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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 13:55:00 GMT -5
My parents also transmitted an underlying "wife should submit to husband" as regards sex - whether they meant to or not, I picked up on that in my youth. But - when I let on to them that a main driver behind my decision to divorce was our complete loss of a sex life, I found out then that this "belief" was based on an underlying supposition that the husband WOULD WANT sex. Removing any & desire from the H, apparently the premise goes out the window. I was surprised (& grateful) to learn that my mom actually was quite supportive of me seeing sex as a needed basic component of any marriage working out. I hadn't expected that. Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this in a place where they don't even allow divorce. I hope you find our group helpful! I am so glad your mom was supportive. I was pleasantly surprised that my family and church friends have been supportive. All of them are shocked when I told them that my wife had ended all sex for 6 years. |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 18:37:20 GMT -5
Oh, kam. I hate to say it, but you belong here. I know it sucks. But, this is a great support group. |
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kam
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 20:54:33 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcome, @smartkat thistooshallpass , and everyone. flashjohn , I live in the Philippines, where it is predominantly Catholic. Think extreme backwards Catholic. To the point where the church meddles in politics , and there is a TRO on pills/implants because it "promotes abortion". Divorce is not legal. The only way to legally separate is to have the marriage annulled. But in my case, we already have one child so that doesn't seem likely. We can separate, but in docs/gov't/legalities/finances etc, we would still be married. Added to that is my family is Chinese (2nd gen immigrants). I have controlling parents who chose my course for college (and paid for it) and later on manipulated me into working for the family biz. I've basically been trained to be dependent. (It's a whole different set of family issues I'm working on). It didn't seem bad at that time, but now that I'm 37 and wanting an out, it's, frankly speaking, scary. I've never been financially independent, and no real outside work experience, so everything seems so daunting. (Side story: My parents live in the same house, but have lived in separate rooms for years. They don't get along very well, and I'm sure they're SM too, but because of the whole culture/social aspect, they haven't separated. They still show up at parties together. Iirc, my dad had an affair decades ago, but even that was not enough for a "real" separation.) It's weird growing up so sheltered and controlled, and suddenly realizing that everything I've been taught is just so wrong. |
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kam
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Post by kam on May 15, 2017 20:55:45 GMT -5
@geekgoddess and flashjohn, I'm happy to hear that you have supportive families and friends  |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 15, 2017 21:51:23 GMT -5
@geekgoddess and flashjohn, I'm happy to hear that you have supportive families and friends I wish you did as well. It's amazing to me that Philippines is THAT old school. Wow - I really didn't know. |
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Post by lyn on May 15, 2017 22:56:05 GMT -5
Hi kam - welcome to iliasm - I hope your feeling at least somewhat comforted by the support you're finding here. This is quite a predicament - I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if you've mentioned whether or not you have supportive siblings near you. If so, are they any more supportive than your parents? Or, are there any community resources available at all in case you were to leave? If you can swing it, I would certainly try for the separation. Is this something you could safely do? My heart goes out to you- |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2017 9:22:15 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcome, @smartkat thistooshallpass , and everyone. flashjohn , I live in the Philippines, where it is predominantly Catholic. Think extreme backwards Catholic. To the point where the church meddles in politics , and there is a TRO on pills/implants because it "promotes abortion". Divorce is not legal. The only way to legally separate is to have the marriage annulled. But in my case, we already have one child so that doesn't seem likely. We can separate, but in docs/gov't/legalities/finances etc, we would still be married. Added to that is my family is Chinese (2nd gen immigrants). I have controlling parents who chose my course for college (and paid for it) and later on manipulated me into working for the family biz. I've basically been trained to be dependent. (It's a whole different set of family issues I'm working on). It didn't seem bad at that time, but now that I'm 37 and wanting an out, it's, frankly speaking, scary. I've never been financially independent, and no real outside work experience, so everything seems so daunting. (Side story: My parents live in the same house, but have lived in separate rooms for years. They don't get along very well, and I'm sure they're SM too, but because of the whole culture/social aspect, they haven't separated. They still show up at parties together. Iirc, my dad had an affair decades ago, but even that was not enough for a "real" separation.) It's weird growing up so sheltered and controlled, and suddenly realizing that everything I've been taught is just so wrong. I am very sorry to hear this. I didn't realize that the Phillippines were so backwards in regard to marriage. But I know what you mean about realizing that everything you were taught was wrong. My mom always taught me that if a man treats a woman well, she will always respond. She was very sincere, but very wrong. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 16, 2017 12:43:49 GMT -5
Welcome! I am also stuck in marriage due to kids cultural/religious predicaments. Hugs. I know its difficult. Its painful.
