Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Jul 12, 2017 22:56:28 GMT -5
Not gonna lie, shamwow , I am happy to see she has a new title and not because I celebrate your divorce. It was just time. You aren't ready for it now, of course, but "wife" can actually be something beautiful. As can "husband." So when I saw you call her your wife knowing the circumstances, it just wasn't jiving. And when I see anyone say "THE WIFE," I shudder a bit. Those words have taken on a whole new life for me - something deeply personal and spiritual and meaningful and nothing to do with "ball and chain" type thinking. I definitely appreciated your symbolism and need for actual closure, though, it makes sense! Sorry it's been an emotional one, but that just proves you are human with a heart and feelings. No one signs on the line without some emotion. (unless someone proves me wrong, I guess, but I can't picture it). After I shook hands with my attorney on the stairs of the courthouse and she walked off, I had a little ceremony. - I removed my ring - I put it on my key chain - Later, it will go into my "box of treasures" I honestly do not believe I will ever marry again. I am not saying I won't fall in love. I'm not saying I won't have a long term relationship. I just do not see any value in that particular institution anymore. It is great for raising kids. I don't plan on having any more kids. This may sound strange, but I believe aside from kids, the institution of marriage almost cultivates a complacency in a relationship. What "till death do we part" really means is "till death do we part or it will be really messy and painful". And for many, that safety net becomes a hammock. I do believe in relationships. I'm a relationship kind of guy. I also believe that both sides in relationship need to work hard at it. Every. Single. Day. Marriage provides a comfort level that means you don't need to work hard every day. You should, but you don't have to. Any advantage marriage confers is negated in my eyes by that one simple truth. Once you're in, you're snared. Perhaps my thoughts will change on that in he fullness of time. But that basic truth won't change, and I don't know time to process it will help. Sorry, in a really strange mood today (duh). Discussing future marriage prospects doesn't feel like a good idea. 
You are an inspiration to those of us still gaining the strength and confidence, and/or circumstantial opportunity to reclaim our lives.
Thank you for your continued posts.
Interesting what you say about the 'institution of marriage'. In my younger years, I heard that term many times from older men. Most of the time it was presented as a joke, but, alas, it just proves the point that almost all jokes are based in truth. Also, the word complacency struck a cord. As I was discussing things with a buddy, she mentioned that we (wife and I) have become complacent. You are absolutely right that the safety net can become a hammock, but to take it a step further, I think extended times of complacency can allow that hammock to slip into a noose. It does take work, from both people involved, which is why most people don't do well in counseling. Usually, one doesn't really want the situation to change. They are content with status quo. Change would require work, and having to do more than what they personally have interest in doing that day. Hence describes why my situation is difficult to change, her complacency tends to keep us financially bound.
And, I agree, once in this institution is enough.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2017 22:59:00 GMT -5
T-Plus-22: Move out of house T-Minus-0: Divorce Finalized T-Plus-11: Move into new house Well, as you know, I am now officially divorced. I've had a game plan for this moment for several years. It was a simple plan, really: - Get on Tinder - Swipe a bunch of chicks - Get swiped back - Start chatting and actually show interest in more than just a booty call (this puts me in the upper 5% right there). - Go on a date or three - Break the three year drought (wrap the shit out of that raskel) - Date a lot of different women to figure out what I want - Wash, rinse, repeat (don't blame the playa, blame the game) A couple months ago, I modified this plan. I met a lady (yes, here on the forum) who I "clicked" with. She is not an active poster, having only done so a few times, but one of her posts struck a chord with me and we started a PM conversation. Our PM conversations led to a genuine friendship. That friendship led to texting via KIK (anonymously), then to phone calls, then to Skype video calls. The culmination of this is that on Friday, she will be flying in (from about 1500 miles away) to visit with me in Houston for the weekend...an extended weekend. In my two decades of marriage, I didn't cheat (please do NOT read this as disparaging those who have...I was getting damn close to it myself). I tried to do things right. I acted with honor. Now that my marriage is over with my honor intact, I will break my 3 year drought with someone who understands EXACTLY what I have gone through. I understand EXACTLY what she has gone through. Because of this, I suspect this weekend will be both gentle and frenzied, depending on what is needed / desired at the time. To say I am looking forward to it is, well, a fucking understatement. H Look, I know this isn't a dating site. It kind of pisses me off when guys come right out and ask if they can hook up here. Most of the people here (male and female) are battered and bruised (and sometimes broken) by years and even decades of neglect and abuse by someone who promised to have and hold them. But I did find someone here that I clicked with more than I suspected possible. I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. Now we get to see where it leads. T-Minus-2: Shammy and his lady meet face to face Congratulations shammyboy! Please realize that as a Texan, you have a reputation to uphold! |
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Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Jul 12, 2017 23:25:08 GMT -5
Each marriage license should come with a yellow caution label: "Warning, this is a license to enforce celibacy. Your new spouse has the same license. No one, including the courts, care about anything else on this license. You were warned" Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Of course, if I could get the vow of monogamy to be replaced with a Right of First Refusal, I guess it would be possible, under some extraordinary and now unforeseeable circumstance, to change my mind. But I would want that minor change to the wedding vows in writing. And notarized. In triplicate. I have often wondered why marriage licenses don't need to be renewed. Every other license requires work, and sometimes continued education to be renewed. Should make sense that the marriage should as well. Might take a way the idea of complacency that was discussed earlier.
