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Post by shamwow on Jul 9, 2017 7:53:35 GMT -5
T-Plus-19: Move out of house
T-Minus-2?: Divorce Finalized
T-Plus-8: Move into new house
So the wife and I have had our first real post separation fight, and it was a needed one. To set the stage... We are now both working full time living separately. This weekend was mine with the kids. I get them from Thursday evening until Monday morning according to our agreement.
So while I'm at work I get a text from the wife saying that my daughter wants to get a gymnastics lesson before cheer starts up. No problem I say, we will split the cost as agreed. So the lesson is at 7pm. Then the next text comes in saying she will also take her to the bank to get her debit card set up. Ok. She's got my daughter anyway. May as well kill two birds with one stone. Then she tells (not asks) me that she will be taking my son for a haircut.
Now keep in mind. Before this my plan was to do fireworks on Friday night. My son was sick on the 4th of July and I went out to buy fireworks for us to do this weekend instead. They were going to have some friends over, we were going to cook some burgers and blown some shit up like we always do for the 4th.
By the time the wife got my daughter home it was almost 9pm. My daughter had already eaten, and the entire evening was pretty much fucked. The rest of the weekend is baseball tournaments so couldn't do it Saturday and maybe not on Sunday.
But that isn't the point. I should not have to reschedule because my wife decided to take the kids. Is she a terrible person? No. She wanted to see the kids. Was it terribly inappropriate? Yes. She will have much more time having primary custody. It is her custom to control me through use if the calendar. Very subtle. Very effective. Very much not happening in the future.
So yesterday in between baseball games I spoke with her. I explained that what she did was inappropriate (a pretty neutral word compared to some others I may have chosen).
Oh. My. God.
Her "angry eyes" came out. In the past, when those came out I simply folded. More concerned with keeping the peace than winning the fight. This time? I didn't argue. I restated my position. Told her what she did was unacceptable and asked her if that is the behavior she would like returned when she has the kids.
She stuttered and stammered when she realized I wasn't going to cave as I always had. She said "I can't talk to you anymore" and stormed away. When we got back to the baseball field she moved her chair away from me. Fine.
See, I have been thinking back and she has never apologized to me (without me apologizing first) for any issue of consequence in our entire 20 year marriage. I did nothing wrong insisting on my time with our kids so I sure as fuck wasn't going to apologize. But she never will either.
This may be the start of an impasse here but I am SO glad I bit my tongue until the marriage is over. Getting out of this peacefully was a huge benefit. And now? If I argue with someone who, at the end of the day, I don't share a home (or God forbid a bed) with, that is fine. We can contain the damage there.
But I will never again let her back me into a corner when I know I'm right. Yesterday was a really important day.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 9, 2017 8:17:23 GMT -5
shamwowGood job!!!! My brother has primary custody and his xW would pull that crap when it was time to bring his girl back.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 9, 2017 10:00:37 GMT -5
She said," I can't talk to you anymore" and stormed away.
Translation: "I'm still going to try and control you, how dare you stand up to me".
Hell is coming to breakfast.
In this respect, "keeping peace with the children" is often code speak for continuing to bow to the will of your now ex-wife. Her way of pulling the strings in your new life, which of course means it really isn't your life at all. It's hers.
Next comes the "daddy guilt" she will try to bludgeon everything from your self respect, the respect of your children, and your authority as a father. She will continue to try and play you as week and impotent in front of your children.
She will do the things she has already been doing, and will continue to do whether you hold your ground or not.
All tactics of a controller. You don't have to bend to none of it!
That "parenting plan" is now your new bible. Memorize it.
These are things your kids are going to have to live with. Good thing they are as old as they are.
Don't make excuses for your ex. She's a grown woman. She owns her own choices.
Boundaries are your friends. Don't be afraid of them, even when they are hard.
Be smart, not nice. Don't expect your ex to reciprocate any acts of kindness from you.
Use the three D's to bring peace and harmony into your life.
Detach
Disengage
Defend.
