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Post by sorelievedifoundyou on May 19, 2017 8:25:23 GMT -5
I am so happy to have stumbled on this post. Some of the thoughts on here such as taking meds to dampen your sex drive are all things I've been through too. My story: We got together when I was 24 and he was 36. We are now 36 and 48 respectively. For the first 6 months, the sex was just incredible but it was ALWAYS me who initiated. That didn't bother me much because he was usually willing. Then after a year or so, it became obvious we had different sex drives. Stupidly, I married him anyway, not knowing then that the problem would just get worse. Fast forward to age 32 when I was constantly horny and he no longer had any interest. He says sex is something that never occurs to him. He kept rejecting me and knew how much I was suffering because of it. I asked him if he fancied me and his reply was 'I don't know'. I was devastated. So the last 5 years have been spent with me struggling with a very healthy sexual appetite and pleading and begging and getting him to try all sorts of things. It's only when I actually break down and cry about it that he will make an effort for a while. Then nothing. He admitted he is lazy. I have now warned him that I am tempted by others yet still he does nothing. So for the last 6 months I have been having lovely sex and kisses and cuddles with a male friend of mine (also married and wife not interested)
I am absolutely besotted with this man and I think he with me. I sometimes think about leaving. But I live in a lovely house with three gorgeous pets (no kids thank god!) and I don't really want to give all that up. I was struggling very badly with guilt until I started reading on this forum. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Post by bballgirl on May 19, 2017 8:33:58 GMT -5
I'm glad you found this place. I outsourced guilt free.
Eventually I got out and my life is better now.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 19, 2017 8:40:29 GMT -5
I am going to be blunt.
So your afraid of giving up the facade of a good marriage? A marriage that you have pleaded your heart out for your partner to help fix but is unwilling. In a few years the dogs will die and you will be in a house alone with someone that you will resent for not loving you enough to for fill your needs.
Get it out now, you will be able to find someone that loves you the way you need to be loved. Most of us your age have young kids, which makes the decisions harder. You don't have kids, so in most states the divorce can be done very quickly. The sooner it is done the sooner you can pickup the peices and enjoy living, again.
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Post by roxxanne on May 19, 2017 8:54:31 GMT -5
36 and no kids , girl get ur ass outta there, ur wasting good years sorry to be blunt but ur kidding urself right now
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Post by northstarmom on May 19, 2017 8:59:07 GMT -5
If you get caught outsourcing, you will lose more in a divorce than if you divorce without being caught in an affair.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2017 9:05:31 GMT -5
Just to add on to the above statements. Houses are loaded with memories, things that will haunt you. I went through many of the same emotions. Set a deadline. Give yourself a season to think about parting with material things, their value, and where your true importance, self, and values are. (people who like you for the house you live in are not the kind of friends you really want or need, are they?)
(I have 6 teens and 24 yrs of marriage, and I am pulling out and getting a new start)
Find a support group, like a divorce recovery class. Even if you are just thinking of divorce you will get much needed support.
Spend today, the next hour, what if'ing on the positives. We are all guilty of "what if" on the negative. Your glass is half full not half empty!
You deserve to be
Respected
Desired
Needed
Cherished
YOU DESERVE THAT!
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Post by sorelievedifoundyou on May 19, 2017 9:26:50 GMT -5
Thank you to all of your great comments. I agree totally about the getting caught and losing more comment. This plays on my mind a lot. Bball girl - how do you cheat with no guilt? I wish I could do this. I have terrible guilt attacks which led me to this forum and I love the way nobody judges. And you know why? Because we all know how it feels! Amazing. F**king hell, I can see myself spending hours on here!! Wowzers  hopingforachange... your name says it all. How long will you hope for? Another thing I'd like to add. I'm going to keep a diary of our pathetic sex life and rejections etc. In 3 months from now I will make a decision. Just decided! I'm going to think of where I will live. This is what worries me the most. Losing my home. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2017 9:39:22 GMT -5
Quote for you:
I'd rather live in an empty house, Than a house with an empty spouse!
