Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2017 15:45:19 GMT -5
T-Plus-68: Divorce Finalized
My family is dead.
Ok, perhaps that was a bit over-dramatic. But it is accurate.
Today's subject is letting go of my family. About three months ago (just prior to my divorce), I took a motorcycle trip and item by item "let go" of my STBX, one item at a time. For the past couple months, something else has been nagging me. There was something that I was still hanging onto. Eyes clenched shut, I hung onto it like a man trapped outside in a hurricane.
I was hanging onto a family that no longer exists.
I'm not saying I was hanging onto my kids. I don't have to "hang onto" them. I am their dad and that relationship cannot be broken. I was hanging onto an idea. You know, the idea of mom, dad, and the kids. All of us going to baseball games, football games, cheer competitions. Sure, mom and dad don't love each other, but we since I loved the kids and she loved the kids, couldn't we kind of pretend that we are still a family? Show up at events, sit together even, and support our kids.
Now, about now, you're probably wondering if I'm absolutely nuts. I mean, this is the definition of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. I got out of my marriage because it was literally killing me. Neither my wife or I loved each other anymore. The sexless nature of our relationship was a symptom, just as wasting away is a symptom of cancer. How in the hell could I think this fantasy was even possible? And more importantly, why would I even WANT this? Well, to start with, we had an extremely amicable breakup. I figured that since we were amicable, we could all still break bread together from time to time. I'd even suggested it to her and got a lukewarm kind of response. "Maybe someday" kind of thing. Yet I persisted in trying.
So why would I keep trying to pretend this fantasy could actually happen? Well, the most likely reason is that I am the one who broke up the family by leaving. In the back of my head, I had been kind of operating in this mode of "avoid 'trauma' to the kids at all cost" because any trauma would be my fault (you know, guilt). I'm doing this despite the fact that the kids seem to have accepted this and are doing fine. Sure, my daughter was really upset last week, but that's because the other 16 year old girls on her cheer team are mean. My son was distraught and screaming upstairs, but that was because his fantasy football team lost last weekend. Once the sleeping arrangements are addressed and they know they will be fed, teens really don't think too much about my relationship status.
The world does not revolve around me and my worries, important as they may seem to little ol' me.
So this past weekend, my son and I did baseball. We had a day where we we fix up the fields and we had practice Saturday night. The dads got into the act, and my son and I each smack-talked each other when up at the plate. I took him on his first motorcycle ride, oblivious that the reason he has always said no was because the helmet I had available to him was white with pink butterflies - not angst over the divorce. Apparently my 13 year old son had some kind of issue with this gear. The new black matte one I got for him and his sister suited both their tastes much better.
The plan on Sunday was for me to also take my daughter for a ride on the bike. I wanted to talk about cheer with her. Mainly to listen, but also to empathize with her that 16 year old girls aren't always the kindest people in the world. Instead we went to the mall. I followed her around from store to store for 5 hours, mostly window shopping. But we also bought her homecoming dress (can you say "just a tad" out of my element). She was a 16 year old girl at the mall shopping for clothes. Of course she was happy. But surprisingly enough, I was also happy. I honestly had as good of a time with her looking at clothes as I would have had on the bike. That's saying a lot.
When we got home, I went to the grocery store. I'd bought a sushi roll maker a month ago and was waiting to take it for a whirl. None of us had ever made sushi rolls before (although we all love eating them). I took the lead on making the rolls themselves, but the kids had their jobs too. My daughter made the fried rice and my son helped me chop the sushi roll fillings. They actually turned out pretty good (I do think I went a bit heavy on the rice inside them, though).
Just letting go of my ex-wife wasn't enough. That part was the most traumatic event of my life thus far. But it was pretty straightforward. There is a well-defined legal process for the dissolution of a marriage. Dissolving a family? Nope. You've just got to do the best you can. But what I learned this weekend is that the only real "trick" involved is to be there. Play baseball, buy a nightstand at Ikea, buy a homecoming dress. Experiment in the kitchen. You know...be there.
So, my family is dead.
May I present my new family? It has three members. My daughter, my son, and myself. The three of us will chart our own course, just as they have different schedules and traditions at Mom's house. We will still have all good times and struggles as we had before, but there won't be a toxic cloud hanging over the family that everyone sees but Mom and Dad think they are so good at hiding. It was a great weekend.
