|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jun 29, 2017 14:21:48 GMT -5
Hahaha, I love IKEA. If you look, there are short cuts normally built into thier stores to quickly move into the section you want.
Assembling IKEA furniture is usually easy to do, but you have to be the tie if person that likes putting together Legos and is good following the pictures. If your aren't, then don't bother because you will light it on fire right there in the middle of the floor.
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Jun 30, 2017 1:00:24 GMT -5
Hi shamwow I hope everything goes well, I'm sure it will. I finally separated from my wife last Friday, when she moved out. The day itself wasn't bad, I was just too busy and my brother was around to help me to move her stuff. The final moment of 'Goodbye' was awkward but it passed. Personally, the next day was the weirdest day of my life. However, it passed and things are on an even keel. All the very best |
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 30, 2017 9:22:54 GMT -5
Post by shamwow on Jun 30, 2017 9:22:54 GMT -5
Hahaha, I love IKEA. If you look, there are short cuts normally built into thier stores to quickly move into the section you want. Assembling IKEA furniture is usually easy to do, but you have to be the tie if person that likes putting together Legos and is good following the pictures. If your aren't, then don't bother because you will light it on fire right there in the middle of the floor. I have a recessive shopping gene. It results in an acute disorder whose symptoms are irritability, frustration, and on rare occasions lack of bowel control and incontinence (primarily at checkout when the damage is presented). |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 30, 2017 9:26:41 GMT -5
Hi shamwow I hope everything goes well, I'm sure it will. I finally separated from my wife last Friday, when she moved out. The day itself wasn't bad, I was just too busy and my brother was around to help me to move her stuff. The final moment of 'Goodbye' was awkward but it passed. Personally, the next day was the weirdest day of my life. However, it passed and things are on an even keel. All the very best Dinnaken, I have several "weirdest days of my life" along this journey. Many have been almost surreal, such as when my wife and I moved out just to move back in with my parents for another week. Since you are in the exact same boat as I am, I've got a question for you. Have you missed her at all in the past week? It's strange, but you'd think that I'd miss the woman I've been married to at least once in the past week, but I haven't. I'm not sure if this is normal or not. What emotions I have at this point are more relief that I don't have to deal with the elephant in the room day in and day out (and ladies, relax, I'm not calling my wife an elephant). |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 30, 2017 11:05:57 GMT -5
T-Plus-14: Move out of house
T-Minus-?: Divorce Finalized
T-Minus-1: Move into new house
My daughter gets back from a trip with her friend today. Even though it is "my" day, my wife asked if she could take her to get their nails done. Look, this shared visitation thing is new and my wife hasn't seen my daughter in a week. Technically Monday is her day, but she is letting me have her then. Typically my side of the family celebrates the 4th of July (for you Brits, that's the day we commemorate our divorce from the mother country) and her side celebrates Easter. But she didn't need to let me have July 3 too. So my wife won't have seen our daughter for a week and a half by the time she gets her back. I texted my wife and asked her if she also wants to have dinner with our daughter. It's a simple act of kindness. It costs me nothing, and hopefully builds some good will going forward. My wife thanked me and told me that if I wanted to do the same sometime, just let her know.
In reality, this act of kindness actually benefits me more than her. She will have the kids more than I will, and the stretches between visits will be longer for me than her. I'm going to miss my kids terribly (I already do), so as Jesus said "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If my wife slaps me at some point, I'll also try that whole other cheek thing. I'm not a Christian, but quite often, that Jesus dude was onto something.
So tomorrow is moving day part deux. I've got two different furniture companies delivering and assembling furniture. I have a mattress company delivering mattresses. We have a moving company getting our stuff out of storage and getting it to my house (I really hope it's not ALL broken). My Dad and I have things we need to move from his house. I have utilities being hooked up. Since I haven't seen the house since I initially looked at it (which did not include measuring), I also need to measure for some additional furniture and TVs. The holiday weekend has a bunch of sales, so the timing is probably good too. Did I mention I hate shopping? Note to any guys getting divorced...if you hate shopping, brace yourself.
