kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 17, 2017 20:33:12 GMT -5
So... I ended having a Talk with the H last night after reading and getting inspired by h 's The Talk thread and finding solutions. I didn't really have it planned, it just sortof just all came out. Most of it was already aired out during our counseling days. And H pointed out that we have actually worked out on a lot of the issues already (money, trust, communication - not perfect, but a lot better than pre-counseling days). And it was mostly the sex part that was needed to be worked on. Which, looking at it objectively, makes sortof sense. It should be easier to work on it now that we don't have as much baggage. At least in theory. So, the biggest hurdle is he's terrified to get me pregnant again. And that train of thought leaves him with ED. And the thought of not performing leaves him not wanting to try. [Admittedly, I did react reaaaaally badly when I found out i was pregnant, and it was pretty traumatic for us both.] I'm scheduling a visit to a doc to see other contraceptive options (probably shots for me). We'll see from there how psychological the blocks are, or if they're just excuses. I'm not really that optimistic, but I'd still like to try. And seems like he's trying- he planned a date! So fingers crossed. |
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Post by baza on May 17, 2017 20:47:36 GMT -5
Have you seen the term "re-set sex" used in here Sister kam ? It describes a scenario where after a long sexual drought, the previously refusive spouse engages you sexually. The motivation is to get your hopes up that a corner has been turned and better days lie ahead. Then, once the refusive spouse figures that the danger has passed, the tap gets turned off again. It is a time buying exercise, and rarely lasts more than a couple of weeks max. Your lack of optimism is wise at this point. It is very easy to fall for the "re-set sex" strategy. |
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 17, 2017 20:52:08 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm worried that's what it is.
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Post by baza on May 17, 2017 20:58:20 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm worried that's what it is. You should have a pretty good idea of whether this is a re-set sex deal within a couple of weeks, max, a month. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 18, 2017 4:25:59 GMT -5
So... I ended having a Talk with the H last night after reading and getting inspired by h 's The Talk thread and finding solutions. I didn't really have it planned, it just sortof just all came out. Most of it was already aired out during our counseling days. And H pointed out that we have actually worked out on a lot of the issues already (money, trust, communication - not perfect, but a lot better than pre-counseling days). And it was mostly the sex part that was needed to be worked on. Which, looking at it objectively, makes sortof sense. It should be easier to work on it now that we don't have as much baggage. At least in theory. So, the biggest hurdle is he's terrified to get me pregnant again. And that train of thought leaves him with ED. And the thought of not performing leaves him not wanting to try. [Admittedly, I did react reaaaaally badly when I found out i was pregnant, and it was pretty traumatic for us both.] I'm scheduling a visit to a doc to see other contraceptive options (probably shots for me). We'll see from there how psychological the blocks are, or if they're just excuses. I'm not really that optimistic, but I'd still like to try. And seems like he's trying- he planned a date! So fingers crossed. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 18, 2017 4:30:30 GMT -5
If he's so terrified of getting you pregnant, why doesn't he get a vasectomy? What contraception were you using when you got pregnant? Has contraception been something you decided on together or has it been your decision only or has pregnancy prevention been left up to luck?