It feels nice to have truly great weekends again....
My family is dead.
Ok, perhaps that was a bit over-dramatic. But it is accurate.
Today's subject is letting go of my family. About three months ago (just prior to my divorce), I took a motorcycle trip and item by item "let go" of my STBX, one item at a time. For the past couple months, something else has been nagging me. There was something that I was still hanging onto. Eyes clenched shut, I hung onto it like a man trapped outside in a hurricane.
I was hanging onto a family that no longer exists.
I'm not saying I was hanging onto my kids. I don't have to "hang onto" them. I am their dad and that relationship cannot be broken. I was hanging onto an idea. You know, the idea of mom, dad, and the kids. All of us going to baseball games, football games, cheer competitions. Sure, mom and dad don't love each other, but we since I loved the kids and she loved the kids, couldn't we kind of pretend that we are still a family? Show up at events, sit together even, and support our kids.
Now, about now, you're probably wondering if I'm absolutely nuts. I mean, this is the definition of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. I got out of my marriage because it was literally killing me. Neither my wife or I loved each other anymore. The sexless nature of our relationship was a symptom, just as wasting away is a symptom of cancer. How in the hell could I think this fantasy was even possible? And more importantly, why would I even WANT this? Well, to start with, we had an extremely amicable breakup. I figured that since we were amicable, we could all still break bread together from time to time. I'd even suggested it to her and got a lukewarm kind of response. "Maybe someday" kind of thing. Yet I persisted in trying.
So why would I keep trying to pretend this fantasy could actually happen? Well, the most likely reason is that I am the one who broke up the family by leaving. In the back of my head, I had been kind of operating in this mode of "avoid 'trauma' to the kids at all cost" because any trauma would be my fault (you know, guilt). I'm doing this despite the fact that the kids seem to have accepted this and are doing fine. Sure, my daughter was really upset last week, but that's because the other 16 year old girls on her cheer team are mean. My son was distraught and screaming upstairs, but that was because his fantasy football team lost last weekend. Once the sleeping arrangements are addressed and they know they will be fed, teens really don't think too much about my relationship status.
The world does not revolve around me and my worries, important as they may seem to little ol' me.
So this past weekend, my son and I did baseball. We had a day where we we fix up the fields and we had practice Saturday night. The dads got into the act, and my son and I each smack-talked each other when up at the plate. I took him on his first motorcycle ride, oblivious that the reason he has always said no was because the helmet I had available to him was white with pink butterflies - not angst over the divorce. Apparently my 13 year old son had some kind of issue with this gear. The new black matte one I got for him and his sister suited both their tastes much better.
The plan on Sunday was for me to also take my daughter for a ride on the bike. I wanted to talk about cheer with her. Mainly to listen, but also to empathize with her that 16 year old girls aren't always the kindest people in the world. Instead we went to the mall. I followed her around from store to store for 5 hours, mostly window shopping. But we also bought her homecoming dress (can you say "just a tad" out of my element). She was a 16 year old girl at the mall shopping for clothes. Of course she was happy. But surprisingly enough, I was also happy. I honestly had as good of a time with her looking at clothes as I would have had on the bike. That's saying a lot.
When we got home, I went to the grocery store. I'd bought a sushi roll maker a month ago and was waiting to take it for a whirl. None of us had ever made sushi rolls before (although we all love eating them). I took the lead on making the rolls themselves, but the kids had their jobs too. My daughter made the fried rice and my son helped me chop the sushi roll fillings. They actually turned out pretty good (I do think I went a bit heavy on the rice inside them, though).
Just letting go of my ex-wife wasn't enough. That part was the most traumatic event of my life thus far. But it was pretty straightforward. There is a well-defined legal process for the dissolution of a marriage. Dissolving a family? Nope. You've just got to do the best you can. But what I learned this weekend is that the only real "trick" involved is to be there. Play baseball, buy a nightstand at Ikea, buy a homecoming dress. Experiment in the kitchen. You know...be there.
So, my family is dead.
May I present my new family? It has three members. My daughter, my son, and myself. The three of us will chart our own course, just as they have different schedules and traditions at Mom's house. We will still have all good times and struggles as we had before, but there won't be a toxic cloud hanging over the family that everyone sees but Mom and Dad think they are so good at hiding. It was a great weekend.
It feels nice to have truly great weekends again....
