appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 7, 2017 0:34:18 GMT -5
I just wanted to vent a little about my frustrations this weekend. Last night was a work event I wanted to go to so I went with some coworkers and left the hubby at home. I can't remember the last time I socialized like this. My coworkers are serious parties and with the company picking up the tab there was definitely a lot of drinking. I haven't had more that a glass of wine in years and I had so much fun! At the same time I felt guilty for leaving the H at home with the kiddo while I went out, but he doesn't really enjoy socializing.
I hadn't seen him all day and was hoping for a nice greeting when I got home. Instead he was cleaning and just said hey, I'm gonna finish this chore then go to bed. I sat on the couch, I was still pretty tipsy. He asked aren't you going to bed? I'm thinking, why? I can't even get a hug or a hey I missed you.
Tonight was date night and we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Most the day I was thinking of bailing because date night seems like such a pretense. I ended going because, hey, at least I get to see a great movie. It was awesome by the way. We walked to the car and he opened the door. I told him, hey it's a date, how about a kiss? And we kissed and it was amazing. I miss those kisses, he smells and tastes amazing. But I have to make him kiss me. It's just so profoundly sad to me today. It's like, he isn't opposed to kissing, but he would never think of it himself. Just doesn't cross his mind. I told him, it's not a first date, you can kiss me. Hell you can even get laid tonight. He laughed and I knew that was hopeless.
As I said, just wanting to vent.
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Post by lwoetin on May 7, 2017 1:14:31 GMT -5
I wonder if jealousy would push him to make some effort. He seems comfortable with how things are.
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Post by baza on May 7, 2017 1:58:20 GMT -5
It is possible to have a decent social life as you have seen recently, but your spouse is not a part of, or a contributor to that.
It is possible to have a decent sex life too. But again, your spouse ain't in that picture or a contributor to it.
These things - a social and sexual life - are pretty major components to a relationship.
And he's AWOL.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 7, 2017 2:09:26 GMT -5
I wonder if jealousy would push him to make some effort. He seems comfortable with how things are. I honestly don't think so. I believe he would be profoundly hurt and become more withdrawn. |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 7, 2017 2:15:02 GMT -5
It is possible to have a decent social life as you have seen recently, but your spouse is not a part of, or a contributor to that. It is possible to have a decent sex life too. But again, your spouse ain't in that picture or a contributor to it. These things - a social and sexual life - are pretty major components to a relationship. And he's AWOL. Yes, I miss having a social life and since joining here and speaking to my husband about my unhappiness with our marriage, I have decided to just go out without him. I have encouraged him over the years to go out with friends but he only does that maybe once year. When I go out with friends he usually says I owe him now and then he goes and sees a movie alone. We do have game nights occasionally, more frequently of late. Those are a lot of fun so I can't say we never socialize together. But outside of that all events we go to together are family get together a at his parents house. Right now, my husband has gone off to bed without me and again I refused to join. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight. |
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Post by baza on May 7, 2017 3:11:42 GMT -5
It is possible to have a decent social life as you have seen recently, but your spouse is not a part of, or a contributor to that. It is possible to have a decent sex life too. But again, your spouse ain't in that picture or a contributor to it. These things - a social and sexual life - are pretty major components to a relationship. And he's AWOL. Yes, I miss having a social life and since joining here and speaking to my husband about my unhappiness with our marriage, I have decided to just go out without him. I have encouraged him over the years to go out with friends but he only does that maybe once year. When I go out with friends he usually says I owe him now and then he goes and sees a movie alone. We do have game nights occasionally, more frequently of late. Those are a lot of fun so I can't say we never socialize together. But outside of that all events we go to together are family get together a at his parents house. Right now, my husband has gone off to bed without me and again I refused to join. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight. Chances are, that as more time passes, more and more things you once did with him will drop off. Up to, and including, being married to him. That's what the anecdotal evidence in this group suggests in any event. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 7, 2017 7:02:03 GMT -5
I reccomend that you scare the crap out of him and tell him that you need intimacy, affection, and a healthy marriage and if he is going to enforce celibacy on you then he is risking a divorce. Nowhere is the marriage vows does it talk about joining the nunnery. He needs to be honest with why he has no desire for sex. His reaction and response will guide you better.
He's lucky you still want to kiss him he better not blow it.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 7, 2017 11:44:10 GMT -5
I reccomend that you scare the crap out of him and tell him that you need intimacy, affection, and a healthy marriage and if he is going to enforce celibacy on you then he is risking a divorce. Nowhere is the marriage vows does it talk about joining the nunnery. He needs to be honest with why he has no desire for sex. His reaction and response will guide you better. He's lucky you still want to kiss him he better not blow it. I'm too much of a coward to try that. Plus I am not prepared to follow through with the threat. I am extremely confrontation adverse and learned at an early age that it was in my best interest to feign happiness and swallow my own pain. I'm so good at fooling people that my boss thinks my husband and I should win couple of the year (we work for the same agency). |
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Post by lwoetin on May 7, 2017 12:11:05 GMT -5
I don't think you are a coward. You love your husband and don't want to hurt him. But you will need to hurt him at some point to teach him a lesson about love and save your marriage. You sound really sweet, he should appreciate you more.
