T-Minus

I personally enjoy the updates and it seems to me the book hasn't come to an end but you have simply embarked on a new chapter.

 We usually collect bits and pieces of someone's story sectioned out over months of posting on various threads. Someone will mention something in one thread about a part of their story they wrote in another thread a month or so back or in response to someone else's post.

 It is nice and convenient to come here and see what shamwow is up to and how his journey is coming along. Maybe we should all create our own thread!

Brother shamwow .
I have refrained from commenting much on this thread - to try and help its' continuity, so it reads pretty much like your blog on a day to day basis.

I would plead with you to continue with your postings.
I think this compilation of yours is extraordinarily valuable.
Probably the best bit of reference material in existence here and the old EP.

T-Plus-19: Divorce Finalized
T-Minus-11: Shammy can't wait for his lady to visit again...time to fly the friendly skies

So I'm gathering from the feedback that my posts do more help than harm. The reason I asked that question is that I remember all too well the frustration (and even a little anger) reading the stories of those who have gotten out while I was still stuck in the shithole. I think I will continue to add to this thread. Mainly because as becca mentioned, this isn't the end of the story, merely a new chapter. It is not going to be all blue skies and unicorns. Most of the worst sharp pains are behind me, but as I'm finding out, there are other pains that aren't as sharp which will continue for a while.

Case in point. Today, I'm going to my first AA meeting. I've been contriving excuses to avoid this for the past few weeks. Originally, my excuses made sense. I wanted to make sure I was completely out since until the divorce was finalized, I was worried that going to meetings could be held over me if things got ugly. Granted, tomorrow will mark 7 months sober...but it was a concern. Then when I was out, I needed time to get settled. Then I had the kids and didn't want to interfere with that time...Yada Yada Yada....The truth is that I'm scared. I owe GeekGoddess a huge debt here. Thanks, big sis!

It is terrifying to admit that I have a problem I have no control over. I've "white knuckled" this thing for 7 months now. With other people in the house that I've had accountability. Now? I'm on my own. Nobody would know if I have a quick drink (or two or three or four) on the way home. And if I do that? I'd be lost. So...meetings...sigh. If I can't even go to the grocery store without a voice in the back of my head constantly whispering for me to toss something in the cart, I will eventually cave. I need help.

This past weekend, I didn't have the kids. I won't see them until Thursday this week. This is going to be the new normal...coming home to an empty house, and a life I will need to fill. It is really really tough not seeing my kids every night. It is even tougher not seeing them every single Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday (and every other Friday) from now on. I've picked up my guitar again, playing Rocksmith on the XBox. I've got my lady who has the patience of a saint, and even more importantly, is SO supportive of me. But in the end? At times, I will be lonely...I will be bored...I will be tempted. And if I continue to try to do this myself? I will fall.

I've also been skipping Jiu Jitsu for about 2 months now. I will start going back. It will be good to get some exercise. It will get me out of the house. It will fill me with a healthy outlet with other guys to hang with. tiredoftears had a recent post about being angry. I replied that we don't have control over the behavior that makes us angry. We don't have control over the feelings themselves. The only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to those feelings. In this case, substitute loneliness and boredom for anger, and Shammy should follow his own good advice.

On another note. My ex-wife closes on her house today and moves in. I'm actually really happy for her since her getting into her own place will make things easier for EVERYONE. Instead of just me having a stable location, we will each have our own. In the short term, it will be excitement from the kids about her place (with the focus on mom), and that is actually a good thing. I want them excited about spending time at both of our places. On the down side, though, my house has been the default place to crash when she was moving around like a gypsy. I will lose those extra few "bonus" days here and there as we settle into the agreed-upon schedule. Hell, I'm going to lose the dog most of the time. It's going to be rough.

A couple good pieces of news regarding my lady, ballofconfusion . I went ahead and booked my flight to Southern California yesterday. I will be out there in 11 days for a semi-extended weekend (I'm taking Monday off). It will be awesome to see her place since she just moved in last week. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her help and support. I do know that I wouldn't be sober. Her divorce has been a much rougher ride than mine. I won't go into details since it's her story, but this weekend, we both thought that she was going to have to go scorched Earth just to get things moving. After meeting with her husband, there appears to be an easier path forward...a pivot. We will know quite shortly if that is a true path or a false flag. But we are VERY hopeful that she can have a divorce that, if not amicable, is non-destructive. That is her story. She is more private than I (as is most of the human race), so I will leave it there. But as her story is becoming increasingly interwoven with mine, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the potential pivot that happened yesterday.  She also starts her full time job today.  I'm so excited for her!

So today? No excessive celebration. Just getting by. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. I'm more than a little scared about tonight, but I'm going to do it anyway. I've really have no choice.

Thanks shamwow. Love reading your updates. Hang in there. You got this!

shamwow - I am grateful to call you a program fellow & am honored to have had the opportunity to be of service in support of your sobriety. Talking with you on this topic has helped MY sobriety journey more than you know.
When you get to the point you're helping & supporting others and you feel the benefits of that, then you will understand why I thank YOU even as you rank me for whatever small part I played in your decisions to support your own long-term self interest.
Love you, brother (in a program way, that is)

Your self medication of alcohol and legal pills is part of your mind fuck that happened in your ILIASM. Staying sober is part of your recovery from ILIASM.