What Are Your Chances of a Robust Sexual Life ?

That's a hard truth. If I try to proposition and I am refused, then I likely fall into 2 or 3, which hurts like a boulder hitting me in the face. However, its truth. It hurts to realize that I fall in the category of 2 or 3. Well, at least it feels like it because I have failed at number one for years. Ugh! I deserve better.

None here

bran127
Your spouse was never interested greatly in sex as I recall from your back story.
He might be "generally" sexually indifferent, including being indifferent to you "specifically".
A small distinction, which doesn't help anyway.
Your chances look like 0 unfortunately.

My H claimed he was attracted to me, fancied me but that didn't make any difference. His attitude is that sex is only a small part of marriage and therefore way down on the priority list. I will just chalk it up to incompatibility.

Although it doesn't matter, i am interested in whether most have partners that are indifferent or averse to them. My wife is categorically averse to me. She is now basically bragging about this. I think she is likely averse to sex generally, but i doubt that there is a human being alive that could jump through enough of the choreplay/worship hoops to get her to open up anyway.

My chances here are zero. My chances elsewhere are possibly zero as well, but as they say, fuck it, i am out the door in under two months and counting.

I think Baza has left out 3 crucial additional possibilities...

(d) - attracted to your gender (or perhaps any gender) sexually
(e) - indifferent to your gender (or perhaps any gender) sexually
(f) - averse to your gender (or perhaps any gender) sexually

Your spouse *could* be gay (or attracted to the other gender as applicable) or asexual, or severely intimacy averse. The idea of "closet gays" coming out of the closet decades into a marriage are not unusual at all. As far as asexuality, anyone Why Chasing should spend some time on asexuality.org (AVEN) to try to see how their spouse might fit into that world. Now, whenever asexuality is brought up, the argument is advanced that asexuality is "rare" (their community claims 1%, but with little or no scientific/statistical evidence to back it up). But let's go with 1% for discussion purposes...

In the USA alone, which is probably the dominant country represented here (), there are 300 million people, and let's say 50 million couples. One-percenters are represented by 500,000 couples, each of which have at least one asexual partner. In the meantime, I doubt that even 1,000 refused spouses have ever posted here, but I don't know the member post count. That 1,000 people represent 0.002% of the USA population. But this is a worldwide site, I just don't have handle on the total population with "reasonable access" to this site. But that reduces the percentage of the population considerably. The point is that regardless of how rare asexuality is, the number of people posting here are well within a "reasonable" number of mixed sexual/asexual couples that might be posting here, on a statistical basis.

Now, Baza continually repeats the mantra"the reason doesn't matter". And in the final analysis he is correct. Regardless if your spouse is just not into you, or they aren't into your gender, or they just aren't into sex with anyone (except maybe themselves, asexuals can have libidos), it does NOT change your options- stay celibate, leave or cheat. But it does eliminate the certainty of the soul crushing idea (expressed by several members here) that their spouses are specifically not into *them*.  Maybe, but maybe not!

For example, @lonelywife ponders the idea that if she just lost a little weight and did a make-over, maybe that would help. In the meantime, her H told her...

1) He was sexually molested as a child, but was vague and nonspecific, offering no details "because it would be too painful". Possibly he is telling her the truth, or perhaps it is a convenient excuse to hide behind a fiction or perhaps a very minor childhood experience that many other people experience but don't turn into eunuchs. (sorry if I sound harsh but I'm cynical in general about these "excuses", partly because my own wife suggested she was raped as a child, equally nonspecific and it was probably excuse #15, after the first 14 excuses got old and tired or shot down based on facts)

2) More interestingly, "He said he feels like he's "missing the [sex drive] gene". ( a direct quote from @lonelywife).

I can't think of a better description of asexuality. Coincidence or not? Certainly food for thought.

In scientific/statistical research there is a critical idea that says "correlation does not imply causation" (you can google that). It is entirely possible that even if he was sexually abused, he may have been asexual to begin with. He could also be a closet gay who happened to be sexually abused (or not!) as a child.

One final thought if you are Why Chasing the idea you are just not attractive to your spouse... here is a quote from a post today by h :



His wife is totally delusional.  She's gaslighting the doctor, leading the doc into left field to some sperm problem with h , and she has the audacity to do it right in front of her refused partner?  And the truth is, this type of gaslighting is not the exception here.  I experienced this, endlessly, with my wife.  And because this is so common here, I am at least suspicious of @lonelywife's husband's "sexual abuse excuse".  I think it far more likely that his admission that he has ZERO sex drive was a rare moment of honesty.  He told her, flat out, that he is not interested in fucking her, or anyone else.

And I had a similar "rare moment of honesty" about 10 years into my marriage, during a sex argument, when my wife said "I never, ever think about sex, and (my bff) is the same way".  Bringing up her bff to somehow bolster the "normalcy" of that.  Her statement was totally devastating to me.  I never heard that again, but I did hear numerous other ever shifting excuses over the years.  Years later she tried to deny ever saying that, suggesting she had never, ever talked about sex with her bff.  But I know what I heard because it was so devastating.

Personally I think there is a high incidence of gay/asexual/other "terminal" sexual issues represented among our spouses.  It is probably a statistical inevitability.  I can't prove it or argue it with authority, it is just a strong feeling, especially after spending quite a bit of time researching the asexual angle (I strongly believe my wife is at least gray-asexual, because that "model" fits the facts of our marriage history too well to ignore).  Or I was good enough to marry, the day before the wedding, but I was such a dickhead starting (literally) the day after that I was unworthy of fucking.  I have my own application of Occam's Razor to that factual observation.  And I also note that the stories among sexuals posting their tribulations on AVEN are indistinguishable from the stories posted here, with one exception:  the sexuals that find AVEN generally do so because their spouses have disclosed their self identifying asexual label to them, giving them something concrete to Google.  And a large percentage of self identifying asexuals that frequent AVEN are also bi/gay/totally confused what they are.

And in closing, all I'm saying here is that just because your spouse is not into *you* does not mean it *necessarily* has anything at all to do with you.  There are at least 6 total possible fundamental options to Baza's list in the OP here.

beachguy she didn't intentionally mislead the doctor, she just didn't correct him. He was a surgeon we were never planning on seeing again anyway. My point was that I don't start arguments that aren't necessary. Stirring the pot at that time wouldn't have helped me at all. We have yet to be back in to see her regular gyno doc so no assumption can be made about her intent at that time. Once I see how she is at that appointment, then I will be able to see if it was intentional or just not wanting to prolong the conversation back then.