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Post by h on May 18, 2017 4:31:38 GMT -5
So... I ended having a Talk with the H last night after reading and getting inspired by h 's The Talk thread and finding solutions. I didn't really have it planned, it just sortof just all came out. Most of it was already aired out during our counseling days. And H pointed out that we have actually worked out on a lot of the issues already (money, trust, communication - not perfect, but a lot better than pre-counseling days). And it was mostly the sex part that was needed to be worked on. Which, looking at it objectively, makes sortof sense. It should be easier to work on it now that we don't have as much baggage. At least in theory. So, the biggest hurdle is he's terrified to get me pregnant again. And that train of thought leaves him with ED. And the thought of not performing leaves him not wanting to try. [Admittedly, I did react reaaaaally badly when I found out i was pregnant, and it was pretty traumatic for us both.] I'm scheduling a visit to a doc to see other contraceptive options (probably shots for me). We'll see from there how psychological the blocks are, or if they're just excuses. I'm not really that optimistic, but I'd still like to try. And seems like he's trying- he planned a date! So fingers crossed. If he doesn't want more children, he can take care of that permanently with a small surgery... |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 18, 2017 5:42:17 GMT -5
So... I ended having a Talk with the H last night after reading and getting inspired by h 's The Talk thread and finding solutions. I didn't really have it planned, it just sortof just all came out. Most of it was already aired out during our counseling days. And H pointed out that we have actually worked out on a lot of the issues already (money, trust, communication - not perfect, but a lot better than pre-counseling days). And it was mostly the sex part that was needed to be worked on. Which, looking at it objectively, makes sortof sense. It should be easier to work on it now that we don't have as much baggage. At least in theory. So, the biggest hurdle is he's terrified to get me pregnant again. And that train of thought leaves him with ED. And the thought of not performing leaves him not wanting to try. [Admittedly, I did react reaaaaally badly when I found out i was pregnant, and it was pretty traumatic for us both.] I'm scheduling a visit to a doc to see other contraceptive options (probably shots for me). We'll see from there how psychological the blocks are, or if they're just excuses. I'm not really that optimistic, but I'd still like to try. And seems like he's trying- he planned a date! So fingers crossed. Yeah, he is worried about getting you pregnant so - the solution is a SM. I will bet that you obtaining birth control will not increase the sex one bit. As you stated you were on BC and nothing happened - seems like a waste of time to me. Female condoms can be obtained on Amazon and I have found them to be genuinely entertaining to apply and very close to feeling like skin on skin contact. But, then again, I like sex. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace with your situation.
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Post by northstarmom on May 18, 2017 5:50:45 GMT -5
If he has ED what is he doing about it? Going to the doctor or a therapist? Seems like you are the one jumping through hoops to fix his problem. If fear of pregnancy really were causing his ED, he would get snipped.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 18, 2017 6:35:02 GMT -5
Since he thinks his ED is psychological based from the threat of pregnancy, can and are you other things that can't get you pregnant?
If not, I would push for them starting now, especially since there is bound to be done sexual intimacy issues that need to be fixed. If he is still having ED issues during other activities, then you know now and can get that appointment scheduled.
It might be helpful for him to come to your Dr visit to ask any questions he had to help put this mind at ease. If he needs an ED visit, you could offer to go for support so he knows he isn't alone and you are willing to help him thru it.
I have had performance issues a handful of times and it was one of the most isolating feelings of my life. Just thinking about living with it feels horrible. Mine might be worse then usual because the wife said something like, oh well and rolled over to go to sleep. Leaving me there, no comforting, not even an I'm sorry.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2017 10:34:58 GMT -5
So... I ended having a Talk with the H last night after reading and getting inspired by h 's The Talk thread and finding solutions. I didn't really have it planned, it just sortof just all came out. Most of it was already aired out during our counseling days. And H pointed out that we have actually worked out on a lot of the issues already (money, trust, communication - not perfect, but a lot better than pre-counseling days). And it was mostly the sex part that was needed to be worked on. Which, looking at it objectively, makes sortof sense. It should be easier to work on it now that we don't have as much baggage. At least in theory. So, the biggest hurdle is he's terrified to get me pregnant again. And that train of thought leaves him with ED. And the thought of not performing leaves him not wanting to try. [Admittedly, I did react reaaaaally badly when I found out i was pregnant, and it was pretty traumatic for us both.] I'm scheduling a visit to a doc to see other contraceptive options (probably shots for me). We'll see from there how psychological the blocks are, or if they're just excuses. I'm not really that optimistic, but I'd still like to try. And seems like he's trying- he planned a date! So fingers crossed. I have been following this thread and was terrified for you. This last post of yours actually gives me hope for you. I think you have a door