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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 22, 2017 8:48:49 GMT -5
I also would have only seen my kids every other weekend, This is exactly why I stay. The ONLY reason. I just can't live with this outcome. I would rather be stuck in SM land than to be an absentee father. I see no reason my taker/refuser would agree to any other custody deal. This is the deal her brother got and I'm sure she will demand the same standard. Only 7 more years. I will be 45 and still young enough. I can do this! I was 46. I got out after 3 celibate years. Though - averages for the prior 5 yrs were probably less 6 times per year. You CAN do this. But I'd suggest getting personal counseling to prevent the bad effects (psychological, emotional, spiritual) of the next few years. Self-esteem takes a thrashing in the "final throes" years of SM. Depression can be very sneaky. You'll benefit from talk therapy to protect from, or at least lessen, the graver effects. Good luck navigating! |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 22, 2017 9:08:30 GMT -5
My marriage was near sexless for years, while we would have sex, the W viewed it as a duty and not a intimate experience. That's too everyone here that I have realized what I needed and why the sex while it physically felt good emotionally was a void.
I slowly went into a depression. It was like a death of a thousand cuts. While one cut is no big deal, they slowly added up.
Now, I am staying in my marriage because my W has choose to change. She is trying to undo the crap her mother brain washed into her.
I am beginning to think that if her mom grew up now, instead of 60 years ago in a extremely conservative area, she would be a lesbian.
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Post by JMX on Jun 22, 2017 23:12:49 GMT -5
Oh to be 4 months ago - still 39!
Just kidding - it wouldn't have changed shit. I am with whoever posted about being young and not having kids - get out! As much as I might say, get the fuck out no matter the kids' ages - I haven't done it yet - I do not expect you to either.
I have finally gotten enough worked out on other fronts where the only thing keeping me here is I am, sincerely, 50/50 on whether or not it is better or worse for the kids. If I can get to a solid 60/40 on either side, I feel like I could make a solid decision. For now, I guess that IS my 60/40 in staying. They are so good now, I don't want to ruin it. I am also a much happier parent having dealt with (and dealing with) the other issues.
Seriously, good luck to you younguns! Us old people are cheering for you.
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Post by baza on Jun 23, 2017 0:31:35 GMT -5
Irrespective of age, the common rule of choice governs us all.
It may well have been the avoidant spouses choice that started the trip to dysfunctionality.
But the obligation of choice then swung over to us.
Do we stay in the sub-optimal situation or do we not ?
Staying, to cop more of the same is not an especially attractive choice.
Leaving, with all the uncertainty and pain involved doesn't look any more appealing.
The temptation is, to "sit this one out".
In other words - don't choose.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as "sitting this one out".
If you do not or will not, or can not choose, then the default kicks in which is for the status quo to continue.
In effect, you choose to stay. And you will wear all the consequences of that choice, just as surely as if you had made a rational fully reasoned choice to stay.
No-one gets a pass on choice. No-one gets to "sit this one out".
No-one.
What you end up choosing is entirely on you. Entirely.
There is no "right" choice, both are perfectly legitimate choices, but in an ILIASM situation the choices are pretty unappealing.
But the fact that the choices are all pretty unappealing doesn't get you a pass either.
All I would suggest is that you make your choice on a fully informed basis.
Given that you are in an ILIASM deal, you have a vast first hand knowledge of what that is like.
What you don't have is first hand knowledge of what NOT being in an ILIASM deal might look like.
Hence the continual suggestion to see a lawyer etc to get as much knowledge about this option as you possibly can.
So you can make a fully informed choice.
What I would counsel - and in the strongest possible terms - is that you do not adopt a position of trying to "sit this one out".
There is no such choice, because if you DO take this position, you actually have chosen to stay, and the consequences of that choice will accrue on you just as certainly as if you had deliberately chosen to stay.
Choice is a bitch.
But no-one gets a pass.
No-one.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2017 12:44:05 GMT -5
My advice to those that are 20 or 30 years my juniors (I just turned 50--but I'm immature at heart so I feel younger). There is no one answer and the psychological issues involved on both sides of the SM equation are mostly intractable. There were years, strings of years, heck probably even a decade in there where I came at the basic mismatch from every possible angle with the hope of "fixing it". I read forums, books, medical journals thinking that there MUST be an explanation, there MUST be a way to repair what is broken in my primary life relationship.
There well may be an explanation for most of us but there usually isn't a fix. I have chosen to stay but there are still times where I regret that and I wonder what I missed. But I caution you to make that conscious choice. Own it. Stay and make it work was my choice. Choosing to leave may be yours but there has to be a moment in time where you take charge and decide.
