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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 17, 2017 17:17:34 GMT -5
Both people have to choice to do therapy and to change to save the marriage.
I have the odd partner here, my W wants to save the marriage, which include changing our sex life to one that we can both be happy with.
In the last 6m there is a noticable change in her attitude towards sex, from this is the W's duty moving towards something she enjoys.
We still have problems that are related to the years of rejection and some mainstream activities (oral) that I need to be part of our bedroom.
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meerin
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Post by meerin on Jun 17, 2017 18:11:09 GMT -5
This is an open question -can therapy ever work if you have to drag your spouse there and you know they really didn't want to be there. Verses a spouse who gets the marriage is in trouble and is willing to try therapy? I am going to say no. I have had three rounds of therapy with my h. The first two were short lived: we went, he said I was a great wife, he was sorry he hurt me and would do better. It completely shut down any work or communication. The first was a counselor I was seeing and brought him in to a session with me. The second, I encouraged him to see one by himself because I thought he'd be more honest. He kept 'forgetting' the appointments and after the second missed appointment fee, I didn't remind him to make any more. The third one was pretty thorough. I told him I wanted a divorce and he seemed to wake up and actually asked for counseling this time. He participated and the marriage was doing well enough that I moved across the country with him. His newly found interest in me lasted about a year. There's the slight possibility it will work for your spouse, but likely it will be the same effort they put into your marriage: just enough to make you think it's getting better, then a hasty retreat. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 19, 2017 21:47:22 GMT -5
This is an open question -can therapy ever work if you have to drag your spouse there and you know they really didn't want to be there. Verses a spouse who gets the marriage is in trouble and is willing to try therapy? I don't think so. Nor do I think it would work in a scenario in which one of the parties is "unsure" of whether or not to remain in the marriage. The tendency I saw happening - and maybe this was just me - was that the person who leaves the relationship end up using the therapy to justify their decision. I don't think therapy will answer the question of whether or not you should be married. It certainly isn't going to create desire where there isn't any. With a LOT of work and patience, it might get you to a point where long withheld grievances and contempt are displayed more freely - when they might have been withheld at home. And then you can get a better sense of the scale of what you are looking at. According to the counseling books/stats I read - I think it was Esther Perelle - the most common pattern is that one spouse uncouples first from the relationship. At some point, that person withdraws sex and intimacy. It's usually the other one that calls time on the marriage though and asks for a divorce. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 21:53:15 GMT -5
hopingforachangeGood luck and I'm glad to hear the first session was a positive step in the right direction I wish you and your wife the best outcome and lots of sex during this process
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2017 22:02:54 GMT -5
If you keep your eyes and ears well open in joint therapy, you can learn an absolute motza of stuff.
Some of it (not much) you learn by observing what is said, and what is then done.
Most of it (the majority) you learn by observing what is NOT said, and what is not NOT done.
Personally, I am somewhat leery when people say - "I went to joint counselling and never learned a thing". I figure they must have slept through the session.
Or, what they may mean is - "I went to joint counselling and didn't hear what I wanted to hear, thus it was a failure".
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 19, 2017 23:28:58 GMT -5
I find it difficult not to be a pessimist these days. My own situation just keeps getting worse. I wish you the best of luck with the couples therapy, I truly hope that it will be the magic key to resolving the issues in your marriage.
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Post by baza on Jun 20, 2017 3:01:09 GMT -5
Yeah.
If you go to joint therapy with a mandated outcome in mind like -
#1 - to save the marriage
or
#2 - to give yourself a free pass to leave as you have then "tried everything"
then you are in for a big disappointment. Neither #1 nor #2 are very likely outcomes.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 26, 2017 20:03:26 GMT -5
This is an open question -can therapy ever work if you have to drag your spouse there and you know they really didn't want to be there. Verses a spouse who gets the marriage is in trouble and is willing to try therapy? I do think therapy can work if both are open to it......and you have a therapist that you jive with. The "it" being the big question. If you go, then something intended as "therapy" will happen, one way or another. The therapy will happen. The effectiveness of the therapy; however, depends on the goal of the therapy in each participant, and the willingness of both parties to see it through. To say nothing of the quality of the therapist. My ex was "open to therapy" in her mind. Her stated original goal was to determine whether or not she should be in the marriage. She entered therapy not being into me, while being into her affair partner. Not surprisingly, the course in which she directed the therapy ended up justifying her aversion and contempt, rather than challenging it. Had she been able to enter therapy with the goal of either discovering and admitting the truth of her feelings, or of figuring out a way to part with the least harm done, then it might have saved a lot of time and heartache, because she wasn't going there to learn to build our house together. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 12:54:20 GMT -5
Well, we have our 4th session today. Our Sex life has dramatically improved, at least the PIV and touching each other has, still no oral.
