|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 28, 2017 7:32:47 GMT -5
You know, I am still quiet nervous about this subject, dating, and looking for that one special person. To quote Isabellas 39 "If someone is interested in dating many than don't tell me you're looking for one special woman" Doesn't that go back to the old saying?, "you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince." Aren't you going to run into both? The person who's living a lie, and will never settle for one special woman or man. Then there's the person who is actively seeking that special person , but has to go through the "trial, and error" dating process. Beware of the third, the narc. who's looking for another victim. My nervousness/fears are, that I will continue to be a strong giver, and will find a taker. Someone who acts all gracious and giving in return, love bombing, then I discover I have been had by another narc. another taker. Makes it difficult to come out of the cave, but it's slowly ,cautiously happening. I totally understand, it is hard to open up after forcing your self in a closed off fortress from the SM shit. I wonder if I get out, if i will look for a person that has been thru a SM as well. The common background I think would be helpful in understanding where some of my actions come from. Unless you have lived this life, I don't think a normal person would understand. Living in a near SM has made me much more sympathetic to a cheater/ outsourcer then I was a decade ago We are certainly in agreement there! Another "concern" is for every person who was in a SM there's someone else who caused it. They too are now free to go around admitting/using/manipulating the notion that they where a victim of a SM. It's like the lady who spoke over me at my divorce recovery class, she threw up red flags of a controller. There was a time in my last sesion with divorce recovery, (a different group) when the subject that night was about dating and having sex again. Well....I understand the fear and caution. To give yourself time to heal a year or two, whatever. But to hear so many of the women in our little group, give such an overwhelming, emphatic agreement, of " I ain't never havin' sex with anybody, ever again" that was .... disappointing. It also had me questioning how many of them are refusers, controllers, manipulators, narcs, and want to deny any blame for their situation. So...the person who claims" I don't ever want sex again" what does that say about them? Are they afraid of being used by a taker? or are they a taker themselves? |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 28, 2017 7:38:15 GMT -5
I totally understand, it is hard to open up after forcing your self in a closed off fortress from the SM shit. I wonder if I get out, if i will look for a person that has been thru a SM as well. The common background I think would be helpful in understanding where some of my actions come from. Unless you have lived this life, I don't think a normal person would understand. Living in a near SM has made me much more sympathetic to a cheater/ outsourcer then I was a decade ago We are certainly in agreement there! Another "concern" is for every person who was in a SM there's someone else who caused it. They too are now free to go around admitting/using/manipulating the notion that they where a victim of a SM. It's like the lady who spoke over me at my divorce recovery class, she threw up red flags of a controller. There was a time in my last sesion with divorce recovery, (a different group) when the subject that night was about dating and having sex again. Well....I understand the fear and caution. To give yourself time to heal a year or two, whatever. But to hear so many of the women in our little group, give such an overwhelming, emphatic agreement, of " I ain't never havin' sex with anybody, ever again" that was .... disappointing. It also had me questioning how many of them are refusers, controllers, manipulators, narcs, and want to deny any blame for their situation. So...the person who claims" I don't ever want sex again" what does that say about them? Are they afraid of being used by a taker? or are they a taker themselves? Not all refusers are takers. I suspect those woman and the unspoken men, don't include sex as part of being loved. And this partners outsourced thier needed love or in thier minds cheated. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 28, 2017 7:47:34 GMT -5
I totally understand, it is hard to open up after forcing your self in a closed off fortress from the SM shit. I wonder if I get out, if i will look for a person that has been thru a SM as well. The common background I think would be helpful in understanding where some of my actions come from. Unless you have lived this life, I don't think a normal person would understand. Living in a near SM has made me much more sympathetic to a cheater/ outsourcer then I was a decade ago We are certainly in agreement there! Another "concern" is for every person who was in a SM there's someone else who caused it. They too are now free to go around admitting/using/manipulating the notion that they where a victim of a SM. It's like the lady who spoke over me at my divorce recovery class, she threw up red flags of a controller. There was a time in my last sesion with divorce recovery, (a different group) when the subject that night was about dating and having sex again. Well....I understand the fear and caution. To give yourself time to heal a year or two, whatever. But to hear so many of the women in our little group, give such an overwhelming, emphatic agreement, of " I ain't never havin' sex with anybody, ever again" that was .... disappointing. It also had me questioning how many of them are refusers, controllers, manipulators, narcs, and want to deny any blame for their situation. So...the person who claims" I don't ever want sex again" what does that say about them? Are they afraid of being used by a taker? or are they a taker themselves? That's crazy that the women would say that outloud to me. Don't they think that sex is part of a healthy relationship? I would love to pick those womens' brains. It is my opinion that they will have a tough time sustaining a man's attention if they don't want to have sex however I do know one man for sure that would be ok with that but they better like baseball a lot!! Lol |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 28, 2017 8:03:23 GMT -5