If you wan't to talk more about the house, please do. It's very easy to relate to and understand. It takes time, and information. Advice and information from a free consultation with an attorney will be gold in your pocket. You may end up with even more questions. That's okay. I did. I got them answered, and I am now moving forward in my new freedom, my quest, my journey.
It's okay to fail, my friend. To have days when you can't even make a phone call. Trials and tribulations are what make us strong. Don't dwell on the past, it has no future in it!
Hour by hour, pray for strength, guidance, and endurance.
Take a breath....Strength in......BS out!
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Post by sorelievedifoundyou on May 19, 2017 9:54:43 GMT -5
Thanks G Coastal! Ok so the house: it's the only place in my adult life where I've ever felt truly at home. It's my safety and my hidey-hole - well you know how it is. We have a big mortgage on the house (£180K) but the house is probably worth £350K. If you're in the US, that might sound like we're rich and live in a big house but maybe you're aware of the UK housing situation, especially in the South-West/South-East. In short, you don't get much for your money here! Anyway, it's a small house in a lovely area down a private gravel road with lots of trees and flowers and space. Compared to a lot of others, we are very lucky! I've often thought that if he and I were just dating and living seperately, I'd have jumped ship a long time ago. This makes me sound materialistic. It's not about that. We've both put a lot of effort into making this house nice. I'm beginning to dig my heels in and think, why should I leave? I'm not the one who destroyed this marriage! Now of course in the last 6 months, I am no longer the innocent party. I am outsourcing (yes I'm learning the lingo!) and finally getting my sexual needs met. I've tried to stop it several times but I can't resist this wonderful, sexy, sensual man and he can't resist me. I feel like I'm on a path now and will have to deal with the consequences as they come along. Like you say... deep breath! If you have time, please feel free to share any wisdom/stories. Only if and when. I am patient, I can wait!
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Post by hopingforachange on May 19, 2017 9:54:51 GMT -5
sorelievedifoundyouSo my W, is attempting to change some, unlike most people here. Her sexual hangups are because sex is for procreation and not recreation. She has stepped up the frequency but the formulaic for play, limited positions and only allowing vaginal sex and some hand needs to be worked on. I really like oral and to has to be in our normal acts and be willing. (Not just checking of a box to pacify me) But I am giving until November for everything to be where I need it to be and to needs to be maintained. Just having the needs ment for 1 month is not acceptable. There might be done judgement but we have all walked in the same constant rejection shoes. It changed all of us. We now understand what it is like to live in a marriage that the partners is not doing thier part of the vows. I have been thinking that if I do get divorced / remarried the vows needed something like, I will always work to fill you needs and if I can't, tell me and we will figure it out together, without anger or resentment or unneeded judgement.
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Post by McRoomMate on May 19, 2017 10:12:33 GMT -5
Hmm, the Big House and the cash and prizes perhaps also companionship
OR
Freedom and a chance at love and passion
It is all a gamble and chock full of risks and the unknown . . .
As they say, "Freedom is never for free"
Otherwise it sounds like the SM is going to stay that way.