Sounds like your off to a good start. You and I will have stories to share. Keep your attorneys phone number handy!
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Post by shamwow on Jul 9, 2017 10:21:29 GMT -5
WoW. shamwow I have just spent the last three or four days consuming the entire 10 pages of this post. Thank you so much for letting us in on the details of your journey. I would like to say that you did an amazing job handling this, making way for the kids and keeping in control with the decisions that needed to be made. Reading your journey was truly an insight for someone like me that is looking at that path. I laughed, I cried, and I felt what was happening right along with you. It has made me really consider future decisions. I still believe that an eventual divorce is inevitable, but I can now be a bit better prepared for some of the blows. Possibly...or possibly not. Although the same, my situation will quite likely go very differently when it gets to that point. Anyway. I had more to say, but I think that is the gist. Again, thanks, and, please continue, the story. I am very interested in how the next few months play out as you settle in to your new single life. Thanks. When I first started this thread I intended it as a quick status update. As I wrote though I have found it helped me sort through some of these issues as they came up. And I'm very happy some have expressed that my experiences have given them a heads up of what might be coming down the road. At least what happened to me in real time as it happened. It's strange how each of our situations have one thing in common but have so much different in the details. If anything ive written can help anyone else in my situation then the effort is well worth it. I do know that it helps me. I'll have to read up on some of your back story as well. |
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T-Minus
Jul 9, 2017 11:01:07 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2017 11:01:07 GMT -5
T-Plus-19: Move out of house T-Minus-2?: Divorce Finalized T-Plus-8: Move into new house So the wife and I have had our first real post separation fight, and it was a needed one. To set the stage... We are now both working full time living separately. This weekend was mine with the kids. I get them from Thursday evening until Monday morning according to our agreement. So while I'm at work I get a text from the wife saying that my daughter wants to get a gymnastics lesson before cheer starts up. No problem I say, we will split the cost as agreed. So the lesson is at 7pm. Then the next text comes in saying she will also take her to the bank to get her debit card set up. Ok. She's got my daughter anyway. May as well kill two birds with one stone. Then she tells (not asks) me that she will be taking my son for a haircut. Now keep in mind. Before this my plan was to do fireworks on Friday night. My son was sick on the 4th of July and I went out to buy fireworks for us to do this weekend instead. They were going to have some friends over, we were going to cook some burgers and blown some shit up like we always do for the 4th. By the time the wife got my daughter home it was almost 9pm. My daughter had already eaten, and the entire evening was pretty much fucked. The rest of the weekend is baseball tournaments so couldn't do it Saturday and maybe not on Sunday. But that isn't the point. I should not have to reschedule because my wife decided to take the kids. Is she a terrible person? No. She wanted to see the kids. Was it terribly inappropriate? Yes. She will have much more time having primary custody. It is her custom to control me through use if the calendar. Very subtle. Very effective. Very much not happening in the future. So yesterday in between baseball games I spoke with her. I explained that what she did was inappropriate (a pretty neutral word compared to some others I may have chosen). Oh. My. God. Her "angry eyes" came out. In the past, when those came out I simply folded. More concerned with keeping the peace than winning the fight. This time? I didn't argue. I restated my position. Told her what she did was unacceptable and asked her if that is the behavior she would like returned when she has the kids. She stuttered and stammered when she realized I wasn't going to cave as I always had. She said "I can't talk to you anymore" and stormed away. When we got back to the baseball field she moved her chair away from me. Fine. See, I have been thinking back and she has never apologized to me (without me apologizing first) for any issue of consequence in our entire 20 year marriage. I did nothing wrong insisting on my time with our kids so I sure as fuck wasn't going to apologize. But she never will either. This may be the start of an impasse here but I am SO glad I bit my tongue until the marriage is over. Getting out of this peacefully was a huge benefit. And now? If I argue with someone who, at the end of the day, I don't share a home (or God forbid a bed) with, that is fine. We can contain the damage there. But I will never again let her back me into a corner when I know I'm right. Yesterday was a really important day. Very inappropriate. The fact that she has more time with the kids, she needs to respect your time with them too. If she does not understand that then it's her problem. My ex and I are very respectful of each other's time. We have baseball tournament too this weekend. My son closed the second game yesterday - 4 pitches 3 outs! Enjoy your time with the kids!!! |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 9, 2017 12:34:38 GMT -5
bballgirl, my son just pitched a shut out on the first game. Second game our team looks a bit shaky. But the game is young.