"hey, Babe, the marriage license is coming up for renewal, you might want to start putting out/cleaning up/getting a job/helping out/etc., a bit if you want it renewed."
Or, better yet, in cases where one spouse does most of the upkeep with household stuff, (car reg, inspections, taxes, etc.) That task should be left to the other one. If she were to 'forget' to head to the court to renew the license, 'oops'. 'Damn.' haha
It could have options, 1, 3, 5, 7, 10 year renewals.
It could be suggested, but not mandated for renewal an attorney/mediator, counselor, and CPA
examine things and see if it is best decision to renew. Services could be provided pro-bono if necessary, and could make suggestions on renewal length and term. If couple chooses to forgo the above, then they can only renew for 1 or 3 years, and must provide their own proof that they continuously build their relationship.
But, on second thought, maybe not. That might require more laws and 'too many laws make people mad'
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 23:41:33 GMT -5
Each marriage license should come with a yellow caution label: "Warning, this is a license to enforce celibacy. Your new spouse has the same license. No one, including the courts, care about anything else on this license. You were warned" Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Of course, if I could get the vow of monogamy to be replaced with a Right of First Refusal, I guess it would be possible, under some extraordinary and now unforeseeable circumstance, to change my mind. But I would want that minor change to the wedding vows in writing. And notarized. In triplicate. I have often wondered why marriage licenses don't need to be renewed. Every other license requires work, and sometimes continued education to be renewed. Should make sense that the marriage should as well. Might take a way the idea of complacency that was discussed earlier.
"hey, Babe, the marriage license is coming up for renewal, you might want to start putting out/cleaning up/getting a job/helping out/etc., a bit if you want it renewed."
Or, better yet, in cases where one spouse does most of the upkeep with household stuff, (car reg, inspections, taxes, etc.) That task should be left to the other one. If she were to 'forget' to head to the court to renew the license, 'oops'. 'Damn.' haha
It could have options, 1, 3, 5, 7, 10 year renewals.
It could be suggested, but not mandated for renewal an attorney/mediator, counselor, and CPA
examine things and see if it is best decision to renew. Services could be provided pro-bono if necessary, and could make suggestions on renewal length and term. If couple chooses to forgo the above, then they can only renew for 1 or 3 years, and must provide their own proof that they continuously build their relationship.
But, on second thought, maybe not. That might require more laws and 'too many laws make people mad'
Personally, I'm old fashioned. I prefer the Harem system. It made so much more sense. |
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T-Minus
Jul 13, 2017 0:02:37 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2017 0:02:37 GMT -5
T-Plus-22: Move out of house T-Minus-0: Divorce Finalized T-Plus-11: Move into new house Well, as you know, I am now officially divorced. I've had a game plan for this moment for several years. It was a simple plan, really: - Get on Tinder - Swipe a bunch of chicks - Get swiped back - Start chatting and actually show interest in more than just a booty call (this puts me in the upper 5% right there). - Go on a date or three - Break the three year drought (wrap the shit out of that raskel) - Date a lot of different women to figure out what I want - Wash, rinse, repeat (don't blame the playa, blame the game) A couple months ago, I modified this plan. I met a lady (yes, here on the forum) who I "clicked" with. She is not an active poster, having only done so a few times, but one of her posts struck a chord with me and we started a PM conversation. Our PM conversations led to a genuine friendship. That friendship led to texting via KIK (anonymously), then to phone calls, then to Skype video calls. The culmination of this is that on Friday, she will be flying in (from about 1500 miles away) to visit with me in Houston for the weekend...an extended weekend. In my two decades of marriage, I didn't cheat (please do NOT read this as disparaging those who have...I was getting damn close to it myself). I tried to do things right. I acted with honor. Now that my marriage is over with my honor intact, I will break my 3 year drought with someone who understands EXACTLY what I have gone through. I understand EXACTLY what she has gone through. Because of this, I suspect this weekend will be both gentle and frenzied, depending on what is needed / desired at the time. To say I am looking forward to it is, well, a fucking understatement. H Look, I know this isn't a dating site. It kind of pisses me off when guys come right out and ask if they can hook up here. Most of the people here (male and female) are battered and bruised (and sometimes broken) by years and even decades of neglect and abuse by someone who promised to have and hold them. But I did find someone here that I clicked with more than I suspected possible. I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. Now we get to see where it leads. T-Minus-2: Shammy and his lady meet face to face Congratulations shammyboy! Please realize that as a Texan, you have a reputation to uphold! What does my gun collection (I only have 2) have to do with this? |
