Why bother, yet I'm still gonna try.

There's a lot in your post that gets me thinking. Actually that's what i like about ILIASM, you can get lots of healthy feedback from a variety of different perspectives. Like myself, a man with teenagers who is 53 yrs old, responding to a 34 yr old with teenagers. You've been home from work a year, I've been home 18 yrs raising 6 kids.

Your husband is up in the morning grumbling. (stop!)
(You know your situation, I could be all wrong here so forgive me*)
It sounds like he is communicating with you. How do you respond "I tune him out and drift back to sleep".  I don't see much sharing ,opening up, or communicating going on there.
"I hear him making comments" Can you respond to his comments in a manor in which compromise and understanding occurs?

Toning up, make up, and housekeeper. He is communicating with you. www.the-generous-husband.com/2017/06/03/yalls-sex-life/    
csi's recent post talks about that.

Your husband is a marine, is into motorcycles, and guns. You are at home writing a book. I can relate to that. I am out surfing, mowing lawns, repairing houses, running my kids to all there activities, volunteering at church. My wife is at work on a computer. She comes home and goes back to her computer, and dictates from her chair. Like a scene from "undercover boss" the corporate executive who doesn't have a clue.
What would happen if after dinner you invited your husband for an evening out, and you went to the Harley dealer and looked at motorcycles together? Have you fired a gun? Have you been to a gun range? What about your daughters? Was he asked to help any in producing a book?

Last night I had 15 minutes of extra help from my daughters preparing dinner. I had to ask them to help me. They easily agreed. A group effort, a shared activity, on household duties. It may not have seemed like much ,but it meant a lot to me. We did more communicating then my STBX and I have done all month. My oldest son came home from work last night, he showed me his new shoes. I asked all about them. I then asked him to "please put most of the dirty dishes in the sink in the empty dishwasher. He did all of it. (Much of that mess is his and has been there over a week, I didn't get into all that)


I don't understand the "for someone else ",part.

Who really knows this sudden awareness about make up. It could have been treated as an open door for more communication. Do the both of you, after 16 yrs feel you can talk about such things? Have children and careers, been all that gets talked about? That certainly happens.

So yes ,OUCH!  There is a lot going on there from an outsiders perspective who has also dealt with such rejection.

Congratulations on your weight loss! I went back to the gym a year ago. It's been 25 yrs. I did it for myself. Due to finances I haven't been back in the past season. I miss the strength endurance, self esteem, and committed feeling I get from going there. It's also an avenue to get inspired by watching others, and meeting more people.
Do it for yourself. You can also invite your husband and go together.

Lastly , you look wonderful, and sexy! I hope you do start exercising today, and find how many other men are looking at you. The more you make an effort to fix things and the more you see his reactions, the easier it will be to see who really has the problem, who needs to change , and who is willing to change. 

Marriage is hard work.

I agree with the getting feedback from different people. It helps. Believe me.

Some of the things you mentioned about him opening communication I both agree and disagree on.

Ya see, early on in the marriage he would make comments like "Granny does this. Aunt Lori manages to work, prep dinner, and have time for her crafts"

Yes I get that's what he grew up with and therefore used to, but I'm not his Aunt (though how that woman manages to do all the stuff she does STILL boggles my mind lol) I'm not Granny.

He and I met in high school. I was in the marching band and he ROTC. I've always been a tshirt and jeans girl. The girlyest thing I do is get my nails done and even that is like pulling teeth when I ask him if I can.

As for "the someone else" he said that this morning implying that if we ever separated/divorced I would change for some other man and then he (my H) would be wondering why I wouldn't for him.

Funny thing though, several times over the last 16 years I've tried to get in better shape, yet I got no reaction from him. I would get all giddy about my jeans being loose on me and he's like "oh. Okay"

That's why I'm a bit scared this go around that it will be a repeat.


As for my book, yes. I have tried to engage him about certain topics to get a better understanding from my male hero (who is a Marine) but he would get exasperated and I felt bad for trying to include him.


We do go on motorcycle rides when he's not working and it's nice. He has taken me shooting but we haven't had time lately.

That and he's not a member of the shooting range here, yet, so when he goes it's with his buddy who is a member. Which I'm cool with.

