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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2017 20:40:00 GMT -5
Happy Birthday to you!! My BD is this Sat. I'll be 54 yrs old. (not real happy about that-but age has a weird way of adding up!!) Like yourself being married to my detached controlling spouse, BD turns out to be "escape day, or what do I wan't to do alone day".
Having someone who cherishes you and wants to make you feel desired sounds mind blowing!! Something so emotional it would bring tears of joy and thankful-almost undeserving- emotions.
If your family has been through what mine went through, those kind of feelings are long diminished and everyone is tolerating each other after years of training that your just not good enough. Add onto that the "when will this divorce be over, so we can move on without you, turmoil." I'll just be happy to be mowing grass, away from other people and enjoying the great outdoors on my upcoming BD.
Bd's can be like Christmas and other holidays. It brings up painful memories. So expecting everyone to be all happy and living in the land of rainbows and unicorns isn't always the best approach. You are doing well to think it out and see what happens as time goes by. Then again you can be bold, more adventurous, take a risk and see how much you and your teens want to be together on these days. Especially if you can plan some fun memorable events, new adventures! (maybe time to be Disney dad)
Also what you would want to do and whats fun for your 16 yr. old daughter will be a world apart from your 13 yr. old son. Make it two separate days for celebrating a BD. The entire family doesn't always have to be together.
PS. My daughter was on crutches for 7 months. You should buy some crutch pads (on line) or at the drug store. About $25. Small compact, very helpful. Especially for a sweaty teenager, less sweat and better comfort. You'll win parent points! (My daughter loves loaning them out to any else she sees at school with crutches)
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 13, 2017 0:03:02 GMT -5
Partly, the disappointment is from having expectations that weren’t met.
I think the fairest approach is not to try to teach, train, or change the kids but rather to honestly share your feelings about what happened.
Son, it really made me sad that it seemed like you forgot my birthday. I didn’t expect anything huge but I thought you would tell me happy birthday- especially while you actively playing around with a birthday balloon for Mr. Guest. I just thought your mom & I had taught you better manners. I can’t change you, I don’t want to, but I at least thought you deserved to know that it hurt my feelings.
And that’s it. If he apologizes or gets defensive— you can talk about how treating other people with love & kindness is it’s own reward and as a Dad you feel it’s important you’re able to impart this to him. But he’s a kid & he’s allowed to mess up, too. “I kind of hope you won’t treat your mom that way when her birthday comes up”
Then don’t nanny him about Ex’s birthday. If he remembers, offer to help him by driving him to a store (do not chip in, or do for him, like GC has said - his comments all good advice there)
A lot is just his age, and gender (I’m sure it’s “not cool” or something). Some of it is that his mom didn’t help remind (& I wouldn’t expect her to - ever, now henceforth).
I’m sorry it was a kinda sucky birthday day - but I believe your lady will make you forget all about that, honestly. 😉
Still - teaching manners may be important however I think the deepest truths are transmitted most clearly when we simply share OUR OWN honest feelings with people. If they change their ways to become kinder people, great. If they don’t, well - at least we are not guilty of trying to control, manipulate, etc another.
Happy belated birthday Shammy. Here’s to birthday sex ON your 46th, buddy. Cheers.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2017 0:30:14 GMT -5
Sorry your birthday wasn’t the best. I will be brief here: I second what flashjohn said. |
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Post by baza on Oct 13, 2017 1:00:01 GMT -5
You may yet be to see further beathtaking instances of how self centered 13/16 year old boys can be Brother shamwow . That was my experience WITHIN my ILIASM deal when my kids were at that age. It passes (thank fuck) And sometimes, the same kid can suddenly do something incredibly thoughtful and take you quite by surprise. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 13, 2017 1:15:08 GMT -5
shamwow, do as you would have your kids learn. Big kudos to your daughter for a) remembering, and b) doing something, no matter how small. Your son was being a typical self-focused early teen. It's your job to train him otherwise. Teens (and even young adults) suck at remembering birthdays, Mother's Day, and the like. It's on you to teach them ways to remember, instill in them that certain of these days are especially significant to some people (even if not to them), and they need to be diligent about planning ahead and observing the event. (They surely wouldn't be happy if you "forgot" about Christmas gifts for them.) So, no, this isn't the time to exact revenge on your ex, timely and tempting though it may be. It's a good time to reinforce proper behavior / manners with your kids.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 13, 2017 10:41:27 GMT -5
Everyone, thanks for the good (as usual) advice.
I didn't understand why people always warned about "wait until they are teenagers" with doom and gloom in their voice. To me, it always was a great goal to hit. I don't have to (literally) wipe their ass, feed them, entertain them, make sure they don't swallow laundry detergent, etc...
But the issues they had before the divorce are the same as they have after the divorce. Teenage kids are teenage kids. Some gentle prodding seems to be in order, but the sky isn't falling. And in a few years, they will be grown and gone. I need to cherish my time with them even though I want to strangle them some of the time. My ex? She will continue to be my ex and do little hit and run shit. That's what exes are supposed to do, I guess. I probably return the favor more than I should.
But for today? I'm grateful that the fall weather is finally starting to come in. I'm grateful I still see my kids and remain present and active in their lives. I'm grateful that I'm healthy even in my decrepit old age. I'm grateful that my lady will be flying out to see me in a matter of hours.