We are certainly in agreement there! Another "concern" is for every person who was in a SM there's someone else who caused it. They too are now free to go around admitting/using/manipulating the notion that they where a victim of a SM. It's like the lady who spoke over me at my divorce recovery class, she threw up red flags of a controller. There was a time in my last sesion with divorce recovery, (a different group) when the subject that night was about dating and having sex again. Well....I understand the fear and caution. To give yourself time to heal a year or two, whatever. But to hear so many of the women in our little group, give such an overwhelming, emphatic agreement, of " I ain't never havin' sex with anybody, ever again" that was .... disappointing. It also had me questioning how many of them are refusers, controllers, manipulators, narcs, and want to deny any blame for their situation. So...the person who claims" I don't ever want sex again" what does that say about them? Are they afraid of being used by a taker? or are they a taker themselves? That's crazy that the women would say that outloud to me. Don't they think that sex is part of a healthy relationship? I would love to pick those womens' brains. It is my opinion that they will have a tough time sustaining a man's attention if they don't want to have sex however I do know one man for sure that would be ok with that but they better like baseball a lot!! Lol Non sex people belong with non sex people. So for every woman that says I'm not having sex again, there is a guy that wants a woman that will not bother him. All I know is if I have another partner, I will be open about my SM history and thier reaction will help me know if they are worth pursuing. I think most people would not understand the the depressing feeling that you know there will not be sex for a long time after an argument or discussion that your spouse doesn't like. Having an new partner that has experienced sex used as a weapon, I would think they would vow to never use sex like that, would go a long way to help keep the walls down. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 28, 2017 8:05:22 GMT -5
We are certainly in agreement there! Another "concern" is for every person who was in a SM there's someone else who caused it. They too are now free to go around admitting/using/manipulating the notion that they where a victim of a SM. It's like the lady who spoke over me at my divorce recovery class, she threw up red flags of a controller. There was a time in my last sesion with divorce recovery, (a different group) when the subject that night was about dating and having sex again. Well....I understand the fear and caution. To give yourself time to heal a year or two, whatever. But to hear so many of the women in our little group, give such an overwhelming, emphatic agreement, of " I ain't never havin' sex with anybody, ever again" that was .... disappointing. It also had me questioning how many of them are refusers, controllers, manipulators, narcs, and want to deny any blame for their situation. So...the person who claims" I don't ever want sex again" what does that say about them? Are they afraid of being used by a taker? or are they a taker themselves? That's crazy that the women would say that outloud to me. Don't they think that sex is part of a healthy relationship? I would love to pick those womens' brains. It is my opinion that they will have a tough time sustaining a man's attention if they don't want to have sex however I do know one man for sure that would be ok with that but they better like baseball a lot!! Lol Yeah... I was sitting here thinking, "I sure hope they put all their cards on the table with any other men that come into their lives." I hope they say upfront, " Lets be friends only for the rest of our lives, sex, intimacy.....I don't see the need for it". Now...granted, I did later say to the lady who was leading our group, " I could discuss a whole lot more about that with you. I think we have very different opinions on that, or maybe we do agree a whole lot, but it sure didn't sound that way". I plan on going out after our meetings with these ladies and continuing our discussions. Here's an example. Last week after our meeting one of the ladies was telling me all about her SM. She was allowing her H to use his low libido, and low self esteem, after leaving the military, as excuses for a SM. The answers I had for her....well they surprised me!! (I have learned a lot on here!!) I said to her, " You have needs, desires, that need to be filled. You took a pledge that says the only person on the planet that will fill those needs is him. He has hands, he has a mouth. What about you? and your needs?" She broke down in happiness and disbelief. She gave me a high five across the table. She light up and said, " yeah!! that is so true! that is so right". |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 28, 2017 21:25:50 GMT -5
Yeah with dating people tell you they want a relationship but they don't mean it. A lot of liars are out there. It seems most men in their 40's or early 50's are just looking for fun, they are divorced and trying to recoup their loses financially and I understand that but don't say you want a relationship if you just want to get laid every now and then. Honesty is tough to find in the dating world. You know, I am still quiet nervous about this subject, dating, and looking for that one special person. To quote Isabellas 39 "If someone is interested in dating many than don't tell me you're looking for one special woman" Doesn't that go back to the old saying?, "you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince." Aren't you going to run into both? The person who's living a lie, and will never settle for one special woman or man. Then there's the person who is actively seeking that special person , but has to go through the "trial, and error" dating process. Beware of the third, the narc. who's looking for another victim. My nervousness/fears are, that I will continue to be a strong giver, and will find a taker. Someone who acts all gracious and giving in return, love bombing, then I discover I have been had by another narc. another taker. Makes it difficult to come out of the cave, but it's slowly ,cautiously happening. [ Just take it slowwww GC. This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I seem to be a magnet for Narcissists...... I'm talking romantic relationships - my actual, irl, friends & family are thankfully not narcissists. We should start that thread for vetting our potential love interests - forum-wide! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2017 1:02:08 GMT -5
Lying sucks and is right up there on the things you dont do list.