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T-Minus
Jul 9, 2017 12:40:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2017 12:40:08 GMT -5
bballgirl, my son just pitched a shut out on the first game. Second game our team looks a bit shaky. But the game is young. Congrats!! Someone is a proud daddy today! |
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T-Minus
Jul 9, 2017 13:11:06 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by DryCreek on Jul 9, 2017 13:11:06 GMT -5
shamwow, good for you taking a stand. Regardless of significance of the event, she needs to learn to respect boundaries. "You get plenty of time with the kids. Do your stuff on your time."
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jul 10, 2017 7:55:09 GMT -5
T-Plus-19: Move out of house T-Minus-2?: Divorce Finalized T-Plus-8: Move into new house So the wife and I have had our first real post separation fight, and it was a needed one. To set the stage... We are now both working full time living separately. This weekend was mine with the kids. I get them from Thursday evening until Monday morning according to our agreement. So while I'm at work I get a text from the wife saying that my daughter wants to get a gymnastics lesson before cheer starts up. No problem I say, we will split the cost as agreed. So the lesson is at 7pm. Then the next text comes in saying she will also take her to the bank to get her debit card set up. Ok. She's got my daughter anyway. May as well kill two birds with one stone. Then she tells (not asks) me that she will be taking my son for a haircut. Now keep in mind. Before this my plan was to do fireworks on Friday night. My son was sick on the 4th of July and I went out to buy fireworks for us to do this weekend instead. They were going to have some friends over, we were going to cook some burgers and blown some shit up like we always do for the 4th. By the time the wife got my daughter home it was almost 9pm. My daughter had already eaten, and the entire evening was pretty much fucked. The rest of the weekend is baseball tournaments so couldn't do it Saturday and maybe not on Sunday. But that isn't the point. I should not have to reschedule because my wife decided to take the kids. Is she a terrible person? No. She wanted to see the kids. Was it terribly inappropriate? Yes. She will have much more time having primary custody. It is her custom to control me through use if the calendar. Very subtle. Very effective. Very much not happening in the future. So yesterday in between baseball games I spoke with her. I explained that what she did was inappropriate (a pretty neutral word compared to some others I may have chosen). Oh. My. God. Her "angry eyes" came out. In the past, when those came out I simply folded. More concerned with keeping the peace than winning the fight. This time? I didn't argue. I restated my position. Told her what she did was unacceptable and asked her if that is the behavior she would like returned when she has the kids. She stuttered and stammered when she realized I wasn't going to cave as I always had. She said "I can't talk to you anymore" and stormed away. When we got back to the baseball field she moved her chair away from me. Fine. See, I have been thinking back and she has never apologized to me (without me apologizing first) for any issue of consequence in our entire 20 year marriage. I did nothing wrong insisting on my time with our kids so I sure as fuck wasn't going to apologize. But she never will either. This may be the start of an impasse here but I am SO glad I bit my tongue until the marriage is over. Getting out of this peacefully was a huge benefit. And now? If I argue with someone who, at the end of the day, I don't share a home (or God forbid a bed) with, that is fine. We can contain the damage there. But I will never again let her back me into a corner when I know I'm right. Yesterday was a really important day. This is excellent. Just excellent work. Good for you. |
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Post by WindSister on Jul 10, 2017 7:57:38 GMT -5
Good for standing up for yourself. I hope she turns around and respects your time with your kiddos in the future.
