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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 20, 2017 12:45:09 GMT -5
Or you could be three people just over 17. Not sure how much further you want to go. It could get creepy fast. That made me think of this: if I didn't have to be an even split, I'd probably choose to be 35 and 18... both ages seem ideal (to me now) as ages from which to reboot my life, career, relationships... and sex life. Sorry to turn a light-hearted thread serious, but anyone in this "under 40 club" -- PLEASE take to heart the advice of us in the "over 40 club": if you are considering your own "reboot": BE REALISTIC. If your marriage has zero chance of being the intimate companionship you desperately want and definitely deserve, PULL THE PLUG SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. Yes, OK, we've heard it: kids yada yada yada. Finances yada yada yada. Family expectations yada yada yada. But -- listen -- it never really gets easier to leave your marriage. You are a giver, and are giving as much as you can bear right now. It is unlikely that you will suddenly become wealthy enough to divorce with complete financial comfort. (So waiting for that point in time is unrealistic.) Kids will take some bruises... but they are also taking bruises by you staying. (Think of how they will be nourished when you personally are in a more nourished place.) If you are going to do it, do it soon. That gives you more runway in which to launch "You 2.0". While I truly do appreciate your advice and your good intentions, since you yourself lived through it you surely know that hearing "Now is the perfect time to pull the plug! Move on before you waste more of your life!" doesn't just make me magically feel ready to do it. And therein lies the problem - you likely feel you know better (and probably rightfully so) and would like to help each one of us, but for me, since I haven't fully lived it yet, I can't possibly just take you on your word and completely up-haul my life until I feel like it is the right decision for me. Otherwise, I would always be wondering if it was the wrong decision. We all need to make our choices in our own time, whether we're 35 or 65. Gotta wade through my own personal shit-filled hole to come out the other side (in whatever form that other side will take) or I'll always be wondering if the tunnel only appeared to be shit- filled but if I had just examined more closely, I could wipe away some of that shit to reveal gold under the surface. (Or even some sterling silver. I'll take that at this point.) |
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Post by Dan on Jun 20, 2017 13:04:21 GMT -5
Sorry to turn a light-hearted thread serious, but anyone in this "under 40 club" -- PLEASE take to heart the advice of us in the "over 40 club": if you are considering your own "reboot": BE REALISTIC. If your marriage has zero chance of being the intimate companionship you desperately want and definitely deserve, PULL THE PLUG SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. ... If you are going to do it, do it soon. That gives you more runway in which to launch "You 2.0". While I truly do appreciate your advice and your good intentions, since you yourself lived through it you surely know that hearing "Now is the perfect time to pull the plug! Move on before you waste more of your life!" doesn't just make me magically feel ready to do it. And therein lies the problem ... for me, since I haven't fully lived it yet, I can't possibly just take you on your word and completely up-haul my life until I feel like it is the right decision for me. Otherwise, I would always be wondering if it was the wrong decision. ... I fully understand... and agree! Everyone needs to work this out in their own time, and in their own way. My voice is just a nudge. It may be helpful to some. I think I say it because I believe it would have been helpful to "younger me". I too have been wondering if divorce for me would be a "wrong decision". Or, as I like to think of it, I have been wandering the valley of "What To Do About My Sexless Marriage" for about eight years. I came here by way of the road of "What to Do About My Marriage With Just A Trickle of Sex and Intimacy". Shoot, that valley doesn't look half bad now, but I really can't go back there, even if I could find my way back. Along the way there have been many therapy sessions (individual and marital), many sleepless nights, many tears, many anguished hours. I have met some wonderful souls, even had some great sex. I have found my "clan" by finding EP ILIASM, and then I helped build my clan a boat by being one of the founders of this forum. I have also raised four kids who are becoming productive adults, compassionate hearts, and world citizens. For me, all of that that has been the process to get me sure of my decision. Godspeed to all who are wandering the same valley, no matter your age. May whatever exit from this valley you pick bring you happiness. And may your sojourn here be as brief has possible. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 20, 2017 13:08:51 GMT -5
To all you 20 and 30 year olds, my humble advice is get out now .
The sooner the better .
Unless you are able to deal with it.
Do not expect it to get better .