My folks will stay at the house and accept deliveries. The kids will be there to make sure their furniture gets set up the way they want it while I deal with the movers. Two storage units sounds like a lot, but one is just furniture. I gave my wife the option to take anything she wanted, and she passed on much of the furniture. I snatched that shit up as fast as I could. Granted one of the couches is pretty rough, but I have a 3,800 square foot bachelor pad to fill up...I'll take what I can get. The second storage unit is mainly boxes and such. I honestly don't have all that much to show for 20 years. But I do have my freedom. Perhaps it is time to get some blue face paint and do my best Mel Gibson impression and yell "FREEDOM!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 11:22:12 GMT -5
Since you are in the exact same boat as I am, I've got a question for you. Have you missed her at all in the past week? Well, I have been out over a year, & I wanted to answer this. No, I have not. I have been too busy enjoying my peaceful home. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jun 30, 2017 14:50:41 GMT -5
I can't help but note you still call her your wife. I know soon-to-be-ex (stbx) is a mouthful but wondering if it's a conscious thing on your part or?? Something else? What does "wife" mean at this stage? Not saying you should call her something else, just curious about the semantics I guess. I know when I was divorcing my ex was my ex. A new word, a new role in my life. I probably shouldn't even ask this, it was just something I noticed. I know you are a man of symbolism and meaning too, so perhaps you are awaiting that finalization from the judge before switching her name. At any rate, kudos to continued amicability. It really is best that way. I have a great ex in my husband's ex simply because they were human to each other afterwards, even and especially in front of their kids. I think that's the main reason his daughters were (and are) so accepting of me now that I think of it. Keep it up!! 😊
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Jun 30, 2017 15:01:57 GMT -5
Hi shamwowIn short - no - I have not missed my wife; there is no malice in that statement or any triumphalism. I don't feel jubilant, there has been no rejoicing; like you I feel relief. For good or ill, I have made the change I had to make for my happiness and my sanity. There is no anger or sense of having 'put one over on her' - of having 'got my own back for what she put me through'. I think that is pointless and pissing about, there is enough unhappiness in this world without my pettiness adding to it. Simply put, I am relaxed and content. Besides, like you I have a dependant child to look after, bills to pay, work to do etc. In other words, I once again have a life to live and that is good. I wouldn't want anyone reading this post to think that the last six months haven't been f**king awful at times - because they have - but that ended eight days ago and I get what you mean by the elephant in the room; for me it's gone and with time its ghost will fade. Bye for now |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 30, 2017 15:55:52 GMT -5
I can't help but note you still call her your wife. I know soon-to-be-ex (stbx) is a mouthful but wondering if it's a conscious thing on your part or?? Something else? What does "wife" mean at this stage? Not saying you should call her something else, just curious about the semantics I guess. I know when I was divorcing my ex was my ex. A new word, a new role in my life. I probably shouldn't even ask this, it was just something I noticed. I know you are a man of symbolism and meaning too, so perhaps you are awaiting that finalization from the judge before switching her name. At any rate, kudos to continued amicability. It really is best that way. I have a great ex in my husband's ex simply because they were human to each other afterwards, even and especially in front of their kids. I think that's the main reason his daughters were (and are) so accepting of me now that I think of it. Keep it up!! 😊 I do use the term "wife" deliberately. For me, until the marriage is formally dissolved, we are still married. Personally, I never cared for the STBX term (although on occasion I have used it here myself). As strange as it may sound, STBX sounds a bit disrespectful towards someone I do not hate, but spent 20 years of my life with. Yes, she baited and switched me, and has caused me more pain than any other person ever has. But she is still the mother of my children, and that won't change. So until the divorce is final she will remain my wife. The minute after, she will be my ex-wife. However, that has not stopped me from moving on. If you haven't figured this out, I'm a bit of an odd bird on certain things. As far as the amicability, she deserves as much credit as I do. Neither of us are "fighters" to begin with which helps. The kids are the most important thing in both of our lives, and fighting will do nothing but hurt them. There were only two points where the process threatened to become contentious. Unsurprisingly, they involved the kids and