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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 26, 2017 18:44:50 GMT -5
Shammy/Ball. Flash John/Kimmie you are such radiantly happy and beautiful people! Glad you found each other! Curious about whether you thought you were good looking when you were in the throes of your sm. I know I felt I was hideously ugly. My why chasing included looking for physical reasons in myself that must be repulsive to my husband. 29 years ago, after our last child was born, I settled on a vertical c section scar. Of course I also assumed my face must be unbearably homely. Even when I dieted, exercised and at 50 had to avoid catcalls I still was sure there was something wrong with my looks. Amazing how much leaving my sm did for my happiness and confidence even before I found a partner Anyway, at 66 and 65 my post sm lover and I post lots of happy selfies. We love the way each other looking oks and we are happy. I bet there are people still in sm marriages who feel homely. I bet what's ugly is not their looks, but their marriage. I will speak for myself and for my lady here. When I was in my SM, I didn't exactly think I was homely, but I sure as hell had body image issues. - My balding head - When I put on a little weight I have a bubble butt - I've never had "muscles" even when working out - At one point, I had a super-sexy triple chin Other body image issues were less obvious for an outsider: - My tongue was never clipped so I never considered myself a good kisser (and, of course, other uses of the tongue) - As like every guy, I wondered about the length and girth of my ding dong. During my SM, all of these became just more "why" chasing, and as I explored each one, I became more and more convinced that these were the reasons I was unfuckable. Each one brought me further into depression. Now I know I'm not a movie star, but I'm also not as bad as I had torn myself down to. ballofconfusion has shown me that I am attractive...at least to her, and that's all I care about. There are times I find myself having trouble believing her, but she is persistent, and over time, the negative views of myself have started to recede. For example, I used to wear a baseball cap everywhere to hide my balding head. Now, I find myself wearing one where appropriate (i.e. baseball practice). I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin now that I realize it wasn't me that had the problem. That was a big deal and will probably take a while to work through. I won't speak for my lady, but she also has body image issues despite my protestations. I know she is beautiful, but I also understand how much easier it is to say that to someone else instead of being able to look in the mirror and say it to yourself...especially after living in the SM shithole for decades. But like me, she is making tremendous progress in understanding that it was her STBX who had the problem, not her. I hope that answers the question. Shit, except for the triple chin (only a double at times) those could be my insecurities as well. Even with a normal length tongue I still have issues that I'm a bad kisser or am bad going to lady town. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 26, 2017 19:25:57 GMT -5
flashjohn - You two obviously belong together.  I know in my SM we did NOT look good together. When someone took a picture of me and my ex, he was kinda pulling away -- I pointed it out once but he said I was "delusional." Um, no - I was spot freaking on. My man now always leans into me - pulls me close. There's just something to be said for that. I think happy looking couples are actually happy. You can't fake the kind of happy that radiates in your heart and comes out in your eyes and smile. Funny you say that. I remember at one point looking at photos and you could literally see when the daylight began to open between my ex-wife and I. It pretty much started as soon as the words "I do" were uttered, although on occasion it closed. Over time, the distance between us began to show on our faces as well. The smiles became plastered on and there was no sparkle in either of our eyes. Aah...yes... lets not forget about those "family" photos. Each of us holding little children, one parent on one end one parent on the other, children lined up in-between. Rarely -if ever- where there photos of the two of us side by side, then kids long with us. Reminds of all those years when we would enter and or sit at a restaurant, church, or theater. ( Then there is my case, add the FIL along with us...so much unforeseen triangulation!) One parent at the front of the line, one parent at the back of the line! Then, finally, when all the kids would be in bed, and there was time to be "together".......well- we all know how that goes!! |
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Post by TMD on Sept 26, 2017 21:28:36 GMT -5
Ok, just so you guys can see faces, here is a pic of ballofconfusion and ol' Shammy at the U2 concert Friday (posted with my lady's permission, of course).  It felt really good being the couple at the concert hugging, kissing, and rocking back and forth to the music. For years I've hated seeing those couples (why in the fuck can't that be me?!?!?!?!?!). At the concert, we saw lots of "walking dead" couples and agreed it was amazing for the first time in our lives to be on the other side of that particular fence. Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side. And yes, I'm almost a foot taller than her (she was wearing 3 inch heels in that picture). She's my little squirt and I love wrapping my condor arms around her. Beautiful, happy faces! And I have some good news for you... ![]() although, I don't believe you have to be married to have a great relationship!  |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 26, 2017 21:49:34 GMT -5