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T-Minus
Jul 10, 2017 9:57:12 GMT -5
Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 9:57:12 GMT -5
T-Plus-20: Move out of house
T-Minus-1?: Divorce Finalized
T-Plus-9: Move into new house
So due to the oddity of the calendar, the first two weekends in July are mine with the kids. Today was the first "real" hand off I am doing with the "normal" custody sharing schedule. My daughter had cheer this morning at 8AM, and I got her up and fed. I made sure she was packed to spend time with Mom (ironically, at my parent's place), and made sure my son's alarm went off so when he got picked up for his activity du jour he was ready.
Watching my daughter back out of the driveway (running about 4 feet into the lawn...the driveway curves a bit she isn't used to yet), I did feel a little choked up, but nothing like I did last week on the first "hand off". I suspect, as impossible as it may seem right now, that this will become routine. I will have them back Thursday night, and it will be the first installment of our "Thursday Night Dinners" where one of us cooks for the rest. I will take the first one with Fondue. We always like that, and with the couple days break, I can get much of the rest of the house in order.
------------------------------
I just found out from the wife that my son feeling tired and will skip his activity today. This is the third time he's been down when being "handed off" (including the snatch and grab on Friday). I did point out to my wife today that the one week on one week off schedule would have had fewer hand offs and fewer ups and downs. This was greeted with "it will get better". She may be right. She may be wrong.
Strangely enough, as reported by my wife, it seems that they don't seem down when being handed off to me. I'm not going to read too much into that since right now with me they have a nice house with rooms of their own and new furniture. With her they are hopping between places living like a gypsies while her house is completed. But I do think that this may be the same even after her house is done. When the kids are with me, I treat them like the young adults they are becoming. I give them some freedom and couple it with responsibility. My wife helicopters them, does everything for them, and doesn't let/make them do anything. I remember when I was a teenager, and know which of those environments I would have preferred to be in. Time will tell on this one. I suspect before long she will have some seriously bristling teens on her hands. I also suspect she will be completely clueless that she is the cause of the bristling.
I will say that last night, we were having a ton of fun making tacos and mocking the National Geographic channel. They were doing this live special where we were just watching lions asleep...riveting television. When they are with me, they will have fun, learn responsibility, and enjoy independence they have EARNED. Often, the dad is the one who leaves the divorce with more money than the mom. In my situation, I earn more money than my wife by a large margin, but she also has a quarter of a million dollars in cash. So if we were to go toe to toe on "buying" the kid's favor, I will probably lose (even though I make more money). However, I will not be the dad who tries to buy their kid's love and respect. I will earn my kid's love and respect by giving them love and respect. Does that mean I won't want to kill them sometimes? Of course I will...they are teenagers.
I'm starting to realize that they will have a relationship with my wife and they will have a relationship with me. It isn't a competition. As the "new normal" takes shape, all I can do is be the best dad I can.
Now this week, I need to figure out what to do with the down time. I have the kids on Thursday and won't see them for another seven days. That is going to suck some serious ass. I have some work side projects I can do, and will probably hit the ground running on that. I still also have boxes to unpack. The distraction will serve me well.
Oh, yeah...I'm also horny as hell.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 9:58:56 GMT -5
Ah. P.S. Instead of the stripper pole, may I suggest a pool table instead. a) It is something that can even be used to spend time with kids, and enhance the idea of 'place to hang out' for the kids. b) It is great to watch a woman who is good at pool play a game. c) If she needs help learning to play, some 'teachable moments' can require very close contact. d) At any time during a game, there must be a 'reach' for a shot. this can provide some very nice views of your opponents _____________. e) plenty of opportunity for jokes and double entedre about her playing with your stick and balls f) two words.....'strip billiards'!! The pool table is an AWESOME idea. I actually have a couch and TV in my game room that would probably be better moved to my living room downstairs. If I do that, I can get an inexpensive pool table upstairs. I just need to look at the money situation...it is frightening how fast the cash gets spent when setting up house again (especially having to buy kids furniture and sex-friendly adjustable beds). EDIT:When I say kids furniture and sex-friendly beds, these are two very different and distinct concepts. |
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Post by WindSister on Jul 10, 2017 12:52:29 GMT -5
Helicopter moms are SO HARD to deal with and you are right, she won't realize that her parenting style is actually causing the friction she will get from them. I see it a lot in my field. The kids end up resenting that after a bit and pull back, the moms end up devastated. They will have a balance between your two homes, and yes, relationships with each of you that will be very different.