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kam
Junior Member
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Post by kam on May 16, 2017 21:24:37 GMT -5
I didn't mean to talk trash about the country. It's actually fairly modern in everything else (and has gorgeous beaches), except that the laws are still so old fashionedly patriarchal.
Safety wise, yes, i think it would be physically safe for me to get a separation. But I haven't thought of an exit plan yet, and am still in the in denial phase with stupid hopes that things can get better.
To those who have gone to a counselor or therapist- what's the difference between a counselor and therapist? And which helped more?
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kam
Junior Member
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Post by kam on May 16, 2017 21:28:01 GMT -5
Welcome! I am also stuck in marriage due to kids cultural/religious predicaments. Hugs. I know its difficult. Its painful. Hugs! Sucks, doesn't it? |
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Post by lwoetin on May 17, 2017 4:16:00 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcome, @smartkat thistooshallpass , and everyone. flashjohn , I live in the Philippines, where it is predominantly Catholic. Think extreme backwards Catholic. To the point where the church meddles in politics , and there is a TRO on pills/implants because it "promotes abortion". Divorce is not legal. The only way to legally separate is to have the marriage annulled. But in my case, we already have one child so that doesn't seem likely. We can separate, but in docs/gov't/legalities/finances etc, we would still be married. Added to that is my family is Chinese (2nd gen immigrants). I have controlling parents who chose my course for college (and paid for it) and later on manipulated me into working for the family biz. I've basically been trained to be dependent. (It's a whole different set of family issues I'm working on). It didn't seem bad at that time, but now that I'm 37 and wanting an out, it's, frankly speaking, scary. I've never been financially independent, and no real outside work experience, so everything seems so daunting. (Side story: My parents live in the same house, but have lived in separate rooms for years. They don't get along very well, and I'm sure they're SM too, but because of the whole culture/social aspect, they haven't separated. They still show up at parties together. Iirc, my dad had an affair decades ago, but even that was not enough for a "real" separation.) It's weird growing up so sheltered and controlled, and suddenly realizing that everything I've been taught is just so wrong. I don't think having a child means your marriage cannot be annulled. I remember a member who has several children going through an annulment in the Philippines. The Catholic Church appears to be softening in its granting of annulments with current Pope. It used to be a much longer process. |
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kam
Junior Member
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Post by kam on May 17, 2017 5:21:34 GMT -5
I don't think having a child means your marriage cannot be annulled. I remember a member who has several children going through an annulment in the Philippines. The Catholic Church appears to be softening in its granting of annulments with current Pope. It used to be a much longer process. Interesting! The last i was reading up and asked about it here, people said it was close to impossible. But that was a few years ago. Good to know. Will definitely start a serious inquiry regarding it. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 17, 2017 9:55:24 GMT -5
I don't think having a child means your marriage cannot be annulled. I remember a member who has several children going through an annulment in the Philippines. The Catholic Church appears to be softening in its granting of annulments with current Pope. It used to be a much longer process. Interesting! The last i was reading up and asked about it here, people said it was close to impossible. But that was a few years ago. Good to know. Will definitely start a serious inquiry regarding it. her username was lemongrass, I think. She may have been in the older ILIASM site, Experience Project, where we were a year ago. She may be a member here also. |
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Post by shamwow on May 17, 2017 10:00:24 GMT -5
Welcome! I am also stuck in marriage due to kids cultural/religious predicaments. Hugs. I know its difficult. Its painful. Hugs! Sucks, doesn't it? I often swing between relief that I an unencumbered by a restrictive religion and a regret I don't have that pillar of faith to lean on in times of trouble. As Master Yoda would say "double edged sword faith is" |
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Post by h on May 17, 2017 11:52:46 GMT -5
I often swing between relief that I an unencumbered by a restrictive religion and a regret I don't have that pillar of faith to lean on in times of trouble. As Master Yoda would say "double edged sword faith is" Trust the Force young Padawan |
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