I have a super memory and it finds inconsistencies too. Are these lies too?
DO NOT LIE TO ME!!
there is no excuse for lying in a relationship. NONE, zero, nada...
I dont want to know what thoughts you have in your head about Brad Pitt or other silliness...
Yes I still love and honor my wife!!
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 29, 2017 7:27:33 GMT -5
I just saw this topic touched-on in "other relationship issues", but I wanted to throw this out - a different slant on it with regards to future dates/love interests: ------ if you know someone lies to you (even white lies) ...... should you avoid dating this person completely? I know everyone "lies" or as greatcoastal put it, tell "half-truths" sometimes. But if someone lies to you about stupid stuff (when the lies are obvious) - is this a red flag to not date a person like this? Just wondering if I'm hypersensitive to being lied to. My H tells white lies (and has told many big lies) - for such a long time I really find I cannot tolerate it in my life going forward - from people I may date, or even friends - new or old - for that matter. Maybe I just answered my own question. But really, are white lies enough to take someone out of the "possibly date" category? [ (Edit- just to add - I will be out of this thing within a month or so..... so really beginning to wonder about this type of thing. I'm sure I'll have many more questions like this one - thanks in advance 😉) As far as I'm concerned: total no-no. I catch you in a lie, you drop into the 'not trustworthy' box. And, non-trustworthy people break your heart. If you let them. So I keep them at arms length. Fine to go out and have fun with, maybe, visit the zoo, play pool, watch a movie or (once upon a time) go dancing but: no deep emotional entanglements. No way, no how. |
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 29, 2017 7:41:56 GMT -5
After a moment of reflection let me pose this question to everyone. Almost everyone here took a vow, an oath, to "love and honor" our refusers. Now that you don't, are you a liar? Not if you meant it at the time. You can't put the time machine in reverse for this. Things, people, circumstances, relationships change. So what was once the basis of a promise may not exist any more. Vice versa, I don't promise things I don't intend to keep. I promised to "try my best to always respect and never to take for granted" and that holds to this day. I knew better than to promise "make you happy" or "in sickness or in health" etc, because I know: if it comes to self preservation, saving myself comes first. If someone promises me things and falls down two-three times, they lose my business (or, for that matter, if they rip me off ONCE). On a personal level, they will not see me coming around any more. I won't ask for favours any more - I don't need the disappointment. Life's too short, I have no time for that shit. |
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 29, 2017 7:51:10 GMT -5
Yeah with dating people tell you they want a relationship but they don't mean it. A lot of liars are out there. It seems most men in their 40's or early 50's are just looking for fun, they are divorced and trying to recoup their loses financially and I understand that but don't say you want a relationship if you just want to get laid every now and then. Honesty is tough to find in the dating world. It gets absurd some times. I recall the woman who sent me a picture of herself where she looked like a 30 year old Cher. When she came off the plane she was a worn looking 50+ looking dumpy, pudgy Bogan woman. Like: I wasn't going to notice? Talk about shooting own goals. The looks did not deter me - the lies, half truths, and untold truths that followed turned me off like the smell of week old roadkill. But, what in hell was she thinking? Seriously. I may have insecurities about how I look, but am I going to send a picture from Thinkstock, or a photoshopped pic of 25 year old me? |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 29, 2017 8:29:10 GMT -5
Yeah with dating people tell you they want a relationship but they don't mean it. A lot of liars are out there. It seems most men in their 40's or early 50's are just looking for fun, they are divorced and trying to recoup their loses financially and I understand that but don't say you want a relationship if you just want to get laid every now and then. Honesty is tough to find in the dating world. It gets absurd some times. I recall the woman who sent me a picture of herself where she looked like a 30 year old Cher. When she came off the plane she was a worn looking 50+ looking dumpy, pudgy Bogan woman. Like: I wasn't going to notice? Talk about shooting own goals. The looks did not deter me - the lies, half truths, and untold truths that followed turned me off like the smell of week old roadkill. But, what in hell was she thinking? Seriously. I may have insecurities about how I look, but am I going to send a picture from Thinkstock, or a photoshopped pic of 25 year old me? Yes people are nuts. |
|
