has a lot of anxiety over you. If it's going to work, you are going to have to find out what attraction brought you two together. I tried it with my wife, and it didn't work out. When we first dated, we made out listening to Simply Red. I booked a nice weekend at a bed and breakfast complete with a hot tub in the bedroom. I put on Simply Red, then she told me that she didn't like their music. I should have ended our marriage then and there.
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