|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2017 9:38:17 GMT -5
I think that my reply from a guy's perspective and bballgirl reply from a woman's perspective is kind of revealing here. bballgirl and I chat often in PM and on KIK. We each think the other is a hoot, and I imagine we will chat about this later  But it's interesting we see this from completely different perspectives. I totally get what she is saying about not wanting to be a fuck-hole. Who the hell wants that? I also stick by my statement that he has probably been shut down enough times that he doesn't really give a crap about pleasing you, knowing that he will likely just have his hands slapped away and be rejected again. How you "fix" the situation (or whether it can be fixed) depends entirely on the dynamic between you and your husband. To me, it sounds like you both refuse each other when things don't go how you like. That isn't exactly a healthy relationship, regardless of the "fuck count". I agree with bballgirl that you and your husband simply may not be compatible. But that isn't something this armchair psychologist can say from a distance. But it is something you should think about. |
|
|
|
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 15, 2017 9:44:12 GMT -5
So, since I'm the refuser you're saying I wouldn't read that? Newsflash, I actually HAVE that book. Wow. I got my wires crossed on that one didn't I? One of these days I will learn not to communicate with the other humans until AFTER my morning coffee. Sorry about that! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 9:57:05 GMT -5
I think that my reply from a guy's perspective and bballgirl reply from a woman's perspective is kind of revealing here. bballgirl and I chat often in PM and on KIK. We each think the other is a hoot, and I imagine we will chat about this later But it's interesting we see this from completely different perspectives. I totally get what she is saying about not wanting to be a fuck-hole. Who the hell wants that? I also stick by my statement that he has probably been shut down enough times that he doesn't really give a crap about pleasing you, knowing that he will likely just have his hands slapped away and be rejected again. How you "fix" the situation (or whether it can be fixed) depends entirely on the dynamic between you and your husband. To me, it sounds like you both refuse each other when things don't go how you like. That isn't exactly a healthy relationship, regardless of the "fuck count". I agree with bballgirl that you and your husband simply may not be compatible. But that isn't something this armchair psychologist can say from a distance. But it is something you should think about. Hey Sham! I just read your advice, your POV on the topic and I agree with that too and the approach for tiffanyc to take control and make sure she gets what she wants. I'm all in favor for one to advocate for themselves and make things happen the way they want it to. Sometimes we have to model behavior too. Sometimes we have to spell it out say exactly what we want and then if we don't get it the choice is ours and the consequences we have to live with. I agree with your POV too and yes you are a hoot too!  |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2017 10:01:16 GMT -5
I think that my reply from a guy's perspective and bballgirl reply from a woman's perspective is kind of revealing here. bballgirl and I chat often in PM and on KIK. We each think the other is a hoot, and I imagine we will chat about this later But it's interesting we see this from completely different perspectives. I totally get what she is saying about not wanting to be a fuck-hole. Who the hell wants that? I also stick by my statement that he has probably been shut down enough times that he doesn't really give a crap about pleasing you, knowing that he will likely just have his hands slapped away and be rejected again. How you "fix" the situation (or whether it can be fixed) depends entirely on the dynamic between you and your husband. To me, it sounds like you both refuse each other when things don't go how you like. That isn't exactly a healthy relationship, regardless of the "fuck count". I agree with bballgirl that you and your husband simply may not be compatible. But that isn't something this armchair psychologist can say from a distance. But it is something you should think about. Hey Sham! I just read your advice, your POV on the topic and I agree with that too and the approach for tiffanyc to take control and make sure she gets what she wants. I'm all in favor for one to advocate for themselves and make things happen the way they want it to. Sometimes we have to model behavior too. Sometimes we have to spell it out say exactly what we want and then if we don't get it the choice is ours and the consequences we have to live with. I agree with your POV too and yes you are a hoot too! And us guys are pretty dense sometimes too. If often takes a 2x4 upside the head to get the message across. I've always found it strange that women seem to think we can read minds when the evidence continuously show how damn clueless us guys usually are. Please note, tiffanyc, I am not suggesting a 2x4 in a literal sense as a marital aid. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 10:05:31 GMT -5
Perhaps YOU start by holding HIS hand or sitting next to him on the couch and snuggling close. When he grabs your tits / ass / crotch? Gently move his hand to where you want it to go (maybe on your thigh or around your waist) and whisper in his ear something like "shhhh...that's coming...one step at a time". But when you say that, you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH. If you don't? You will have one (justifiably) frustrated / pissed off man on your hands. There is an inverse correlation between how long / how many times a man has been refused and how much he really gives a shit about his refuser's pleasure. Right now, I'm guessing he doesn't give a flying fuck and isn't going to invest anything emotionally just to get smacked down again. Bear in mind, this is from a refused guy's perspective. You might not get it / agree since you're on the other side of the fence. However, at this point, I would suggest the onus is on you. I have been the one to initiate the cuddling. When we've gone on long car trips, walking through the mall when we head to the nearest city(2 he's away) I reach out to him. Even on our two week vacation last year at Grand Teton I did this. What happened? Without even looking at me, he'll squeeze my hand once or twice then let go. This is his pattern and has been since about year 2 of our marriage. But it wasn't always that way and I have told him that. Send him a text What: Romance your wife When: Tonight Where: Pick a few rooms in the house Why: So I can fuck your brains out! Try that. A little creative, cute but to the point. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Jun 15, 2017 10:06:22 GMT -5
I'm sure that there is a lot of history and a lot of detail not being expressed.
