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Post by Dan on Jul 5, 2017 14:56:49 GMT -5
The therapist made us come up with expectations, mine was to consistently have sex both PIV and oral. But the bigger thing is her wanting to have physical intimacy. Hers was about saving the marriage and coming to grips with how much pain that has happened over the years. To me, the marriage can't be saved unless the sex side is fixed. I can't live like how we were before. It is scary that it might be a honeymoon period, I know I am still waiting to wake up one day for the sex and the connection to be gone again. ... please read my thread " Forty Beads Method". Then consider buying the book pronto, give it a quick read (can do in an evening or two), then give it to her. It explains to a woman WHY they need to be open to sex in the marriage, and all the benefits that they will get from it. The author calls it "good husband behavior", and in your wife's case, it may include substantially more words of affirmation if you are sexually happy with the marriage... and THIS may make her want sex more. I do not recommend this thread/book to everyone; I only bring it up when I think it might actually help. If you have suddenly found she is open/available to sex, this MIGHT be just the right time. That said, I have recommended this about 20 times... and so far no one reports "it worked". So... sorry for that! But I'm convinced this is the right medicine for some couples. (Most ILIASMers are too far gone, which was my basic experience.) |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 5, 2017 15:12:23 GMT -5
Words of affirmation and touch are my top love languages.
Examples of words of affirmation my partner has said that make be glow:
When we are going out or are out at dinner, "you look beautiful@. Then he snaps my pix and puts it on FB with a cute note.
The first time we made love, when I took my clothes off, he said, "I didn't know you have such a beautiful body."
Sometimes he says as I take my clothes off for bed, "stand there and let me look at you."
When I get in bed and he holds me, "this is my favorite time of the day, getting to hold you""
Randomly such as when we are watching tv, "have I told you today that I love you?"
At sexy time, "I love to feel your body. Your skin is so smooth."
"You know how to turn me on"
"You look so lovely when you " (insert sex act).
And he shows appreciation for my doing household tasks like washing the floor, cooking. Yes, he thanks me and I do the same for the things he does. Neither of us is naturally neat so appreciation is a strong motivator for each of us"
And he tells me the things he likes about me such as my ability to connect with strangers by making small talk.
The secret to words of affirmation is they have to be true. Empty flattery is meaningless.
I bet your wife would appreciate a compliment on how she has been a better bed partner.
Oh, is oral a must for you? Not everyone does it nor do all women like giving it or getting it. Maybe your wife will get into it, but maybe she won't. From what you have described, she has changed a great deal in a short time and that's lots to appreciate.
Has she expressed with words how pleasing the sex has been for her? Has she expressed recently what she likes?
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 15:46:33 GMT -5
@dan
From reading a little about the 40 bead method, it sounds like something my W would have tried a about 6 months ago to keep the marriage. But she is working on turning around her feels of it from "the wife's duty" to something she want to do and enjoys.
The bead method sounds like something for a very low libido person and they want their partner to be happy. I would have been ok with that before but I need more then that now.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 16:03:28 GMT -5
northstarmomFor her she doesn't like words of affirmation about sex. And I have really been complimenting her on the change. Emotionally opening back up to the person that has caused so much pain is hard.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 5, 2017 16:34:55 GMT -5
Does she like sex or does she do it just for you? Trying To figure out why she does not like words of affirmation during sex.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 20:02:57 GMT -5
In the past she saw sex as the wife's duty, that has changed now to something she can enjoy and have fun with. I don't think she is comfortable with the new way of thinking yet. So when I make a compliment with sexually innuendos she doesn't like it.
She is ok with words of affirmation during sex but my vocabulary has to be flirted. I can't use curse or crude words.
But I also have to give her some time to adjust to the new sex life. It is almost like we are finally having a honeymoon and we have to refigure out everything about sex again.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 5, 2017 20:14:15 GMT -5
In the past she saw sex as the wife's duty, that has changed now to something she can enjoy and have fun with. I don't think she is comfortable with the new way of thinking yet. So when I make a compliment with sexually innuendos she doesn't like it. She is ok with words of affirmation during sex but my vocabulary has to be flirted. I can't use curse or crude words. But I also have to give her some time to adjust to the new sex life. It is almost like we are finally having a honeymoon and we have to refigure out everything about sex again. Sounds like she's struggling to accept sex as normal. Focus on the "Hi beautiful", "You look so nice", "you're so sweet and you have no idea how much I appreciate all you've done", AND... "Wow honey - have you lost weight? You look amazing!" Hahahaha!!!! XOXO! |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 20:30:11 GMT -5
Venus ErotesI agree she is struggling with adjusting to what our sex life will be and discarding what she thought was normal from her parents modeling a sexless marriage.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 5, 2017 20:38:47 GMT -5
I think there are lots of women who enjoy sex but not crude language during it. To enjoy the crude language, the woman Needs a lot of trust in her partner and she needs a rock solid belief that sex isn't something sinful or something that will cause the man to reject her. Lots of men may enjoy sex but think a woman who does isn't fit to bring home to mom. They also may fear she'd cheat.
