I am cheating and dealing with guilt

Sounds like you have made one decision the previous status quo is not acceptable. So, now you have to decide to keep outsourcing, try for an open marriage or divorced.

Dang it woman! You've got my mind going like crazy! LOL! If only I could type anywhere close to all that I think! Why.... it would take about 40 paragraphs!

So.....I live in Central Florida, on the East coast, on an Island between a river and the Atlantic Ocean, in a gated community.  4000 sq. ft.  5 bd. rm. 31/2bath, pool, etc.. (we needed that much house for the 9 of us) Due to my spouse, we live in the top 5%. An attorney informed me, after the divorce I would be in the top 30%. No complaints there!

With all of my 401k, real estate investments, IRA's, alimony, etc... I will most likely end up as the " Millionaire next door" that no one knows about. Because... that's who I am. Like Sam Walton, who owned Walmart. he drove an old Ford ranger pick up, and whore overalls. That's more who I choose to be.

I sit here in my fancy home, and I dwell on what where some of the most meaningful happiest times in my life? They go back to when I was driving an 18 wheeler, and helping, giving, supporting total strangers. Living in a truck 6 days a week. Pulling people out of flipped over vehicles, backing in trailers for an inexperienced driver, Climbing on top of rigs for people who couldn't climb, encouraging people by bringing them girl scout cookies when others were cursing them out due to their race, reaching out to the stranger in line at the restaurant, asking" may I join you for dinner?" Then having them insist on paying for my meal because no one has ever reached out to them. The list goes on...... Giving and expecting nothing in return.... yet here I am 25 yrs later remembering so, so, much of the joy it gave me.

All these things I rarely get to do when I stay in the comfort of my "material safety zone". My loveless, sexless marriage with a manipulative controller.

Way, way, to much about me. How does this relate to you? You have answered much of it already. You found fulfillment, grace, satisfaction, respect, joy, happiness,desire, all from giving of yourself and getting back in return. No money involved either. Was their risk involved? Sounds like it? Where would you be without that risk? Content with a material house, and nothing else. A false hope. Like worshiping a false idol. There are so, so many in our lives. A house is only one of them.

Do not feel guilty about your AP. Your wedding vows of being, loved , cherished, desired, to have and to hold, where all trampled. Submission is a two way street. You have been giving to a taker. That's not a marriage.

Keeping the house is something that used to happen often for woman here in The USA. Today more divorces are split 50/50. When there's debt, the house gets sold. Yes there are a boat load of emotions involved. One way of dumping half of those is finding out what the law will give you. Fighting for the house is doable.

I'll close with this.... One of my tenants is 10 yrs. younger than me. Divorced, with 4 kids. We talked about giving up the house. He told me about all the furniture and things he left behind. No regrets. In fact it gave him the opportunity to buy newer ,better"used" furniture. All in a short period of time. Funny how these things fall into place. He's also advising me about meeting other woman at my church. All with time.

Speaking of, I have 9 other woman (I am the only man there) in my "Divorce Recovery "class. They are hurting. Others have stories far worse than mine. It's Friday afternoon. Am I going to sit at home tonight in my comfy house? I hope not! I am going to take a risk, and invite them to a time to sit at the tables at the beach, and go out for dessert. Several of them. I plan on being a very good listener, with advice. Something I can give, and get much pleasure receiving the joy of giving to others. Things my wife, takes for granted and acts like she has no need for.

Like shamwow, the house is just a house. For me, as long as I have my kids (on my parenting days), I'm not too fussed about where I live.

My roommate and I will be negotiating living arrangements this month. He wants the house. But he can't have that and pay me my share too. So something will have to give. Likely we will sell it.

And, again, my "home" is my family and my mental well being. Not the actual physical space.

I understand being attached to a house. I really do. Others may think it's no big deal, but it was for me. For some reason I liked architecture since I was a kid. I started drawing houses when i was 12. In my early 20's I landed a job as an architectural Illustrator. The office, where I also lived was a magnificent Queen Ann Victorian house built in 1910. The president of Pepsi Cola first built that house.

My years on the road gave me lots of time, and opportunities to see older farm houses, and small towns, loaded with historic bungalows and farms. it became a goal of mine.

21 yrs ago I purchased my dream house. A bungalow built in 1923. 3000 sq.ft, 6 bd. rms. 2 bath, 2 acres of land, an old tobacco farm with a full barn, 3 other buildings, a separate 2 car garage, antiques galore, 4 fireplaces, and 6 stoves, on main street, with a view of tree lined streets, and the railroad track through town!

9yrs. later the economy slowed down my wife found work in Florida, we had 3 children, we said good bye to all of that.

I rarely think that way anymore. It has little importance to me. i live in a wealthier neighborhood now, and I see the wealth, the yachts sit unused year after year, I see the divorces, and the people who live at the beach but never use it. It's all just stuff, idol worship.

I'll be buying a smaller house in the next year. Less to clean, less to maintain. Sure I want to take pride in it. Self worth? Not so much. Mostly function and safety.

Even now when I meet people, I still cringe when I have to say, I live in the (name of our gated community). You can see the, "oh, you're one of those" attitudes, or "is that all" attitude. I really like no attitude at all! That's why I like meeting people on line, in the ocean, in a church, or how easy it was to meet a fellow trucker on the road. To myself be true.

" A house is where you live; a home is what people make that house into."

Loads of advice here and it's all wonderful and all correct.

Bottom line, you need to live your life according to your values.

So what are your values?
Do you love yourself?
Do you know WHO you are?

I was in an insanely similar position to you 3 years ago - but I have kids.

I'm going to be blunt, because someone said this same thing to me 3 years ago.

"You are here to obtain permission to sleep with a man who is not your husband." I know. I did the same thing.

Here's my guess:

You've been rejected by your husband for years, never felt beautiful, desired, or wanted. Life is great! You just figured the great sex you desired is over with because you are living this wonderful life.

Suddenly there is a burning flame of attraction with another man and you feel it - that magical desire that gives you butterflies and brings on a high that can only be felt with Lust/Love or narcotics. It's freeing, makes you feel wanted, desired, fulfilling this hole that has been in your relationship for years that you never realized existed.

Why did you stay in the relationship with husband after the sex started to wane early on?
Was it the security?
Did you grow up with nothing?
Was your father part of your life growing up?

These are the same questions that brought me to where I am today. I've done a ton of soul searching and figuring out WHO I am, and worked hard, and continue to work hard on loving myself. Counseling (I know fellow ILIASMers, there I go again) has helped me face all of these and continues to help me. I have daddy issues. I am in a position now where I can recognize that. I now recognize how people have treated me in my past and when I see the same treatment now, I recognize it. I am able to change my direction instead of falling into old habits of "going with the flow". I was flowing through life and relied on my early-shaped instincts, which are all based on how I was raised. Yes - I have mommy issues too! LOL! Cutting the cord and separating my values from those of my mother's has been enlightening.

I want to make sure you are taking care of yourself and you learn WHO you are, figure out YOUR values instead of letting society (and those who raised you) tell you what is right and wrong, and that you LOVE who you are.

Okay I'm done.

Good luck!

Funny how out sourcing can change your perspective, ain't it? A word of advice, be VERY careful with thinking your affair partner (AP) will give up his deal for you. You know you have second thoughts about leaving - he has those same thoughts. If you leave - leave for you not your AP. Also make sure what ever protection you are using remains in place. what would a pregnancy or STD do for your situation? I don't think either would be helpful.
Good luck to you, I hope you find peace.