kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 4:40:16 GMT -5
I've been married for 10 years, and I have had intercourse with my H maybe a total of 10 times - the last one being about 9 years ago, when I got pregnant. After I gave birth, nadda. If I would ask, I would get a handjob (is that what it's called?) sometimes (a few times a year), but sometimes he would complain how tiring that would be, or he would fall asleep in the middle, so I stopped asking.
(Does this site consider sex to be intercourse, or anything/everything?)
We went to a marriage counselor two years ago because of a variety of issues- money, trust, family, responsibilities, and yes, our (non-existent) sex life. The counselor gave us some "homework" (hand holding, more hugs, etc), and pretty much said I'm a nagging wife because I'm not getting any. It did improve my handjob sexlife a little bit- it increased to around once every 2 months (is this reset sex?), and the complaining stopped. But it's still not any kind of real intimacy.
Looking at all this, it feels like he only married me as a "trophy wife". I don't mean to toot my own horn- I'm not some kind of bombshell. What I mean by that is I was the perfect girl at the perfect time for him. He was 34, and his extremely strict family had been pressuring him to get married. I was 27, the same race (Asian minority) with the same cultural background and upbringing, whose family ran in the same circles. By getting married, he got away from his family (who he had some issues with), got them off his back, got a girl who came with a house. It was a win win for him. (It was not a fixed marriage if that's what it sounds like. We dated- he was my first bf, so I guess I was smitten then).
I didn't want kids. I was on the pill our first year of marriage. But seeing how we weren't having sex, I stopped. And the universe laughed at me, and the next time we did have sex, I got pregnant. (Yes, I was stupid. But when you haven't had sex in ages, you forget to think.) It feels like he got what he wanted from me (he wanted kids/ his parents wanted grandkids), and now that he has one, there really isn't need of me anymore. Oh, except for housework. And cooking. And chores. And bringing his kid to school. And pretty much everything. Except sex.
I'm sure in his own way he loves me. I'm not too sure if I still do love him. It hasn't been an easy 10 years. I had started thinking of separating a few years ago (we live in an extremely backwards country where, guess what, divorce is NOT legal), and we did the whole counseling thing. But it seems like we're back to square 1, and I'm not really sure how to move forward. Divorce is not an option. There's the entire social stigma to separation (the whole strict families/culture crap), and of course our 8 year old child.
I don't think I'm quite ready for separation yet- how do you get ready for something like that?
So here I am sharing, in hopes that venting will be good enough for now.
TLDR: He wants a sitcom family trope, but isn't willing to work for it.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2017 5:14:05 GMT -5
You seem to paint a picture of a spouse who has had "issues" with his family (before you came on the scene) and who still has issues over money, trust and responsibility, which he doing no work on at all. And understandably in the situation *no sex* as well. Further, it reads like your feelings toward him have pretty much tanked too - understandably. It looks dead in the water. But if there is no such thing as divorce in your jurisdiction, then that possibility is out. What do other people do in your jurisdiction when their marriages tank ? You mention separation in your story - but at this point you reject that on the basis of "the entire social stigma to separation (the whole strict families/culture crap)" Might be time to think seriously about flouting the social conventions and what other people may think, and seriously consider acting in your own longer term best interests. Meantime, accepting, and owning, your choice to stay - for the moment at least - is pretty sound thinking Sister kam |
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 5:25:32 GMT -5
I was initially thinking of a trial separation, something under the radar, unannounced to family. Something to try. Anything different seems better than the current situation. (Plus easing the transition with the kid/school, finances and all that jazz).
You're right about flouting social conventions. I know in my head that I should. I've been trying to work my courage up- I have to admit I'm not quite ready yet.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2017 5:28:15 GMT -5
There's nothing wrong with not being ready just yet kamYou can however start preparing the way ahead for when you ARE ready. |
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Post by thefullmoon on May 15, 2017 5:46:56 GMT -5
What relationship do you have with your family? Are they aware if your unhappy situation? If yes what they think? Do you have any moral support from anyone in real world? As I sadly understood counselling was totally useless as zero sex was not a big issue for the counselor?
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 6:00:44 GMT -5
My family is not aware of the troubles I have with my H. They are also the most unsupportive people you could ever meet. (I have my own family issues, and am aware of them and sorta trying to work on my own self esteem). They are extremely backwards/religious/prudish. My mother often remarks about how slutty females are (for being empowered or sexually active) and had lectured me all my life about saving my virginity for my husband. My father on the other hand believes that wives must submit to their husbands. So no, I won't be getting any support there.
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 6:06:12 GMT -5
Regarding the counseling bit, it was actually a big deal for the counselor. He gave us homework, and suggested a lot of things to spice up the marriage. But he made -me- work on it more, saying I had to help H through it. The counselor thinks that if I boost H's confidence, he'll want to have sex with me. (This was in solo counseling)
The only part of the counseling that worked was H stopped with the super lame excuses and blaming me for being sex starved.