I only enjoy the crude language now because it's clear that my post sm lover thinks my sensuality is one of my best qualities. He also has proudly introduced me to his loved ones. I didn't believe that my sensuality was appreciated by previous partners. I felt it scared them.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 5, 2017 20:47:17 GMT -5
hopingforachange, this may be obvious, and it may be easier said than done... for me, it boils down to: * Be observant * Be appreciative * Be vocal If she looks nice, notice - and say so. Especially if it's apparent she spent time on it. A haircut; an outfit; her nails; heck, how smooth her legs are. And not just in the bedroom. What's she done for you, the kids, or the neighbors today? For the last month? Year? What routine things does she do that you don't have to? For one, I'm very thankful I don't have to plan and prepare dinner most nights. But be sincere, not just thankful - don't just say it, mean it. What's she passionate about? What's she been doing for herself lately? Something you can compliment her on her dedication / effort / progress? And a twist... words of affirmation doesn't always mean *to* them - they can be positive things you say to others *about* them. Building her up to your kids, your friends, highlighting things she does well or are important to her. FWIW.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 5, 2017 20:53:33 GMT -5
"Wow honey - have you lost weight? You look amazing!" Hahahaha!!!! Danger, Will Robinson! Venus Erotes, was that an evil laugh? ;-) Weight can be dangerous territory to tread into... very easy to shoot oneself in the head trying to pay a compliment. ("Are you saying I looked heavier yesterday?" Or "Actually, I'm up 4 pounds and I'm pissed about it.") I'd vote for "You look incredible / amazing / delicious!" and then stop talking. ;-) |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2017 20:56:02 GMT -5
Venus ErotesI agree she is struggling with adjusting to what our sex life will be and discarding what she thought was normal from her parents modeling a sexless marriage. Please don't take this wrong but it seems you are not only demanding sex but it has to conform to what I call "porn" sex. Blow job, talking dirty and these seem to be more of a focus than say a more romantic gentle love making where talk, kissing take the priority. I am all for kink but it seems you want to push her straight to the naughty stuff when you obviously have someone who's sexual vanilla at most? |
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Post by csl on Jul 5, 2017 20:57:57 GMT -5
But I also have to give her some time to adjust to the new sex life. It is almost like we are finally having a honeymoon and we have to refigure out everything about sex again.well, of COURSE you are. You've had 10 year or so of doing it wrong for each other. Now the both of you have to learn to get it write. As to not knowing how to speak "Words of Affirmation", just google it! I used the phrase " love language words of affirmation", and came up with a ton of sites. One article started off like this: Gee, where did I read that one, huh? The article, which looks good, can be read here. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 5, 2017 21:35:44 GMT -5
"Please don't take this wrong but it seems you are not only demanding sex but it has to conform to what I call "porn" sex. Blow job, talking dirty and these seem to be more of a focus than say a more romantic gentle love making where talk, kissing take the priority. I am all for kink but it seems you want to push her straight to the naughty stuff when you obviously have someone who's sexual vanilla at most?" I agree. Reminds me of a poster here or in EP who was complaining that his wife would do only one position during a sex act. His complaint was that she wouldn't change positions mid act. Another man posted on EP that his wife wouldn't squirt. Life isn't a porn film. Women in porn films are acting --doing what naive men fantasize that women like to do. A lot of those fantasies have little basis in women's reality. Meanwhile, here are the percentages of women who engage in oral sex: "Contrary to popular wisdom again, men — especially older men — give as much oral sex to women as women give to men. While the difference is greatest in the 20 to 24 year old range (with only 55 percent of men saying they’ve given it in the past year, compared to 74 percent of women), the tables turn as we age. In the 30 to 39 age range, 69 percent of men report having given a woman oral sex, while only 59 percent of women have.: I'd bet that the percentage of women giving oral is even lower for older women. When I was in college back in the 1970s, it was considered something that only slutty women did. Men would joke about the kind of women who did acts like that. psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/10/06/11-surprising-facts-about-americas-sexual-behaviors/ |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2017 21:37:22 GMT -5
greatcoastal I'm trying to learn but the whole words of affirmation just doesn't make sense to me. The repetitiveness is weird. I might as well be Spock trying to understand emotions. Does your wife give you words of affirmation? I'm thinking she does. What's the old advise? "treat others the way you would like to be treated". You could start listening intently for them. Then when you hear them, mirror them. Return a similar compliment. "Thank you!, I appreciate you going to work today, and thank you for making the bed this morning". I say this from experience. my STBX likes small, compliments like that, even if she had to induce them. To me they where tacky. In my mind, almost demeaning....making the bed?? That's a responsibility, a chore, part of my allowance as a kid, a nothing . But my STBX appreciated it. I don't want to pretend to be a psychiatrist, but... some of this can go back to your wife's childhood. Where she lacked affirmation in her upbringing. Nothing was ever good enough, and zero recognition was ever given. Perfection was required and expected. So now something that may seem cheesy or simple to you, like "thank you for bringing in the mail" means the world to her! Now here's something that me and another person who posts on here once shared. A long list titled, "things my spouse hasn't done in years". It had a lot of household chores and responsibilities on it.! So your wife could make a list for you of things she would like to be complimented on, and how to say it. Now I am guessing, but I will ask, "is it a pride issue fr you?" to ask your wife with honesty and sincerity, making yourself vulnerable, opening up your heart, by asking, " what would you like me to say? If I repeat your words, will it bother you? Will they sound sincere to you? Can you help me with it? It seems very hard for me?" Turn it around and consider your wife asking you, "what would you like me to do for you sexually? show me how? explain it to me? Teach me, and let me fail, and try to get better? I'll do it for you because having you happy makes me happy. It's new to me . I'll get used to it, I love you for understanding!" On a personal note: I've had this conversation with my teens about words of affirmation to mom. The sad part is we are in agreement that, there's not much to affirm about. Mom's good at directing people, correcting people, getting others to do things for her. So my teens have said, " mom doesn't do anything to praise her about. Most of what she does is only for her". Hard to argue the truth in that! |
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