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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 10, 2017 12:24:46 GMT -5
Therapy has helped us tremendously....we should've done it years ago; but we didn't because we both were scarred from previous shrink experiences dealing with non relationship issues. We are also both highly committed and motivated to work through our junk. I think my wife also really understood for the first time how important sex is to a relationship; and is only now fully embracing it. That's wonderful! Does "embracing it" mean that she now enjoys and wants sex with you, that she is seeking it out with you and initiating it with you on a level that makes you also feel desired? |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 14:18:00 GMT -5
Therapy has helped us tremendously....we should've done it years ago; but we didn't because we both were scarred from previous shrink experiences dealing with non relationship issues. We are also both highly committed and motivated to work through our junk. I think my wife also really understood for the first time how important sex is to a relationship; and is only now fully embracing it. That's wonderful! Does "embracing it" mean that she now enjoys and wants sex with you, that she is seeking it out with you and initiating it with you on a level that makes you also feel desired? , the sarcasm is on pretty thick there LOL However, you do pose a very good question and I'd also be curious as to the response. |
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Post by bluebirdday on Jul 11, 2017 0:38:42 GMT -5
Therapy has helped us tremendously....we should've done it years ago; but we didn't because we both were scarred from previous shrink experiences dealing with non relationship issues. We are also both highly committed and motivated to work through our junk. I think my wife also really understood for the first time how important sex is to a relationship; and is only now fully embracing it. That's wonderful! Does "embracing it" mean that she now enjoys and wants sex with you, that she is seeking it out with you and initiating it with you on a level that makes you also feel desired? Good question! And no, I didn't see any sarcasm in your above post...took it at face value. It's a question that I have asked myself many times for a reality check/slap. Yes, she now enjoys/wants sex with me. Yes, she is initiating....even in the daytime which she never used to be game for. What I am still evaluating is: "on a level that makes me feel desired" .....yes, clearly she does desire me, but this still falls short of my AP. However, the level of passion and openness, is still a work in progress. And I have a higher libido....is her level of desire/passion high enough to sustain? I think so...and Its getting there. Time will tell. |
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Post by merrygoround on Jul 11, 2017 1:26:55 GMT -5
Just a question - why are you still in daily contact with your former AP?
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Post by wom360 on Jul 11, 2017 7:35:37 GMT -5
Hysterical bonding. It's temporary, similar to reset sex.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 10:21:39 GMT -5
...and here I was rooting for the AP, poor thing. So was I at the time. If I didn't have young children, I would've left my wife for my AP. Closing that door of intimacy with my AP, was a super tough move. Although I'm still in touch daily with my AP. OK, yeah, I wondered. I, also, was rooting for your AP. I was prepared to be really angry if you broke her heart! ;-) |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 11, 2017 11:35:05 GMT -5
Hysterical bonding. It's temporary, similar to reset sex. Hysterical bonding is indeed a common outcome after an infidelity. It's potent for as long as it lasts. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 11, 2017 11:43:00 GMT -5
That's wonderful! Does "embracing it" mean that she now enjoys and wants sex with you, that she is seeking it out with you and initiating it with you on a level that makes you also feel desired? , the sarcasm is on pretty thick there LOL However, you do pose a very good question and I'd also be curious as to the response. :-) I'm not intending sarcasm, but you would be correct in noting that I'm keeping my eye on the prize. I spent a lot of time in family therapy having lots of "progress" in which my partner might have "come to understand the importance" of sexual relations and "good communication". The two of us used a lot of weasel words to discuss what we think might be bona fide progress as defined by our overall ability to communicate and improve our interpersonal relationship on many levels; however, it didn't make her feel desire for me - and the results of that were predictable. We didn't "restore" a sense of active attraction, as if that unique attraction was a default state just waiting for someone to reconnect two wires and hook us up again. It restored is to a state of attraction where what she felt with me was likely somewhat just less than zero. It's worth noting that when she cheated on me, and when my buddy's wife cheated on her, we both embarked on a period of what's called hysterical bonding. That's near insane level, intense, hysterical sex, that's at least somewhat reciprocal. That period lasted about a month and a half or so - maybe two, before her guilt began to assuage enough for the lack of desire to assert itself again and refusals and reluctance set in once more. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2017 11:47:32 GMT -5