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Post by bballgirl on May 7, 2017 12:55:49 GMT -5
I reccomend that you scare the crap out of him and tell him that you need intimacy, affection, and a healthy marriage and if he is going to enforce celibacy on you then he is risking a divorce. Nowhere is the marriage vows does it talk about joining the nunnery. He needs to be honest with why he has no desire for sex. His reaction and response will guide you better. He's lucky you still want to kiss him he better not blow it. I'm too much of a coward to try that. Plus I am not prepared to follow through with the threat. I am extremely confrontation adverse and learned at an early age that it was in my best interest to feign happiness and swallow my own pain. I'm so good at fooling people that my boss thinks my husband and I should win couple of the year (we work for the same agency). I get that. Trust me I do. We are all very kind people and don't want to hurt others but think about how you are hurting yourself. Be kind to yourself first. Have you ever done or considered individual therapy? |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 7, 2017 13:17:16 GMT -5
I think a lot of us here are people pleasers and went along with our partners. It took me hitting bottom in a depression to come with grips that my psychological needs were not being filled.
The wife is not pleased that I am forcing the marriage to change but it needs to for me to be happy. If it doesn't change them I need to get a divorce inorder for me to find happiness.
But the odd thing compared to most people here is that my wife is willing to work on changing after she realized how much pain I have been going thru.
Quietly crying your self to sleep in the fetal position after being rejected is not a way to live. While I was alive, I wasn't living, I was not the person I remember being years ago, I was becoming bitter and lost my optimism that was part of me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2017 13:52:00 GMT -5
The problems when you live with crumbs of affection and it becomes the norm you accept it. so in their eye that's all you want or need so why show you more? So unless you demand more or start taking care of your own social life or happiness nothing is going to happen.
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Post by TMD on May 7, 2017 15:46:43 GMT -5
. I have encouraged him over the years to go out with friends but he only does that maybe once year. When I go out with friends he usually says I owe him now and then he goes and sees a movie alone. We do have game nights occasionally, more frequently of late. Those are a lot of fun so I can't say we never socialize together. But outside of that all events we go to together are family get together a at his parents house. Right now, my husband has gone off to bed without me and again I refused to join. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight. This week my roommate and I had a conversation about separation. He said that he's lost his friendships. He has. It's so sad. At some point in past few years I stopped encouraging him. If he makes plans, I'm supportive. I simply got tired of encouraging him to: make a dental appointment, go out with friends, buy his own clothes, get his professional designation, etc, etc. I'm sad for him. But I can't tell him, encourage him, to be an active participant in his life. I also can't and won't do his part of the divorce chores. That's why we need a counselor; to create accountability. Hopefully your spouse will wake up and start living life, appleaday. Or maybe he's happy like this. But if he's like my roommate, he'll be pretty lonely should you decide to leave him. Maybe then he'll start living his life. In the meantime, keep living yours. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2017 18:01:39 GMT -5
It is possible to have a decent social life as you have seen recently, but your spouse is not a part of, or a contributor to that. It is possible to have a decent sex life too. But again, your spouse ain't in that picture or a contributor to it. These things - a social and sexual life - are pretty major components to a relationship. And he's AWOL. Yes, I miss having a social life and since joining here and speaking to my husband about my unhappiness with our marriage, I have decided to just go out without him. I have encouraged him over the years to go out with friends but he only does that maybe once year. When I go out with friends he usually says I owe him now and then he goes and sees a movie alone. We do have game nights occasionally, more frequently of late. Those are a lot of fun so I can't say we never socialize together. But outside of that all events we go to together are family get together a at his parents house. Right now, my husband has gone off to bed without me and again I refused to join. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight. I am heartened by your decision to go out without him. Social life is no substitute clearly but it is good fun. Besides, the gentle flirting that can sometimes happen is a welcome change. I really hope you don't feel guilty again because frankly it seems misplaced given he doesn't seem to care much. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2017 18:03:20 GMT -5
The problems when you live with crumbs of affection and it becomes the norm you accept it. so in their eye that's all you want or need so why show you more? So unless you demand more or start taking care of your own social life or happiness nothing is going to happen. Nailed it. Yes, a lot of us need to find ways to not be so attached to those crumbs. It is debilitating to be that way. Time to stop, take a deep breath and look around. |
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