T-Plus-5: Divorce Finalized
T-Plus-4: Shammy's Lady Visits
So I've been waiting to write this post for months now. My lady and I just finished her visit. As I write this, she is in the air heading back home. Originally, I was going to start things off with a picture of the Apollo 11 moon landing with the caption "The spread eagle has landed." That sounded pretty funny, and fits my snarky sense of humor. But after the past 4 days, snarky doesn't seem to fit quite right.
A few months ago, I read a posting from a new member to the forum that struck a chord with me. Like many of us, her initial post was a mixture of things like "my husband is a good man" and "he leaves my needs and feelings unmet". Essentially, the posting was a
ballofconfusion . She had announced she wanted a divorce without an exit plan, and her husband was manipulating her and trying to bully her into submission. I sent her a PM to let her know I understood her situation. Our initial conversations were about practical matters such as budgets and taxes, and other things that my MBA could help with. Over time, our conversation turned to our various shit hole marriages, and eventually to other common interests. As our relationship progressed, our conversations turned increasingly flirty. First, it moved to KIK where we could have more real time conversations, then phone calls, then video calls over Skype.
As our relationship progressed, we each began to help the other heal the emotional and psychological damage our partners had done to us. It was a tall order. In my case, it was 20 years of abusive conditioning. In her case, it was 25 years worth. There is a lot to heal, but in a few short months, we have helped each other tremendously. I get her, and she gets me. With what we've shared, it was probably the most intimate relationship I've ever had...even though we had never actually met in person.
Last week, my marriage formally ended. I wanted to meet this woman with whom I had opened myself up to so much and who in turn had opened up to me. So I asked her on a "date". I bought her an airline ticket, and on Friday afternoon, she landed in Houston. That sounds simple, but there were several weeks between when we bought the ticket and when she arrived...It was a daily torment knowing how close we were to seeing each other in person for the first time, but having to wait. Waiting for those days became my true "T-minus"
I left work on Friday, hauled ass to the airport, and then fidgeted nervously near baggage claim. After she landed, we started texting furiously. I think she was about to climb over everyone from row 22 to the front of the plane. Once off the plane, she called me on the phone. I was waiting at baggage claim. She came down a different escalator than I thought she would, and we were both looking for each other a mere 10 feet from each other. I spoke into the phone "turn around" as I strode quickly over to her. At 6 foot 2, it only took a few strides. As she turned around, we both smiled and held each other tight. I'm not sure how long we held each other, but as we let each other go, we separated, and began to lightly kiss each other.
Smiling like a couple of goons, we retrieved her (ridiculously over-sized for a 4 day trip) suitcase and made our way back to my car. I suggested we get to know each other a bit better in the back seat of my car. We did get to know each other a bit better, although few words were actually spoken. Making out dissipated much of our nervous energy, and we headed back to my house. It was my ex's wife weekend with the kids, and they were out of town. I didn't have to worry about anyone stopping by my place. My original plan was for us to go out to dinner and head home, but we both decided picking up a pizza counted as "dinner". We pulled up to my house and went inside. I lugged her giant suitcase inside and we came together, kissing deeply for several long minutes. Clothes started coming off. I picked her up (She's only 5 foot 4) and she wrapped her legs around me. I carried her to the bed and tossed her onto it.
In a frenzy, the rest of our clothes came off. Without describing the play by play, suffice to say, we each broke our respective droughts...or tried to.
I'd love to say that everything was amazing...that I was amazing lover and we indulged in round after round of amazing sex. The trouble is that things didn't work that way. Here I was, in bed with a woman I am terribly attracted to, someone who had become a friend and now my lover, and I couldn't finish. As I lost my erection, I began to grow increasingly panicked which merely served to exacerbate the problem. I didn't understand it at all. I've NEVER had a problem like this before. I know that's cliche, but in my case, it is true. Honestly, it is mortifying to write about it here.