Apocrypha , the sarcasm is on pretty thick there LOL However, you do pose a very good question and I'd also be curious as to the response. :-) I'm not intending sarcasm, but you would be correct in noting that I'm keeping my eye on the prize. I spent a lot of time in family therapy having lots of "progress" in which my partner might have "come to understand the importance" of sexual relations and "good communication". The two of us used a lot of weasel words to discuss what we think might be bona fide progress as defined by our overall ability to communicate and improve our interpersonal relationship on many levels; however, it didn't make her feel desire for me - and the results of that were predictable. We didn't "restore" a sense of active attraction, as if that unique attraction was a default state just waiting for someone to reconnect two wires and hook us up again. It restored is to a state of attraction where what she felt with me was likely somewhat just less than zero. It's worth noting that when she cheated on me, and when my buddy's wife cheated on her, we both embarked on a period of what's called hysterical bonding. That's near insane level, intense, hysterical sex, that's at least somewhat reciprocal. That period lasted about a month and a half or so - maybe two, before her guilt began to assuage enough for the lack of desire to assert itself again and refusals and reluctance set in once more. Sounds like a hell of a ride! Glad you're off that particular hamster wheel, brother. |
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Post by bluebirdday on Jul 11, 2017 11:58:16 GMT -5
Just a question - why are you still in daily contact with your former AP? I'm still in touch with my AP for a number of reasons: Primarily for mutual emotional support....she has been in a sexless relationship for the last 7 years. Staying in touch with my AP was part of the deal with my W when agreeing to stopping the romance.....because I had clearly communicated with W that I would be outsourcing two years ago. I'm not treating this as a secret affair. Professionally we help each other out in our flying worlds: she can give me biannual flight reviews, she wants float time/instruction from me. We both do Barre workouts in our separate cities; fun to exchange/share. I foresee that we will remain close friends for years to come, and that's what we have been for the last 18 years. I also want to leave the door open for possible reconnecting in the future if my relationship with W tanks. If kids (mine) and 30+years of history were not part of the picture, I would've joined with AP in a heartbeat. I've never connected with someone so mutually before on so many levels. I'm still not totally convinced that reconnecting with W is a done deal.....time and progress will tell |
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Post by bluebirdday on Jul 11, 2017 15:31:52 GMT -5
Apocrypha , the sarcasm is on pretty thick there LOL However, you do pose a very good question and I'd also be curious as to the response. :-) I'm not intending sarcasm, but you would be correct in noting that I'm keeping my eye on the prize. I spent a lot of time in family therapy having lots of "progress" in which my partner might have "come to understand the importance" of sexual relations and "good communication". The two of us used a lot of weasel words to discuss what we think might be bona fide progress as defined by our overall ability to communicate and improve our interpersonal relationship on many levels; however, it didn't make her feel desire for me - and the results of that were predictable. We didn't "restore" a sense of active attraction, as if that unique attraction was a default state just waiting for someone to reconnect two wires and hook us up again. It restored is to a state of attraction where what she felt with me was likely somewhat just less than zero. It's worth noting that when she cheated on me, and when my buddy's wife cheated on her, we both embarked on a period of what's called hysterical bonding. That's near insane level, intense, hysterical sex, that's at least somewhat reciprocal. That period lasted about a month and a half or so - maybe two, before her guilt began to assuage enough for the lack of desire to assert itself again and refusals and reluctance set in once more. Interesting background/perspective. I was wondering about your story, but never took the time to read your earlier posts. Yep, I'm keeping my eye on the prize as well. Your concept of hysterical sex makes sense. I could be experiencing some form of that, in terms of frequency, however our sex has been rather plain, and so far primarily one sided with me doing most of the initiating and her more in a accepting and enjoying role. I'm trying to back off a bit and get a better feel for her initiative. A larger spectrum of sex is a new concept for her and something she knows is important to me. Not too sure how it will turn out |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2017 15:49:12 GMT -5
Hysterical bonding. It's temporary, similar to reset sex. High-intensity reset sex. Seems like a super letdown once it's over. Like a massive hangover. Glad I never went through that. Plain vanilla reset sex self-loathing is bad enough. |
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Post by csl on Jul 11, 2017 20:21:42 GMT -5
Hysterical bonding. It's temporary, similar to reset sex. Maybe. Maybe not. |
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