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2017 14:09:28 GMT -5
While I truly do appreciate your advice and your good intentions, since you yourself lived through it you surely know that hearing "Now is the perfect time to pull the plug! Move on before you waste more of your life!" doesn't just make me magically feel ready to do it. And therein lies the problem - you likely feel you know better (and probably rightfully so) and would like to help each one of us, but for me, since I haven't fully lived it yet, I can't possibly just take you on your word and completely up-haul my life until I feel like it is the right decision for me. Otherwise, I would always be wondering if it was the wrong decision. We all need to make our choices in our own time, whether we're 35 or 65. Gotta wade through my own personal shit-filled hole to come out the other side (in whatever form that other side will take) or I'll always be wondering if the tunnel only appeared to be shit- filled but if I had just examined more closely, I could wipe away some of that shit to reveal gold under the surface. (Or even some sterling silver. I'll take that at this point.) This is exactly why I hesitate to advise people to RUN RUN RUN!!! You are not ready yet. I was not ready at your age either. When I was 35, I had a 10 yr old, an 4 yr old, and was just starting my legal career. I had school loans to pay and if I had divorced, I would have to pay 25% of my net income as child support. I also would have only seen my kids every other weekend, and 30 days in the summer. My refuser would have probably tried to move them out of town, so that would have been an issue. Also, she would have been bashing me to them when they were very young and impressionable. So I avoided all of those issues. I say this because I certainly understand your position. So I do say that if you have kids, you have to make a decision as to whether you want to wait until they are grown. If you do, your refuser has some years to change. As unlikely as that is, it is a possibility. The other side is that you are going to lose part of yourself over that time. I feel that I am getting myself back, but it is slow going. However, if you don't have kids, I advise you to move more quickly. In that circumstance, I would advise a sexually refused spouse to tell the refuser that he/she is not satisfied sexually, and the marriage cannot be sustained as it is. Then I think the refused spouse should give the refuser a set time to make changes, but no more than 6 months. If a refuser will not change by that time, he/she is unlikely to change at all. As always, just my opinion. |
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Post by JonDoe on Jun 20, 2017 20:15:14 GMT -5
To all you 20 and 30 year olds, my humble advice is get out now . The sooner the better . Unless you are able to deal with it. Do not expect it to get better . I disagree with this as a blanket statement based solely on age. I think each scenario can be quite different including, but not limited to, things such as inexperience, relationship issues, career or financial related stress, death of a loved one, sexual abuse, sexual orientation, depression, anxiety, complications during pregnancy, postpartum depression, pain during intercourse, health issues, etc. First talk to your spouse letting him/her know that you love them dearly and how the lack of intimacy is impacting you. Also ask if the lack of intimacy is impacting your spouse. Then try to agree on steps to positively move forward, which may include steps such as scheduling date nights, adjusting the share of household chores, seeking expert medical opinion, marriage counseling, sex therapist or whatever is suitable to your specific circumstances. However, I agree that if you have been married several years, regardless of age, and your spouse routinely shows little to no interest in sex, and more importantly, no interest in how it's impacting you and/or no effort towards identifying and resolving the issue, then by all means find the nearest exit. Whatever you do, don't invest 20+ years like me. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 20, 2017 20:35:20 GMT -5
Sure I'll agree with this.
Just keep in mind that the longer one is married the harder it is to get out.
Like the mob.
Or Ikea.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 20, 2017 20:45:24 GMT -5
I'm 18. Just ignore the age range beneath my avatar  |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 20, 2017 20:48:31 GMT -5
Sure I'll agree with this. Just keep in mind that the longer one is married the harder it is to get out. Like the mob. Or Ikea. SM as now been compared to being in the Mob. Or Ikea. You can get out of Ikea, you just need to spend money to do so and there's not necessarily any emotional attachment. Or is there? These are the times I question how fucked up I really am. example: I zero'd in on the word "harder", and out of context before reading the rest of your post. Fuck I need to get laid. |
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Post by baza on Jun 20, 2017 20:56:33 GMT -5
56 is the exact correct and definitive answer to the question of what age you should be to get out. You may wonder how I know the answer to this vexatious question. Well, that was the age I got out, so it must be right. itme - you got 18 years to go choosinghappy - 21 for you laura - you have 22 to serve @dan - 4 mrslowmaintenance - 3 decades ahead for you h - 24 years tiffanyc - approx 25 years hopingforachange - 21 to go darktippedrose - 23 years to suffer meerin - 23 also. @sweetplumaria - 14 years to go justjillian - 23 years To here, 12 responders, ave years to go = 20.75 |
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 20, 2017 21:00:23 GMT -5
Sure I'll agree with this. Just keep in mind that the longer one is married the harder it is to get out. Like the mob. Or Ikea. SM as now been compared to being in the Mob. Or Ikea. You can get out of Ikea, you just need to spend money to do so and there's not necessarily any emotional attachment. Or is there? These are the times I question how fucked up I really am. example: I zero'd in on the word "harder", and out of context before reading the rest of your post. Fuck I need to get laid.  They have a term for that...  |
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justjillian
Junior Member
Mom of 2, married 7 years
Posts: 28 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by justjillian on Jun 20, 2017 21:02:30 GMT -5
I am 33. Still hoping it will get better.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 20, 2017 21:03:15 GMT -5
SM as now been compared to being in the Mob. Or Ikea. You can get out of Ikea, you just need to spend money to do so and there's not necessarily any emotional attachment. Or is there? These are the times I question how fucked up I really am. example: I zero'd in on the word "harder", and out of context before reading the rest of your post. Fuck I need to get laid. They have a term for that... They have a term for EVERYTHING, but this one confuses me. I mean, I love having a dickpressed into my warm, hot loins.... Dammit there I go again. |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Jun 20, 2017 21:07:23 GMT -5
56 is the exact correct and definitive answer to the question of what age you should be to get out. You may wonder how I know the answer to this vexatious question. Well, that was the age I got out, so it must be right. itme - you got 18 years to go choosinghappy - 21 for you laura - you have 22 to serve @dan - 4 mrslowmaintenance - 3 decades ahead for you h - 24 years Ugh, that's a brutal reality check, Baza. Can any of y'all take it that much longer? I sure AF can't! |
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Post by JonDoe on Jun 20, 2017 21:10:46 GMT -5
Amen Sister!!! I'm not sure if I'll yell "Yaaaaaaahooooooo!" or cry tears of joy immediately after my next-first time, but I'm sure it will be wonderful! |
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Post by baza on Jun 20, 2017 21:28:08 GMT -5
56 is the exact correct and definitive answer to the question of what age you should be to get out. You may wonder how I know the answer to this vexatious question. Well, that was the age I got out, so it must be right. itme - you got 18 years to go choosinghappy - 21 for you laura - you have 22 to serve @dan - 4 mrslowmaintenance - 3 decades ahead for you h - 24 years Ugh, that's a brutal reality check, Baza. Can any of y'all take it that much longer? I sure AF can't! The ability of the homosapien to endure is quite remarkable Sister laura I'd be betting that you CAN endure it. We could debate whether that is such a great idea to aspire to, but it is certainly achievable. I personally went for near enough to 3 decades - I guess I was the mrslowmaintenance of my era ! |
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