I will speak for myself and for my lady here. When I was in my SM, I didn't exactly think I was homely, but I sure as hell had body image issues. - My balding head - When I put on a little weight I have a bubble butt - I've never had "muscles" even when working out - At one point, I had a super-sexy triple chin Other body image issues were less obvious for an outsider: - My tongue was never clipped so I never considered myself a good kisser (and, of course, other uses of the tongue) - As like every guy, I wondered about the length and girth of my ding dong. During my SM, all of these became just more "why" chasing, and as I explored each one, I became more and more convinced that these were the reasons I was unfuckable. Each one brought me further into depression. Now I know I'm not a movie star, but I'm also not as bad as I had torn myself down to. ballofconfusion has shown me that I am attractive...at least to her, and that's all I care about. There are times I find myself having trouble believing her, but she is persistent, and over time, the negative views of myself have started to recede. For example, I used to wear a baseball cap everywhere to hide my balding head. Now, I find myself wearing one where appropriate (i.e. baseball practice). I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin now that I realize it wasn't me that had the problem. That was a big deal and will probably take a while to work through. I won't speak for my lady, but she also has body image issues despite my protestations. I know she is beautiful, but I also understand how much easier it is to say that to someone else instead of being able to look in the mirror and say it to yourself...especially after living in the SM shithole for decades. But like me, she is making tremendous progress in understanding that it was her STBX who had the problem, not her. I hope that answers the question. Shit, except for the triple chin (only a double at times) those could be my insecurities as well. Even with a normal length tongue I still have issues that I'm a bad kisser or am bad going to lady town. Among many amazing things, having gone through such similar experiences, my lady and I don't have anything to "prove" to each other. That means we are free to experiment, learn, and explore in a way we were never able to do with out exes. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 26, 2017 22:18:20 GMT -5
This post tho...I think shamwow captures the essence of what many of us males and Im guessing the females too, experience. I never exactly considered myself ugly or difficult on the eyes until the SM began its descent down the slippery slope. The upside? I have become a little more vain in pickinng out the wardrobe, getting in shape, keeping the hair tightly groomed, smiling more, laughing more and louder. Not like "they" notice. But thats not the point, is it? I've also since gone commando and let me tell you the ladies notice. Wife has even complained she doesnt "approve"...lol. I say YOLO Shammy/Ball. Flash John/Kimmie you are such radiantly happy and beautiful people! Glad you found each other! Curious about whether you thought you were good looking when you were in the throes of your sm. I know I felt I was hideously ugly. My why chasing included looking for physical reasons in myself that must be repulsive to my husband. 29 years ago, after our last child was born, I settled on a vertical c section scar. Of course I also assumed my face must be unbearably homely. Even when I dieted, exercised and at 50 had to avoid catcalls I still was sure there was something wrong with my looks. Amazing how much leaving my sm did for my happiness and confidence even before I found a partner Anyway, at 66 and 65 my post sm lover and I post lots of happy selfies. We love the way each other looking oks and we are happy. I bet there are people still in sm marriages who feel homely. I bet what's ugly is not their looks, but their marriage. I will speak for myself and for my lady here. When I was in my SM, I didn't exactly think I was homely, but I sure as hell had body image issues. - My balding head - When I put on a little weight I have a bubble butt - I've never had "muscles" even when working out - At one point, I had a super-sexy triple chin Other body image issues were less obvious for an outsider: - My tongue was never clipped so I never considered myself a good kisser (and, of course, other uses of the tongue) - As like every guy, I wondered about the length and girth of my ding dong. During my SM, all of these became just more "why" chasing, and as I explored each one, I became more and more convinced that these were the reasons I was unfuckable. Each one brought me further into depression. Now I know I'm not a movie star, but I'm also not as bad as I had torn myself down to. ballofconfusion has shown me that I am attractive...at least to her, and that's all I care about. There are times I find myself having trouble believing her, but she is persistent, and over time, the negative views of myself have started to recede. For example, I used to wear a baseball cap everywhere to hide my balding head. Now, I find myself wearing one where appropriate (i.e. baseball practice). I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin now that I realize it wasn't me that had the problem. That was a big deal and will probably take a while to work through. I won't speak for my lady, but she also has body image issues despite my protestations. I know she is beautiful, but I also understand how much easier it is to say that to someone else instead of being able to look in the mirror and say it to yourself...especially after living in the SM shithole for decades. But like me, she is making tremendous progress in understanding that it was her STBX who had the problem, not her. I hope that answers the question. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 27, 2017 8:08:07 GMT -5