Would you be interested in an experiment?
Pick a time frame. One month, three months, six months.
Play by his rules. give him what he wants and see if, in return, you get what you want.
Unless of course you are disgusted by him and don't want him touching you.
If that's the case get a divorce.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 10:07:20 GMT -5
Hey Sham! I just read your advice, your POV on the topic and I agree with that too and the approach for tiffanyc to take control and make sure she gets what she wants. I'm all in favor for one to advocate for themselves and make things happen the way they want it to. Sometimes we have to model behavior too. Sometimes we have to spell it out say exactly what we want and then if we don't get it the choice is ours and the consequences we have to live with. I agree with your POV too and yes you are a hoot too! And us guys are pretty dense sometimes too. If often takes a 2x4 upside the head to get the message across. I've always found it strange that women seem to think we can read minds when the evidence continuously show how damn clueless us guys usually are. Please note, tiffanyc, I am not suggesting a 2x4 in a literal sense as a marital aid. I just gave her a suggestion I'm not a fan of violence either lol I'm a lover not a fighter |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2017 10:09:39 GMT -5
I have been the one to initiate the cuddling. When we've gone on long car trips, walking through the mall when we head to the nearest city(2 he's away) I reach out to him. Even on our two week vacation last year at Grand Teton I did this. What happened? Without even looking at me, he'll squeeze my hand once or twice then let go. This is his pattern and has been since about year 2 of our marriage. But it wasn't always that way and I have told him that. Send him a text What: Romance your wife When: Tonight Where: Pick a few rooms in the house Why: So I can fuck your brains out! Try that. A little creative, cute but to the point. Yes!!!!! Do This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ If that doesn't get his attention and properly motivate him, it cannot be done. Only other thing I would do if I were you is include a pic. Not of you naked or anything like that (unless that is already a "thing"). But with a mischievous grin on your face. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 10:11:46 GMT -5
Send him a text What: Romance your wife When: Tonight Where: Pick a few rooms in the house Why: So I can fuck your brains out! Try that. A little creative, cute but to the point. Yes!!!!! Do This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ If that doesn't get his attention and properly motivate him, it cannot be done. Only other thing I would do if I were you is include a pic. Not of you naked or anything like that (unless that is already a "thing"). But with a mischievous grin on your face. I agree with the pic Sexy black bra - cleavage! |
|
|
|
Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 10:26:00 GMT -5
I think that my reply from a guy's perspective and bballgirl reply from a woman's perspective is kind of revealing here. bballgirl and I chat often in PM and on KIK. We each think the other is a hoot, and I imagine we will chat about this later But it's interesting we see this from completely different perspectives. I totally get what she is saying about not wanting to be a fuck-hole. Who the hell wants that? I also stick by my statement that he has probably been shut down enough times that he doesn't really give a crap about pleasing you, knowing that he will likely just have his hands slapped away and be rejected again. How you "fix" the situation (or whether it can be fixed) depends entirely on the dynamic between you and your husband. To me, it sounds like you both refuse each other when things don't go how you like. That isn't exactly a healthy relationship, regardless of the "fuck count". I agree with bballgirl that you and your husband simply may not be compatible. But that isn't something this armchair psychologist can say from a distance. But it is something you should think about. I have been thinking about it. And as I've said before, it's like once he put a ring on it, it felt like he wasn't as interested in keeping up the romance end anymore. |
|
|
|
Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 10:27:40 GMT -5
Hey Sham! I just read your advice, your POV on the topic and I agree with that too and the approach for tiffanyc to take control and make sure she gets what she wants. I'm all in favor for one to advocate for themselves and make things happen the way they want it to. Sometimes we have to model behavior too. Sometimes we have to spell it out say exactly what we want and then if we don't get it the choice is ours and the consequences we have to live with. I agree with your POV too and yes you are a hoot too! And us guys are pretty dense sometimes too. If often takes a 2x4 upside the head to get the message across. I've always found it strange that women seem to think we can read minds when the evidence continuously show how damn clueless us guys usually are. Please note, tiffanyc, I am not suggesting a 2x4 in a literal sense as a marital aid. Lol oh I wouldn't use a 2X4. I have a good castiron pan that would work better. 😉 |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 10:40:13 GMT -5