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Post by Dan on May 19, 2017 10:14:15 GMT -5
I am absolutely besotted with this man and I think he with me. I sometimes think about leaving. But I live in a lovely house with three gorgeous pets (no kids thank god!) and I don't really want to give all that up. I was struggling very badly with guilt until I started reading on this forum. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! My 2¢: I suggest you should NOT leave your marriage FOR someone else. You should leave it because the marriage is untenable/not-viable in the long run for you. Sounds to me like you are at that point... but only you can decide if that is true. Whether it works out in the long term with you current AP ("affair partner") is dubious, as he is still married, and you got involved while both married, probably with the expectation "this is just a side thing; I don't plan to leave my marriage for you and vice-versa." Stick to that promise (unless he willingly leaves his spouse too). You are young, childless, and have a sex drive: you WILL find another partner even if this guy is not the one/not available. As for the guilt: I have no advice how to reduce it, other than hang around here long enough and let the others who have made the same choice with little or no guilt rub off on you. (You will often find the opinion expressed here: "your refuser 'left the marriage' first" and/or "your refuser broke the vows of monogamy by unilaterally enforcing celibacy". You can decide if that absolves your outsourcing or not.) Note also: 1) don't let the guilt make you careless (and get "found out"), and 2) don't let it spoil the good friendship you have going. If the guilt gets to be too much, dial it back: reduce the intensity with your AP, and/or even take a break from outsourcing for a while. Get in touch with your feelings, and try to live as authentic a life as you can. Or: make a path to it, at least. Have you considered talk therapy? It helps exactly this: when someone is conflicted about their choices. A therapist will guide you through your own feelings, and help you resolve a path to making decisions/taking actions that are what YOU really want. MOSTLY, THIS: As for the pets: most folks who come here that do go through with a divorce are WAY happier. While I know one or two who did miss their pets (and/or continued to deal with their ex due to "shared pet custody"). I haven't heard of a single one who said "at this point, I really wish I HADN'T have divorced because I miss my pets". |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 19, 2017 10:22:00 GMT -5
Thanks G Coastal! Ok so the house: it's the only place in my adult life where I've ever felt truly at home. It's my safety and my hidey-hole - well you know how it is. We have a big mortgage on the house (£180K) but the house is probably worth £350K. If you're in the US, that might sound like we're rich and live in a big house but maybe you're aware of the UK housing situation, especially in the South-West/South-East. In short, you don't get much for your money here! Anyway, it's a small house in a lovely area down a private gravel road with lots of trees and flowers and space. Compared to a lot of others, we are very lucky! I've often thought that if he and I were just dating and living seperately, I'd have jumped ship a long time ago. This makes me sound materialistic. It's not about that. We've both put a lot of effort into making this house nice. I'm beginning to dig my heels in and think, why should I leave? I'm not the one who destroyed this marriage! Now of course in the last 6 months, I am no longer the innocent party. I am outsourcing (yes I'm learning the lingo!) and finally getting my sexual needs met. I've tried to stop it several times but I can't resist this wonderful, sexy, sensual man and he can't resist me. I feel like I'm on a path now and will have to deal with the consequences as they come along. Like you say... deep breath! If you have time, please feel free to share any wisdom/stories. Only if and when. I am patient, I can wait! I am on the USA, and in my area, your house price is in the normal to very low range for a major city like DC, New York City, southern California ect. Having your need ment is a very powerful psychological drive. It is like your body needing food, your mind needs love and feeling belonged. So knowing how it feels, could you go back to only being with your H and live the rest of your life? |
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Post by sorelievedifoundyou on May 19, 2017 10:26:36 GMT -5
hopingforachange - sounds like you are a very good communicator and patient with your wife. I can see why you are hopeful. I wish you both luck Dan - totally agree with your 2 cents. If I left, I'd say to G (the other man) I'm yours, if you want me. If you don't want me and want to stay with your wife then I must move on. I can be very resilient if I have to be. It's unlikely he will leave his wife as she has fibromyalgia and depends on him for everything. He feels a strong sense of duty for her. She shut him off sexually a long time ago. He and I have been friends for years so I know quite a bit about his situation. He told me he is astonished at what has happened between him and I. He thought he had E.D. for years but it turns out not! He says he has no guilt. I don't understand how he does not feel guilty. He is a good man and helps her with everything but he, like all of us, has needs. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 19, 2017 10:37:36 GMT -5
Sorry I am going to sound like a "Greek Chorus" and sing along
You have 1) No children and 2) What looks like a massively imbalanced libido problem resulting in a pretty solid and virtually guaranteed case of SM with no end.
Probably should consider the Big "D" if you handle the big unknowns and risks that go with it.
As Nietzsche said "Live Dangerously".
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