Ok, just so you guys can see faces, here is a pic of ballofconfusion and ol' Shammy at the U2 concert Friday (posted with my lady's permission, of course). It felt really good being the couple at the concert hugging, kissing, and rocking back and forth to the music. For years I've hated seeing those couples (why in the fuck can't that be me?!?!?!?!?!). At the concert, we saw lots of "walking dead" couples and agreed it was amazing for the first time in our lives to be on the other side of that particular fence. Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side. And yes, I'm almost a foot taller than her (she was wearing 3 inch heels in that picture). She's my little squirt and I love wrapping my condor arms around her. Beautiful, happy faces! And I have some good news for you... ![]() although, I don't believe you have to be married to have a great relationship! Ha! That pic is just about our height difference. But don't show it to ballofconfusion. That guy is hot and she might run off on me  |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 9:24:56 GMT -5
Beautiful, happy faces! And I have some good news for you... ![]() although, I don't believe you have to be married to have a great relationship! Ok, this is hilarious. I am just under 5'11" and Kimmie is 5'4". I think that qualifies as a significant height difference. |
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Post by ballofconfusion on Sept 27, 2017 11:38:46 GMT -5
Not running shamwow. You are the love of my life. You're also far sexier than that man and - with all due apologies to the men on this forum - every other man. 😉
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 27, 2017 16:07:38 GMT -5
Not running shamwow. You are the love of my life. You're also far sexier than that man and - with all due apologies to the men on this forum - every other man. 😉 You pair. Oh my. I love this so much. The picture of you both needs no words. I can feel the love. Im so happy for you xxx |
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Post by TMD on Sept 27, 2017 19:57:38 GMT -5
Not running shamwow. You are the love of my life. You're also far sexier than that man and - with all due apologies to the men on this forum - every other man. 😉 You pair. Oh my. I love this so much. The picture of you both needs no words. I can feel the love. Im so happy for you xxx I’m with EO and BoC. The way you feel, about yourselves and each other, is so very evident in the photo shared. I love it! |
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T-Minus
Oct 12, 2017 13:15:21 GMT -5
Post by shamwow on Oct 12, 2017 13:15:21 GMT -5
T-Plus-92: Divorce Finalized So I am a bit miffed today and am not sure if I should be or not. I'll let the forum be the judge. Yesterday was my birthday. It was a busy day. I had work and then activities for each of the kids. For my daughter, she does FFA. She hurt her ankle and knee recently and is on crutches, so needed help in mucking out the pen her pig will live in. So on my 45th birthday I was literally cleaning and bleaching a pig pen. But I was happy since I was spending time with my daughter. Houston traffic took longer to get there than expected and I had to pick up supplies (bucket, mop, bleach, etc...). We got done about 6:45. I stopped by Little Caesars to get some pizzas since I had no time for anything else. My son was at my ex's, but she didn't get him ready for baseball practice (which I was bringing him to at 7:30). Well, he wasn't at my place yet. He wasn't ready. Nada. So by the time they get to the house it is 7:15 and I had 15 minutes with the kids together for my birthday before I had to leave with my son for baseball. One interesting thing is that the family who is staying with me after they lost in Harvey. The dad's birthday is also October 11. He had balloons, cards, etc...Last year, it was the same for me. - My 16 (17 in a couple weeks) year old daughter made a poster-type card for me. It wasn't much (she said she didn't put much effort in - need to work on her people skills a bit) but she did think about me. She also wished me happy birthday twice during the day. It was sweet. - My 13 year old son didn't even wish me a happy birthday despite playing with the other guy's happy birthday balloons as we ate. - My ex? She did what she could to make the evening hard rather than enjoyable. I don't expect her to go buy me presents (I'm not that delusional). However, before sending them to my house telling them to say happy birthday to dad? Yeah, I kind of expected that. Now my problem here isn't that I didn't get a bang up birthday. Honestly, ballofconfusion lavished me with so much attention that from that perspective, my birthday was awesome! I guess my problem is that I don't think that my kids behaved as I believe they should have. I just can't figure out if this behavior is on them, their mom, or me. So, what do you think? - Shammy, you're overreacting. - Mom should have told the kids to at least to say "happy birthday" as the decent thing to do. - The kids are just teenagers. Generally, they are pretty thoughtless on these matters. Roll with it. - The kids have been taught better than this and they know better. I should speak up and teach a lesson about this. - I didn't teach them the proper lessons when their mom and I were married (I think this is bullshit BTW) - Something else? As a second question, do I do as I would like done to me when mom's birthday comes up in December? - Ignore her birthday as she ignored mine - Subtly ask the kids a few weeks before the day what their plans are for mom's birthday - Proactively take them out shopping as I've always done It's strange. Most of the issues I've had so far have been pretty black and white. This one feels grey and squishy. My gut tells me that I should so the second option. They both have debit cards (mom basically throws money on them on demand) and my daughter drives. If they want to get something they will. If they don't, they don't. But I should remind them to do something to combat normal teen laziness and set an expectation of how you should treat your parents. It's about respect (and a lack thereof). It is telling, though that if this is the biggest way my ex can still fuck with my head, I'm a very very happy man! I'm not even sure if I should be miffed or not Thoughts? Oh, and in about 26 1/2 hours (who's counting), ballofconfusion lands! It will be our 6th weekend together, and we have 5 more booked (including a flight to Washington DC where I will meet one of her kids). Baby, I can't wait to see you and miss you so much! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 13:58:03 GMT -5
So, what do you think? - Shammy, you're overreacting. - Mom should have told the kids to at least to say "happy birthday" as the decent thing to do. - The kids are just teenagers. Generally, they are pretty thoughtless on these matters. Roll with it. - The kids have been taught better than this and they know better. I should speak up and teach a lesson about this. - I didn't teach them the proper lessons when their mom and I were married (I think this is bullshit BTW) - Something else? As a second question, do I do as I would like done to me when mom's birthday comes up in December? - Ignore her birthday as she ignored mine - Subtly ask the kids a few weeks before the day what their plans are for mom's birthday - Proactively take them out shopping as I've always done I can certainly understand why the situation is frustrating. I would say that the kids are just teenagers & they are just a bit self-centered at this age. Maybe your ex tried to make things harder, or maybe she is just overwhelmed with having to do everything now. But it was your first birthday and they may not really know what to do at this age. Or I could be wrong. What you might consider doing is waiting about a week or so, then asking the kids what they want for their birthdays and/or Christmas. Then whatever they say, you can reply with, "Yes, that would be nice, but how would you feel if I did nothing for your birthday?" Then see how they respond. I am guessing it will make an impression on them. As for the second question, I would do absolutely nothing about their mom's birthday. She totally ignored all of your sexual needs for over three years, and her birthday is not your problem. You are under no obligation to make any kind of big deal out of her birthday. Think a minute, did she give you a blowjob or fuck you on YOUR birthday? I was blown away when I heard that many women actually try to be sexual for their husbands' birthdays because I went 28 years without any sex on my birthday. Yes, I NEVER had sex on my birthday. So no, if she is unhappy about how her birthday goes, she should have thought about that before she unilaterally decided that sex was no longer going to be part of your marriage. And this sounds really mean, but I think it will be interesting when she finally starts dating, and sees what kind of men she attracts. My guess is that they will probably want sex by the second date, and certainly by they third. I wish I could watch my refuser's face when she realizes this. I am betting I will look a whole lot better. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 12, 2017 16:34:35 GMT -5
So, what do you think? - Shammy, you're overreacting. - Mom should have told the kids to at least to say "happy birthday" as the decent thing to do. - The kids are just teenagers. Generally, they are pretty thoughtless on these matters. Roll with it. - The kids have been taught better than this and they know better. I should speak up and teach a lesson about this. - I didn't teach them the proper lessons when their mom and I were married (I think this is bullshit BTW) - Something else? As a second question, do I do as I would like done to me when mom's birthday comes up in December? - Ignore her birthday as she ignored mine - Subtly ask the kids a few weeks before the day what their plans are for mom's birthday - Proactively take them out shopping as I've always done I can certainly understand why the situation is frustrating. I would say that the kids are just teenagers & they are just a bit self-centered at this age. Maybe your ex tried to make things harder, or maybe she is just overwhelmed with having to do everything now. But it was your first birthday and they may not really know what to do at this age. Or I could be wrong. What you might consider doing is waiting about a week or so, then asking the kids what they want for their birthdays and/or Christmas. Then whatever they say, you can reply with, "Yes, that would be nice, but how would you feel if I did nothing for your birthday?" Then see how they respond. I am guessing it will make an impression on them. As for the second question, I would do absolutely nothing about their mom's birthday. She totally ignored all of your sexual needs for over three years, and her birthday is not your problem. You are under no obligation to make any kind of big deal out of her birthday. Think a minute, did she give you a blowjob or fuck you on YOUR birthday? I was blown away when I heard that many women actually try to be sexual for their husbands' birthdays because I went 28 years without any sex on my birthday. Yes, I NEVER had sex on my birthday. So no, if she is unhappy about how her birthday goes, she should have thought about that before she unilaterally decided that sex was no longer going to be part of your marriage. And this sounds really mean, but I think it will be interesting when she finally starts dating, and