Glad to hear you won't be a "Disney Dad" - yup, that's an actual term in the step family world. There's never a need to buy kids' love, that's for sure. We don't try to compete with my husband's ex at all. We can't. We get hugs and kisses the same as they do and we don't give nearly as cool as presents. But we do make quality time with the grandkids. They remember that more than the stuff.
You will find ways to spend your time, I am sure!! Good luck to you! You hear it a lot, but you are doing great and it's amazing you are willing to share your journey so openly with others. It helps, I am sure. Me? I am just nosy at this point... lol. (well, also, getting to know you on the boards here makes me want the best for you on this journey!) Keep pressing onward and upward!
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 13:09:20 GMT -5
Helicopter moms are SO HARD to deal with and you are right, she won't realize that her parenting style is actually causing the friction she will get from them. I see it a lot in my field. The kids end up resenting that after a bit and pull back, the moms end up devastated. They will have a balance between your two homes, and yes, relationships with each of you that will be very different. Glad to hear you won't be a "Disney Dad" - yup, that's an actual term in the step family world. There's never a need to buy kids' love, that's for sure. We don't try to compete with my husband's ex at all. We can't. We get hugs and kisses the same as they do and we don't give nearly as cool as presents. But we do make quality time with the grandkids. They remember that more than the stuff. You will find ways to spend your time, I am sure!! Good luck to you! You hear it a lot, but you are doing great and it's amazing you are willing to share your journey so openly with others. It helps, I am sure. Me? I am just nosy at this point... lol. (well, also, getting to know you on the boards here makes me want the best for you on this journey!) Keep pressing onward and upward! "Disney Dad"!!!!! I love it! Or perhaps I should say I hate it. Suffice to say, I will not be it. |
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Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Jul 10, 2017 21:34:30 GMT -5
Ah. P.S. Instead of the stripper pole, may I suggest a pool table instead. a) It is something that can even be used to spend time with kids, and enhance the idea of 'place to hang out' for the kids. b) It is great to watch a woman who is good at pool play a game. c) If she needs help learning to play, some 'teachable moments' can require very close contact. d) At any time during a game, there must be a 'reach' for a shot. this can provide some very nice views of your opponents _____________. e) plenty of opportunity for jokes and double entedre about her playing with your stick and balls f) two words.....'strip billiards'!! The pool table is an AWESOME idea. I actually have a couch and TV in my game room that would probably be better moved to my living room downstairs. If I do that, I can get an inexpensive pool table upstairs. I just need to look at the money situation...it is frightening how fast the cash gets spent when setting up house again (especially having to buy kids furniture and sex-friendly adjustable beds). EDIT:When I say kids furniture and sex-friendly beds, these are two very different and distinct concepts. Nice. I am glad you like it. I know that would be/will be one of my first purchases. Love the game anyway, even without obvious advantages of scenery. Sometimes you can get a table pretty cheap, old bar boxes can be found pretty easy, just might need a bit of tlc, and usually can be leveled out pretty easy if you can align a couple of bubbles larger pocket tables might be a bit more difficult, although can be had, and not be real costly, again, might need tlc. Sometimes, pool halls will upgrade and sell off old tables for very little money. With a larger table, though, especially if it is a slate top you want to make sure it isn't cracked, and get pros to move and set it up. That would be where your money will go if you take that route. I have a friend that had a table given to him, but it cost a good grand for it to be relocated and set up at his house.
HAha, yes, those two things didn't connect in my head, I had to read it again to see what the edit was about, haha
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