open here to handhold your H into an active sex life. If he has ED it is going to require tremendous patience on your part to allow him to find his arousal and erection. If it is at all possible please be very kind and gentle when you are trying and help him along until he is able to get it right. For the first few sessions set your own pleasure aside. If he manages to climax then that is a win registered. I have a feeling you might be able to help him build his sexual confidence. Use multiple contraception methods if necessary. i.e., pill + a condom. And lastly think of all the ways you can make the next few attempts at sex pleasurable for him - oral sex, full body massage slowly melting into sex, for example. It could all add up to nothing and I don't mean to offer misplaced optimism but reading your post genuinely gives me a glimmer of hope and if that is real, then I don't want you to miss it. Him telling you that he is terrified of getting you pregnant I think is a huge win. |
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 18, 2017 20:27:16 GMT -5
If he's so terrified of getting you pregnant, why doesn't he get a vasectomy? What contraception were you using when you got pregnant? Has contraception been something you decided on together or has it been your decision only or has pregnancy prevention been left up to luck? I was on the pill prior to getting pregnant, but stopped since we weren't really doing it often. After giving birth, I went back on the pill, but the side effects were horrible that time around so I stopped after a few months. Haven't used any form of bc after that. Both times we decided together. This time, we decided together too (as part of the talk.) We discussed about vasectomy a bit- he doesn't like doctors (not a valid enough excuse, I know). Also, and this is only me theorizing, he was molested (by a male) when he was younger, so I think that might play into that. (Could also be part of the psychological blocks? Or is this me just fishing and trying to find reasons?) |
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 18, 2017 20:31:58 GMT -5
Since he thinks his ED is psychological based from the threat of pregnancy, can and are you other things that can't get you pregnant? If not, I would push for them starting now, especially since there is bound to be done sexual intimacy issues that need to be fixed. If he is still having ED issues during other activities, then you know now and can get that appointment scheduled. It might be helpful for him to come to your Dr visit to ask any questions he had to help put this mind at ease. If he needs an ED visit, you could offer to go for support so he knows he isn't alone and you are willing to help him thru it. I have had performance issues a handful of times and it was one of the most isolating feelings of my life. Just thinking about living with it feels horrible. Mine might be worse then usual because the wife said something like, oh well and rolled over to go to sleep. Leaving me there, no comforting, not even an I'm sorry. We've discussed it, and I'm scheduling having shots done. We'll see from there if things improve or not. Honestly, I had never thought of ED as an issue before. I figured I got pregnant, so hey, his thing should work. Seeing things from a different angle sheds a whole lot of light. Again, I don't know how much of it is an excuse, and how much of it is real, but I'm happy we're at least talking and trying now. I'm sorry that happened to you, hopingforachange. I hope things are better now. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 18, 2017 20:33:03 GMT -5
If he's so terrified of getting you pregnant, why doesn't he get a vasectomy? What contraception were you using when you got pregnant? Has contraception been something you decided on together or has it been your decision only or has pregnancy prevention been left up to luck? I was on the pill prior to getting pregnant, but stopped since we weren't really doing it often. After giving birth, I went back on the pill, but the side effects were horrible that time around so I stopped after a few months. Haven't used any form of bc after that. Both times we decided together. This time, we decided together too (as part of the talk.) We discussed about vasectomy a bit- he doesn't like doctors (not a valid enough excuse, I know). Also, and this is only me theorizing, he was molested (by a male) when he was younger, so I think that might play into that. (Could also be part of the psychological blocks? Or is this me just fishing and trying to find reasons?) Well, if you are near a city, I am certain you can find a female urologist. |
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kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 18, 2017 20:37:26 GMT -5
I have been following this thread and was terrified for you. This last post of yours actually gives me hope for you. I think you have a door open here to handhold your H into an active sex life. If he has ED it is going to require tremendous patience on your part to allow him to find his arousal and erection. If it is at all possible please be very kind and gentle when you are trying and help him along until he is able to get it right. For the first few sessions set your own pleasure aside. If he manages to climax then that is a win registered. I have a feeling you might be able to help him build his sexual confidence. Use multiple contraception methods if necessary. i.e., pill + a condom. And lastly think of all the ways you can make the next few attempts at sex pleasurable for him - oral sex, full body massage slowly melting into sex, for example. It could all add up to nothing and I don't mean to offer misplaced optimism but reading your post genuinely gives me a glimmer of hope and if that is real, then I don't want you to miss it. Him telling you that he is terrified of getting you pregnant I think is a huge win. Thank you for the advice and support, @teer. |
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