finances. On the "kids" front, I wanted 50/50 custody. It was the first time she she said out loud that she would go scorched earth over it. I am a VERY involved dad. The idea of seeing them 50/50 drove me nuts, and less than that even more so. But in time, I realized that while my life revolves around the kids, hers is defined by them. Our custody sharing arrangement still favors her, but we are amicable and flexible. Oh, and she has absolutely no fucking idea how hard it is going to be to work and still be the same "super mom" she has been as a SAHM while trying to put food on the table. I know how hard it is to work full time (sometimes up to 5 jobs at a time) and be "super dad". I suspect that she will want all the help she can get once the "my kids are my possession" phase passes for her. On the finances, a few months back, she said that because I make more money we should split things 55/45 and our attorneys should work it out. Put aside the fact she had not yet retained an attorney and was getting her legal advice from the prestigious law firm of Facebook & Friends. I knew this was going to come eventually. Without going into great details, there was about $40,000 on the table that if I chose to, could pull from community property and use as personal property, pulling it off the table. I explained this to her, showing how even if she got 55/45 she would still wind up with less money. Then I told her something along the lines of "If I ever hear the words 55/45 or let our attorneys hash it out we will immediately without further discussion go to plan B. Plan is the hard way. Let's keep this on the easy way, ok?" Look, I am striving to do this with kindness, but it should never be mistaken for weakness. So with that, I used my carrot as a potential stick and enforced compliance with the "easy way." You may see me quoting Jesus and Buddha here and there, but sometimes Teddy Roosevelt is right that you should speak softly but carry a big stick. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 1, 2017 4:48:39 GMT -5
T-Plus-15: Move out of house
T-Minus-?: Divorce Finalized
T-Minus-0: Move into new house
Houston, we have third stage ignition.
I lying here in bed at 4am waiting like a kid on Christmas morning. I got the email with the code to my new rental house. Last night my daughter got back from a week long trip to Austin with a friend and my family was together for the first time on almost a week.
It was like getting the band back together.
Today is gonna be kind of Dad-centric. Sorry ladies. If any of you have anything to add / disagree with PLEASE chime in. 4am just isn't the time for me to channel my inner woman.
For years now, my wife have taken separate vacations with the kids far more often than all going together as a family. I also spend a TON of time with them one on one. The result is that the three of us hanging out together last night didn't feel weird or awkward at ALL.
I suspect that for many dads, those first nights with the kids will seem awkward if you have not already established these habits and customs beforehand. My advice to any dads (and it's usually the dads) is to establish these customs months and years in advance. I literally logged the past 2 years on habit tracking app to establish I spent time with the kids every single day. I did it in case there were custody issues but the habit it instilled has built a bridge so strong that it should weather any storm.
Look, your spouse may be a bitch. You cannot control that. But the relationship you have with your kids IS in YOUR control. Regardless of your relationship with your spouse you need to work on the relationship with the kids every single fucking day. You are their father. You signed up for the job and it's a lot more than cutting a child support check every month.
If you don't have them, learn some survival skills. Learn to cook (not microwave pizza rolls) , clean, do laundry....you know... Guy work. Ideally make sure the kids know how too. It doesn't matter how young.
The payoff for years of being a great dad comes today. As I sat with my kids last night they were genuinely excited about moving to the new house. I hope they will also be excited when moving day comes for mom. The dividend in reaping now is that I have two kids, equally comfortable living with mom and dad. They are not worried they will starve because dad can't cook. They know they won't live in filth. They know that the times together will be fun and even adventures.
In 5 years my youngest will be 18 and leave the nest. Today is about ensuring these last few years are BETTER for the kid's than they would have been had my wife and I stayed together and allowed our cold war to continue.
Last weekend was about reestablishing my independence. This weekend is about reaffirming INTERDEPENDENCE with my kids absent my wife. You cannot have interdependence without first being independent. But I think the next four days are going to be the start of amazing adventure with my kids and I.
It is the greatest honor in my life to be their Dad.
Houston, stage three ignition complete and preparing for lunar orbit insertion. Over.