I know I am slipping some with giving the W what she needs. Her primary love language is words of affirmation, and I suck at them. After all of these years of her saying things will happen in the bedroom and nothing would happen, well it has shut me down. I am a actions mean everything, talk is cheap, type of person when it comes to expressing love.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 5, 2017 13:45:17 GMT -5
Well, we have our 4th session today. Our Sex life has dramatically improved, at least the PIV and touching each other has, still no oral. I know I am slipping some with giving the W what she needs. Her primary love language is words of affirmation, and I suck at them. After all of these years of her saying things will happen in the bedroom and nothing would happen, well it has shut me down. I am a actions mean everything, talk is cheap, type of person when it comes to expressing love. You can do it HFC! Im so pleased that the sex itself is getting there. This is great progress. As long as things keep improving you hang in there! and practice the words man... it might get you some tongue action! Xxx |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2017 14:09:31 GMT -5
Well, we have our 4th session today. Our Sex life has dramatically improved, at least the PIV and touching each other has, still no oral. I know I am slipping some with giving the W what she needs. Her primary love language is words of affirmation, and I suck at them. After all of these years of her saying things will happen in the bedroom and nothing would happen, well it has shut me down. I am a actions mean everything, talk is cheap, type of person when it comes to expressing love. Did the therapist set expectations. I was reading an article recently about the importance of therapist setting real expectations as sometimes in therapy people seem to improve immediately as they feel positive they are setting a path to recovery but that soon dissipates as they move forward and reality sets in. Almost like a honeymoon period |
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Post by WindSister on Jul 5, 2017 14:24:30 GMT -5
Thanks for updating us and I will chime in with EO and say, yes, practice the words of affirmation. I see you both practicing for each other, that's hopeful. As someone who also has words of affirmation as a primary love language, I can tell you, it matters so much. My husband's little "I love you so much sexy" texts that he naturally sends me everyday from work actually means something to me. To a person who needs that, the words are NOT empty at all, they are everything. It's understandable it's hard for you to say them after all this time, but it seems she is putting the effort in in the bedroom (action) for you, so yes, you are both learning to give what the other is saying they need.
Wishing you the best!
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 14:32:50 GMT -5
@thecelt
The therapist made us come up with expectations, mine was to consistently have sex both PIV and oral. But the bigger thing is her wanting to have physical intimacy.
Hers was about saving the marriage and coming to grips with how much pain that has happened over the years.
To me, the marriage can't be saved unless the sex side is fixed. I can't live like how we were before. It is scary that it might be a honeymoon period, I know I am still waiting to wake up one day for the sex and the connection to be gone again.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2017 14:37:11 GMT -5
I know I am slipping some with giving the W what she needs. Her primary love language is words of affirmation, and I suck at them. After all of these years of her saying things will happen in the bedroom and nothing would happen, well it has shut me down. I am a actions mean everything, talk is cheap, type of person when it comes to expressing love. Have you asked the therapist for help in the area of "words of affirmation"? I'm with you, "talk is cheap". I too would need a lot of help in that area. That doesn't mean that I can't change, improve, and try my best to give that to my spouse. I have a friend who has become a mentor for me. He struggles in that very same area in his marriage. A therapist made him aware of it. He's become a man of compliments, and well spoken praise. His wife seems pleased with it. Me? Not so much. When I am with him, the words seem repetitive, less and less meaning. But I do see it as an action. He is excellent at giving compliments , praising people, speaking first, and doing things with his hands and feet, serving others. May I suggest you take action, by asking for help in that area? Read some books, articles, start practicing certain compliments along with your actions. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 14:55:25 GMT -5
greatcoastalI'm trying to learn but the whole words of affirmation just doesn't make sense to me. The repetitiveness is weird. I might as well be Spock trying to understand emotions.
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