It's amazing what tiny bumps in the road these things are when you consider the meltdown I was going through a year ago.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2017 12:28:32 GMT -5
T-Plus-99: Divorce Finalized Everything seems "Normal". It is amazing. I woke up this morning and that thought went through my head. I had to get out of bed, shower, shave, get dressed, struggle through the horrible Houston traffic. I got to work and I'm now eating lunch. My teens are being...well...teens. I spend time with them, but mainly they are absorbed in themselves and their activities. I get it. Days at a time sometimes pass and I don't even think about my former tormentor / refuser. I wish I could say the same thing about wanting a drink, but I am beginning to suspect that particular gift from my marriage will keep giving for the rest of my life. Going to AA meetings is starting to fall into my schedule the same way as taking my son to baseball practice. Flying across the country to see ballofconfusion is also becoming part (probably the best part) of the pattern of my new life. I never thought cramming my 6 foot 3 ass into airplane seats would be something I'd eagerly look forward to days in advance (she just got back this Monday, and I'll see her again next Friday). Yes, I'm poorer as I pay for my own household, and pay for my ex's mortgage, utilities, and food in child support. But I'm returning to sanity which is priceless. Go back a year and things were also "normal". Wake up in the morning with a headache and take some ECA to banish the hangover. Slap myself together and get to work where I muddled my way through the day. Scream at people in traffic even though all they are trying to do is get home just like me. When I got home, head to the bathroom and jerk off to some porn. The highlight of my day was if the kids had an activity I could participate in. Otherwise, eat some dinner and have a "couple" beers and watch TV until bedtime. When I would turn off the lights in the living room, I would see the bedroom light turn off immediately (as though I can't see under the door), and she would be "sound asleep" in 20 seconds. Often times, I'd turn the lights back on in the living room and just keep drinking so I could knock down my libido and fall asleep quicker (aka pass out or "time travel"). Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Literally trying to run the clock out on life. Now, granted, I wouldn't have wanted to fuck my drunk ass either. But my ex-wife refused me for 20 years, dating back to plane's wheels touching down coming back from the honeymoon. It took 20 years for my own (once energetic) self to deteriorate into this sad state of affairs. It's taken a full year to break myself free of the physiological, psychological, and emotional damage. And I'm just starting my recovery. It's kind of amazing what a difference a year can make. My new "normal" has taken more effort, pain, and luck than I would have thought possible. I've had solid weeks where I broke down uncontrollably in tears. My fears ruled me for much of that time, but as things moved forward, those fears never materialized quite as badly as I had imagined them. In AA, we are encouraged to be grateful for something every day. Today, I am grateful for this forum. Without this group, I probably still would have left, but it would have been an exponentially more difficult journey. I'm grateful for everyone here and that we can lean on each other no matter which path we choose. Stay or Leave...cheat is just a coping mechanism for one of the first two. This group truly provides critical support and the knowledge we are not alone. Paul |
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 19, 2017 12:48:01 GMT -5
Hi shamwow This is just great to read As you say, we all have our choices to make - the key thing is that, whichever choice we make, we end up in a happier place than when we first arrived here. I think we both left our SM at around the same time and four months out everything just seems 'normal' - it's wonderful. All the very best Steve |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2017 12:52:24 GMT -5
Hi shamwow This is just great to read As you say, we all have our choices to make - the key thing is that, whichever choice we make, we end up in a happier place than when we first arrived here. I think we both left our SM at around the say time and four months out everything just seems 'normal' - it's wonderful. All the very best Steve Amen, brother. Things are not perfect (nothing in life is). But I'm grateful for what I have and for everyone here. |
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 19, 2017 13:48:39 GMT -5
Yes, When I found this site in 2016 I realised that 'It wasn't me' and that was the sharp kick I needed to make the changes I needed to make in my life. Like you I am just so grateful for what I now have.
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Post by h on Oct 19, 2017 14:55:32 GMT -5
Reading your Wash. Rinse. Repeat. really hit home for me. I had been running out the clock on life for years too. My pattern was slightly different but similar. No screaming at traffic (there isn't any traffic here) but there was daily jerking off and drinking myself stupid to kill the libido. I dialed back the drinking once I started in here. This place has been a lifesaver. I know that if I hadn't found this group, I probably would have spiralled down into rock bottom at some point.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 19, 2017 18:13:51 GMT -5
Reading your Wash. Rinse. Repeat. really hit home for me. I had been running out the clock on life for years too. My pattern was slightly different but similar. No screaming at traffic (there isn't any traffic here) but there was daily jerking off and drinking myself stupid to kill the libido. I dialed back the drinking once I started in here. This place has been a lifesaver. I know that if I hadn't found this group, I probably would have spiralled down into rock bottom at some point. Not that I wan't anyone to hit rock bottom-- but here's a helpful phrase, "rock bottom is a very good place to build a foundation". |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 19, 2017 18:17:37 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 19, 2017 18:23:49 GMT -5
Am glad you found it! YOU also get to help others with your advice, experience, wisdom, passion, concern and humor!! I thank you for that! Now and in the future you will have a gift to share with others who need it as you continue to heal and grow, a win, win situation!  |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2017 20:20:37 GMT -5
Which is exactly the reason I'm grateful for this forum and everyone who contributes. |
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