As for communication, it's up and down. It just feels to me at times that he's been trying to change me our whole marriage and when I have told him that he tells me I'm wrong. Maybe I am, but when he constantly says you should be doing this, or so and so does it this way or that way, what am I supposed to think? There's more than one way to do housework.

I just feel like damned if I do and damned if I don't most of the time.

etiquette-ny.com/


Look I'm a bit busy today. No offense.

"Oh greatest beauty of the seven sea's...."

No- You're fine - he's a dick.

Here - Look I'll make it official.
 
tiffanyc






Because aliens.

tiffanyc - it sounds like your instincts are spot on, but he engages in gaslighting.  He is making it about YOU - "you are wrong, I don't do this."  It gets you to doubt yourself over time and messes with your mind big time.  

You feel he is trying to change you - that's probably true, your instincts can't be that wrong.  

I am sorry things are rough right now. 

It's easy to get trapped into the idea of judging one's value and effort solely against it's anticipated effect in the marriage - how far it moves the needle within an existing stable relationship dynamic. BUT - keep in mind - you were your own person, with your own interests and an independent goal with appearance and style prior to knowing this guy and you fell for each other when you each had your own things going, irrespective of the others' approval.

There's no point in commenting on your specific appearance because different people like different things. But - and this is a general point not specific to you - just because someone "suddenly" tells you something about an appearance, it likely isn't something that just occurred to them. Consider how hard it is to talk to a loved one and explain something that might be taken in a hurtful way. I've seen friends go years and divorce rather than say, "Hey babe - I noticed you are up a hundred pounds. Let's talk about how that affects my attraction to you, physically." Imagine how much you'd try to avoid that simple discussion.

I've also seen co-workers at age 40 something who still have their hair and clothes styled in exactly the same way they were when they were good enough in the late 1980's - men and women. Never mind that the men are now balding, there are holes in the clothes, that "big hair" ramscoops and ankle length dresses might be a bit out of style. Or that they (men and women) dress in a mousy, non-descript way that is not flattering for their middle age bodies.

And then, when the divorce happens, I've seen the weight come off, the clothes and hair updated, and suddenly an interest in prioritizing their appearance.
Over and over again.

If it's on the rocks anyway, whether it's "for you" or to give you the best advantages in a competitive single market, it doesn't hurt to try.
That was often my litmus test when I was still not separated and working on it. Rather than falling into the trap of defining what someone else SHOULD be attracted to, I took her out of the equation and fixed on what I would do if I was already divorcing. Unsurprisingly - exercise, hair, clothes, activities, interests and relationships all became higher priority.

I'm going to speak up again with an opinion that's very different from most here. I think there's a good chance that the reason that Tiffanyc isn't interested in sex is because her husband treats her like crap. I don't' think this is a communication problem either because she has said that she has tried to tell him how to approach her, but he doesn't. If I were her, I wouldn't want sex with him either. Keep in mind that I'm someone out of my SM who is now in a 4-year relationship with a man who treats me lovingly, considerately and passionately. So, my view from Opposite Land is a different perspective than that of people who are in SM and who may still erroneously think that all their marriages lack is sex.

Examples from her threads with my comments.

"So, here it is 5:45 am and I should still be sleeping, but nope. H woke me up with his usual morning grumbling. He's not a very morning person. Lol Normally, I can just tune him out and drift back to sleep, not this morning. I hear him making comments about how it's going to come down to me toning up, start wearing make-up and being a more efficient housekeeper, but for someone else.”

Me: WTH? What an inconsiderate way for him to start her day. Note it's his "usual morning grumbling" so presumably she daily is rudely awakened (at 5:45 am!) by him insulting her. That's certainly not the kind of way to make anyone feel cherished and in a lovin' mood. Even if she were 100 pounds heavier, she'd deserve better. By contrast, I'm an inch taller than her and about 15 pounds heavier and more than 30 years older. Not only does my guy get up quietly (exceptions are if I'm nudged awake for some lovin') because he's an early bird, but I'm not, but when I do wake up, he kisses me and tells me how gorgeous I am. My conclusion: her guy is rude and cruel.