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Post by lwoetin on May 15, 2017 6:08:43 GMT -5
We don't consider handjob as sex. There needs to be effort involved. Crap handjobs don't qualify. Intercourse to create babies don't count as sex either, that's procreation. Intercourse that sucks don't count either. Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. It's 4am, I can't sleep.
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Post by shamwow on May 15, 2017 6:20:19 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes it seems that it sucks to have so few options in our situations, but when one of those options (divorce) is taken off the table, that is just heartbreaking.
The unsupportive family makes things tough but here in the forum, you will find people who understand and will not judge.
It takes courage to share your story for the first time. Hats off to you on that, and welcome to the club you never wanted to be a member of.
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 6:25:30 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes it seems that it sucks to have so few options in our situations, but when one of those options (divorce) is taken off the table, that I'd just heartbreaking. The unsupportive family makes things tough but here in the forum, you will find people who understand and will not judge. It takes courage to share your story for the first time. Hats off to you on that, and welcome to the club you never wanted to be a member of. Thank you. The support is very much appreciated. |
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 8:02:38 GMT -5
We don't consider handjob as sex. There needs to be effort involved. Crap handjobs don't qualify. Intercourse to create babies don't count as sex either, that's procreation. Intercourse that sucks don't count either. Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. It's 4am, I can't sleep. Oh wow. Definitely, definitely a sexless marriage. |
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 15, 2017 8:41:24 GMT -5
So ... You're basically an SWB (Slave Without Benefits). Here we use Acronyms like FWB for Friends With Benefits. And even Friends without benefits is no where near as bad as an SWB because at least you still have a friend. I'm not saying that being a slave with benefits would be an improvement. But at least you'd be getting something out of it. I do hope you have a sense of humor. Mine can be a bit dark sometimes. So please excuse me for making such comments. For the record, I do not endorse slavery in any way, shape, or form.
A "handjob" every 2 months?!? Really?!? That comes across to me as "Shut-up sex". More like "Shut The F*ck Up Sex". And as Iwoetin mentioned, that's not even considered to be sex. Definitely not in the way and under the circumstances that you're experiencing it. And what's up with that counselor?!? You're a nagging wife because you're not getting any?!?! Well, duh! Where did that guy get his degree and experience?? They say here that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So even if you're not getting 'greased' up, keep on squeaking (nagging) all you want. At least you can do that much and give HIM a taste of what near insanity feels like.
Anyway, I'm not meaning to write about your situation in a demeaning or disrespectful way. I'm just feeling very frustrated and angry for you. You are in what many of us describe (here in the States) as being between a rock and a hard place. But you're not alone. Even here on ILIASM, there are many of us that are in a similar situation. We'd like to leave the marriage, but can't (for whatever reason), or aren't ready to yet. From what you say, separation is a choice that would leave you socially tainted. But in my opinion, if it's going to help you to slip out of that situation with your sanity intact, then it's a choice to seriously consider. No Divorce?!? Dammit. I hate it when a person's choices are taken away from them against their own will. Cultural norms and mores can really suck. In the meantime, we are here to support you and stand by you in any way that we possibly can. There are very good people here with sound advice to give. Here you will find the best FWBs that anyone can hope to have. And I'm referring to the kinds of friends that you will benefit from in the following ways. You'll have friends that you can open up to whenever you're needing to "let it all out". You'll have friends that will help to guide you (as well as they can) through rough emotional waters, and in other ways as well. You'll have friends from all over that will genuinely care about your overall well being. You'll have friends that will make you laugh (or at least smile) when you're feeling like crying. But to paraphrase our most esteemed Baza, "Crying is a valid choice." You'll have friends (including me) that will make you feel like you're not alone. And like I mentioned before, you-are-not-alone.
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Post by merrygoround on May 15, 2017 8:57:48 GMT -5
Hi kam I just wanted to welcome you, too. You are in a safe place here amongst people who will understand, comfort and support you. Whenever you need to vent, share experiences, or work out a situation and require concrete opinions and advice. We are all here for you x |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 11:13:59 GMT -5
Does this site consider sex to be intercourse, or anything/everything? pretty much said I'm a nagging wife because I'm not getting any. we live in an extremely backwards country where, guess what, divorce is NOT legal I guess opinions vary, and handjobs, blowjobs are forms of sex, but nothing is a substitute for Penis in Vagina to me. This counselor sounds like an asshole. You don't have to share, but what country is this? This seems ridiculous to me. And I am sorry your family is not supportive. That is one advantage I have. My brother & sister both have told me that they could not believe I put up with my refuser's shit for so long. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 15, 2017 11:35:52 GMT -5
My parents also transmitted an underlying "wife should submit to husband" as regards sex - whether they meant to or not, I picked up on that in my youth.
But - when I let on to them that a main driver behind my decision to divorce was our complete loss of a sex life, I found out then that this "belief" was based on an underlying supposition that the husband WOUKD WANT sex. Removing any & desire from the H, apparently the premise goes out the window. I was surprised (& grateful) to learn that my mom actually was quite supportive of me seeing sex as a needed basic component of any marriage working out.
I hadn't expected that.
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this in a place where they don't even allow divorce.
I hope you find our group helpful!
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