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Post by brian on Jun 16, 2017 22:05:58 GMT -5
Define "sex". If it's ANY PIV, then it's only been 2 months for me, although it was over a year prior to that, and then over a year before that. However, I haven't had an orgasm stimulated from anyone other than myself in over 12 years
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 17, 2017 1:00:02 GMT -5
I'm in a similar situation. My recent pressure has resulted in more sex this year so far than in the last whole year (or any other single year including the first). I didn't keep track at first but since the middle of 2012, I have written down the date of every time we have sexual contact and what kind it was (PIV, HJ). The list isn't that long. I actually keep the dates in my Google calendar, that way I can just search for "successful attempt" and see all the dates.. and if it is not sex I put that in the notes. I also save the failed attempts if I have asked more than five times without a success. There are a lot of those events in my calendar last year :/ I think saving the dates gives me a good idea of the amount of time it had been without feeling like I am actually bothering him "too much" I kept a log of dates too on my phone. Didn't take up hardly any room lol. Will delete that now. |
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Post by h on Jun 17, 2017 7:39:57 GMT -5
I'm in a similar situation. My recent pressure has resulted in more sex this year so far than in the last whole year (or any other single year including the first). I didn't keep track at first but since the middle of 2012, I have written down the date of every time we have sexual contact and what kind it was (PIV, HJ). The list isn't that long. I actually keep the dates in my Google calendar, that way I can just search for "successful attempt" and see all the dates.. and if it is not sex I put that in the notes. I also save the failed attempts if I have asked more than five times without a success. There are a lot of those events in my calendar last year :/ I think saving the dates gives me a good idea of the amount of time it had been without feeling like I am actually bothering him "too much" I save the dates for another reason. She is always telling everyone that we are "trying to have children" but we really aren't. She even mentioned it to one of her doctors once and the doctor suggested (of course in total ignorance of the truth) that I may be the one with the medical problem. I waited until we were in the car to call her out on the fact that we would actually have to have frequent sex to have children. If she ever wants to say there's a medical issue preventing pregnancy, I want the data to support otherwise so her doctor won't do a bunch of unnecessary tests based on faulty assumptions. Not going to bring it up unless she does but I want to be prepared if the discussion goes that way. |
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Post by beachguy on Jun 17, 2017 8:54:31 GMT -5
I actually keep the dates in my Google calendar, that way I can just search for "successful attempt" and see all the dates.. and if it is not sex I put that in the notes. I also save the failed attempts if I have asked more than five times without a success. There are a lot of those events in my calendar last year :/ I think saving the dates gives me a good idea of the amount of time it had been without feeling like I am actually bothering him "too much" I save the dates for another reason. She is always telling everyone that we are "trying to have children" but we really aren't. She even mentioned it to one of her doctors once and the doctor suggested (of course in total ignorance of the truth) that I may be the one with the medical problem. I waited until we were in the car to call her out on the fact that we would actually have to have frequent sex to have children. If she ever wants to say there's a medical issue preventing pregnancy, I want the data to support otherwise so her doctor won't do a bunch of unnecessary tests based on faulty assumptions. Not going to bring it up unless she does but I want to be prepared if the discussion goes that way. I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse. Of course, if you are still childless she is doing you a huge favor. ETA: the delusions of refusers are simply breathtaking. How do you even try to have an intelligent convo with such a spouse? |
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meerin
Junior Member
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Post by meerin on Jun 17, 2017 9:06:11 GMT -5
Seven or eight months, I think. I stopped keeping track out of depression. I know there has been none this year and I think the last attempt was in October of last year because I know there was no birthday sex for me- a Scorpio- so October is about right.
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Post by h on Jun 17, 2017 10:11:34 GMT -5
I save the dates for another reason. She is always telling everyone that we are "trying to have children" but we really aren't. She even mentioned it to one of her doctors once and the doctor suggested (of course in total ignorance of the truth) that I may be the one with the medical problem. I waited until we were in the car to call her out on the fact that we would actually have to have frequent sex to have children. If she ever wants to say there's a medical issue preventing pregnancy, I want the data to support otherwise so her doctor won't do a bunch of unnecessary tests based on faulty assumptions. Not going to bring it up unless she does but I want to be prepared if the discussion goes that way. I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse. Of course, if you are still childless she is doing you a huge favor. ETA: the delusions of refusers are simply breathtaking. How do you even try to have an intelligent convo with such a spouse? I'm saving the "laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc" as a last resort. If it goes that far, divorce will probably follow. I'm still in the mindset that there's still some hope for now. I won't get that brutally honest unless she forces me to by lying to the doctor about it. I have always been of the philosophy that I should give people the opportunity to prove me wrong but that doesn't mean I won't be prepared if I'm right. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2017 11:16:59 GMT -5
"I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse."
Very wrong way to look at that, but a typical refused's perspective because the refused think it's admirable to sacrifice themselves to protect their partner from the consequences of refusing.
He should have and could have spoken his truth by calmly letting the doctor know specifically how infrequent their intercourse was. Without that fact being known, the consultation would be a waste of the doctor and their time.