sees what kind of men she attracts. My guess is that they will probably want sex by the second date, and certainly by they third. I wish I could watch my refuser's face when she realizes this. I am betting I will look a whole lot better. John, As always, thanks for the feedback, my friend. The first advice sounds good but temperament wise, it just doesn't feel like me. But I do think that I need to get across the point of caring for others. My daughter made an effort, so this would basically be for my son, I think. I'll think about this more. On the second, I feel absolutely no obligation (or really any desire) to make my ex-wife's birthday a good occasion. On the other hand, I don't feel the need to make it a bad occasion. Her happiness really is moot on this subject. But her birthday gives me the opportunity to teach my children by example how human beings should behave towards each other. Jesus says to turn the other cheek. The Buddha cautions that if you pick up a hot coal to throw it at an enemy, you will be the one who gets burned. My ex wife caused me more fucking pain than any other person on this planet. She bait and switched me for 20 years. She gaslighted the fuck out of me. She made me feel like half a man. For years, I let that anger and pain consume me. It led me to a number of very dark places, and I will carry some of those scars for the rest of my life. Now, away from her, I am in a much, much better place. But my children are still trapped in that environment for the majority of the time. If I play tit for tat, I double down on the lesson of hate they are receiving. I'd prefer to try to be the best man I can be and let them see that as their example at least some of the time. Or maybe I'm just a pussy and should man up and punch back. But she can't do any real harm to me anymore (divorce decree sees to that). Let her pick up the hot coals. And as far as my ex-wife dating, I think it will be a VERY long time (if ever) before she dates. She's not a fool and knows that if she dates, sex comes along with it. And that's the way she would probably look at sex...something you have to endure to get the real benefits (security, money, etc...). At the least, she will have to bait and switch some other sucker, but most guys our age who are single are a bit wiser than the 22 year old virgin I was. As a matter of fact, she is going to have to deal with all the crap the ladies on the site here have to deal with while trying to bluff her way past her asexuality. For that reason, I don't think she will even try and will grow old alone and increasingly poor. She spends every dollar she has and has demonstrated no desire to do what it takes to earn as good living as she could if she worked hard. That being said, I don't wish her well or ill. The karma she has accumulated will be her own "reward". |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 12, 2017 16:47:56 GMT -5
So, I would go with option #2. Subtly remind them and then a few days before, if they haven't said or done anything, point blank remind them.
I would even be the nice guy and tell your Ex happy birthday in front of the kids. That way your showing then to be a better person.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2017 17:03:39 GMT -5
There are things you can do for the teens when it comes to your ex's birthday. It won't be like your doing it for your ex but more for strengthening your connection with the teens.
Kind of like -never let a crisis go to waste- next year, and the following year as they get older, parents birthdays mean less and less along with siblings.
Subtly remind them that their mom's BD is coming up. Ask them," Do you want to do anything about it?, What would you like to get her? How much do you want to spend? Then offer to take them or help them if needed. Don't do it for them. If they don't respond, or forget, well....you did more than your part.
By having 6 teens all at once I realize that gifts for family members was something they where not all that responsible for. Much of it was handled by mom or dad, in their younger years before they where teens. As they get older, have their own money, income, accounts, transportation, and ideas, it's time to start letting them decide.
Sadly things turned out that less and less where they interested in doing anything for their brothers and sisters. Of course they would learn the lesson of " do onto others". This also carried over to " don't expect much for your BD". Now add onto that divorce.
Another part of being a teen is gifts. They want CASH! They want to give cash. They also want to be with their friends their age a lot more than a day with mom or dad on their birthday! Then there is the truth to " they never want anything, and what they do want is to expensive." The same goes for my STBX. Then comes gift cards,especially for restaurants.
As far as my own story goes buying for my W. seems impossible. All she wants is a new computer. Nothing you can buy for her. Something she has to pick out for herself. (another sign of control) The same with her clothes. Taking her to dinners or places was received with the least amount of response possible, hence the feelings of rejection and that you are never good enough. Decades of that makes it damn difficult to answer "what should i do for mom and her birthday".
Not to talk negative about her with the teens to much but what I would like to say? OH WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY!!!! "You kids should all pool together and give everything you own -especially money- and hand it all over to your mom, so she can horde it! And while your at it give her round the clock acts of service, and be prepared for it to never be good enough, and it's no longer a gift but an every day expected demand."
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