I think that my reply from a guy's perspective and bballgirl reply from a woman's perspective is kind of revealing here. bballgirl and I chat often in PM and on KIK. We each think the other is a hoot, and I imagine we will chat about this later But it's interesting we see this from completely different perspectives. I totally get what she is saying about not wanting to be a fuck-hole. Who the hell wants that? I also stick by my statement that he has probably been shut down enough times that he doesn't really give a crap about pleasing you, knowing that he will likely just have his hands slapped away and be rejected again. How you "fix" the situation (or whether it can be fixed) depends entirely on the dynamic between you and your husband. To me, it sounds like you both refuse each other when things don't go how you like. That isn't exactly a healthy relationship, regardless of the "fuck count". I agree with bballgirl that you and your husband simply may not be compatible. But that isn't something this armchair psychologist can say from a distance. But it is something you should think about. I have been thinking about it. And as I've said before, it's like once he put a ring on it, it felt like he wasn't as interested in keeping up the romance end anymore. For the sake of science Run an experiment Send him a sexy text everyday Let him grab you, smack your ass, whatever! Personally I like that attention but I was celibate for so long and with a man that never touched me sexually so now even after sex I like my boobs played with like they are his toys. Anyway, set a timeline and after a week or 2 inform him that you are meeting his needs but he needs to meet yours as well. Again tell him that you refuse to just be a fuckhole and you need romance. Respect and trust are key here and if he can't meet your needs too then there is no respect with that. At that point you have a decision to make for the rest of your life. Bottom line - good pussy isn't free and everything in life has a price and consequences. |
|
|
|
Post by h on Jun 15, 2017 10:44:53 GMT -5
Not knowing the full details of his behaviors, feelings, and motivation makes it hard to say. Maybe he has gotten sick of your refusing and become avoidant towards sex. Maybe it's counter refusal coming back at you. That could be except these issues have been going on even before I started having issues. Yet I can't talk to him about it because he shuts down. The shutting down is probably frustration over lack of sex. When I'm " long overdue" I have a really hard time getting past the anger and resentment to talk about anything. I don't feel like meeting her needs when she has gone so long ignoring mine. Maybe start having more sex with him and he will feel like being romantic. Let's put it in terms of food. If you have regular meals and aren't worried about when you're going to eat again, you take the time to enjoy your food and savor the taste. When you're starving, you don't care if it's an amazing gourmet meal. You only care about getting the food in your body as fast as possible and getting as much as you can get since you don't know how long it will be until you eat again. Your husband is starving and in survival mode. Let him see that he won't starve and maybe he will take the time to slow down and enjoy it more. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 10:49:01 GMT -5
That could be except these issues have been going on even before I started having issues. Yet I can't talk to him about it because he shuts down. The shutting down is probably frustration over lack of sex. When I'm " long overdue" I have a really hard time getting past the anger and resentment to talk about anything. I don't feel like meeting her needs when she has gone so long ignoring mine. Maybe start having more sex with him and he will feel like being romantic. Let's put it in terms of food. If you have regular meals and aren't worried about when you're going to eat again, you take the time to enjoy your food and savor the taste. When you're starving, you don't care if it's an amazing gourmet meal. You only care about getting the food in your body as fast as possible and getting as much as you can get since you don't know how long it will be until you eat again. Your husband is starving and in survival mode. Let him see that he won't starve and maybe he will take the time to slow down and enjoy it more. Great analogy! |
|
|
|
Post by csl on Jun 15, 2017 10:49:38 GMT -5
You do speak quite vaguely. Much like my refuser when she commits DARVO and is reversing everything. The only concrete fact is....? well there aren't any. The closest was "it more than likely won't happen" and what you assume he will do. Instead of generalities like "I make the first move" be specific, give some examples, and you will receive much better advice. For example, there may have been "first moves" on my wife's part about a number of topics that went right past me. Again I am not a mind reader. While other men would say, "what does that mean? what does she expect from you? Are you supposed to ask a ton more questions until you finally get it right? Who want's to play these manipulative games? Then there are ladies who would say," exactly my H does the same thing! They just don't get it. Happily shifting the blame." Facts, details, specifics, lay your cards on the table! Okay. I get what you're saying. I'm not trying to place blame here it's just after 16 yrs of trying over and over to improve things and him refusing me it's confusing for me. I have been very specific on what I'm looking for. Ex: "I want us to be more affectionate, like we used to be. Holding hands, cuddling, that kind of thing." H: " come on, I cuddle. I hold your hand." Me: " you don't cuddle, you just grab my tits, butt or between my legs. And in bed you just push your dick against me." H: "what's the difference?" And yes, this was an actual discussion we had about five months ago! So again, explain how I am supposed to fix this? Give the boy a quick lesson in the difference between cuddling and grabbing. Sit him down on the couch and say "This is cuddling," and then gently caress his testicles. Then say, "This isn't cuddling," and give the twins a good, hard slap. Once he's able to sit up straight without clutching his crotch, have him read Rubbing vs. Feeling. |
|