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T-Minus
Jul 13, 2017 0:06:00 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2017 0:06:00 GMT -5
Hmmm...One other interesting quirk. I still need to fire my ex. We have an agreement that she continues to make $500 / week for a couple hours of work at my company so that she can maintain a pay history to close on her new house. The house should close between July 28 and August 1. Once that is done, she is off the payroll. I need to get with my CPA and make sure all of her responsibilities have been accounted for (it ain't much). I also need to go over any tax implications. Those haven't been at the top of my mind so far, but I'll need to explore what options are available to me. Wow! That is really good pay for a couple of hours a week!! So has she found another job? She has found another job. However she has prioritized flexible hours and short commute over pay, so the hourly rate equivalent is....diminished. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2017 0:08:36 GMT -5
How exciting! An iliasm romance brews. This is so much better than meeting up with some "chick" you swiped on Tinder. You both know just how much it means to get "back in the saddle". My wish for you both is to be fully present and just let the weekend unfold naturally and enjoy! There have been other such romances on the forum, and they have served as inspiration... Looking at you RexCorvus and @ggold... as to what's possible. I'm sure baza knows of more. |
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Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Jul 13, 2017 0:09:30 GMT -5
I have often wondered why marriage licenses don't need to be renewed. Every other license requires work, and sometimes continued education to be renewed. Should make sense that the marriage should as well. Might take a way the idea of complacency that was discussed earlier.
"hey, Babe, the marriage license is coming up for renewal, you might want to start putting out/cleaning up/getting a job/helping out/etc., a bit if you want it renewed."
Or, better yet, in cases where one spouse does most of the upkeep with household stuff, (car reg, inspections, taxes, etc.) That task should be left to the other one. If she were to 'forget' to head to the court to renew the license, 'oops'. 'Damn.' haha
It could have options, 1, 3, 5, 7, 10 year renewals.
It could be suggested, but not mandated for renewal an attorney/mediator, counselor, and CPA
examine things and see if it is best decision to renew. Services could be provided pro-bono if necessary, and could make suggestions on renewal length and term. If couple chooses to forgo the above, then they can only renew for 1 or 3 years, and must provide their own proof that they continuously build their relationship.
But, on second thought, maybe not. That might require more laws and 'too many laws make people mad'
Personally, I'm old fashioned. I prefer the Harem system. It made so much more sense. Well, shit....forget everything I said above. Harem...yes...That. However, I have learned that many women in the same place tend to sync up, 'moon-time' wise. So, the question becomes, what do you do with that 'one week' a month? Outsource? or, enjoy the break?
This might be a convo for another thread. Sorry, sham, didn't meant to bogart your thread.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 0:41:42 GMT -5
Personally, I'm old fashioned. I prefer the Harem system. It made so much more sense. Well, shit....forget everything I said above. Harem...yes...That. However, I have learned that many women in the same place tend to sync up, 'moon-time' wise. So, the question becomes, what do you do with that 'one week' a month? Outsource? or, enjoy the break?
This might be a convo for another thread. Sorry, sham, didn't meant to bogart your thread.
That was God's curse delivered to Adam and Eve... and Edna... ETA: The smart Harem Master did not keep all his women in the same house, you know.... |
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Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Jul 13, 2017 7:49:41 GMT -5
Well, shit....forget everything I said above. Harem...yes...That. However, I have learned that many women in the same place tend to sync up, 'moon-time' wise. So, the question becomes, what do you do with that 'one week' a month? Outsource? or, enjoy the break?
This might be a convo for another thread. Sorry, sham, didn't meant to bogart your thread.
That was God's curse delivered to Adam and Eve... and Edna... ETA: The smart Harem Master did not keep all his women in the same house, you know.... Haha, I had to look up Edna. I didn't know it was something that Adam&Eve did.