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 1, 2017 4:57:22 GMT -5
T-Plus-15: Move out of house T-Minus-?: Divorce Finalized T-Minus-0: Move into new house Houston, we have third stage ignition. I lying here in bed at 4am waiting like a kid on Christmas morning. I got the email with the code to my new rental house. Last night my daughter got back from a week long trip to Austin with a friend and my family was together for the first time on almost a week. It was like getting the band back together. Today is gonna be kind of Dad-centric. Sorry ladies. If any of you have anything to add / disagree with PLEASE chime in. 4am just isn't the time for me to channel my inner woman. For years now, my wife have taken separate vacations with the kids far more often than all going together as a family. I also spend a TON of time with them one on one. The result is that the three of us hanging out together last night didn't feel weird or awkward at ALL. I suspect that for many dads, those first nights with the kids will seem awkward if you have not already established these habits and customs beforehand. My advice to any dads (and it's usually the dads) is to establish these customs months and years in advance. I literally logged the past 2 years on habit tracking app to establish I spent time with the kids every single day. I did it in case there were custody issues but the habit it instilled has built a bridge so strong that it should weather any storm. Look, your spouse may be a bitch. You cannot control that. But the relationship you have with your kids IS in YOUR control. Regardless of your relationship with your spouse you need to work on the relationship with the kids every single fucking day. You are their father. You signed up for the job and it's a lot more than cutting a child support check every month. If you don't have them, learn some survival skills. Learn to cook (not microwave pizza rolls) , clean, do laundry....you know... Guy work. Ideally make sure the kids know how too. It doesn't matter how young. The payoff for years of being a great dad comes today. As I sat with my kids last night they were genuinely excited about moving to the new house. I hope they will also be excited when moving day comes for mom. The dividend in reaping now is that I have two kids, equally comfortable living with mom and dad. They are not worried they will starve because dad can't cook. They know they won't live in filth. They know that the times together will be fun and even adventures. In 5 years my youngest will be 18 and leave the nest. Today is about ensuring these last few years are BETTER for the kid's than they would have been had my wife and I stayed together and allowed our cold war to continue. Last weekend was about reestablishing my independence. This weekend is about reaffirming INTERDEPENDENCE with my kids absent my wife. You cannot have interdependence without first being independent. But I think the next four days are going to be the start of amazing adventure with my kids and I. It is the greatest honor in my life to be their Dad. Houston, stage three ignition complete and preparing for lunar orbit insertion. Over. This is fabulous. I have a wee tear in my eye. Work hard and earn yourself a rest tonight. Lots of love Shammenator xxx |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 5, 2017 11:20:20 GMT -5
T-Plus-19: Move out of house
T-Minus-?: Divorce Finalized
T-Plus-4: Move into new house
So I haven't been on in a few days. The reason why is that I've been focusing all of my attention on the move and then getting my family situated in the new house. For the most part, the move went smoothly and we are...well...situated. There were a few little issues like forgetting to hook up water (a wrench took care of that over the holiday weekend). But for the most part, my months of planning paid huge dividends.
- The kid's furniture is set up
- My bedroom is unpacked
- My kitchen is unpacked
- My study still has to be entered and unpacked
- My garage is a (barely) demilitarized zone
I've made an ungodly number of trips to the home furnishings store (I found somewhere worse than IKEA). I've got all the kitchen stuff the wife took (let her have it...I got better stuff). My kids are adjusting well. They had friends over this weekend and they spent the night. Pretty much, the same as it would have been back at the old house other than it was just the three of us. I do have to say...I know why you ladies like the bigger closet. I pretty much commandeered both the his and her closets (the gun safe, of course going into the "his").
So the house has a formal dining room. My wife is taking the formal dining room set (understandable since it came from her family). My mom had a suggestion for me. She suggested taking the wrought iron outdoor picnic table and putting it in the dining room after spray painting it black. Ok, I'm a bit Sanford and Son myself, but come on...outdoor furniture should stay outdoors. But I did run with the idea. I suggested instead of spray painting it black, I paint it metallic gold. I mean, I want a dining room table that Donald Trump would be proud to eat at. My mom was horrified (about the color, not Trump). I've been running with this idea in addition to the stripper pole and concert posters tacked on the walls, but I'm going to tone it down a bit. My daughter is feeling a bit testosterone overwhelmed by my son and I (mainly me) I think. That's why her and I have been working on the decorating with a bit of a woman's touch in mind. I want both my kids to feel comfortable. My wife will do the same with my son. He can decorate his stuff however he wants to at her place. So sorry, gang...no stripper poles. Now in 2 years when my daughter turns 18 and moves out? And it's just my son and I? Hmmmmmm
Today was the first custody "hand off" we've done. My daughter will drive herself and her brother to College Station, TX where my wife is staying. Because of the peculiarities of the custody schedule, I will get them back again tomorrow through Monday. Now that most of the essential stuff is unpacked, I want to use those days to decorate and personalize their rooms. I'm hanging pictures all over the house. Mostly the three of us, but also some with Mom in there. I'm not going to pretend she doesn't exist. She is part of their lives and those times of us as a family (when we behaved as a family) should be remembered fondly.