But, alas, I am posting on this forum. I am here and writing. Proof that the choice may not settle it fully in your mind but you'll take back charge of your life whether that life is new and unknown or not.
I wish you all the best.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 23, 2017 16:58:29 GMT -5
My husband says I am like a seventeen year old boy. I think I may have the youngest libido.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 23, 2017 18:04:47 GMT -5
My husband says I am like a seventeen year old boy. I think I may have the youngest libido. It's only because he has the libido of a corpse. |
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Post by solodriver on Jun 23, 2017 21:31:37 GMT -5
I feel like I have the libido of a 20 year old, definitely a born-again virgin.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 24, 2017 10:26:44 GMT -5
In leaving, & owning that choice, I found myself pleased with how I handled the choices about living arrangements. I counted a lot of my "choice work" in the Proud Of column, in the divorce procedure.
Then I made a series of poor choices, most involving alcohol and/or Loverman (or both). A bunch of those landed me at a "bottom" as they say.
Grabbing my only weapon again, choice, I used it well & have turned my life to good direction & purpose once again.
What got me out of my SM was a need for fulfillment. I thought sexual fulfillment would be the end-all be-all, to be honest. But - I got sober along the way. And a huge part of staying sober is to make my whole life fulfilling- truly sorting all my shit. I thought I had "sorted my own shit" in exit planning. But truth is, real life on my own, in a support group, actually single now - I had a lot of emotional, spiritual, & material-plane issues that I just had not dealt with in 20+ yrs (or more, in the case of childhood shit never properly resolved).
So now - if you are in your 20's doesn't matter. If you're in your 40's or 60's or any age - if your daily life & primary relationships leave you sucked dry of energy in a disheartening way - then you are doing your life wrong. Run away from toxic people. Create & maintain healthy personal boundaries for your own good & to support others to live free of enmeshment.
The new lovingly detached in a supportive way feels like a good approach for me right now.
Live for joy & happiness & help others in a non-controlling way. If they leave you drained instead of supported, try to teach them better how to make you feel loved. If they cannot, or will not, or just won't - then I would leave.
I wasn't aware of being "unhappy" until around year 22 or 23. I found EP around 24.5 yrs together. I was moved out by 25 yrs together.
Don't waste 2 decades. Give it a shot at "fixing" - take as long as you want. I hope it won't take 20 yrs for you - but I certainly can't judge because that's how long it took for me to see the dynamic we had built on was so unhealthy.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 24, 2017 11:02:17 GMT -5
In leaving, & owning that choice, I found myself pleased with how I handled the choices about living arrangements. I counted a lot of my "choice work" in the Proud Of column, in the divorce procedure. Then I made a series of poor choices, most involving alcohol and/or Loverman (or both). A bunch of those landed me at a "bottom" as they say. Grabbing my only weapon again, choice, I used it well & have turned my life to good direction & purpose once again. What got me out of my SM was a need for fulfillment. I thought sexual fulfillment would be the end-all be-all, to be honest. But - I got sober along the way. And a huge part of staying sober is to make my whole life fulfilling- truly sorting all my shit. I thought I had "sorted my own shit" in exit planning. But truth is, real life on my own, in a support group, actually single now - I had a lot of emotional, spiritual, & material-plane issues that I just had not dealt with in 20+ yrs (or more, in the case of childhood shit never properly resolved). So now - if you are in your 20's doesn't matter. If you're in your 40's or 60's or any age - if your daily life & primary relationships leave you sucked dry of energy in a disheartening way - then you are doing your life wrong. Run away from toxic people. Create & maintain healthy personal boundaries for your own good & to support others to live free of enmeshment. The new lovingly detached in a supportive way feels like a good approach for me right now. Live for joy & happiness & help others in a non-controlling way. If they leave you drained instead of supported, try to teach them better how to make you feel loved. If they cannot, or will not, or just won't - then I would leave. I wasn't aware of being "unhappy" until around year 22 or 23. I found EP around 24.5 yrs together. I was moved out by 25 yrs together. Don't waste 2 decades. Give it a shot at "fixing" - take as long as you want. I hope it won't take 20 yrs for you - but I certainly can't judge because that's how long it took for me to see the dynamic we had built on was so unhealthy. Bravo! Grantgeek! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 24, 2017 14:50:34 GMT -5
Don't waste 2 decades. Give it a shot at "fixing" - take as long as you want. I hope it won't take 20 yrs for you - but I certainly can't judge because that's how long it took for me to see the dynamic we had built on was so unhealthy. I think the key is making an informed decision. Many (most) of us have stayed because it was the default choice, we thought we were alone in our plight, and we had hopes it would get better. That can string you along for decades (me included). This site does a good job of helping folks take the blinders off, consider a bigger perspective, and decide accordingly. |
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