Her: "I was all giddy about my jeans being loose on me, and he's like, oh, okay"
Me: My refuser ex was like that. I remember working out 2 hours a day and losing 35 pounds. Even though I then was 50, much younger guys would swivel their heads to look at me. My husband, however, was completely indifferent. When I showed off my body to him, he called me "vain." While he was the refuser in our marriage, the lack of intimacy was not just about sex!


Her: “Okay, so this may a different scenario but just now H asked for a bj/hj. I told him I wasn't interested. I hate that I'm the main one in the Marriage with little interest in sex. Well, that's not completely true. Let me elaborate.I like sex but I guess it's how H broaches the subject. Ex: "you wanna do it?" "I could really go for a bj"….Then when he does touch me to try and get me interested where do his hands go? Tits, ass or between my legs. It makes me feel like I should be charging him something.”

Me: What stands out to me is that his overture is all about him and his way of doing things. He demonstrated no interest in meeting hers -- for sweet talk, foreplay, NOTHING. All he wants to do is stick it in. Of course, she has no interest. And it's not a matter of his not knowing any better. She has indicated that she has told him what she would like. He just doesn't give enough of a damn to bother. Again, this is not a communication problem. Both of them are communicating fine. He's simply choosing to ignore her needs and desires.

Her: "The few times a year I do dress up for special occasions he barely notices. Neither one of us dress up often. That's not who we are. We're jeans and tshirt people.
But a woman likes to hear something flattering even in jeans and tshirt a once and a while and I've even brought that up to him but he just blows me off.....Back in October I did something I thought was so cool. I self published my first novel. He didn't even seem the least bit interested. "

Me: More examples of what contributes to her lack of desire for her husband. He treats her like crap.

Her: (talking about her low testosterone levels) "The dr suggested Bioten. She herself uses it and she's in her late forties to early fifties and she says it works. She's been using it for a few years now... Yet H didn't seem interested in me trying Bioten as a possible solution to boost my levels. His immediate response was exercise more."

Me: While Bioten is expensive ($100 a month or so), it sounds like it could boost your libido. Your husband's overruling your DOCTOR is WRONG and disrespectful to you and your doctor. If the cost of the drug is what concerns your husband, he could be suggesting ways of coming up with the money by, for instance, cutting back on other expenses (I bet his gun hobby costs money. And are you sure he's really going to the shooting range with male friends?) or your getting a job.

As for his suddenly wanting you to wear make-up when in your more than a decade together, you've had the natural look, that's a big red flag to me indicating that he may be involved with another woman. Typically, when a spouse suddenly wants their partner to change in fundamental ways that never bothered them before, that spouse is interested in someone else. That's especially true if they are indifferent when you do try the look they allege to want you to have. After all, when Tiffany gets dressed up (and presumably is wearing make-up), he's indifferent.

In the latter years of our marriage, my ex complained that I asked too many personal questions of him. I am the type of person whom strangers tell their life stories to and deepest secrets to, and then want to keep in touch. My being an interested, nonjudgmental listener is one of the traits my friends treasure. It ended up that my husband was having an affair with a woman from a culture in which people aren't emotionally or verbally open. That's why all of a sudden, he wanted me to change.

My advice from your "Ugh" thread still stands. I don't think couples counseling is the way to go. Your husband has demonstrated no interest in being a more responsive husband. Couples counseling can't make someone be a more supportive spouse unless they care to do so. Individual counseling, however, could help you recognize and honor your own needs and desires.

Getting a job could get you out of the house, help you make supportive friends, and help you be more confident and independent, all things that will help you flourish whether or not your marriage lasts.

I also suggest consulting with a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out. In many places, the first lawyer's visit -- the consultation -- is free. Your husband is not acting like he gives a damn. Better to be prepared for a divorce than to be blindsided.

P.S. The average woman in the U.S. is a size 16 (!) You clearly are not. Your body is fine. If you wish to work out, do it for you. It can be an energy and confidence boost. But don't do it because your husband is nagging you.

From what I have read, Low T in woman does not cause as much of a sex drive issues like how it does in men. But if it will help YOU feel better is is worth a shot.

Honestly, It sounds like he has some mental health issues going on.