We took a break, continued to make out and later I was able to finish...barely. Over Friday night, we listened to music (Pandora Led Zeppelin station), ate cold pizza, and continued to explore each other. Neither of us had very much experience with the opposite sex outside our multi-decade failed marriages...which is to say neither of us had much experience with the opposite sex. In many ways we literally showed each other how to pleasure the opposite sex for the first time. It was almost comical the misconceptions we each had. As we attended and taught adult sex ed, we put our lessons into practice and I proved to be a quick study.
Without a play-by-play from Friday to Sunday, we stopped counting her orgasms at 75 (not including Monday). I've got to say...I felt like a
serious stud. Except for one fact...I continued to have problems uh, "holding up" my end. As we went through the night, I could get started, but couldn't finish. My frustration built and built. Saturday morning, after several such attempts, I broke down in tears, openly asking what good is it to finally break out of my sexless marriage if I could not perform sexually. I broke up my family. I found someone I clicked with and wanted to be with...and couldn't perform as a man. It was frustrating and humiliating. And my lady was amazing. She held me, comforted me, and helped me understand this is to be expected. I had set the bar for the weekend so high. I had set such impossible expectations on myself. I could never live up to them. She helped me understand there need be no expectations. She helped me relax.
Now, we spent a LOT of time in bed. Probably the majority of our time. But before we had become lovers, we were friends. On Saturday, we went for a motorcycle ride. We ate some good 'ol hole-in-the-wall Texas BBQ. We ate cold pizza in bed while watching Netflix comedy shows (we even made it almost all of the way through one before jumping each other again). We melted chocolate, dipped marshmallows, applied whip cream, and fed each other. We got up in the middle of the night, ate ice cream, and discussed situational ethics (both are philosophy buffs). We ate more cold pizza and chocolate chip cookie dough. Both of our diet's were totally fucked...it was great spending time with a friend
and a lover.
By the time we got to Sunday, I had relaxed and some of my issues had dissipated. They are not gone, and we suspect we know why. I've had 2 decades of a sexless marriage. My only release during that time was porn. I used it as a way to quickly relieve the inevitable sexual tension my SM created. It was done more as a "chore" than anything else. Quick, efficient, and conditioned me to get off in a very specific and quick way. Like drinking, this seems to be yet another gift that keeps giving from my failed marriage. Also like my drinking, it is something I am going to work to "un-condition" myself to. My ex wife forced me to debase myself in this way. It is really the only thing I truly hate her for.
One moment of panic happened on Sunday. My Ex-wife and kids came back from their trip and I realized they may stop by my house. My lady and I scrambled to flee my home. So I decided to do something unexpected. I asked her on a date. I am actually the first person to truly ask her on a date. Every other boyfriend she had had (including her husband) started off as a friend and just morphed into something more. I was the first one to actually formally ask her out. We had a great dinner at a nice seafood place in the Woodlands and walked hand in hand down the river walk. We made our way back to the Hyatt and our room. We had to keep our...noises...down much more than at my place. In the morning, we had to call down to the front desk for a 1:30PM checkout. We were still late.
Her flight left at 3:45. I drove her to the airport, and we got her checked in. We lingered as long as we could holding each other and lightly kissing. I watched her go through TSA and finally with one lingering look she disappeared around the corner to catch her flight.
We already have our next visit planned for August. That one is back at my place. We have another planned for September in her neck of the woods. In the meantime, we will continue to get to know each other. We will continue to help each other heal.
So...
Houston. Tranquility base. The Eagle has landed.
), and I have a few thoughts at this point. First I agree with you on the porn - watching porn for a long time without also having real sex does condition your brain to expect a certain type of stimulation in order to come. Also masturbation without much experience of real sex starts to condition your dick to respond to a fast, firm stimulus that PIV sex is not going to provide. (Sorry if this is TMI for anybody, I could move it to the sex section if needed.) So I found myself inside someone, generating the most intense feelings I have felt in ages, feeling like someone was mainlining endorphins and dopamine straight into my spine, but the impulse to come wasn't ... well it wasn't coming. I am not particularly worried about it, and I am sure it can be reset by avoiding masturbation for a while and having as much sex as humanly possible. But it put me in touch with another level of tension and anxiety that has built up in my body over time which I hadn't been aware of. It is just another way we find our systems insidiously reprogrammed by living in a SM without us even noticing.