One of my friends is a doctor specializing in infertility. She said that she sometimes has patients who do not have sex but want a baby that is theirs biologically. She accommodated them without prying into why their relationship is sexless.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 17, 2017 12:06:24 GMT -5
"I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse." Very wrong way to look at that, but a typical refused's perspective because the refused think it's admirable to sacrifice themselves to protect their partner from the consequences of refusing. He should have and could have spoken his truth by calmly letting the doctor know specifically how infrequent their intercourse was. Without that fact being known, the consultation would be a waste of the doctor and their time. One of my friends is a doctor specializing in infertility. She said that she sometimes has patients who do not have sex but want a baby that is theirs biologically. She accommodated them without prying into why their relationship is sexless. I was married ten years before I got pregnant. I did have an infertility issue but a SM was still the circumstances. Anyway with both my kids their dad was not even in the room when they were conceived. |
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Post by beachguy on Jun 17, 2017 12:15:13 GMT -5
"I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse." Very wrong way to look at that, but a typical refused's perspective because the refused think it's admirable to sacrifice themselves to protect their partner from the consequences of refusing. He should have and could have spoken his truth by calmly letting the doctor know specifically how infrequent their intercourse was. Without that fact being known, the consultation would be a waste of the doctor and their time. One of my friends is a doctor specializing in infertility. She said that she sometimes has patients who do not have sex but want a baby that is theirs biologically. She accommodated them without prying into why their relationship is sexless. The more I thought about it the more I think he was wrong for enabling her gaslighting. Wrong in the sense that it was extremely damaging to the marriage (which is failed as far as I'm concerned anyway) as well as wasting the docs time, as you said. So I agree with you 100%. If he had exposed her gaslighting it probably would have been the last time she ever agreed to a joint doctor visit but the whole thing is pretty hopeless so perhaps a moot point. I'm also pondering a couple spending $50k or whatever the going rate to have a test tube baby simply to avoid a couple of fucks. Puts sexual aversion at a whole new level. Our world is increasing insane.... |
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Post by lyn on Jun 17, 2017 12:31:50 GMT -5
7 months ago.
I removed my wedding ring the next day, and became a "counter-refuser" the day after that when stbx seemed to noticed a shift in the dynamic - tried to step-up with the fake intimacy......
When you're done, you're done.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2017 12:44:52 GMT -5
I took my ring off just last week.
In all honesty, I expected that, with the kids gone, I might get a chance to counter-refuse. Hugs were met with hugs. Backrubs were met with hugs. A lean in to her face was met with a sisterly peck on the lips. There was no hint of desire in her whole body. I'm so done.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 17, 2017 12:54:00 GMT -5
7 months ago. I removed my wedding ring the next day, and became a "counter-refuser" the day after that when stbx seemed to noticed a shift in the dynamic - tried to step-up with the fake intimacy...... When you're done, you're done. Just idly curious if there was any special significance in the number 7. Why not 6 or 8? Seven is not a "round number" like 12 for example (a full year) For me, things like taking off the ring only made her dig her heels in more forcefully. No fake attempts here. I think these differences in all our stories highlight the different psychological elements in play. Worthy of more than a couple research grants.... |
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Post by h on Jun 17, 2017 13:04:03 GMT -5
"I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse." Very wrong way to look at that, but a typical refused's perspective because the refused think it's admirable to sacrifice themselves to protect their partner from the consequences of refusing. He should have and could have spoken his truth by calmly letting the doctor know specifically how infrequent their intercourse was. Without that fact being known, the consultation would be a waste of the doctor and their time. One of my friends is a doctor specializing in infertility. She said that she sometimes has patients who do not have sex but want a baby that is theirs biologically. She accommodated them without prying into why their relationship is sexless. The only reason I didn't was because he wasn't her regular doctor. He was a surgeon that we weren't going to be seeing again anyway. As I said, I will speak up if she intentionally lies to her regular gyno doc. That appointment is this Summer. Starting a public confrontation the other time wouldn't have helped me at all and would only have made matters worse. |
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Post by lyn on Jun 17, 2017 13:17:21 GMT -5
7 months ago. I removed my wedding ring the next day, and became a "counter-refuser" the day after that when stbx seemed to noticed a shift in the dynamic - tried to step-up with the fake intimacy...... When you're done, you're done. Just idly curious if there was any special significance in the number 7. Why not 6 or 8? Seven is not a "round number" like 12 for example (a full year) For me, things like taking off the ring only made her dig her heels in more forcefully. No fake attempts here. I think these differences in all our stories highlight the different psychological elements in play. Worthy of more than a couple research grants.... It was literally 7 months ago that we last had reset sex. I felt so stupid afterwards. Somehow, I just knew at that point that I would never have sex with him again. I think there are many many similarities in the psyche's of most of our spouses, but, they for sure are each their own, special snowflake. Btw, glad you're back beachguy! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2017 15:01:36 GMT -5
"I guess I have to give you credit for not laying her out and filleting her in front of the doc. If it were my wife I would have taken no prisoners. For better or worse." Very wrong way to look at that, but a typical refused's perspective because the refused think it's admirable to sacrifice themselves to protect their partner from the consequences of refusing. He should have and could have spoken his truth by calmly letting the doctor know specifically how infrequent their intercourse was. Without that fact being known, the consultation would be a waste of the doctor and their time. One of my friends is a doctor specializing in infertility. She said that she sometimes has patients who do not have sex but want a baby that is theirs biologically. She accommodated them without prying into why their relationship is sexless. I was married ten years before I got pregnant. I did have an infertility issue but a SM was still the circumstances. Anyway with both my kids their dad was not even in the room when they were conceived. He has good aim! |
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