Yes. I am thinking a few houses just to make sure there are no breaks in action.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 13, 2017 7:55:29 GMT -5
That's a fun T-Minus for sure!!! Sending you both great thoughts! No matter what, wishing great things for you both.  |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2017 8:55:20 GMT -5
T-Plus-1: Divorce Finalized T-Minus-1: Shammy's Lady Comes To Visit So moving out and moving in are a bit moot right now. There are only two countdowns that really matter at this point...those listed above. So I've gotten a couple questions on the side on how I spent my first evening divorced. Well, I got home and let out the dog (poor guy has been home alone all day). Then I decided I didn't really feel like cooking and thought I should treat myself. I went to a nice Italian restaurant, still wearing a suit from work (I had a big presentation yesterday on top of everything else). I ordered something a LOT nicer than I normally do (lobster, shrimp, and clams over Fetichini in an a nice spicy marinara sauce). I dutifully pushed the wine list away and got a cold glass of water. Tonight, I am doing dinner with the kids and since it's our first "Thursday Night Dinner", am making fondue. So I went to the grocery store and started picking things up to prepare it. I was almost done, and promptly had a near panic attack. See, one of the things that you need for cheese fondue is either white wine (cheap is fine) or beer. It keeps the cheese from burning to the bottom of the pan and provides some flavor. Well, the culmination of the day yesterday (anniversary, divorce, big presentation) and the emotional roller coaster sent me into a physical craving for alcohol that I haven't experience in MONTHS now. I'm a pretty tall guy (about 6 foot 2), and my "flight" response kicked in hard. I wheeled the cart through the aisles at high speed trying to get to the checkout counter and get the hell out of there. I was in such a hurry, I almost took out an older lady with my cart. I was legitimately scared. I mean, who the FUCK gets scared at the grocery store? I need to give a serious thanks to GeekGoddess for being there for me. I reached out to her months ago about my drinking since she had bravely posted her own struggles on the forum. I reached out to her last night on KIK and she was there for me. Thanks big sis! But the short form is that I will start going to meetings next week. One final gift from my failed marriage that apparently will keep giving for the indeterminate future (perhaps always). The reason I tell this tale is not for sympathy. It isn't for support. The reason I am relating this issue is that I want people to understand that just because I'm out of my SM shithole and am on the cusp of an extended weekend of carnal pleasures, I've still got problems and I've still got issues. As baza likes to say, I'm still getting my shit together. Some things like the drinking will be with me forever, long after the pain of my SM fades. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely, positively, without doubt or question did the right thing. Staying in my marriage was killing me. All of my problems would have gotten worse and worse until they eventually took me down in one fashion or another. But for the first time in over a decade, I am optimistic about my future. I will be able to help shape my kids into the adults I believe they should be without getting my legs cut out in front of me. And yes, I will get laid. But leaving isn't easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Even now, I'm glad I did it because staying was slowly killing me in mind, body, and spirit. But that said, leaving should not be entered into lightly or without a damn solid plan. But for today? Fondue with the kids. Also, my samurai swords arrived and are now resting on my mantle |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 9:08:55 GMT -5
Congratulations shammyboy! Please realize that as a Texan, you have a reputation to uphold! What does my gun collection (I only have 2) have to do with this? In this context, there is only one gun that is at issue. Please be careful not to fire it off inadvertantly! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 9:13:19 GMT -5
But leaving isn't easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Even now, I'm glad I did it because staying was killing me in mind, body, and spirit. But it should not be entered into lightly. No, it should not. I agree that leaving was incredibly difficult. But the longer I am away, the more sure I am that I did the right thing. And I am so impressed that you realized that alcohol is not going to help you. Please go the meetings. I assume you mean AA. They will help you stay away from temptations. And I sincerely hope that your Ex finds happiness. It just sad that she thought it was your responsiblity to drag her to the doctor. Congratulations, my friend. If you need anything, I am just a few hundred miles away! |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2017 9:31:12 GMT -5
But leaving isn't easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Even now, I'm glad I did it because staying was killing me in mind, body, and spirit. But it should not be entered into lightly. No, it should not. I agree that leaving was incredibly difficult. But the longer I am away, the more sure I am that I did the right thing. And I am so impressed that you realized that alcohol is not going to help you. Please go the meetings. I assume you mean AA. They will help you stay away from temptations. And I sincerely hope that your Ex finds happiness. It just sad that she thought it was your responsiblity to drag her to the doctor. Congratulations, my friend. If you need anything, I am just a few hundred miles away! Yup. AA meetings. Already located a few in my area and am just trying to figure into my schedule. The booze didn't help my marriage, it sure as hell won't help me while single. |
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