My son got sick yesterday and we didn't do fireworks (tradition). I did buy them, though, and we will take a rain check on it. Probably this weekend. My wife had a ton of amazingly profound advice on how to take care of my son (give him pepto, give him some chicken soup, keep fluids in him, let him rest, etc...). I'm so glad she piped in since I never would have figured out that out myself. In all seriousness, though, even though I didn't need the advice (I had already done all of it), it probably made her feel better. It has to be hard to be Mom with a sick kid you can't take care of. So I let her explain me to me the obvious, understanding where it was coming from.
My wife's attorney had some minor changes to the divorce decree. Most of them we had talked about before, but there were a couple that we hadn't talked about before. I'm fine with the changes and as long as my lawyer is OK with them, I just want this damn thing over. We had discussions today regarding which of us can claim the kids on our taxes. It makes one hell of a lot more sense for me to, but she wants a cut of whatever money I save on my taxes. We won't write that into the decree, but work it out in April. If it doesn't cut my way, so be it. The faster we get this decree done, the faster this nickel and dime stuff is over.
Tonight is a special night. For two years, I've been dreading it. It will be the first night I will be alone in my own place without the kids. All alone. As I sit at home tonight, I'll be wondering if I made the right decision. All this pain (on myself, my kids, and even my wife). Was it worth it? Right now, I have a feeling the answer is FUCK YES! But I'll do an update afterwards. Probably the biggest thing I'm worried about is drinking. At some point, I will be left to my own devices and will be feeling down. My house right now doesn't have a drop of alcohol in it, but that could be remedied quickly if I were to cave. In the next couple weeks I will start going to AA meetings. I do think I need help on this. So far I've been able to "white knuckle" it, but there have been enough instances where it was a really close thing. I've been sober for over 6 months now, and I don't want to do anything to fuck that up.
So on that cheery note...Off to face another day!
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jul 5, 2017 11:41:43 GMT -5
shamwowIf you don't want to be completely alone, I am certain there are a few of us that will gladly join you for a last minute skype session.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 5, 2017 11:57:02 GMT -5
shamwow If you don't want to be completely alone, I am certain there are a few of us that will gladly join you for a last minute skype session. Honestly, after going through this whole process, my fear being alone and wondering if I made a mistake has dropped down to almost negligible. When I was ankle deep in the shit hole, I had so many more of these worries. It was almost like Stockholm Syndrome. Now, I do want her to be OK, mainly because it is in the best interest of the kids. But other than doing the kid hand offs, I don't really plan on contacting her unless I have to. The spell has been broken. I've got my freedom. She will get half of our stuff, and that's fair. Half of it is hers. She will get 5 years of child support. That is also fair. They are my kids and I should make sure that when they are at her place they are taken care of. But in 2 years that amount goes down. In 5 years, it all goes away. But even this morning, she is still asking questions about what's in it for her. Where she can squeeze a few more bucks from me. All I really have been for years is an ATM with an unwanted appendage. So the idea I will realize I made a horrible mistake tonight is almost laughable. But thank you for the kind offer of Skype. I think I'll take a rain check tonight (although maybe some other time). I need to get used to the idea of coming home to an empty house. It's part of my new reality. But it is exclusively the kids (and dog) I will miss. My wife? Nope. I'm not making any kind of mistake there. Not even a tiny bit. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 5, 2017 12:32:33 GMT -5
I just signed the final divorce decree...Just need to turn in a power of attorney to transfer the title of the car to her and then file paperwork.
Then to the courthouse... Is it kind of weird that I signed the decree without any emotion at all? The marriage is over. This is just paper.
|
|
